The Real Housewives of New York City Recap: Tom, Dick, and Harry Dubin

The cruelest thing Bravo has ever done to us is to slap a “To be continued …” onto the end of this episode as if it were a very special Webster where he finds out his adoptive parents had a miscarriage. What are they going to continue into? More lifeless, boring, half-assed shenanigans at Boniva Cliffs, Ramona’s Hamptons getaway? If they continue any of the ass dragging we have had to suffer through, I want no part in it.

The only consolation: The “TBC …” was followed by words I never thought I would be so relieved to hear, “Next week, on the season finale …” Thank the Catholic Jesus for putting us out of our collective misery. Thank Leah’s adopted Yahweh and Allah and whatever soul demon Ramona worships to keep her skin looking so young and supple. But I can’t just moan and complain through the entire season. In the spirit of gratitude that I learned watching the season of Oprah where she sang her own theme song, I have decided to focus on the things I love about this episode and, by proxy, what I love about this show in general.

(Imagine the BuzzFeed font, okay?)

The 10 Things I Loved About This Episode

Ramona’s Belly: When people ask me about my favorite food, I always say dessert. There are very few desserts on earth that I won’t eat. I love cakes, pies, cookies, tarts, trifles, chocolates, mousses, and even the ungodly creation the English call “summer pudding.” There are only two desserts I hate: flan and tiramisu. I was so happy to hear that Ramona had named her belly Tiramisu because that means it is her favorite dessert, and that is one less thing I have in common with Ramona Singer, which makes me a very happy man.

Leah’s Raving Mad: When Leah has her family over for “kosher” dinner (they ate ribs; isn’t that … pork?), we find out that the reason she’s not the next Simone Biles or Elizabeth Holmes is that she spent most of her high-school years at raves in the ’90s. Can we get a prequel of this, please? It’s like Party Girl but all drugs and no libraries. Leah says she had great experiences at those parties. As someone who went to Twilo and the Tunnel in the ’90s, I can promise you it was a very good time and definitely more valuable than any Ivy League education.

Snatch Guard Needed: Usually, the opening of the show when they spotlight wacky moments with the women is a little bit of a snooze, but this episode features not only Ramona’s belly but this amazing moment with Sonja and her assistant inspecting the backyard when it’s covered in a fresh layer of New York snow. It looks like a magical garden you could sell tickets to, and Sonja decides to check on the koi, which she left out in the pond all winter long (a million question marks). While doing that, she steps over her iron railing, exposing her nether regions to her long-suffering assistant, Emma. Oh, Sonja Tremont Morgan of the Cluck You Chicken in a Pot Morgans, never change. But shame on Luann for convincing her friends from Abu Dhabi to rent Sonja’s place for four months. That’s like asking them to stay at a Holiday Inn Express.

#SaveEmma: I’m so happy that the #SaveEmma movement started after this episode. Yes, we need to free Sonja’s only paid employee. This poor woman probably has grounds for a sexual-harassment lawsuit thanks to Sonja repeatedly flashing her, and we’ve now learned that Emma lives with Sonja. Excuse me? Is she chained in the basement along with the vats of Wesson oil? And because she lives there, Emma got COVID when Sonja did. This sounds like a very unsafe work environment. Not only is it a vector for disease, but Emma lives in a house with no functioning bathrooms, as we found out in the last episode when Sonja gave a whole monologue about the sewage collecting in her various BlackBerry-choked toilets. Whatever this woman is getting paid is not enough, and we need to break into that townhouse and bring her to safety.

Jude No Longer Obscure: I love that Eboni finds her father with the help of the genealogical investigator we’ve seen on the show several times. Her father’s name is Jude, and she finally talks to him for the first time after leaving him a voice-mail. Thank God, he’s not a millennial or he never would have responded. Usually, these “lost family” story lines end up being awful. Either it’s Melissa Gorga with a half-sister who never materializes, or it’s Ashley Darby showing up on her father’s doorstep only for him to turn her away. But they’re talking, and Eboni has been welcomed into the family! So sweet. I loved everything about her this episode, especially her calling out the Judge Judy–cosplay pajama sets Ramona made everyone wear as “ugly and cheap” and the crystals Ramona made them apply as tacky. (I know this is a niche tweet, but those crystals make them all look like the X-Man Marrow.)

Free to Be Après Ski: When Luann shows up at Ramona’s, she’s wearing the most amazing ski-bunny outfit I have ever seen. There’s a sky-blue sweater with clouds and grass knitted into it, like something Princess Di would have worn, and a pair of tight pants; it’s topped off with a snow-white pom-pom hat and accessorized with a pair of furry boots that look like they were made with real, genuine Yeti skin. The worst, however, is when she wears the boots into the house and Ramona scolds her for walking on the beige carpet. Luann says, “They were in the snow, not in the dirt.” Um, do you know how gross snow is? It’s filled with sand and salt from snowplows as well as all sorts of animal droppings. I think snow is dirtier than dirt, and Luann should know that.

Party Line: It’s a classic Sonja Morgan moment when she thinks she has hung up her FaceTime with Luann only to put the phone facedown on the bed and then ramble to herself about how much shit she talks about Luann even though she loves her. What’s amazing about this is there’s no one else in the room. This is just Sonja not being able to contain her inner monologue. By the time Luann gets to Ramona’s, she is madder than a vegan in a chicken coop about Sonja saying she talks shit about her. When Luann tries to confront her at Ramona’s, Sonja immediately launches into an apology. Luann, however, needs to be heard and tells Sonja she won’t be her punching bag. But I think Luann is focusing on the wrong thing. Maybe focus on Sonja’s love for her and try to do fewer things that make her want to talk shit. Just a suggestion.

I’m Just Wild About Harry: These are not really women known for laughing at themselves, but when Luann brings out a “Pin the Lips on Harry Dubin” game for their Galentine’s Party, everyone gets into the spirit — except Sonja, who will never forgive him for talking shit about her. To cap it off, Ramona gets a call from Aviva Drescher’s ex-husband just as the game concludes. They’re totally boning, aren’t they? But I think Eboni speaks for all of us when she says, “Harry Dubin just looks raggedy to me.”

Bradley Fizzled Out: We learn that things between Sonja and that man Bradley whom Eboni’s matchmaker friend set her up with are gone for good. Sonja says she listened to him on the phone all the time and did FaceTimes with him while he watched TV and still he couldn’t be bothered to send her a casserole when she got sick. (She said chicken soup, but I’m giving her big Victoria Denise Gunvalson Jr. energy here.) I am so over this man, this can of Coors Light sipped through a straw. He subjected our Sonja to that awful date, to FaceTimes while he watched Aaron Rodgers audition for Jeopardy!, and to treating her like she isn’t worth having. I mean, this guy is a half-eaten tub of Neapolitan ice cream with all the chocolate scooped out, and our Sonja is a gift to the world. He should be begging!

Daniel, My Brother: By far, the thing I loved most about this episode was Leah’s incredibly handsome brother named Daniel. I would like to ask him to collab with me on my OnlyFans, but now that OnlyFans doesn’t allow porn, it’s just going to be the two of us shirtless giving each other Eski-homo kisses. (Those are like Eskimo kisses, but instead of rubbing our noses together, we will rub our mustaches together.) That’s all it will be. The two of us in a room with our tender caresses and longing glares filmed for posterity. And at the end of the scene, the cameraperson will turn the camera on herself, and Jill Zarin will say, “I am here to support the LGBTeens.”