The Real Housewives of Potomac Recap: Pretty Little Liars

Welcome back, friends. I hope everyone has had a lovely holiday season and rang in the New Year with their families and loved ones. Congrats on surviving 2022 with the rest of us. Now, let’s dive into this week’s Potomac.

Karen Huger will launch her The Grande Dame & Friends tour at the D.C. Improv comedy club, a centrally located venue downtown that she deems “historic.” I mean, it’s no Showtime At the Apollo, Caroline’s, or Comedy Cellar, but who am I to pull the Lady Huger out of her delusions? Regardless, her planned run of the show is a standard small-scale variety show and drag revue, replete with comedy, musical talent from the  Jasmine Masters of RuPaul’s Drag Race and internet meme fame, a Q&A section, and Karen holding court with her flights of fancy. Who else would compare their own fanbase — the LaDames — to the Beyhive or call themselves the Muhammad Ali of live shows after their first outing?

For that reason, I can’t understand why the rest of the cast acts confused about what the event is. The program was fairly straightforward unless they had never been to a drag brunch or variety show. It was an opportunity for Karen fans to be in her presence while she could be a hag for drag queens during Pride month and push her lifestyle products. It’s much closer to what Countess Luann does with her cabaret, wardrobe changes and all, with Karen coming just short of her recording music and singing herself (but they both love to look at posters of themselves). However, the shady black and white title cards from production indicate that Jasmine was unpaid for her contributions. I hope that isn’t true or that the expectation is for Jasmine to split the door somehow because that is not a good look if that’s the case.

Try as they might, the actual live show is a bit of a non-event for me. Karen and her assistant/producer/publicist/partner in crime Matt have a run-of-show and, for the most part, execute it without much issue. However, what is happening behind the scenes is much more interesting. Mia and Jacqueline hastily try to do damage control over the varying stories they had told amongst the group and fail miserably. There’s no reason why you have to spend two minutes explaining why you two shower together — especially saying that it is “economical” when your whole lifestyle is an homage to excess. How goofy must Jacqueline feel hearing herself say aloud, “[my Porsche] is in my name, so I income qualify to get the vehicle. Did you help me put the down payment on it because you knew that at that moment I was spending a lot of money to get out of this unhealthy relationship, and you wanted to give me a cushion because you love me?” Only for G to respond with “[Mia] loves you.” It would have just been easier if you had openly said, “Yeah, they paid for my Porsche, so what? Friends look out for each other.” Now you all look crazy.

Instead of acknowledging that this is a fiasco of her own making, Mia creates a diversion and chooses Karen as her target. Mia claims Karen told Gizelle things that Mia told Karen in private, chiefly her relations with Peter’s ex and her deep sea diving expeditions with Jacqueline. In contrast, Mia hasn’t told the rest of the cast about Karen’s real issues with Charrisse. Now, this is patently ridiculous. For one, Mia told Karen all of those things on camera. It was not a secret by any means. Mia insists that she’s an open book and tries to curry favor with Gizelle and Robyn at every turn, so why would there be an assumption or expectation that Gizelle and Robyn would be off-limits? However, let’s accept the premise that Mia had a right to be annoyed or frustrated. Instead of being an adult and addressing it in a conversation with Karen since they’re neighbors, Mia tries to make a scene during Karen’s event, which comes off more try-hard than anything else.

Meanwhile, Ashley introduces Gizelle to her girl group. She can’t keep track of whether she wants to call them the PYTs, the Pretty Little Things, or the Pretty Little Liars. Either way, their entire purpose as a collective is to keep Ashley hot to trot in these streets (read: get them VIP sections and bottles for free that they wouldn’t get otherwise) and also peddle rumors and create chaos that the show will quickly debunk with production footage. Gizelle, always giddy for some conflict, meets up with the group to download all of the information they have on what took place at the Spring Fling. At this point, that was more than ten episodes ago, and it looks rather pathetic to linger on (although I know filming time was probably a little under a month ago). Deborah goes on this drawn-out saga of how Chris approached her at the bar and made flirtatious overtures, which is immediately spliced in with production footage of that conversation that resembles nothing signifying a flirtatious tone and was, at best, polite bar talk while waiting for a drink.

The most insulting part of Ashley’s incessant scheming is that she will claim to be doing it under the auspices of looking out for others or “just sharing information.” Ashley is great television and her mischievousness knows no bounds — which is why she has a one-on-one with Wendy over rumors of Eddie’s behavior at the Spring Fling and brings Deborah to Karen’s big event knowing Candiace will be there.

To Wendy’s credit, she handles the one-on-one like a champ. One of the best ways to disarm someone trying to attack you but won’t come right out and say it is to play clueless and force them to state the problem. How absurd do you sound saying that a man is “very smiley”? Wendy doesn’t even get mad. Ashley knows that she miscalculated the reveal, and Wendy and Eddie can go back home and laugh about it at her expense. Candiace, however, will always be easily agitated by Ashley’s antagonizing. At Karen’s event, Robyn gives her the heads up that Deborah is at the table, to which she says, “I do not acknowledge Sesame Street characters. They are make-believe.” Ashley, of course, eventually forces the conversation, and Deborah insists to Candiace that Chris was flirting with all of her friends. Candiace surprisingly humors it for a bit, but she can only sit at a table of Big Birds for so long before she cuts bait, refusing a one-on-one and more camera time with Deborah. It’s a shameless play by Ashley and one that ultimately fails.

Next week, the girls go to Riviera Maya for Ashley’s birthday, Mia and Jacqueline’s fallout begins, and Charrisse and Karen spill over. Until then!

Cherry Blossoms

• Watching Ray Huger, Mr. Black Bill Gates, try to make heads or tails of what “The Grindr” is will be forever seared into my brain.

• I know it burned Gizelle the hell up to be mixed up for Karen Huger by a fan at her event. For someone like her who feels like she holds her beauty over everyone else on the cast? Oh, there were several sleepless nights after that happened.

• What was that drama supposed to be around that video that Charrisse posted in the group chat? So much happened in the club in Miami, my goodness. Also, very interesting that Katie Huger is still in the group chat.