Below Deck Sailing Yacht Recap: Gary’s Getting Old

Below Deck Sailing Yacht

Smashley

Season 3 Episode 14

Editor’s Rating 3 stars ***

Photo: Bravo

Well, we got the giddy Captain Glenn we so badly wanted. In the cheeky race against La Cattiva, our dear Parsifal III manages to pull ahead — despite being back by 550 meters at one point — and take first place. In a confessional, Captain Glenn admits that his mission is always to deliver an epic sailing experience. Mission accomplished, matey! And it paid off: Our guests tipped $16,400, or $1,820 per person. Not the highest figure we’ve seen this season, but nothing to scoff at. Now our chaotic crew has 27 hours ’til showtime, and they’re going to celebrate the best way they can: binge drinking!

Colin is marriage material, and all the girls agree (more on this later), but he is also the voice of reason onboard, and his actions in this charter earn him a special shoutout. At the top of the episode, he pulls Gary aside and tells him he must let Ashley know he has feelings for Scarlett. It’s the respectful thing to do, plus Colin doesn’t want Ashley to lose her shit (again). Gary listens for once and attempts to have a heart to heart with Ashley. They’re both insane people, so obviously the conversation is useless, but it ends with Ashley huffing that she doesn’t care and Scarlett and Gary can do whatever.

Ashley immediately starts venting to Daisy and Kelsie, who laugh at Gary’s suggestion that there’s chemistry between him and Scarlett — the insinuation that Gary has chemistry with anyone, as opposed to just being horny, is objectively funny. Scarlett overhears a bit of this and is pissy. She thinks she’s special! Maybe you are, but that’s not why Gary is into you, babe! He’s literally into anyone with a pulse. Daisy says it best: “I am trying to teach the women how to be a team, and of course Gary and his small dick ruin everything.”

Back to marriage-material Colin. To celebrate their night off, the cast piles in their sprinter vans to get whisked away to dinner. As usual, girls are in one, boys in another. Kelsie asks Scarlett, now that she’s finished a charter, who would she fuck, marry, kill out of the guys. Everyone says they’d marry Colin. This is the correct answer. Daisy and Kelsie say they’d fuck Marcos. This is also the correct answer. Scarlett says she’d fuck Gary. Oh, Scarlett, you’ll realize your mistake soon enough.

We don’t know what the boys talk about in their car, but we see a snippet of Marcos and Colin’s gorgeous conversation at dinner about egos, masculinity, limits, sustainability, friendship, and vulnerability. Colin is worried Marcos is overexerting himself and wants him to know he’s there for him. More of this, please!

At the other end of the table, Daisy and Scarlett get into a bit of a snafu over … Who guessed it? Say it with me now! Gary! Daisy is a little aggro, but nothing too out of the ordinary. She’s trying to warn Scarlett about Gary’s Lothario tendencies! Don’t save her, Daisy — she don’t wanna be saved. Scarlett, meanwhile, is mad that Daisy is trying to control her “love life” (LOL) and tears up. Ashley states that maybe Scarlett should focus on her job, which is rich. Daisy and Scarlett leave the table to patch things up, and it mostly works. Daisy feels bad for snapping at Scarlett, but I don’t blame her. She’s watched Gary wreak havoc for seven charters now. She just wants to be a mother hen and protect her ducklings! While the girls are away, Colin remarks to Gary that he can’t help but think Gary’s responsible for the tears. Not wrong, Colin! Also Gary really needs to start using SPF.

Is another love match on the horizon? Barnaby’s devotion to Daisy is sweet in a sad way. She’ll never love you, my friend, but that doesn’t stop him from trying. He says to her: “Never blame yourself. Blame Gary. You can’t make Scarlett and Ashley happy at the same time; remember that.” The wisdom jumped out! “What would Barnaby do?” is my new mantra. In the taxi back to the boat, Daisy gives Barnaby a sweet but chaste kiss. It definitely made his whole trip. In the other taxi, Kelsie farts and nearly annihilates Marcos and Colin. I really do love her.

The crew parties onboard, but nothing of substance happens save for the genius producer who wrote out subtitles of everyones’ slurred speech. Gary asking for a shot is translated as “Hummawannadishiba,” and Daisy’s version of reading between the lines is written as ”Loinnee.” Has a Bravo producer ever missed? No, seriously. Also of note: Scarlett rejects Gary’s advances and sleeps in her own bed.

The next morning, everyone is hungover and cleaning, blah blah, and Captain Glenn realizes there are some major obstacles ahead weather-wise. They’re going to have to clear out of the dock and anchor in calmer waters. The guests will be joining them via dinghy, and it doesn’t look like there will be much sailing for the next few days. Bummer, but they’re Canadian, so they’re polite about it. Their preference sheet, however, is not polite. They request molecular gastronomy. They also request a relay race with the crew. Why do guests subject the crew to mandatory fun? It’s so rude!

These guests clearly want the crew to be their friends and inform Ashley that they’ve already christened her “Smashley.” I mean, it does fit. She takes the nickname with stride but fumbles the bag by revealing how she fell out of her bed while shit-faced. Let’s keep it professional, Smash!

I also already feel for Marcos because, at the end of the episode, he receives bad news. His best friend’s mother passed, and he’s stuck onboard cooking. He calls his sister, but the connection is choppy, and dinner is in two hours. I just want to give him a hug. We get a preview that Captain Glenn is joining the guests for the molecular gastronomy meal, which throws off Marcos’s precise plan that he clearly doesn’t want to be dealing with anyway. I hope he remembers his conversation with Colin and knows he can rely on his teammates to help lift him up; I don’t want to see Marcos suffer.