The Real Housewives of New York City Recap: Utterly Clueless

What is Erin Mew Mew Lichy’s problem? Oh no, that is not a rhetorical question. That is a for-real, out-loud, I-expect-an-answer-back question because I cannot, for the life of me, figure it the fuck out. Why is she mad at Jenna? Did Jenna actually do anything? And if she didn’t, then why is Erin going all around the friend group talking about how Jenna is “fake as fuck” when there is not a single thing she did? It’s absolutely baffling. Almost as baffling as throwing yourself a Clueless-themed birthday party and not dressing in the iconic yellow plaid miniskirt outfit. Jessel, everyone was saving that one for you because it was your big day — how did you not deliver?

The episode starts with some very cute home scenes, including one of Pavit wearing glasses, and, to be perfectly honest, it did something to me. You know … (whispers) down there. I will always make passes at boys wearing glasses. After Sai said that he looked like Dory from Finding Nemo that was stuck in my head, but now we have sexy glasses Pavit to take it away. I would happily go all the way to Vietnam and back just for a sandwich with that man.

That said, the two of them are hilarious together, and I would hate to break up their marriage. Jessel tells him that she will change her clothes a few times at her party, and he asks, “Why?” He thinks it’s silly and a waste of money. Um, no! It’s her birthday party. It is her big day. Let her shine. Let her change 20 times if she wants to. I love how, at the party, Brynn says, “Why are we doing outfit changes? It seems like a production.” Can you imagine what kind of birthday brat Brynn was in her 20s? I feel like she would have put the early seasons of Stassi Schroeder to shame. Brynn is the type of girl who didn’t have a birthday week or a birthday month, she had a whole birthday quarter. “Sorry, I won’t be in at all during Q3 because it’s my birthday. You’ll get me the nine other months of the year.”

Speaking of husbands, we get to see Sai at her upstate house in Tuxedo Park — a chic and very insular community — along with her husband, her kids, and her aunt Sufia. Sai says that if her husband had his way, they would be up there all the time, but she needs sirens and people saying, “Fuck you,” first thing in the morning to feel safe. I’m with Sai. When I first moved to London we lived on this quiet, leafy street and it was silent at night and I couldn’t fall asleep. I would look forward to the howls of the foxes. I don’t know what’s weirder, that London has urban foxes or that when they mate, they make a noise that sounds like a baby being stabbed. I missed the noise of New York so much that’s what I was looking forward to.

Anyway, Sai decides to take her mom upstate and plant a tree for her and spread some of her ashes in the roots. Sufia says that she loved her sister Barbara and would always love her, and just scoops up a handful of ashes and puts them in the ground. I’m not crying, you’re crying! When she asks Sai to say something, she can’t even bring herself to. She’s so racked with grief that she ends up just staring into the hole. I don’t think that Sai is as miserable as everyone makes her out to be; I just think she’s terrible at expressing emotion, so the only thing she is comfortable with is anger. Hopefully, therapy can help with that. Eventually Sufia, playing the reality-show producer, asks Sai what this tree is going to mean to her. “New life,” she says, which is just enough. Luckily, the tears are broken up, but Sufia wipes her ashy hands all over everyone’s clothes. Um, bye, Ashy!

There’s also a good scene where Ubah gets a visit from Racquel, who is wearing glasses as hot and kooky as Pavit’s and the absolute weirdest skirt I have ever seen in my whole life. It’s like a little girl was wearing a pair of jeans and turned into a Werepoodle, so she was still wearing the jeans, but all of her fur was peeking through the tears and also turned into a skirt? I don’t know. It was a completely incomprehensible garment. It’s like something you would see at Dover Street Market and go, “That’s so cool, but who could ever wear that?” Racquel saw it and said, “Me. I could wear it.” And she can.

It is officially Racquel’s fifth episode, so by the power vested in me by the Eileen Davidson Accords, I will officially judge her as cool. I love Racquel. She seems fun, real, stylish, and like an excellent hang. I also love her butch girlfriend, Mel, and if I were ever to be in emotional turmoil, I feel like their house would be a safe space, and Mel would beat up whoever was giving me turmoil. Kinda perfect. I feel like Racquel, like the rest of this lot, might be a little bit too reserved for a career in the reality-television arts and sciences, but I’d much rather spend time with her than some of the real cuckoos out there on our screens. Or Becky Minkoff, who is so boring that the show is letting us know that they made a horrible casting decision.

I also like Racquel’s reaction to Ubah, at least in her confessionals. Ubah talks about how she doesn’t like Brynn because Brynn talked to Ubah about how she could be edited to look like an “angry black woman.” Racquel makes the point that it is a bit manipulative because Brynn made her angry and then critiques how Ubah reacted. But I also like how she took Brynn’s side when it came to the way that Ubah argues and won’t let Brynn speak. It seems like Ubah needs to feel her feelings out loud, but then when anyone else wants to give input, she shuts them down. This is what Brynn meant when she said she’s sick of Ubah saying, “No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.” That must be very frustrating and it seems like Ubah is great at dishing it out but horrible at taking it.

Brynn makes that comment while shopping with Erin and Jessel, and it’s also when Brynn says that Sai is a “troll who lives under the Brooklyn Bridge.” How long has she been sitting on that one? This is also where Erin first airs her grievances with Jenna. Erin says that she has been going through a hard time and that Jenna hasn’t been there enough for her. When she finds out that Jenna had lunch with Sai (which, need we remind everyone, is literally her job), she thinks that Jenna is fake because she’d rather eat with someone who talked about not liking her than texting Erin to ask if her kids’ playdate went alright.

I don’t understand how this makes Jenna “fake.” I mean, what is even fake, at least in a Housewives context? It seems like the easiest thing to say about a person because there is no way to either prove it or disprove it. Jenna is fake because Erin thought she was good friends with her, but she’s treating Sai the same way and Sai was mean to her? I could see how that is an annoying double standard, but “fake”?

Jessel’s Clueless party is actually a great time. Brynn and Sai slay so hard as Dionne. But the real costume of the night is Jenna’s as Mel, Cher’s father, with the Zach Morris-style brick of a cell phone attached to her ear all night. She is going around “suing” everyone on the cast. She sues Jessel for “defamation of Christmas,” she sues Brynn for “overexposure,” and she sues Erin for “destruction of property: Pavlova.” I’m sorry, but Jenna is trying here, people. She is dedicating herself to the bit, she is trying to have fun, she is bringing giggles. Why can’t the rest of the ladies learn a little bit from her?

At the party, Erin is saying that Jenna “annoys the fuck out of me.” Why? Because she didn’t call you enough? You can be let down by Jenna’s behavior without her annoying the fuck out of you. This behavior is why I can say that Erin was the meanest girl in her high school. Her grievances are so juvenile. “My friendships are about an authentic connection,” she says. But Jenna’s aren’t? And what makes her think that they didn’t have an authentic connection. Erin just decided, on a whim, that the girl who used to be her best friend wasn’t cool anymore and she’s now going to ostracize her from the friend group until she cries herself to sleep so many nights that her parents have to switch towns just to get her away from Erin’s wrath.

Brynn is also having issues with Jenna because she doesn’t like that Jenna is getting close with Sai. Brynn tells Jenna right to her face that she doesn’t like that she’s getting close to someone who is mean to her. Jenna will take that note and proceed accordingly. That is how real people do it. They talk to their friends. Meanwhile, Erin is sitting on a couch across the room talking shit about Jenna who has no idea that they’re even in a fight.

That changes when Jenna talks to Abe, and he says, “I think you and Erin have some unresolved tension.” Jenna taps on her ancient cell phone about 20 times because she can’t believe what she’s hearing. Surely there is a glitch. “Can you hear me now? Can you hear me now?” Finally, Jenna goes to Erin and asks if she’s okay. Erin says, “I’m perfectly fine … I just feel differently about us being friends.” Let me get this straight. Erin has spent days talking to all sorts of people about how she has beef with Jenna but then when confronted with it she is “perfectly fine.” If she’s so fine, why won’t she shut up about it?

Erin gives Jenna this whole speech about how when she’s friends with someone, she will be there with them until the end. Oh, so when Erin told everyone about Jenna not wanting to fly coach on the cast trip last season, that was her having Jenna’s back? Got it. Erin keeps on saying that she’s good, she’s fine, she doesn’t have a problem. It sure seems like she does because she has sucked everyone at the party, including Pavit’s glasses, into her orbit of discontent, and she’s also not offering anyone a way out of it. She is asking for grace but giving Jenna absolutely none of it.

When Erin finally tells Jenna what is up, Jenna says that she has been busy as well and that she’s not good at keeping in touch, especially checking in and sending the little texts that Erin needs. But now that she knows, she will try to do better. Many fans say this show is lacking drama, and they’re right to some degree, but this is not the drama that we want. This is drama that could have been resolved if Erin was enough of an adult to express her feelings to the person who was making her feel bad. Also, Erin says that what she’s really mad at is the fact that Jenna might have believed the story Brynn told her about Erin saying she was poor. Erin says that when Brynn saw them getting close, she decided she was going to break them up and ruin their friendship. Okay, so why isn’t Erin mad at Brynn? And if she is mad at Brynn, why is she taking it out on Jenna? Again, I ask you: What is Erin’s problem? Know what? I take it back. If this is what her problems are going to be, I’d rather just not know.