Vanderpump Rules Recap: Hungry Like the Wolf

I got everything that I really wanted from this season of Vanderstupid Drools so maybe I should just quit now. I’m not talking about an apology from Sandoval, Lisa Vanderpump to stop meddling, or someone to finally (finally!) tell Katie Maloney Schwartz Maloney to get a stylist. No. I’m talking about Brock Shay, husband of Scheana Shay, in his Speedo. My exact type is a giant man in a tiny bathing suit, and we are getting it nowhere better than at Lake Tahoe, where Brock joined most of the cast, minus Katie and Ariana, as they tried some court-mandated mediation with Tom Sandoval. I mean, did you see his giant (complimentary) heinie swinging back and forth as he ran and dove off the pier? I would pay $10.99 a month for that on OnlyFans, and he doesn’t even need to show feet.

My man Brock didn’t have the best episode, though. It starts off when he’s bikini shopping with Scheana in a store so small it looked like it was on Tiny Home Adventures or some other brainwashing bullshit on HGTV that wants you to live in a van. Anyway, Brock once again brings up that Scheana doesn’t want a nanny, and he feels trapped in the house with his mother-in-law. I love my MIL dearly, but I wouldn’t want to live in a house with her while she takes care of the children. But it seems like Brock might have some bigger issues with Scheana’s mom. He seems to insinuate that her mom sets off her OCD, making her feel like she’s not a good enough mother, which makes her anxiety worse, which makes her OCD worse, which means that Brock won’t get to go to the movies alone with his wife until Dune 57 comes out.

Brock, dude, you just need to take a back seat on this one. You need to keep gently pushing your wife as she wends her way through therapy and someday you will get there, but this is not the day, and this itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny yellow polka-dot-bikini shop is not the place to be having this discussion. It’s called Cami & Jax, as if the name wasn’t triggering enough for those of us who suffered through seasons one through nine of this program. I love when Scheana says, “You’re comfortable just hiring a stranger, and then we go on a trip and you’re like, ‘Oh, just stay in our house for four days and watch our kid.’” Um, yeah, Scheana. That’s how nannies work.

As much as I wanted this whole episode to be about Brock’s Budgies (and thank Catholic Jesus and Lady Gaga this episode was not on VHS because I would have rewound that dock scene so many times that the tape would have snapped), it was really about our prodigal sons. Yes, Sandoval, but really Hippie, the artist formerly known as Graham Cracker. Since James couldn’t change his plane ticket fast enough, Lisa takes him on her private jet to Lake Tahoe with the body of Ken Todd that two junior associates Weekend at Bernie’s-ed around for several days in South Lake Tahoe.

When the whole group arrives at their lakeside palace (yours for only $2,300 a night, which is actually an excellent deal), Lisa shows up with Graham and presents him to James in front of the whole group. Of course Lisa did, and she told James not to say anything. Of course she needed to make it into a TV moment, and it was really annoying. But it’s not as annoying as just sending James home with the dog. As expected, Ally is happy to have the dog, but it seems like she wished she could have a bit of time to prepare. She’s worried about how Graham, who has been dinged for biting multiple people, is going to interact with Mr. Banks, the cat with the best name in the universe.

Graham is mostly well-behaved, which I think we can safely say is true about Sandoval as well. He’s so happy Scheana let him sit at her table at the LAX Lemonade that he starts crying in the car with Schwartz just thinking about it. He gets some good advice from the people around him. Lisa says, “You have the rest of your life to get your point across; let’s not attack.” When he arrives at the house, Brock is the first person who wants to talk to him about everything, and he says, “Your feelings are valid, but there are other people involved in this whole thing. We’re not your enemy; we’re just very hurt friends.”

This is all very wise and right, but through most of the episode, it seems like Tom isn’t getting what the situation really calls for, which is contrition, begging, sublimating yourself, and asking forgiveness. He says in confessional, “They expect me to grovel at their feet and beg for forgiveness … but they’re failing to acknowledge how they came after me, talking shit about me on social media, selling merch, hardcore pushing conspiracy theories on podcasts. This isn’t just about them forgiving me. This is something we need to mutually move on from together.” He’s not wrong, but the time to move on together is way far down the road. I’m talking about seasons 13, 14, or 15. Right now, we are in the “beg to keep your spot on the show” phase.

(We also seem to be in the “Raquel decided to change her name to Rachel, so we’re following the show and going to call her Rachel now, I guess” phase.)

When they all go to meet Lisa at Wolf, her newest steampunk Dalek of a restaurant designed by Nick Alain, she’s doing demo work. She invites everyone to take a swing at a wall and yell out something they want to let go of. Schwartz says he hates being 40 and single. Scheana cries out about the restraining order that Rachel put against her. Then Sandoval shouts, “Scumbag and cheater [SLAM], worm with a mustache [SLAM], Charles Manson’s son [SLAM], Lala [SLAM], James Kennedy [SLAM], motherfucking Scandoval [SLAM].”

Still not getting it, still blaming them for the thing that he started. At least Lala is smart enough to yell out, “How about you hit the wall for your own actions, though?” Yes. Exactly. We see this same thing play out when he takes DJ James Kennedy aside at after-dinner drinks to have a heart-to-heart. This is actually a great strategy for Tom. (Look at me, approaching Pump Rules like it’s The Traitors.) It’s easier to make up with guys than girls (sorry to generalize about gender, but it is a construct, so fuck it), and James is the loudest in the group. If he can get James to quiet the noise, he has a decent shot with everyone.

Sandoval is sitting there (wearing a lightning bolt necklace!), telling James that he didn’t mean to hurt anyone and that he and Rachel did this because they were in love. James says the way to do that was break up with Ariana, start things with Rachel, and figure your life out. Sandoval says it wasn’t that easy, but it was. He’s just not man enough to break up with a woman, so he did to Ariana just like he did with Kristen and drive her away while playing the victim the whole time. But James is right. There was a way that Sandoval didn’t bring all of this on him — and I’m sure it’s been hard for him — but he has to realize that as difficult as breaking up with Ariana was going to be, it sure had to be a lot easier than [gesticulates wildly at the trees surround Lake Tahoe] all of this!

Finally, Tom says the words that seem so hard for him. He apologizes to James for hurting their relationship and for not being the big brother that James always needed. He says he wants to acknowledge James’s feelings and make amends. See! That’s all they want! That’s all they need! It’s not so hard, is it, Tom? At the end, he tells James, “At your ease, we’ll work through this, and I promise it will get better.” Yes! That is what he should have been saying all along, and if he had, he could have saved all of those worms with all of those mustaches.

Just as James and Tom are walking back to the table, he gets a call from Ann, his trusted assistant. She’s standing in their living room with the phone propped up to her ear and her index finger from the other hand blocking the other ear. There is the distinct revving noise in the background. She looks over at Ariana, who is taking a chainsaw to the custom-built credenza in their bedroom; she’s already cut up the custom chandelier and had the Lego portrait of the two of them reconfigured to feature only her like she’s Lisa Hochstein doing bad Photoshop on her Christmas pictures. Yes, she’s taking what is hers of the West Elm chairs, the sectional, and the dining room table. If Tom wants half, he can get half. “Um, Tom,” Ann shouts over the sawing. “I think you might need to come home.”