The Golden Bachelorette Season-Finale Recap: Bawling in Bora Bora

THE GOLDEN CIRCLE IS COMPLETE. We have our first seasons of Golden Bachelor and Golden Bachelorette all wrapped up, and time will tell if Joan is more successful than Gerry in the relationship-longevity department.

Okay. On one hand, this was an extremely unsurprising and undramatic Bachelor franchise finale. On the other hand, I would give a Best Supporting Actor award to the Weather, because it pulled a lot of weight in this episode.

The finale is, as always, live. Jack and Charles are there, seemingly as the only representatives from the season, and stalwart faithfuls Susan and Kathy are right next to them. What if we Seven Brides for Seven Brothers’d this situation and they all got married? I would pay to see a Jack and Kathy wedding.

When we last saw them in Tahiti, Pascal had just left after telling Joan he wasn’t in love with her. Joan is having some intense feelings about this the following day, as would anyone, perhaps?? We get a lot of B-roll of her looking heartbroken amid promotional cuts of the cruise ship she’s traveling on. Whoever was responsible for sponsorships and product integration this season definitely just stopped trying at some point. “She’s crying? Make sure she mentions it’s a Windstar Cruise.”

Joan feels like she is unlovable and won’t end up with anyone. I truly cannot imagine the pressure on a person at this point of the show. You start out with 24 options, and then it gets winnowed down. What if you choose incorrectly and are humiliated on national television? I know viewers will be on your side, but it is, nonetheless, embarrassing if you make the wrong choice. Basically, these tears make sense. Fortunately, Nancy is back for more hugs. Why couldn’t Nancy have been there all along? Don’t make people go through this with no one but Jesse and the invisible producers! Nancy talks about how great Guy and Chock seem to be and tells Joan not to give all this power to Pascal. Who has not had this conversation with their crying friend? “You are AMAZING. Don’t do that; don’t give them that power. They should be crying over YOU.” It’s very relatable, is what I’m saying.

So then it’s time for Chock and Guy to meet Joan’s kids. Guy is in Bora Bora in his vacation polo and khaki shorts, and Chock has opted for a button-up and full-on khakis. Khakis, the finer gentleman’s travel pant.

Two of Joan’s four kids are in Bora Bora: her son and daughter and their partners. I’m trying to give these kids the benefit of the doubt because they all seem to really love their dad, but I disliked maybe 50 percent of what Joan’s son Nick says. When Joan tells them she struggled a lot with the process because of their dad, Nick tells her she should struggle and it shouldn’t be easy, while her daughter, whose name I didn’t catch, says she calls their dad Joan’s “husband from above.” I’m so sorry, this is fucking weird. My wife and I both have parents who have passed, and if our surviving parents or our siblings referred to them as a “husband/wife from above,” everyone else in the family would stare in confusion and/or disgust.

Anyway, Chock starts his time by telling the camera that “it could jeopardize everything I’ve done” if Joan’s kids don’t approve of him. Chock. That’s the kind of thing villains say. “All my plans will be imperiled if the children suspect my true motives,” the villain villained villanously. I’m not saying Chock’s for sure a villain; I’m just saying, maybe choose your words better, buddy. Also, I’ve been saying it since week one, but I don’t trust you, Chock. He goes on to tell Joan’s kids that he kissed her in front of his whole family to show them how important she was to him. Also weird!!

But maybe Joan’s fine with that, because Nick says shit like Joan has four kids that she has to “give her all to,” and she needs someone who understands that. I’m sorry, sir, aren’t you like 30? While talking to Chock, Nick is like, This guy would replace my dad, and Chock is immediately on top of that like, Whoa, 30-year-old man, I’m not here to replace your dad. I am here to smooch your mom. Nick is appeased and tells Joan he likes Chock. Then he unexpectedly tells her how proud he and his siblings are of her for doing the show and how courageous she is, and it’s all really nice. A real Hail Mary pass from Nick at the end of the visit.

Chock sits Joan down and gives her a present. Apparently, they’ve talked about spending time together in New York, so he gives her a key with a heart padlock attached and says he wants them to get a place in NYC together. Good lord? Damn, sir! Even though I do not like you, that sways me quite a lot. He tells her he wants to marry her, and Joan looks very excited. Of course she does! She was so worried, and now here’s Chock all in and ready to buy her New York real estate.

The next day, Guy is supposed to meet the kids. There’s a torrential downpour, which he says won’t keep Joan and him from having a bright day. Oh, Guy. He’s so optimistic and just really looking forward to seeing Joan. Meanwhile, Joan tells us she woke up thinking about her time with Chock and she realized she found love, so — that’s it! It’s decided! And now she has to break up with Guy during a rainstorm in a hotel hut in Bora Bora. They sit on the classic Bachelor breakup couch and she starts off sounding really positive, then quickly pivots to her heart being with someone else, and she wanted to spare him meeting her family and be left standing there on the last day. Okay. OKAY. This is very nice of her. It’s so hard to watch, but making someone go through their whole proposal and then potentially get dumped is sincerely cruel, and they should quit it.

Guy cries and they hug and aghhhhh. He tells her how good he felt today, and Joan says she loves him, but in a different way. When Guy, still definitely reeling from this news, says he was going to tell her kids that he wanted to marry her, Joan says, “Thank you for loving me like that.” I’ve ragged on Joan for her listening skills, but this was such a good response. At that moment, I was like, Damnnnn, well done, ma’am. He walks her out and stands there in the heavy rain.

At the live part of the episode, we see Guy backstage watching all this. Don’t make him watch that! He has to go talk to Jesse Palmer and not just cry the whole time! He comes out, and he looks GREAT. Look at his suit. Dang. Someone date Guy. But, uh. Also, there’s that whole restraining-order thing. He tells Jesse that he was convinced he was the guy (and a Guy!) and didn’t expect the breakup at all. They bring out Joan, who gets a standing ovation — as she should — and she and Guy have a long hug.

Joan seems to basically tell Guy that if they dated IRL and not on the show, she would’ve ended up with him? She keeps referring to the timing of the show and how the timing was wrong for them. If I were Chock, I would not enjoy this conversation. Joan also says how Guy was a caregiver in the house for everyone, and the evidence bears this out! Who helped Charles understand his wife’s final moments? Guy. Who is the only one who sang “Mansion Men” with Kim? Guy. Who tried to get Chock to not be a dick at the bowling alley? Guy. Well, here we are.

We go back to the pretaped portion, and since Guy is gone, it’s just Chock’s proposal. This is when I really started zoning out. Once again, the weather really adds some interest, as it’s extremely windy, and I get worried about Joan’s hair (it is fine). Joan talks about how she pictured a future with Chock from early on, etc., etc., he proposes, she accepts, and she gives him the golden rose. Then they FaceTime her mom to tell her the news, and “A Dream Is a Wish Your Heart Makes” plays as they make out on a boat.

In the final part of the finale, Joan and Chock come out to be interviewed. Chock must be taking tanning tips from some highly visible figure, because he is pure orange. He talks about how “classy” Joan was on the show, and I’m unsure what he’s defending her from. Joan shares that she had wanted to tell Chock she loved him for a while on the show, and the last few times she saw him, she really wanted to say it. WE KNOW, JOAN. You have no poker face. Jesse says they’re both glowing, but that’s just the orange. Chock continues to look up from under his eyebrows with his head tilted down, which is the way serial killers in movies look at people.

If these observations feel all over the place, they are! This finale was pretty hodgepodge. We get a last “IDGAF” hurrah from the person in charge of sponsorships as Jesse Palmer suddenly tells us that college-football playoffs are expanding to 12 teams. What? What? Why are we talking about this? There’s a football statue next to Jesse? I get that it’s on ESPN and that it and ABC are owned by Disney, but this was truly a bananas plug. We round out the ABC/ESPN/Disney trifecta with Jesse telling Joan and Chock that they and their families are going to Disney World. He gives a shout-out to Tiana’s Bayou Adventure and Slinky Dog Dash. Omg, why? Fire the Sponsorships Person. Unless they’re different than the Product Integration Person, in which case, fire both of them.

Lastly, we get a preview of Grant’s season of The Bachelor. I didn’t watch the most recent Bachelorette season and have no idea who this man is, but his season looks super messy, so that should be fun. He also gives us the best quote of the whole episode while explaining his tattoo: “This is a lone wolf. It symbolizes being alone.” Oh, Grant. Anyway, cheers to a predictable but unsatisfying ending to the season!