The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City Reunion Recap: Mother Mary

The second part of the RHOSLC reunion begins as all reunion episodes should: mid-scream. Angie and Monica are wrapping up their fight from last week, with Angie accusing her of spending her money on a purse rather than her kids, but luckily, Meredith cuts the back-and-forth short by requesting they turn the heat up in the chilly soundstage. Apparently the fake snow and icicles on the sunken pirate ship aren’t just for show, and the studio’s thermostat is also paying homage to the frigid Salt Lake.

And speaking of frigid, it’s time to dig into the bizarre relationship between Monica and her mother, Linda. Get your dessert guacamole ready and settle in. That story line left off with Linda seemingly stopping Monica’s family from seeing her during their trip to Bermuda, which Monica now says is an “unsolved mystery” (staying on theme) because she hasn’t spoken to her mother since. Apparently, prior to the trip, Linda reached out to production asking to go to Bermuda too, and when they said no, she decided to pull the rug out from the whole plan as retribution. When Andy asks Monica what “dream” Linda abandoned her to pursue in New York, Monica solemnly and hauntingly answers, “Television.”

And it came true. “Do you think your mom was auditioning to be a Housewife a little bit?” Andy asks her after the other women mention how charming she was at Greek Easter, and Monica drops yet another bombshell about Linda, or LDMillionaire, as she’s known on Twitter (this family loves an online pseudonym). Monica shares that after her final interview for the show, she was worried that she bombed it and was crying to Linda, who said a prayer, “Lord, if it’s not Monica, let it be me.”

The dynamic between Monica and Linda becomes infinitely more compelling when we finally address the elephant in the room and break the fourth wall to explore the role the cameras have in the relationship. Before, it felt like watching them put on a contrived play, but now we’re able to dig into the truth and authentic conflict beneath that performance, which is far more interesting. It’s Bravo’s very own production of Gypsy, starring Linda as Mama Rose. Here she is, boys! Here she is, world! Here’s LDMillionaire! Curtain up, light the lights!

The rest of the cast is shocked by everything Monica is sharing, finding perhaps the closest thing to common ground we’ll get all reunion. Lisa apologizes for taking Linda’s side so early without knowing the full story. Heather shares her own estrangement from her mother, and Whitney can relate to her story because of her own experience with her father on the show. But this kumbaya moment is short-lived.

The conversation turns to another part of Greek Easter, which didn’t air but did get aired out on Twitter: when Monica fell down Angie’s stairs. Monica explains that when she was going down to the basement to collect her kids, she took a tumble down the banister-less stairway, and we even get a glimpse at unseen footage before and after the spill. This of course happened just before Monica told her mom to find her own ride home, an Uber courtesy of production, which she apparently called a shitbox because it was a Subaru. Wait, maybe God should have made her a Real Housewife after all?

Monica then drags Meredith into this mess, claiming that she advised her to sue Angie, which Meredith denies. Angie then accuses Monica of suing people for a living — completely ignoring those homemade baby blankets she sells online — but Monica claims she’s never sued anybody in her life, stopping the room in its tracks. “You’re suing me,” Heather says, and Monica clarifies that it’s simply a counter to Heather’s lawsuit against her for not paying Beauty Lab. So apparently countersuits don’t count. You might be wondering, as I was, how they’re able to be so litigious when there’s reportedly a clause in all Real Housewives’ contracts that bars them from suing one another. Apparently, that clause covers only incidents that occur during filming, which would mean they’re free to sue away since Monica skipped on her bill off the air.

But which Monica is suing Heather? Darnell? Fowler? Garcia? Monica finally sets the record straight on all of her various identities, explaining that Darnell is her maiden name, Fowler is her married name, Delgado is her father’s side, and Garcia is her mother’s side. She goes on to say that her mother commented on her ever-changing surname as a dig because she knew the women were making an issue of it. Monica then accuses Lisa of saying she was only going by Garcia to seem more Latina to get on the show — which Lisa categorically denies. Instead, the cast all agree that Jen was actually the person who said that, which does sound like something Jen would say.

We move on from a bad mother (Linda) to a good mother (Lisa), who addresses the rumors that Jack bounced on his mission trip after he was spotted in California rather than Colombia as planned. She explains that he was sent there temporarily because his Visa was delayed after he tried to submit a shirtless abs pic for his Visa photo. “In his defense, he’s been working out really hard,” Lisa says.

“This is why I needed to be involved,” Heather responds before explaining why this story line was so triggering to her in the first place. She says it was particularly tough being excluded since Whitney, who is just as anti-LDS as she is, got to go along for the ride. Ultimately, this entire plot point was all about cognitive dissonance and Heather and Whitney’s ability to compartmentalize and separate their feelings about Mormonism with their support for their friend. Their intentions and Lisa’s were all positive, but everybody’s inclusion in Jack’s journey hinged on if and when the right balance was struck between those conflicting emotions. Now, Heather says, she’s found that balance and is there to support the Barlow family no matter which end of the Mormon spectrum Jack is on when he returns home.

Speaking of mission trips, Mary M. Cosby is about to embark on one of her own, finally joining the rest of the women on the reunion stage to spread her personal gospel. “Great to see you at a reunion,” Andy tells her, delivering a light dig for her skipping the season two reunion. He also brings up her recent WWHL appearance, where she said she returned to the show to help them out — asking the women if they thought they needed her. Heather and Angie humbly say yes, agreeing that she brought something to the show. “Angie, this is your first year; why are you even answering?” Mary snaps before someone explains to her that Angie was being nice. And yet Angie continues to roll with Mary’s punches, even kindly alerting her to the lipstick smeared all over her teeth, which seems to earn her a spot back in Mary’s good graces alongside Monica and Meredith.

Heather doesn’t understand why she lost her spot, but Mary explains that it was the fact that she said her dining-room chairs looked like they were out of Whoville in a confessional. What’s worse, Dr. Seuss chairs or telling someone they look inbred? “I think my house comment’s worse,” Mary says. Sociologists should study this woman, but until then, it’s up to us. To her credit, she has no issue saying anything she has to say to their faces. She’s so unfiltered, in fact, that in unseen footage, we see her talking about telling her son’s girlfriend (or wife, she’s still not sure) to stop faking an orgasm after overhearing them having sex, as not to give Robert Jr. a big head.

But Mary’s biggest adversary on the show, apart from that necklace Heather wore, is Whitney, who says that she was nervous about her grand return but hoped to resolve things. That didn’t happen, but Whitney does now apologize for calling Mary a “predator” during the second season — saying it was the result of her own “trauma with being in a high-demand religion.” As we run through a collection of their tweets about each other, we get to one in which Mary called Whitney racist, which she doubles down on, citing the fact that she was brought up Mormon. Andy turns to our resident Mormon expert, Heather Gay, to explain LDS’s racist history, and she agrees with Mary to an extent, saying, “Mormon doctrine is rooted in racism.” While Whitney agrees, Lisa, the only practicing Mormon on stage, adamantly rebukes. Throwing Lisa a bone, Heather clarifies that today’s Mormon Church is making efforts to right those wrongs.

Ultimately, Mary clarifies that Whitney has never personally done or said anything to her to elicit that feeling. It’s a conversation that could have easily become very muddled, but Whitney navigates it well, somehow managing to clear her name without ever discounting or discrediting Mary’s perspective, which she shows a great deal of respect for (even though it’s against her).

Before Mary leaves us and heads back to her green-carpeted home, Andy asks her what her perspective is on Reality Von Tease, a name that we shockingly haven’t heard all episode. Mary says she thought the big finale reveal was over the top, especially because she didn’t know about, and thus didn’t really care about, the account.

“Would you care if that account called you a dumb bitch?” Lisa asks, and right on cue Heather pulls up an audio recording of Monica saying just that, allegedly about Mary. Monica argues that it’s out of context, and the back and forth becomes confusing enough for Mary to just check out. Now that the subject’s been broached, they dive right in, with Monica claiming that Reality Von Tease is really six different people, while Heather says there’s an investigation underway. How much more investigating could there be to do? Mary finally jumps in to defend Monica, saying that she doesn’t think the other women have heard her side of the story. But next week, Andy assures us, they’ll be doing just that.