Make Jersey New Again

Our dark lord Andy Cohen has been saying for months that the way the past season of Real Meatballs of Chicken Parm Farms was filmed was “unsustainable” and that we’re going to see a “reboot” with “fresh faces” when the show returns for a 15th season. The one thing we know for sure is that show is going to return, but whether it’s going to be a hard reboot of the entire cast like we just saw for RHONY or a soft reboot like the upcoming season of RHOA, which will combine a few core personalities and a bunch of new women, remains to be seen.

If I were in charge of Bravo (and thank god I’m not because Captain Jason would be the shirtless bartender on every episode of WWHL) these are the scenarios I would be considering and their respective pros and cons, plus the likelihood that they will actually happen here in the real world where I am just some asshole on the internet who thinks way too much about Housewives.

.

Team Teresa Wins

Cast: Teresa, Jen Aydin, Dolores, Jackie, and Fresh Faces to Be Named Later (FFTBNL)

Pros: The Tre huggers will tell you that there’s no show without Teresa, and recentering the show around one of the few OGs we have left both maintains a sense of franchise history and gives a spotlight to one of the most influential Housewives in history.

Cons: When someone argues that there’s no show without Teresa I always say, “Yeah, but the show is bad.” The problem with Teresa is that she also believes that it is “her show” and as a result demands blind faith from her castmates. This will continue no matter how many new women are dragged into her orbit. This scenario would also mean rewarding Jackie, who had one of the worst seasons ever on Housewives, for her turncoat behavior, as well as Teresa’s husband Luis (speaking of cons) after his comments in the finale about hoping Margaret’s son “suffers.”

Likelihood: Slim

.

Team Melissa Wins

Cast: Melissa, Margaret, Danielle, Rachel, Jenn Fessler, Dolores, and FFTBNL

Pros: This is a group that seems to have a true, fun dynamic and has shown that it can give us both the laughs and petty drama that fuel a good season; Marge’s antics (sending screenshots in real time, the funeral flower stunt) carried the season. Jenn Fessler being upgraded to full-time could also give us the opportunity to see more of her musical stylings.

Cons: It will be much harder for Melissa to be the centerpiece of this show since she’s struggled to bring interesting personal storylines. (Remember the long-lost sister that never existed?) And if Melissa is there it means Joe Gorga will be there, and many fans have soured on how involved the New Jersey husbands are in the franchise.

Likelihood: Decent

.

The End of the Gorga/Giudice Dynasty

Cast: Margaret, Danielle, Rachel, Jenn Fessler, Dolores, Jen Aydin, and FFTBNL

Pros: Everyone can feel that what’s bringing the show down is Teresa and Luis’s never-ending feud against Joe and Melissa (or the other way around based on how you see events). Unshackling the rest of the cast from that dynamic could reveal a whole different side of the women and force them to find new things to fight for. In particular, Teresa’s absence will be a boon for Jen Aydin, a good Housewife stuck with a losing side.

Cons: Every franchise is about something at its core, and Jerz has always been about family. Without a family dynamic at the center of the show it may lose its way even further.

Likelihood: I wouldn’t bet on it

.

The Youngs Win

Cast: Rachel, Danielle, and FFTBNL

Pros: Bravo has been trending toward younger Housewives lately, and the show’s two junior members don’t only have youth on their side, they also have a good friendship and seem like they’d be the most open to a new class of women. Also, Danielle’s constantly crumbling family dynamics could help the show maintain its sense of self.

Cons: They’re not the most popular duo in the cast, and it would leave us with no OGs or the sense of history on which Housewives shows often thrive. Maybe they could get Lauren Manzo, Caroline’s daughter, in the mix as a link back to the past?

Likelihood: A good chance

.

Teresa Gets a Spinoff

Cast: Teresa, a red-faced rage monster, and her dorters

Pros: Matt Rogers said right to Andy Cohen’s face that Teresa is the one stopping Jersey from being fun. What if they kept the cast the same but just got rid of her? Of course she couldn’t be fired-fired, but what about a spin-off? I don’t think she and her family are that interesting, but I would love to see a season of Crappie Lake with Teresa and Jen Aydin, where they have to go do grubby jobs in a small town. These two can be fun and silly (or at least we can laugh at how dumb Teresa is) when they don’t have adversaries. Maybe give them something else to do?

Cons: Yes, the Tre Huggers are a virtual army, but I have always contended that they are a loud and vocal minority, so there may not be enough viewers to sustain a spinoff. But, hey, if they give her a show and it fails, then Bravo is off the hook, right?

Likelihood: Please, please, please let Teresa be fired.

.

Hard Reboot

Cast: All FFTBNL

Pros: When RHONJ launched in 2009 we were in the post-Sopranos era where Jersey was associated with mafia-adjacent Italian Amercians, and it really pushed both that angle and the family aspect of the show. With the former being outdated (and a touch culturally insensitive) and the latter resulting in a decade of intractable familial squabbling, what if the show took a completely different turn? What if it became about a circle of young families that moved out of NYC during the pandemic? What if it became about coping in the suburbs? This is a chance to show us a whole other side of Jersey.

Cons: There are some real all-stars on the cast and it would be a shame to let them go. Based on how little they’ve done with the legacy cast of RHONY since the reboot, I’m not confident Bravo would properly utilize the assets they already have. However, I have total faith in the casting department to find us a coterie of undiscovered stars in the Garden State.

Likelihood: Decent

.

A Wild-Card Suggestion

Cast: Amanda Batula, Kyle Cooke, and FFTBNL

Pros: Okay, here’s my crazy suggestion: Summer House’s Jersey native Amanda Batula has been trying to get Kyle Cooke to move to the suburbs and start a family for years. They only have so many good summers left (a la Carole Radziwill) on their current show, why not craft a whole new show around the pair of them? You know Amanda keeps in touch with her high school friends who still live in Jersey, and with Kyle around we could still have an emphasis on the husbands.

Cons: Not all Housewives fans love Summer House, so it could lose a lot of viewers. While Amanda is the emotional center of Summer House, it’s Kyle who brings the pyrotechnics you need for a good reality show. Bravo would have to find some other hotheads to surround Amanda to really make it gel.

Likelihood: Not in a million years, but it would be a dream come true.