Clockwise from top left: Quantum Leap, The Winchesters, East New York, and Alaska Daily.
Photo-Illustration: Vulture; Photos Courtesy of the Networks
Believe it or not, television that’s not on Netflix or HBO or Amazon Prime does still exist! Network dramas are still chugging away over there on linear television, and even though it’s been a while since a network drama really broke through as a major cultural touchstone, millions of people watch them. Maybe you want to be one of them! Maybe you feel like it’s time for some throwback-y comfort programming with a guaranteed under-an-hour run time and the promise of brightly lit night scenes. But which one should you choose? Fear not — Vulture is here to help.
Network: Fox Premise: Like if Succession were about country music, except if the head of the family (played by Susan Sarandon) dies right away and it’s immediately clear which kid is the rightful successor (the one played by Beth Ditto, not her sister played by Anna Friel). What it will remind you of in a good way: Seeing live music, the first few episodes of Nashville and Empire, those Real Housewives scenes where you can see their closets. What it will remind you of in a bad way: Susan Sarandon’s Twitter presence, the rest of Empire and Nashville. Notable features: Sequins! How long it should run: Long enough for Beth Ditto to trade up to a better TV show. How long it will run: Maybe it lasts a full season. If it gets a season two, it’ll be for hidden contract reasons.
Alaska Daily
Photo: Darko Sikman/ABC
Network: ABC Premise: Hilary Swank plays a self-assured, high-powered newspaper reporter who is canceled(??) after she insists on running a major story with faulty sourcing. Angry at “woke wussies,” she accepts a position at a local paper in Anchorage, Alaska, to investigate the murders of Indigenous Alaskan women. What it will remind you of in a good way: Spotlight (which Alaska Daily creator Tom McCarthy also wrote and directed); an era when network dramas were willing to slowly develop a main character; Northern Exposure. What it will remind you of in a bad way: That Alaska Daily would be so much better if it were as funny and weird as Northern Exposure. Notable features: Strong casting, including TV veterans Jeff Perry and Matt Malloy. How long it should run: If Hilary Swank gets better at being the lead of this show, three seasons. How long it will run: If Hilary Swank gets to keep calling people “woke wussies,” three seasons!
So Help Me Todd
Photo: Bettina Strauss/CBS
Network: CBS Premise: Todd (Skylar Astin) is a down-on-his-luck former P.I. who takes a job working as the in-house investigator at a fancy law firm. The twist? The lawyer who hires him is his mom (Marcia Gay Harden)! What it will remind you of in a good way: That you love Marcia Gay Harden. What it will remind you of in a bad way: Very little, because So Help Me Todd will slip into and then out of your mind and will leave no more than an imagined trace of Marcia Gay Harden’s perfume. Notable features: Marcia Gay Harden wearing a big pussy bow, Marcia Gay Harden failing to work any modern technology, Marcia Gay Harden defending a client in a murder case while also using an earbud to listen in on her son committing a felony in order to confront her soon-to-be-ex-husband. How long it should run: Until it spawns a So Help Me Todd expanded universe. How long it will run: Two seasons or until Marcia Gay Harden gets bored.
The Winchesters
Photo: Matt Miller/The CW
Network: The CW Premise: It’s Supernatural, but it’s about Dean and Sam’s parents. What it will remind you of in a good way: Supernatural. What it will remind you of in a bad way: Supernatural. Notable features: Some fun young actors for the inevitable band of demon-fighting friends (Jojo Fleites, Nida Khurshid); Jensen Ackles does show up to narrate and he does drive the car. How long it should run: One season. How long it will run: Are we even sure the CW will still exist in a couple months?
Fire Country
Photo: Sergei Bachlakov/CBS
Network: CBS Premise: Bode (Max Thieriot) is an incarcerated man denied parole, but he’s given a chance to work for a prison-release firefighting program in Northern California. You’re never going to believe this, but somehow the small town he gets sent to defend? It’s his hometown. What it will remind you of in a good way: Not to date guys with a savior complex, the importance of fire safety. What it will remind you of in a bad way: Masculinity is a prison, the rapid heat death of the planet. Notable features: Lots and lots of fire. How long it should run: Plenty of reason to worry about fire stories and family stories both getting rote and repetitive, but it could last a reasonable two seasons. How long it will run: Over 5 million people watched the premiere, which is a pretty decent number in 2022, so it may only be limited by how much time we have before California becomes completely uninhabitable.
East New York
Photo: Scott McDermott/CBS
Network: CBS Premise: East New York has a rising crime problem, but Deputy Inspector Regina Haywood (Amanda Warren) is here to change the game. No more messing around with small-scale drug convictions — just real policing, real safety, someone finally cares, etc., etc., you get the idea. What it will remind you of in a good way: Richard Kind tries to buy vintage cars over the phone, so for a brief moment, East New York is basically this. What it will remind you of in a bad way: That decades of American culture have made you predisposed to enjoy cop shows and you can’t really even tell if they’re good anymore; it’s just like listening to a song you’ve been hearing since childhood. Notable features: An A-plus prime-time TV cast, including Kevin Rankin, Elizabeth Rodriguez, Ruben Santiago-Hudson, Jimmy Smits, and did I mention Richard Kind? How long it should run: Five seasons. How long it will run: It’s a cop show on CBS; the limit does not exist.
The Rookie: Feds
Photo: Scott Everett White/ABC
Network: ABC Premise: A spinoff of ABC’s The Rookie, Feds features Simone Clark (Niecy Nash) as a former guidance counselor turned brand-new FBI agent. She’s the newbie, but somehow she’s also much better than everyone else at solving all the crimes! What it will remind you of in a good way: You know I’m going to say The Rookie, right? What it will remind you of in a bad way: That you miss watching Niecy Nash on Claws. Notable features: Somehow, this particular FBI squad has been saddled with two brand-new agents. There’s Nash’s character Simone Clark, but there’s also Brendon Acres (Kevin Zegers), who’s a former actor on a vampire teen-crime soap? So every time he shows up at a crime scene, someone’s like, “Oh hey, it’s the Vampire Cop guy!” That’s sort of fun. How long it should run: One season. How long it will run: Three seasons.
Quantum Leap
Photo: Ron Batzdorff/NBC
Network: NBC Premise: A revival of the original Quantum Leap from the early ’90s, the new series is about a team of scientists who’ve returned to the quantum leap project, hoping to create a version they can actually control. Spoiler: They can’t. What it will remind you of in a good way: That it used to be possible to have episodic procedural television that wasn’t strictly about solving murders. What it will remind you of in a bad way: How great Scott Bakula and Dean Stockwell were on the original Quantum Leap and how much you wish you could have all of Dean Stockwell’s costumes from that show. Notable features: Four episodes in, Quantum Leap seems to relax into itself a tiny bit, which is a relief after its alarmingly expositional pilot. Unfortunately, its leads still have all the sexual chemistry of a pile of mulch, though. How long it should run: 13 episodes, unless they figure out how to make it four times as fun as it currently is. How long it will run: Four years from now, this will be that show you’re surprised to learn is still on the air.
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