The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City Recap: Mafia Mama

After last week’s debacle over Meredith getting the worst, tubless room, this week’s episode brilliantly kicks off with B-roll highlighting the gorgeous seaside views from everybody’s room. And then when we get to Meredith’s view, they just cut to a shrub. Last week, I suggested that Monica give up her room to appease our ailing Meredith, but since today is her birthday that doesn’t seem entirely fair, in hindsight. Heather’s leading the charge, decorating their house for a celebratory breakfast — and to think in just a few short episodes, something so seismic will occur that pits these two against each other on opposite reunion couches.

As they decorate, the women discuss the blowup with Whitney the previous night, when she told Heather to “shut the fuck up,” and Meredith, who also speaks like that, hilariously claims that she doesn’t believe in speaking like that. Right on cue, Whitney herself walks in as this conversation is going on and apologizes to Heather for speaking to her like that. The pair awkwardly hug, much like two siblings whose parents are forcing them to make up after a fight, and it looks like we’ll be able to actually move on.

When Monica arrives for breakfast, she’s touched by the kind birthday gesture, telling the women that it means a lot, especially considering the hard time she’s going through with her mother. We find out that their big plans to go to therapy, which Linda was notably all for, went awry, and her mom stood her up. On the other hand, Linda was eager to come to Bermuda and was trying to show up as a surprise. So when it’s putting in the work to heal their relationship, she’s MIA, but when it’s a fun vacation, she’s all for it.

But Monica is excited to finally get to visit her family that lives there, for the first time in 30 years, and asks Lisa to come with her so she’s not alone. It’s a major step in their quickly healing relationship, and Lisa’s thrilled to go with her. And while she has her alone to ask this, Monica figures it’s also a good time to bring up Meredith’s alleged claims about Angie being in the Greek mafia. Just as she says this, we cut to Angie, wearing her Greek-flag bikini and struggling to climb into a flamingo pool float. The Don herself. Lisa thinks these rumors are completely ridiculous and are yet another example of Meredith attempting to besmirch Angie’s good Greek name.

“It’s ironic that she’s having this conversation with you, and then all of a sudden you’re getting documents to back it up,” Lisa says, putting the pieces together and saying it’s the same thing that happened last season with her SEC filing. Lisa comes to the same conclusion that Monica seemed to be hinting at last week: that Meredith was the one who anonymously sent the info to Monica, so she would do the dirty work and Meredith’s hands would stay clean.

Continuing to push the boundaries of what a pair of sunglasses can and can’t be, the women of Salt Lake City load up into the Sprinter van to go Jet Skiing. When Heather talks about her daughter off at college living her best life, Monica jumps in to weirdly ask if she’s had sex — which Heather naturally shuts down, saying she’d never disrespect her daughter by talking about that. In their respective confessionals, Angie says Heather hasn’t fully deprogrammed from her LDS upbringing, while Monica says she thinks a “Bad Mormon” should be able to talk about sex. All right, you weirdos, Heather talks about sex all the time, arguably more than anybody else in the cast. Literally earlier that day she was comparing Monica’s birthday balloons to a ball sack! But talking about her daughter’s sex life is something totally different, and it’s a deeply bizarre thing to ask about, ex-Mormon or not.  

After Jet Skiing, the women get back into the van, where Monica suddenly breaks down into tears and storms out sobbing. Lisa runs after her to try to figure out what happened, and while consoling her in the bathroom, Monica tells her, “My mom just made my family not meet me.” In her confessional, she clarifies that she randomly got a text from her family in Bermuda that they no longer wanted to see her, and she suspects her mother was involved. “I feel so alone; it’s one thing to feel like I have a rocky relationship with my mom, and it’s another thing to feel like you have no family at all,” she says.

Lisa is shocked that her mother would do that, and the fact that she’s the one consoling Monica is pretty remarkable considering where they were just a couple of weeks ago. Remember, it wasn’t long ago that Lisa was at Monica’s throat and defending Linda, but now concedes, “I don’t know much about the dynamic between Monica and her mom, but clearly it’s way different than I thought it was.” When they get back on the bus, the other women wonder what’s wrong, but Monica realizes she left her shoe outside and whimpers, “I’m shoeless.” Shoeless, not toothless. Trademark it, Dorit! Lisa fills the other women in on what’s going on, and they all spend the van ride consoling Monica, who feels like she’s not wanted by anybody. Not by her mother, not by her family, and not by her in-laws (but to be fair, that last one’s probably because of the affair).

Intent on rallying for Monica’s birthday, Lisa suggests they play “Marry, Fuck, Kill” with each other’s husbands while lounging on the beach. Finally, a normal game! And yet somehow Angie doesn’t know how to play. Even though it was Lisa’s idea, she refuses to “fuck” anyone besides John Barlow. “I can’t fuck anybody else. I can’t even think of fucking anybody else because I love fucking John.” What about a celebrity? “Idris Elba,” she says without missing a beat.

After the game, Lisa takes a walk with Angie to tell her what Meredith has been saying about her being in the Greek mafia and the mysterious DMs that Monica received, which she believes were from Meredith. Later, Angie goes to Monica to get the full story “from the horse’s mouth.” They’re all now on the same page and believe that they’re seeing right through Meredith’s evil scheme, which doesn’t bode well for her — especially if this really was a plot that is now crumbling.

Despite Lisa and Meredith’s strict ban on costumes, the cast is having a pirate-themed dinner for Monica’s birthday, and as is to be expected, Lisa’s and Meredith’s outfits barely qualify. If anything, their looks are pirate inspired. Their approach to a costume party is basically Disney-bounding. Meanwhile, Monica arrives in full Jack Sparrow drag. The dinner itself is just as theatrical, being held fully in an actual cave, which I can only imagine was a nightmare for the sound department — especially considering the echoing they must have been dealing with as the cast screamed at one another. Staying on the theme of pirate booty, Monica kicks off the dinner with a question for the group. “Since I felt sex shamed earlier on the bus, I would just like to ask, when was the last time everybody had sex?” All of the married women answer, but Heather refuses, saying she doesn’t think it’s a fair question since she’s the only single one in the bunch. Monica chimes in that she’s single too, even though her husband won’t sign the divorce papers, which then results in a back-and-forth between them about who’s more single. “Shut the fuck up,” Heather finally says, and then catching herself, adds, “Like Whitney said to me last night.” Speaking of Whitney, she chimes in with a defeated, “We should not play games anymore.” The voice of a nation.

But some people don’t need games to create drama, and Angie sees an opening to bring up Meredith’s supposed accusations against her. “I have not made these claims,” Meredith says diplomatically, completely denying that she’s said anything about Angie being in the Greek mafia. Monica fires back, saying that she did, and then they dive into the details of the Instagram DMs. “Well, it’s not me,” Meredith says, channeling her inner Shaggy, but the rest of the women have all made up their minds. Lisa hits her breaking point and is done playing nice to try and repair that friendship, “You did it to Mary, you did it to Jen. You said before Jen even got arrested, ‘She’s gonna have a RICO case, a racketeering case.’ What’s gonna come out about me next? Say it now.” In the midst of this, Lisa then says, “Crossman, can I get some bread?” to their waiter, Cosmin. She has to keep her energy up.

Despite everybody’s heightened emotions, Meredith remains completely calm. But Lisa insists that they’re all on to her and they’re over it. “If one more fucking DM shows up, I will have my cybersecurity team go the distance on it … You can always figure out who’s doing stuff,” she says. And just like that, I need to know everything about Lisa Barlow’s cybersecurity team. We must meet them. We must see them fight cyberattacks against Vida tequila or hack into Diet Coke’s mainframe to check supply levels. I’d watch an entire spinoff just about them. What is Peacock for if not that?