The Real Housewives of New York City Recap: Enjoy Your Staycation

I know that the RHONY reboot has been divisive among fans, but I have been impressed with the new class and how the season is playing out … until tonight. I’m sorry, but this episode was a snooze. I think the problem is that there isn’t real tension or affection between the women yet. Yes, they keep saying I love you like they’re the theater kids in high school humping each other against the lockers, and they’re always talking about being friends, but are they, though? I don’t know. I’m not feeling the fantasy.

Let’s start with Brynn and Jenna going out to Henrietta Hudson’s, one of only a smattering of lesbian bars in New York. (I would have gone to Andy Cohen’s favorite haunt, The Cubbyhole, instead, but I always was the teacher’s pet.) She meets Brynn there, and she asks Brynn if this is her first gay bar, and she says, “Hell no!” Brynn has big “Girl Who Says She’s a Gay Man Trapped in a Woman’s Body” energy, so you know that she has annoyed some queens over their vodka sodas before. Brynn is like, “I want to make out with a girl!” and “Love is love; I don’t care where I get it.”

Alright, I’ve been saving this up all season, and now it’s coming out like I’m a bottle of Diet Coke and someone just put a Mento in me, but the way Brynn acts toward Jenna kind of creeps me out. I think it’s a poor reflection on Brynn. It seems like the only way she has any value for herself is to be wanted sexually or romantically. Normally, in a group of women, we wouldn’t see that; she would need some other way to bond. However, because there’s a queer woman in the group, it allows Brynn to flirt with someone. Instead of shortcircuiting what seems to be her most annoying trait, it only brings it to the forefront.

Also, and I hate to use this term, but it’s queerbaiting. Brynn is flirting with Jenna with no intention of ever actually putting out. She is flirting with every woman in the bar, using them for her own attention and ego boost, and they’re getting nothing but used. I feel this way about her relations with Jenna and everyone in the bar. I really wish she would knock it off, at least in a queer space. To quote one of my favorite episodes of Sex and the City, “Sweetheart, that’s all very nice. But if you’re not going to eat pussy, you’re not a dyke.”

Just look at what happens when a cute femme named Katie comes over to join the ladies’ conversation. Brynn starts immediately cooing to her about the mole near her lip, and Brynn has her manicure in this lady’s face faster than Kristen Stewart will change out of a Chanel tuxedo and into a ribbed tank top. Let Jenna get in there! That said, Brynn was a good wingwoman for Jenna, making sure she got Katie’s number, so if Jenna wants to get some, then she can. You know Jenna is many things, but I don’t think she’s a closer, at least in the lady department.

Speaking of lady departments, Jessel and Pavit finally had their staycation at the Ritz Carlton. And by staycation, I mean sex date. They went to a Michelin-star restaurant, got a nanny, and rented a hotel room. Guys, it’s just banging. It’s not like you’re renewing your vows or anything. Also, Jessel said it took her 20 minutes to warm up. Yeah, it probably took Pavit about 3.5 pumps before he was done. This man has been waiting 18 months to nut in a warm body (sorry to be gross); all of this build-up does not suit the sure-to-be-quick climax. I mean, get Jessle’s mother to watch the kids for an hour and go get randy in a sex motel. Pull an Erin (or a late ‘90s Lance Bass) and just fuck in the closet. It’s much cheaper, easier, and more fitting to the situation.

I do love watching the two of them together, like when Jessel is trying to be sexy and ride on Pavit and nibble his ear, and he’s like, “What are you even doing to me right now?” She shows off some lingerie that Brynn helped pick out for her, and she tells him, “This is for dessert.” His immediate response is, “Can we have real dessert, too, though?” I have never related more to a straight man in my life. My husband is hot and all, but if you gave me a choice between a piece of him and a piece of key lime pie, I’m picking Florida’s favorite dessert every damn time. (Love you, babe!)

Pavit and Jessel’s relationship was the subject of dinner when Erin and Abe went out with Sai and David. Erin asks Abe what he would do if she hadn’t slept with him for almost two years. “I’d fuck other women,” he says with an honesty so crushing I don’t think his wife hears it very often. I’m with Abe on this one. I think we should put it in all marriage contracts, prenups, and religious joining ceremonies that if your partner has not touched your genitals in a sexual/romantic way in more than a year, your relationship is officially open. There doesn’t need to be a chat, there doesn’t need to be an arrangement, there doesn’t even necessarily have to be a divorce, but after 12 months, you can stay married and fuck anything (legal) that you want. Sorry, folks, thems the rules.

This leads to Abe saying that he and Erin don’t want to be swingers but will be in about ten years. I love this journey for the two of them, and they will be hits in the swinger world. I don’t know much about “the life,” but from all the swingers I’ve ever encountered, I don’t think Erin and Abe will meet anyone at the same level of attractiveness as them. We also learn that Abe asked for a threesome, but Erin only wanted one if it was her and two dudes. Abe is totally into it as long as he’s in the room, so there is nothing left to the imagination.

Then Erin says that she wanted a gay dude. Initially, I thought they wanted a dude to service them both. I was like, “Is Abe coming out as bi, and should I trim my gooch?” But no. Erin says if she’s going to have sex with a gay man, there’s no affection between them. First of all, there are definitely gay dudes who would do this. (Andy has been in the market to lose his lady virginity for a while; maybe this is his ticket.) I love how Erin thinks that she is so hot, so awesome, so irresistible that she can just pull any old dude out of Hell’s Kitchen, and he’s gonna want to give it to her. The balls on this one! Sorry, I was thinking about Abe’s balls, but also the nerve on Erin.

What else happened in this episode? Brynn and Ubah bathed together, but it was just over FaceTime. Oh, and Ubah took everyone to a “healing session” but they just laid around while a woman moved her body and whooped at all of them. In a ringing endorsement, Erin described it as, “pleasant.” I’m sure they will have that pull quote placed on their signage immediately. “Pleasant” — Erin Mew Mew Lichy. You could tell that Jenna wanted no part of being there and was a little embarrassed when she had to start flapping her arms and vocalizing. I’m sure she was thinking, “How do I get myself one of those Mary M. Cosby contracts where all I have to do is sit in a sprinter van eating McDonald’s and muttering to myself?”

Now we’ve come to the only altercation in the episode and it’s between Sai and Jessel. This is one of those instances where everyone is so wrong for such different reasons I don’t think we can have a side. At the healing event, Jessel invites Sai to lunch, and she agrees, but in her confessional, she’s immediately like, “Why do we have to go to lunch? I don’t want to go to lunch.” Doesn’t she understand the assignment? This is what we do on Housewives. We have events, you piss someone off, you go to lunch to talk about it — wash, rinse, repeat. This is the job.

Jessel picks a brunch place somewhere convenient for Sai and then shows up, get this, 41 minutes late. What in the Dorit Kemsley’s Glam Squad is this? People who are consistently late are one of my great pet peeves. And Jessel didn’t even text or call or anything. Sure, it’s New York City, everyone gets a 15-minute grace period due to traffic, the train, or busy sidewalks. (It’s a thing!) but beyond that, you have to call or text. And anything past 30 minutes late, then I am never hanging out with you again; I’m sorry. That is just massively disrespectful of someone’s time. When Jessel arrives, she makes it even worse, trying to downplay how late it is and saying, “Oh girl, it’s Friday!” and Sai is like, “Um, sister, I don’t know how you roll, but I gotta work.”

Sai’s understandably prickly when Jessel arrives, but her demeanor is colder than an Icelandic nudist colony. Jessel talks about her date night and Sai is convinced she’s lying. I mean, why would she lie about fucking her husband? Just to wrap up the storyline? This doesn’t make sense to me. Anyway, Jessel finally gets to the reason she called the lunch and says that she felt like in Anguilla that Sai thought she was comparing her story about living in New York to Sai’s story, and she didn’t mean that.

Upon hearing this, Sai says, “Jessel, to be honest with you, I really don’t care.” This isn’t in a breezy way like, “Oh, no big deal, sis. I didn’t think that at all.” No, it was more like, “I think about you so little I don’t even care about what you think or what you do concerning me.” She wants nothing to do with Jessel, a woman coming here and being open and sharing her emotions, which is all this crew harps on about, and Sai is like, “Nope! Don’t bother.” This isn’t great, but maybe it would have been better if Jessel had been on time.

Then Jessel says that Sai’s story of living with an alcoholic mother resonated with her because her uncle she lived with drank himself to death as well, and she felt horrible because she didn’t know what to do about it. Yes, Sai’s story is way worse than Jessel’s, and, yes, Jessel can’t come in saying she’s not comparing her story and then directly offer a comparison. But I think Jessel’s behavior may be a direct result of Sai’s coldness. Jessel can’t find a way to connect with Sai, who keeps her at arm’s distance over their rice bowls, so she tries relating to her like this.

Either way, Sai is not feeling it, says that their stories are totally different (which they are), and then blows out of brunch. All of this makes it sound like something crazy or dramatic happened, but it never felt that way. It was like Sai never cared, got even more defensive after Jessel’s indefensible lateness, and bailed early. It wasn’t like a conflagration, more like a fizzle, like a Roman Candle that had gotten way too damp in the basement. I hope this isn’t a sign of the franchise at large, a failure to launch.