The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City Recap: Welcome to Our Playground

The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City

Sex, Lies and Sister Wives

Season 2 Episode 6

Editor’s Rating 4 stars ****

Photo: Bravo

So I’m not a licensed physician or a wannabe gynecological expert or whatever a chiropractor is, but are y’all in therapy? I feel like there’s this thing that happens where you show up to your session and are like, “Damn, I have nothing to talk about today, this is gonna be such a waste of the astronomical cost this country’s bullshit healthcare system charges for this,” and the next thing you know you’re in DEEP on how that time you barfed all over the hallway in eighth grade was likely a catalyst for at least two of your anxiety disorders and maybe even your alcoholism. It’s like the air in your therapist’s office is some kind of deadbeat dad who’s all, “Oh, you wanna talk? I’ll GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO TALK ABOUT.” And then, 55 minutes later, you crawl out of the bleakness and hurry home to medicate your new scourge of self-knowledge with the sweet, sweet bimbo juice of Bravo programming. Plus, RHOSLC is a filler episode this week? Nice, just what the doctor ordered!! Well, the joke’s on all of us because this episode is basically the entire thing I just explained. Nothing happens, but also [demonic whisper referring to the gals’ collective psyche] everything happens.

Even the typically zany clipsicles are bleak. At aerial fitness, Whitney practices her confessional one-liners, and Lisa drops an aside that she hasn’t worked out in nine years. (A diet culture humblebrag or a textbook Chekhov’s Gun? Stay tuned to find out!) They high five toes, and then we zip on over to the Cosby residence, where Robert Sr. is back after being stuck in Florida for an entire year. Mary is distraught because she loved being alone, and her grandpa-husband is a total stranger who does things like make short-grain rice when she prefers long. He’s starting to get comfortable, and she’s starting to think of places he can go. I would normally see this as some budding murder plot, but Mary has a henchman named Jesus she sends after anyone who crosses her, so he’ll probably just take care of it.

Over at the salon, Lisa, Meredith, and Jennie get their tootsies smooched on by a bunch of tiny fish with chemical spit and sandpaper lips. Lisa drops that she gets two pedicures a week and then expounds that her near-decade without working out isn’t merely part of her KFC-chompin’ personal brand. When she had her first kid, she stopped being a gym rat (her words) because she had bad mom guilt (also her words). She resented that John was still gettin’ right and tight because it wasn’t something she allowed herself, and once she identified the trigger (John’s gym bag), she “no longer cared.” Hmmm. Before anyone can call bullshit, Lisa immediately switches the spotlight to Jennie’s ongoing pregnancy pressure from her monster of a husband. Jennie provides even more detail about how Duy is 50-something, her tubes are tied, and she doesn’t have it in her to have more pregnancies or raise more children. She explains how among her 13 pregnancies (!!!), her second one was a stillbirth, and she didn’t know the baby passed away until she woke up from sedation to see Duy’s head shaved, which is a mark of the grieving process in their culture. He isn’t comfortable talking about his feelings to this day, and Jennie doesn’t want to go through more pregnancies to try and heal his trauma. Before Lisa can get in some unhinged comment about how she relates because her son’s head was also shaved during that ill-fated trip to 7-Eleven, Meredith gently suggests they go to counseling.

Alright, time for some comparatively lighter fare. First up, it’s two alleged criminals hitting the jewelry store to check out their “sugar daddy’s” latest wares. They hem and haw over snake allegory, and then Jen agrees that six snowflake necklaces are a perfect gift for all the ladies because they’re all different religions or something and not because that’s what the CGI artists at Bravo selected as a cute little orb-y thing for the gals to hold two years ago. The price is “$2,700-$3,200.” Is that each or total? I have no idea, and Jen doesn’t seem to either. It’s almost as if she spends money like it isn’t hers! Then, we’ve got Heather and her daughter Ashley going through the mail and talking about desire and consent. Related — this is last week’s much-discussed chicken-sex book, in case anyone needed a refresher on animal husbandry.

Speaking of husbands, John and Justin continue their scheming to get Lisa and Whitney to play nice with a Barlow-Rose double date. Just kidding! They’re not smart enough for that! This was all part of Lisa’s long-con to clear her name as it pertains to Angie’s catering snafu, or at least that’s what Whitney says because … SURPRISE! The double-date is at the restaurant owned by the flakey caterers who SURPRISE immediately stop by the table with carnitas tacos and an alibi and SURPRISE they also stock a certain someone’s tequila brand. (#CheersToVida #ad #sponsored.) Whitney immediately calls Lisa out, Lisa does the high-pitched Replicant glitching thing, Justin and John’s souls leave their bodies, yet somehow it all works out. They take a bunch of shots and agree never to discuss the past again. Sidenote, where is Angie? The real long con here feels like her showing up for an episode, teasing several backstories, and blowing shit up while stealthily gunning for a snowflake behind the scenes. Not Lisa’s cocktail of fake crying, schilling her booze brand, and cackling like Bowser from Super Mario 64 if Bowser had a steady routine of Taco Bell and Restylane.

Whew, okay. The rest of this episode is 19 different flavors of soul-crushing. Since Jen can’t repent to her teenage son Omar with a diamond necklace, she instead talks to him like a Pomeranian when he’s a fully sentient 15-year-old with his own thoughts and desires — exactly none of which include “mommy coming to the school” to decorate his locker and see him in the hallways and meet his friends. Coach Shah is like, oh, surely he doesn’t want you there because he knows how busy your schedule is and doesn’t want you to feel obligated. Is this what they teach in coach school? Because damn, my dude is quick with the positive spin. I hope he saves some of that for a rainy day because I heard there might be some coming!

In other familial disgust news, Mary throws on $3,500 worth of Thom Browne to stand around at the tennis court and tell Meredith how the grandpa-husband mess goes way deeper than rice varietals and desire for occasional alone time. She says she’s jealous of Meredith’s situation with Seth never being around — not in an “absence makes the heart grow fonder” way but in an “if I could, I would raze my husband down to a tiny nubbin and change everything about him” way. Mary is very unsettled about Robert Jr. leaving them alone because then she’ll have to get to know Robert Sr., and “based on what she knows now, she doesn’t want to get to know him.” Too bleak to even joke about. Waiting with bated breath to see how Henchman Jesus handles this um, conundrum.

Oh, did you think Jennie and Duy were going to use their cross-country skiing date to have a moment of communication and mutual understanding? The last few weeks, I assumed the “Duy asking Jennie for a sister wife” clip surely had to be taken out of context. And while yes, it was, the real context is so much worse. It’s not just some kind of joke, but a genuine suggestion in the context of Jennie firmly not wanting any more kids after almost a dozen miscarriages, a stillbirth, and raising three seemingly delightful children. Plus, she’s had a tubal ligation? Oh, and she’s crying after rehashing the visceral pain of losing not one but multiple children? AND polygamy is not uncommon in their culture, with Duy’s grandfather having four wives and Jennie’s father having multiple girlfriends? Absolute fuckery. Is this man/entire situation producer-planted? Because the lack of basic empathy on display here is really something special. Maybe Henchman Jesus is accepting new clients?

Anyway, I’m going to go read some Octavia Butler to get the taste of Duy’s “we gotta have more kids to fix the world” nonsense out of my mouth. See you next week for a bunch of babies having a Botox birthday party and what appears to be a tubing trip fated for disaster!