The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City Season-Finale Recap: Welcome to My Food Court!

Did this episode need to exist? I recognize I’m playing a dangerous game here because arguably no episode of Bravo programming needs to exist. There’s something wild, though, about settling in for the grand finale of one of the most outrageous Housewives seasons on record (at least plot-wise), and it’s just … this. Don’t get me wrong! I secretly love filler episodes because they mean less transcribing 45-minutes of yelling and more pontificating about what kind of snacks Heather keeps in her Prada Monolith boots (my money’s on Chomps Jalapeño Beef Sticks up top and Sour Patch Watermelon down below). But the juicy bits here were all in the preview? We could have just watched Lisa Barlow-Durst lose her religion in Zion, taken a few weeks off to recuperate, and gone straight to the 47-part reunion.

On the bright side, at least clipsicles are back! Lisa runs to her event space to pretend like some guys slapping washi tape on a wall is the second coming of Christ. Mary heads to the local putt-putt course with Robert Jr. to gamble away those tithings ($100 a hole!). I want nothing more than this kid to find peace or, at the very least, a supportive friend group and a living situation that does not involve Mary’s haunted doll lamps.

Ding dong! It’s some movers at Shah Chalet who stroll in to give a quote for a 9,000-to-4,500 sq. ft. downsize and, wait just a minute! Why does Jen know them so well? At first, I just assumed they were pals, but there were multiple mentions of “just like we’ve done in the past.” How many times has Jen moved within the greater SLC area? Also, because this is all just filler content, I’m going to take a second to discuss Murilo getting beverages for everyone. He clearly either asks what they want or already knows because they’re all different and not in an “I just grabbed a ton of options, so everyone will find something” kind of way. You already know this man would NEVER give Jen a beverage she does not like for fear of, um, retaliation. This all logically points us to a haunting hypothesis: Jen’s favorite flavor of LaCroix is COCONUT. Someone call the feds (maybe Meredith has their number handy?)! I don’t want to say this is a smoking gun, but like, if you’re drinking villain juice, you might be a villain?

At the cemetery, Heather hosts a small celebration of life for her father John since she couldn’t have a proper funeral during a COVID surge. Her sisters, brother, and mom don’t show up. Even the sister she sort of reconciled with while in Vail is a no-show because she’s “loyal to the family taking a stand, refusing to participate.” I need to know if “participate” means “be on a Bravo television program” or “interact with a non-Mormon.” Heather says they may have had a separate memorial without telling her, which is both soul-crushing and “hmmm, much to think about” given all this goddamn memorial discourse. Those who signed their Bravo release forms lay in the grass and consecrate their newly formed Mormon-defector alliance by noshing on some waffles in styrofoam containers. Bone Apple Teeth!

Speaking of unsustainable to-go vessels, Meredith heads to a frozen pond with approximately thirteen thousand branded water bottles so the whole family can slip on some silky jam jams and take photos for her jewelry line. Oh, GLAAD is somehow involved, as well. Apparently, “people are always asking when the men’s collection’s coming out, and the answer is my men’s collection’s never coming out — my jewelry is for everybody.” I refuse to believe any human male has ever asked this. Plus, Things Remembered is still operating out of plenty of local malls. This particular market is surely satiated. Anyway, Brooks makes an incest joke, so I’m choosing to disengage from this scene.

At the Rose household, Whitney dons a red lace teddy she purchased from a prop auction for the 2007 smash hit, A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila. Justin comes home from a trip, she pours Dom between her ample titties, and they get down to business. By business, I mean “sponcon for LoveIsArt®.” That 401k isn’t gonna rebuild itself!

Alas, it’s time for all the gals to gussy up for the final VIDA® event of the season. Lisa asks Jack which neon blazer she should wear because she scorched all her friendships and now must take fashion advice from someone in a Kappa shirt. Murilo brushes Jen’s wigs, and all I can think about is what she’s going to wear to her trial (which starts in March! Mark those calendars). Crossing my fingers for “Gaga-as-Gucci x Alexis Neiers” being the overall vibe.

The VIDA® event theme is “’80s/’90s DECADENCE for the release of their crystal-adorned bottles.” That just means the venue looks like if you took Ashley Darby’s cougar party (the one where Katie Rost damn-near boned her man at the table) and then put it through a Saved by the Bell-branded IG filter. The catering is Stouffer’s french bread pizzas made in a toaster oven. The dress code is “Amelia Earhart-meets-Miss Cleo,” or at least that’s how Jen interprets it. Decadence across the board!

Meredith shows up late with Seth, in a Reagan/Bush shirt, which led me to spiral over whether it’s more ick to own an OG Reagan/Bush shirt from 1984 or buy a replica from Walmart solely for this occasion. Lisa tells Meredith, “LOOK HOW CUTE WE LOOK. WE LOOK BEAUTIFUL; YOU LOOK SO PRETTY, COME SIT DOWN. I’M GLAD YOU’RE HERE — I LOVE YOU.” Would the average therapy jargon TikToker classify this as “love bombing?” Either way, nothing says “genuine friendship of ten years” like a venomous tirade followed by a shower of only the emptiest compliments!

Mary arrives. Coach Shah thanks her for inviting Jen to church because they were kind to her, to which she replies, “You know why? Because they follow the lead — what I’m telling them to do because it’s coming from me. I have love. I don’t waffle in pain. I don’t waffle in people hurting — I forgive them and move on.” Perfect timing because Whitney comes up to apologize for calling her church a cult, and OH NO, HERE WE GO. Jennie flips their conversation into Mary not liking her. Mary tells her to shut up then says, “okay, you gettin’ hood on us, huh?” before also muttering to her henchman, Jesus (presumably), to “come get this little ant.” Jennie calls Mary uneducated, yells more, then throws a glass at her when she walks away. I have never been more “TEAM NO-ONE” than this racist/classist showdown.

Post-brawl, Jen breaks down Jennie’s glass-throwing technique and determines her own to be superior. Lisa tries to get everyone to move beyond “neutral” and do a group hug of friendship. Meredith even reluctantly tells Jen they’re friends before everyone fully loses the plot, and we end up rehashing the Marks marriage rumors. Next thing I know, Meredith’s grabbing Seth and storming off, screaming, “I’ll tell you about who everybody dated who nobody knows about!”

We’ve now seen this same clip no less than 12 times, and to precisely no one’s surprise, Meredith stays tight-lipped and provides zero additional context. For someone “more than happy” to share the darkness her private investigator dug up, she’s giving us nothing, eh? Jen wants to crucify Meredith the same way everyone is crucifying Mary for running off, and I think everyone needs to put the nails down and maybe not crucify anyone? Just a thought?

Alas, they roll those silly little end cards a production assistant made in Google Slides for each of the gals. Before the curtain drops, Whitney takes off her shoes, straddles Justin like it’s after-prom, and the Bacardi 151 is hitting, and mumbles, “I don’t even know what they’re fighting about; it’s so stupid.”

AMEN. And with that, the season’s a wrap. Thanks for hanging with me the last 21 weeks, and see y’all on the other side. <3