Cruel Summer Recap: Spy Kids

Um, can we get Isabella into some kind of intensive trauma-therapy program? The fifth episode of Cruel Summer: The Revenge Porn Murder Edition has finally offered some clarity on Izzie’s pre-Chatham life, and it turns out that by July of 2000, Isabella has now been involved in two best friends’ mysterious deaths in less than two years. The second of these was Luke, of course, and the first was Lisa — Izzie’s frequently referenced European bestie to whom she has been writing unsent postcards about her new life in the Pacific Northwest and who we now know has been dead the whole time. So, either Isabella is a murderous psychopath (in which case, I still think some serious mental-health care is in order), or she’s just deeply cursed.

But for all the Anna Delvey vibes Isabella is giving, of the two of them, I think Megan has the most promising future career as a Girl Boss Scammer. Because “All I Want for Christmas” also gave us some insight into Megan’s — less dark but potentially more illegal — secret life, where she is learning how to hack into federal databases from the creepy, gun-toting recluse (also known as “Captain Cray-Cray” to Isabella) who lives near Luke’s family cabin in the woods.

It’s all very ominous and intriguing, which I appreciate, but none of these revelations bring us any closer to understanding how Luke died or how Megan and Isabella were involved. This plot is doing too much and also not enough at the same time. I know this is Cruel Summer and not Cruel Winter, but I think the pacing would all be a lot more effective if the show spent more time in the December time period and less in the Julys, since December is when all the actual plot momentum happens. I say this even though the July ’99 plot just got interesting for the first time since Isabella arrived.

In 1999, Izzie is about to celebrate the well-known American tradition of “Christmas in July” for the first time when she’s surprised by an unwelcome blast from the past sitting in the Landrys’ kitchen. His name is Trevor — brother of Lisa (R.I.P.), ex-boyfriend, and kind of a jerk, if I’m honest. Trevor can’t decide what about Isabella’s new life he finds most disturbing: that she wears mall brands now, that she’s dating Luke, or that she hasn’t told any of her new best friends that she (possibly) contributed to Lisa’s tragic drowning death during some sort of drunken European escapade. Actually, he seems most put out by the fact that after his sister died, Isabella immediately disappeared to hide out in Everytown, USA, without saying anything to him.

In her defense, Isabella tells Trevor that she can’t control where her parents decide to ship her off to and that Megan really is her new best friend. She also tries to distract him by smashing her face onto his face. It’s a noble effort, but it fails.

After Trevor leaves, July of ’99 returns to its regularly scheduled teen love-triangle programming. Isabella and Luke have sex for the first and (as far as we know) last time, because as soon as Izzie returns home, Megan confesses that she actually does have feelings for Luke, and Isabella promptly backs off. Two teens in 1999 who are obsessed with The Matrix? Who is Isabella to come between soul mates like that?

Anyway, cut to December. Megan has made Izzie a photo album filled with carefully gathered and assembled Polaroids of the two of them and their friends as a Christmas gift because, must we remind you, Megan is poor. Isabella then pulls out her Christmas gift to Megan, an obscenely expensive new monitor for her computer. So, you know, things are still a little weird between our ride-or-dies. There’s also the fact that Megan is still touchy about the Isabella-and-Luke dynamic, and also Isabella’s new habit of following Megan’s car to spy on her. This is how Izzie catches Meg delivering gifts to “Captain Cray-Cray,” which she finds sketchy and immediately reports to Luke.

I’m just going to say this: If Isabella really wants Megan’s undying loyalty, she’s going to have to stop spilling her secrets to literally everyone. For instance, if you go snooping through your best friend’s garbage and discover a positive pregnancy test, don’t tell anybody! You never know if it could be used against said best friend in a murder investigation six months later. In July of 2000, Megan and Isabella’s relationship has become downright hostile, perhaps in part because Izzie is the reason Megan’s pregnancy is now being printed in newspaper headlines. Isabella confesses she found out Megan was pregnant and at some point told this news to her lawyer, who told the press. That is simply not ride-or-die behavior, Isabella. I’m still rooting for you, but come on.

Megan, kind of understandably, in my opinion, insists to Debbie that Isabella find somewhere else to live for the time being, and Debbie reluctantly obliges. Isabella agrees to go, but not before dropping one more bombshell. “Debbie, there’s something under my bed that Megan wanted to get rid of,” Isabella tells her. “You should ask her why.”

All I know for sure is that Isabella is not to be trusted with sensitive information.

Clues to Watch

• Why, exactly, is Megan trying to hack the Feds? Is this still considered “white hat” hacking?

• How did Lisa die?

• What happened to Brent?

• I’m also going to need a lot more information about Isabella’s so-called “diplomat” parents.