The Real Housewives of New York City Recap: Exit Wounds

Guys, Erin sucks. She suuuuuccccckkkkkkkssssss. Every single thing she said, every single thing she did this whole episode sucked so hard that there isn’t any chrome left on any of the bumpers in the up-and-coming neighborhood of Tribeca. She’s just the worst kind of person, a Regina George with a Goop subscription and the inalienable right to never think that any single thing she has done is not absolutely perfect and blessed by the wellness gods.

The first time we hear about Erin is at a casting that Jenna has for models for Love Seen, her line of fake eyelashes that should possibly consider a new name because Love Seen sounds like a line of designer sex toys. (Would buy if Instagram fed me an ad.) She has people of all shapes, sizes, genders, and skin tones there, so she asks Sai to be her wingperson so that the people she’s asking to model will see something other than an old white lady while they audition. There’s one adorable blonde named Mary who is very nervous and whom Jenna wants to flirt with.

She then tells us the Jenna Lyons origin story: that when she was in college, a professor asked if anyone had a nickname. Her name was always Judith and she hated it and saw a way out of having that name in college. But the only nickname she could think of was her brother calling her “Jenna-Jenna-Jenna-Talia,” which is a gag that is so good it is still hilarious to all of us well into middle age. Sai jokes that Jenna will tell this to strangers but not her friends, but sometimes it’s easier to tell people you don’t know that your name comes directly from a coochie. Anyway, at the casting, Jenna tells Sai that Erin is pissed she left the party early. Sai’s response: “I don’t care.” Y’all, this is why Sai might be my second-favorite on the cast.

But Erin is not mad that Sai left early. What she’s really mad about is that she didn’t get a picture of the whole cast — minus Ubah, who is Garcelle-ing this season to death by never showing up to anything. Why is she mad about this? Because the sponsors wanted it.

Yes, we have never experienced a group of clout-chasers quite like this group of women right here. They all know they’re on this show and it is a sellable commodity. They’re not mad at Erin for throwing what is objectively one of the worst parties we’ve ever seen in Housewives history; they’re mad that she thought about getting a bunch of people to pay for her swanky party first. When they were joking last episode about the whole thing being paid for by someone else, that was other players recognizing that Erin was winning the game.

We see the same thing this episode when Jenna brings a swag bag for all of the ladies at Brynn’s wreath-decorating party. Now, if Jenna Lyons brought me a bag of her favorite things, I would squeal with delight, use every single product, and then probably change all of my brands to Jenna’s brand. This is Jenna Fucking Lyons, as her new dress-shirt monogram reads. You listen to her recommendations and thank her kindly. But not this group. Brynn says she loves gifts, but “when they come in bulk, it’s weird.” What are you talking about? There are only a few things in life where more is always better: presents, money, oral sex, Melissa McCarthy movies, and Popeye’s biscuits. That’s the complete list.

Then Sai says that she thinks that because all of the items are Jenna Lyons collabs that she’s sensing an ulterior motive. Um, yeah. It’s called influencing. It is literally Sai’s entire livelihood. Is she mad because Jenna is showing up at her job and knocking the dicks out of her mouth, to paraphrase Kathy Griffin? Brynn also says that Jenna hopes that all of the women post pictures of her gifts on social media. Okay, two points. First of all, Brynn has 410,000 followers on Instagram, and that is right now after seven episodes of the show. That’s good, but Kourtney Kardashian, objectively the worst person who lives in the state of California, has 224 million. That is who you want posting on Instagram. Brynn is not even going to make a dent.

The other thing goes back to my first point, and that is that all of these ladies are here for the followers. They’re here for the clout. Ubah wants to sell hot sauce (but is bad at her job because she never shows up), Sai wants to keep influencing, Jenna wants to sell lashes, Erin wants to be able to throw giant parties for free because she’s Ramona Singer 2.0, and Brynn, I don’t know, wants to fuck your dad or something. But, yeah, they’re all here to get more famous, have a bigger platform, make more money. Dinging one of your co-workers for doing that is like being upset at another human that they need to breathe, eat, and empty their bladders and bowels on a regular basis. It’s not hating the player, it’s hating the game that they are all currently playing.

Anyway, we’re here to talk about Erin sucking. But let’s end with that, shall we. I want you to walk away from this recap thinking, God, Brian really hates Erin. In order to do that, we need to address that Brynn’s ex-fiancé Gideon is perfect, handsome, charming, and rich, and she should have married him if not for the childhood trauma that left a gaping hole in her center that no amount of flirting can fill.

That also means we need to make a pit stop in Jesseltown to see what is going on with my second-least-favorite of the new bunch. Jessel sits her mom down to tell her that she had her twins through IVF. She tells her mother that the reason she didn’t tell her is because her mother internalizes all of Jessel’s struggles and she didn’t want to upset her. That is actually a legit reason, but it is not what she told us before. Then she tells her mom that she didn’t want to say anything because if she told everyone, then the Indian community would gossip. There is a huge difference between telling her mother, her “best friend” and support system, and telling the world so there would be gossip. If she just told her mom, she could have had support and kept it under wraps. Instead, she is now telling her mom on-camera on a reality show where she also talks about how her husband hasn’t fucked her in two years. She’s worried about gossip and she’s baring all for an international audience. Sorry, but this math ain’t mathing. This math is actually in the wrong period, and instead of math it’s like, earth science or Latin II.

Okay, finally on to Erin. When we first see her, she is putting ice into her red wine and bitching about how rude all of the women were to her at the party. She’s mad Sai didn’t say good-bye, she’s mad that the ladies were talking during their vows, and then she’s mad that Brynn was flirting with her husband and saying that he should divorce Erin and marry her. Let’s take these grievances one at a time. First of all, Sai left because she was hungry and Erin didn’t feed her. I think that Sai is too hung up on the food and also that Erin never feeds her guests. This is a problem between the two of them that will never be fixed, so I’m going to ignore it. However, Sai is under no obligation to say good-bye. Erin is hosting. She had, what, a thousand people at this party. If they all said hello and good-bye, there wouldn’t be time for anything other than not feeding people. This is a bullshit grievance.

Secondly, there were too many goddamned speeches and these ladies are new friends. They don’t want to hear from your families. This was not a listening party, this was a socializing party. If you wanted people to listen, then you needed tables, you needed dinner, you needed, essentially, to throw another wedding. At an anniversary party, the couple gets a speech — short, five minutes each, max — and that is it. So, yeah, they were rude when Erin’s sister came to shush them, but well within their rights.

Finally — and this is why I hate Erin the most — Brynn was clearly joking. Brynn’s shtick is that she flirts with everyone. It does what it says on the tin, to use a British expression I am fond of. Abe was laughing, Jessel was laughing, Brynn was laughing. This was a joke. It was not a particularly good joke, and, yes, she took it way too far, but the spirit in which it was intended was clear to everyone. But someone as sincere as Erin can’t imagine this because she has never laughed at anything in her life except maybe a fart joke on TikTok because fart jokes are always funny.

Then she has the audacity to say to Abe, “My children were there, what if they heard that.” Oh my God, spare me the precious-children defense. Sister, your children are so young that they’re still wandering around the apartment wearing a shirt and no underpants. They’re not going to be scarred by overhearing Brynn joking with your husband. Also, if they were, you chose to have them at an adult party, so it’s kind of your fault. Erin says, “I’m sick to my stomach. I can’t be in the same room as her.” Really? ’Cause she made a bad joke? Ugh, go buy another overpriced leather motorcycle jacket and get over it, Erin.

This comes to a head at Brynn’s wreath-making and brown avocado and cold French fries party. Erin has this awful talent to take whatever people are talking about and make it about her grievances. Jenna (I think) asks everyone what they’re doing for the holidays. Erin essentially says, “I’m going to the Dominican Republic with my cousins who all gave speeches at my party and you would know that if you were paying attention.”

Sai has the perfect response: “There were so many people talking I couldn’t hear a thing.” Yes, that is because, as Brynn later says, the party was boring. No one wants to listen for that long. That said, if Erin stuck with, “You were rude at my party and rude to my sister when she shushed you,” she would have a point. But she doesn’t. Instead, she goes in on Brynn for making what was clearly a joke. Brynn’s not entirely right here. She says she never said “divorce,” and she won’t cop to some of the things we saw her say. Okay, fine. But we know the spirit in which she delivered them. She says, “Erin, give me a break,” which is an expression I bet Erin hears at least three times a week, including from her infant who can’t even speak yet. He delivers it telepathically.

Jessel, who was standing right there, rushes to Brynn’s defense, as do all of the other women because they know that Erin is just full of shit. I have never seen a Housewives fight where someone was aggrieved and no one else took her side. Erin was essentially laughed out of that wreath party, and as soon as she saw that she was in the wrong, she picked up her wreath and stormed off. She says in a confessional that the difference between Brynn and her other friends is that Brynn won’t apologize and move on. Yeah, that’s because her other friends know that if they correct her, if she doesn’t get her way, if she doesn’t get to be the alpha of the group, Erin won’t talk to them ever again. Erin has surrounded herself with yes-people and can’t deal with a group that will call her out on her bullshit, like trying to get them to go to Catch. In summation, Erin fucking suuuu-suuuu-suuuuu-suuuuuuuccccccckkkkkksssss and I’m glad all of the other women get it and we get to roll around in it like volcanic mud that, through some magical transference of sulfur, earth, and the fire that built every inch of land that we stand on, will make our skin absolutely glisten.