Bachelor in Paradise Recap: Bonfire of the Vanities

Bachelor In Paradise

Week 2

Season 9 Episode 2

Editor’s Rating 2 stars **

Photo: ABC

They’re here! The “Almost Paradise” intros are here! I love these little vignettes because they give us such a perfect snapshot of each contestant’s personality. Not based on what they’re doing in the shot but by how ridiculous they’re willing to look onscreen. Jess blows glitter toward the camera — self-deprecating and referential, but she still gets to look cute. A respectable B-minus. Olivia does a turn-and-smile. It’s boring, especially considering how outspoken she is on the beach. It’s no fun if you take yourself too seriously! The MVP of the intros (so far) is Peter, who zooms around with his arms outstretched like he’s an airplane while wearing his uniform shirt over swim trunks. We’re reminded that he’s a pilot — every Peter is — but more importantly, we learn that he’s willing to look like an absolute goofus in the name of good TV. This is what we need from our reality dating-show casts!

This episode picks up immediately after Will’s conversation with Olivia, who’s still ranting (to seemingly no one but actually a producer) about how Kylee will dump Will as soon as Aven walks down those stairs. Cue Aven walking down those stairs. Jesse hands him a date card, and we’re off to the races. True to Olivia’s prophecy, Kylee immediately says, “Will who?” and jumps up to hug Aven. She starts gushing about how this is so momentous as it’s their first time meeting, and the editors do her dirty by replaying their brief side-hug in a mocking black-and-white slo-mo. Kylee once again reminds us that he’s been liking her Instagram posts and sent her a fire emoji. I would bet one million doll hairs that if you scrolled through Aven’s likes, you’d find more than a few ladies getting double-tapped in the DMs, but that’s between Aven and Mark Zuckerberg. The date card reads, “Get ready to make some waves,” which is the best wordplay we’ve ever seen on one of those things. (The competition is not stiff.) Poor Aven, though, assumes it’s a reference to the beautiful Pacific Ocean. Kylee’s thirst traps worked, and Aven asks her to go talk first. She tells him about the date with Will but spins it as “I’m a hot commodity around here,” and indicates through words and body language that she is extremely down to clown. Next, Aven pulls Olivia aside, which he was clearly told to do by a producer because the drama is just too good. Olivia says that the only official couple she knows about on the beach is Will and Kylee, which is such a blatant lie — everyone has paired off so quickly that not even Hannah Brown can stir things up (more on that later) — but she straight-up admits to us that this is a little attempt at revenge. It doesn’t work because Olivia’s rage has made her so transparent we might as well start calling her Mrs. Cellophane. Aven asks Kylee on the date, and she immediately accepts.

Kylee does talk to Will before going on a date, adhering to the unspoken rule Will broke when he went on the date with Kylee without talking to Olivia first. It’s nominally about “respect” for the other person, but it just seems to me like a way for the person going on the date to cover their ass. If the date goes poorly, they get to come back and say this was a test of the relationship that has only made them stronger. Will has no choice but to be cool here, especially since he was in the exact same position last week. Actually, he’s in a better position because he still has a rose. But it still sucks to see the person you like go on a date with someone else, and it’s hard to blame Olivia for reveling in this immediate reversal of Will’s fortune.

Aven and Kylee get a standard boat date — there are only so many things you can do around a beach resort — and the conversation starts out a little awkward. This makes a lot of sense to me. It’s always been a bit of a letdown when I’ve dated someone I was pining after for months because reality can’t possibly live up to the fantasy I built in my head. This vibe is summed up perfectly by the image of Aven absolutely mangling the cork while trying to pop a bottle of Champagne. (I say Champagne, but it’s just André. Production couldn’t even spring for a Barefoot Bubbly?) He and Kylee power through and make out on the boat before returning to the beach as close to an official couple as anyone can be on night two. Kylee’s already talking about waking up next to Aven every morning and having babies together — though, to be fair, she was talking about that before they even met.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Aaron S. describes Will as a deflated balloon. Nearly everyone else is cozying up, including Eliza and Aaron B. Eliza tells us how happy she is to not be in a love triangle again … cut to Mercedes complaining that Aaron B. made out with her last night but is ignoring her today. This conflict is resolved quickly, but the peace is short-lived. Hannah Brown comes walking down the stairs, and you’d think it was Margot Robbie by everyone’s reactions. They’re all wondering if she’s here to date as she pulls men aside two at a time to ask about where they stand with their current “connections.” Kat starts breaking out in hives, wailing that she can’t compete with Hannah. Okay, this is part of why I don’t like former leads returning to Bachelor in Paradise. The show itself acts like they’re above it! By putting themselves back in the hot-people zoo, former leads are telling us that they’re not, actually, above this. Treat them as such!

That point is moot, though. After speaking to all of the men, Hannah reveals that she’s already in a relationship and is just here to stir things up. Hannah delivers a date card that says they’ll be answering some burning questions at a bonfire that evening. Like many things on this show, I like the idea in theory, but the execution leaves a little to be desired. When the group arrives on the beach — including Kylee and Aven, who have returned from their date looking happy, which makes Will sad — Hannah is there to read some questions that are designed to poke some holes in these two-day relationships. Two problems with this setup: One, they should be doing “truth or dare,” or “never have I ever,” or another actual game that would be played around a campfire. You’d still get to ask juicy questions, and the vibe would be a little looser and more fun. Reading questions from index cards makes this feel like The View. Two, everyone is way too diplomatic! Hannah has some dirt after talking to the men, but none of them fall into the trap of answering her questions differently in front of everyone than they did one-on-one. It’s a good strategy, but it’s bad TV.

The only interesting thing that comes out of Hannah’s interrogation is the tension between Kylee and Olivia coming to a boil. Olivia is asked who she’d send home to make things easier for her, and Olivia answers that it’s Kylee. Aven adds fuel to the fire by saying if he didn’t take Kylee on the date, he would have taken Olivia, which just animates Olivia more. Kylee takes this as Olivia “crucifying” her, and I’ve finally pinpointed why I don’t like Kylee. She is the kind of pretty, popular girl who is outwardly sweet but will consider any conflict an attack against her. It’s also clear in her breakup conversation with Will that she is only thinking about how things affect her, telling him that the decision she’s making is “scary” and that he has everything he wants in a man but that there was a bigger spark with Aven. Later, she tells Aven that the conversation went really well. What she meant was it went well for her. Will is crushed! He just didn’t yell at you.

With those loose ends tied up as far as Kylee is concerned, it’s time for the rose ceremony. Three women are going home, so the ladies without a guaranteed rose are pulling out all the stops. Most of them are angling for Peter, but Mercedes sees an opening and sets her sights on Will. She tells us that she’s liked Will from day one, but didn’t want to get in the middle of the Olivia-Kylee triangle. Whether or not that’s true, it sure is convenient! Will has been so thoroughly put through the wringer in the last 48 hours that he literally weeps with relief when shown an ounce of affection. They make out a little after cuddling in a way that feels more maternal than romantic. (Will does tell her that Mercedes is also his grandma’s name. Sexy!) Kylee spots them kissing from a confessional booth upstairs and starts clapping and cheering. This is what I mean about Kylee being a secret mean girl. She has enough plausible deniability that she’s actually happy for them, but a nasty condescension is running underneath. At least Olivia’s reaction, as hostile as it is, feels genuine.

That leaves Peter with the only rose up for grabs, and he just became the prettiest girl at the dance. Greer, Brooklyn, Cat, and Olivia all try their best to entice him, but Peter pulls a curveball and says he’s interested in Sam, who’s pretty booed up with Aaron S. In the middle of Aaron and Sam confirming their commitment to each other, Peter walks over to shoot his shot. Sam asks him to wait while they finish their conversation, so Peter walks about six feet away and starts dancing. Aaron is furious (he refers to it as “breakdancing,” which makes him sound like the whitest man alive), and while it is an obnoxious thing to do, I must admit it’s pretty funny. I had forgotten that Peter had a moment in last season’s Men Tell All because the other men had an inside joke where they wrote “FP” — ”Fuck Peter” — on all of their posts about the show. If this is the kind of behavior he was displaying, I get it. And yet, I am charmed.

When he finally gets a chance to talk to Sam, he keeps saying that she’s the most mature woman there, which I guess he thinks is a compliment? I would think he was calling me old. Sam is not buying Peter’s “I’m mature, you’re mature, let’s be mature together” argument, and she soundly rejects him. This should be the end of it, but Sean takes it upon himself to tell Aaron what Peter said. No one likes a tattletale, Sean! What Aaron should have done is talk to Sam to confirm that they’re still good. What Aaron does is confront Peter, who’s currently chatting with Olivia. When Peter refuses to step away with him, Aaron says he’ll just make him look like an idiot in front of Olivia. “Make me look like an idiot?” Peter responds. Again, funny! But it totally makes sense that the guys wouldn’t like him. Aaron just keeps asking Peter if he called him immature. Technically, he didn’t; he just heavily implied it. But again, this doesn’t matter! Sam wasn’t swayed! This is toxic masculinity, plain and simple. Peter is pushing Aaron’s buttons and he can’t let it go. Peter is being obnoxious, but I’m on his side on this one. Oh God, not again!!!

It’s time to hand out roses, and only Peter’s rose is a question mark. Brayden’s goes to Kat, who hugs him even though his shirt forms a Rorschach test of sweat. I would have said I thought these two crazy kids could make it work, but the preview for next week shows things going south for them as soon as Tanner shows up. Blake and Jess, Aaron B. and Eliza, Will and Mercedes, Sean and Rachel, Aven and Kylee, and Aaron S. and Sam couple off. Olivia gets Peter’s rose, sending Greer, Cat, and Brooklyn home. I don’t see anything romantic between the two of them, but there is one thing more potent than sexual chemistry: the sheer, intoxicating power of righteous pettiness. I hope these two form an alliance that wreaks havoc on these smug, popular kids.