The Highs, Lows, and Whoas of the 2024 Olympics

Ah, Paris! The Olympic games may be over, but they will live on in our memories. We shall look back on ces Olympic Games as a time of beaucoup fun et célébration, as well as the Games when one pole vaulter’s dreams of gold came crashing down due to a particularly large … le bite. Quelle tragique! For Americans, it was a particularly successful outing — we tied with China for most gold medals (40) and handily won the most medals overall with 126 (though it might end up being 125 if the IOC continues its campaign against Jordan Chiles). Below, find a recap of the entirety of the Games, from the Opening Ceremony, featuring the stunning return of Celine Dion, to the Closing Ceremony, featuring Tom Cruise jumping from the sky. —Jason P. Frank

Day Zero | Day One | Day Two | Day Three | Day Four | Day Five | Day Six | Day Seven | Day Eight | Day Nine | Day Ten | Day 11 | Day 12 | Day 13 | Day 14 | Day 15 | Day 16

Day 16 (August 11): Closing Ceremony skydives into L.A.

The Closing Ceremony is the Labor Day Monday of the Olympic Games, a day when you feel sad that the fun is over but nevertheless committed to prolonging said fun for as long as possible. For the most part, this Paris Closing Ceremony succeeded with a complicated but nevertheless compelling raising of the Olympic rings by a bunch of white ninja mummies, an attempt to turn crowd-surfing into an Olympic sport courtesy of Thomas Mars from Phoenix, and Tom Cruise doing very Tom Cruise things.

HIGH — Johnny Weir and Tara Lipinksi, of course.
They may be winter Olympians, but the figure skaters are champions of Olympic commentary regardless of season. Once again, they brought their style, wit, and veteran insights to the Closing Ceremony broadcast, alongside Terry Gannon, an NBC announcer who knows exactly how to tee up his colleagues. I hope with all my heart that Weir never, ever stops referring to Gannon as Terrence.

LOW — Jimmy Fallon’s commentary.
Fallonn is basically the Raygun of closing ceremony broadcasters: lots of enthusiasm with a fair amount of flailing. Some of the incredible insights he offered during the broadcast: “The opening ceremony, they were all on boats.” And: “If you see yourself on a Jumbotron, you gotta party. Come on.” And: “I just love Paris. It’s just very Paris.” Also: “That’s Billie Eilish. That’s Billie Eilish right there.” And who could forget: “Snoop Dogg: I mean, who doesn’t love that guy?” He actually made me miss Kelly Clarkson. —Jen Chaney

LOW — The NBC broadcast team bombarding Katie Ledecky and Nick Mead with questions during the walk-in.
As Trap recently illustrated, it can be hard for anybody to stay present in the moment, even if that moment is a very big deal. Deepest sympathies, then, for American flag-bearers Katie Ledecky and Nick Mead, who were peppered with banal questions by Jimmy Fallon as they marched into the Stade de France, just trying to take it all in. Fallon as an intrusive thought … nothing’s more unsettling than that. —Nicholas Quah

LOW — All the commercial interruptions.
I get it. With so many eyes on the Olympics this year, this is probably the best opportunity NBC has to pay its bills. And it’s nice they continued to show the ceremony on a split screen alongside the commercials. But there were so many interruptions, especially during the first hour, that it was difficult to get into the vibe of the ceremony.

HIGH — All the athletes singing along to “We Are the Champions” exactly the way you would if you were at a sports bar and your hometown team had just won the World Series.
Elite athletes: They’re just like us when drunk!

HIGH — Sifan Hassan receiving her gold medal while wearing her hijab.
It was lovely to see all the medal-winners in the women’s-marathon event receive their flowers on such a massive stage. This was especially true for Hassan, who won gold for the Netherlands in the event and wore her hijab while receiving her medal. It was a particularly striking image after the French government instituted a hijab ban for its own athletes at this year’s Olympics. —J.C.

WHOA — Golden Voyager … ?!?!?!
Who knew the Paris Olympics had a little cinematic universe going on? The Opening Ceremony gave us Assassin’s Creed Guy and Silver Horseriding Woman, and the Closing Ceremony kicked off with an elaborate dystopian-themed performance anchored by the “Golden Voyager” (played by the French dancer-breaker-contortionist Arthur Cadre). That sure is a costume all right: Designed by Kevin Germanier, it’s some mix of Brazilian Carnival, Edward Scissorhands, Kamen Rider, and shredded Christmas decorations. Apparently, the look is intentionally supposed to evoke science fiction and video games. I’m into it. —N.Q.

WHOA — The piano that dangled in the air.
I do not, nor have I ever, purported to be an expert on how gravity works. But based on my limited knowledge, I still do not understand how Alain Roche was able to play a piano that was suspended vertically in the air while Benjamin Bernheim powerfully sang “Hymn of the Apollo.” Pianos are heavy! That shit looked scary! Also, as Johnny Weir put it, “the French are so cool.” —J.C.

WHOA — French Vampire Weekend (Phoenix) merging into Vampire Weekend.
How’s that for a symbolic handoff? Speaking of which…

LOW — Phoenix’s “Lisztomania” being 15 years old.
We were young once.

LOW — Losing swathes of the musical performances to that heavy ad load.
What’s the point of stitching together different bands and singers into a fun extended medley if you’re just going to keep cutting away for ad breaks? Sure, we got sizable chunks of Phoenix plus a smattering of Kavinsky with Angèle, Vampire Weekend, and the Cambodian rapper VannDa, but Air barely got a word in edgewise before we were slapped with Google Gemini ads.

(SORTA) LOW — The Cruise jump.
Maybe I’ve seen Mission: Impossible — Fallout too many times, but I swore Cruise was literally going to halo-jump live into the stadium. Instead, we got something his insurers must be much happier about: the death-defying 62-year old star merely rappelling from the roof down into the stadium grounds. Of course, I say “merely” in jest: That stunt is still tremendously risky for anybody to do. Onscreen, though, the moment felt a little … anticlimactic? Perhaps the camerawork didn’t sell it all that well. I’m sure that descent translated better in person. —N.Q.

HIGH — Pretaped Tom Cruise.
Watching Ethan Hunt motorcycle through Paris, ride onto a plane, then jump out of said plane so he could eventually hang the Olympic rings on the Hollywood sign was much more satisfying than seeing Cruise catapult into a Paris stadium. Just one note: If you’re going to use Cruise in an Olympics context, shouldn’t you work in beach volleyball somehow? —J.C.

WHOA — The transition into the (sorta) live Los Angeles beach show. The entire pretaped Cruise sequence was interesting enough (though my colleague Jennifer Zhan did compare the look to a pharma ad), but the near-seamless cut to the Red Hot Chili Peppers jamming on the beach was both a little jarring and pretty darn fun. That said, according to Variety, the beach performances — rounded out by Billie Eilish, Snoop Dogg, and Dr. Dre — were apparently a mix of live and pretaped sequences, so the surreality of the whole thing has a nice coherence to it. And speaking of the Red Hot Chili Peppers …

HIGH — Flea!
IT’S FLEA. IN YELLOW PANTS. DOING HIGH KICKS. —N.Q.

ALSO A HIGH — Anthony Kiedis performing in a white mesh shirt.
With that ’stache? Hell yeah. —N.Q.

Day 15 (August 10)

WHOA — Jordan Chiles might be stripped of her bronze medal after a voided appeal. 
Five days ago, American gymnast Jordan Chiles was awarded a bronze medal for her floor routine after her coach submitted an inquiry to reevaluate her score. She was then awarded an additional 0.1 point to her score, bumping her to third place. However, on Saturday, the Court of Arbitration for Sport (CAS) voided the appeal by Chiles’s coach, possibly stripping her of her bronze medal; they claim the appeal occurred after the 1-minute window allowed by the International Gymnastics Federation (FIG).

Day 14 (August 9): Breaking and zooming

HIGH — A beach volleyball spat leads to an “Imagine” sing-along.

During the women’s beach volleyball final, players from Brazil and Canada got into a verbal confrontation at the net. The referee tried to calm things down by protesting, “Ladies! Ladies!” But it was the DJ who stole the show by blasting “Imagine” by John Lennon, breaking the tension and getting the athletes to smile as the audience sang along to the lyrics calling for peace. (Per ABC, Canada’s Brandie Wilkerson later told reporters that the argument was a misunderstanding; she said she was responding to her family in the crowd, but Brazil’s Ana Patrícia thought she was taunting her.) —Jennifer Zhan

HIGH — Imane Khelif wins gold.

Like a great sports movie, Khelif came out on top. She earned Algeria a gold medal in women’s 66-kg boxing amid unnecessary noise from transphobic celebrities including a presidential candidate. You know which one. —Alejandra Gularte

HIGH — Breaking makes its Olympics debut.

This is the first Olympics to include breaking — a style of dance you may erroneously be calling breakdancing. There are two DJs! And two MCs providing live hype! They do slo-mo replays that spin around like The Matrix! People compete under names like “Logistx” and “Raygun”! There’s a huge boom box towering over the arena in La Concorde! To reaffirm this being a good time, Snoop Dogg officially opened the competition on Friday, because of course. —Anne Victoria Clark

WHOA — An American rollercoaster in the 4x100.
A rainy night on the track opened with a thrill for the Americans as anchor Sha’Carri Richardson pushed the women’s 4x100 team to a decisive win. It was a perfect reminder of how quickly things could change in a relay — the Americans were out of medal position until 200-meter champion Gabby Thomas’s pass to Richardson, who glided across the finish line to earn her own first gold. Then, minutes later, the men’s 4x100 team was another reminder, this time for the worse. A horrendous first pass from Christian Coleman to Kenny Bednarek, who appeared to start too early, got the U.S. into a hole they never could get out of, and eventually disqualified. It shouldn’t have been surprising as similar failures had plagued the men’s team since 2008, but it still hurt. —Justin Curto

Day 13 (August 8): We’re out of breath just sitting here.

HIGH ABOVE THE HURDLE — Sydney McLaughlin-Levrone makes good.
Even before the Olympics began, it felt like all eyes were on hurdle queen Sydney McLaughlin-Levrone. Perhaps the all-time-best hurdle runner, she breaks records with seeming ease. But that’s a lot of pressure, and she had to wade her way through multiple rounds of prelims and almost two weeks in Paris before she could really do what she came there to do: Run as fast as she can. Then, on August 8, 13 days into the 16-day Olympics, she finally got to do her big one. Not only did she win gold, but she broke her own world record and finished over a full second ahead of all competitors, with a time of 50.37 seconds. Sometimes the best is just the best. —J.P.F.

WHOA — The canoe-sprint gold comes down to 0.04 seconds.
It’s always a good time when Olympic gold comes down to a matter of milliseconds. Germany crossed the finish line just 0.04 seconds faster than Australia in the men’s 400-meter kayak, with a time of 1:19.80. A thrilling race made a little sadder when you remember that all four members of the Australian team will spend the rest of their lives thinking about how they could have gone 0.05 seconds faster. –J.P.F.

LOW — COVID dashes Noah Lyles’s double dreams
Before the Olympics, the idea of Noah Lyles winning gold in the 100-meter but only bronze in the 200 would’ve been laughed off. The 200-meter is Lyles’s better event, because of the way he can speed up during a sprint and max out on a final dash to the finish. But Lyles struggled to ever reach top speed in the 200-meter final and couldn’t reach his goal of a double in the two events. (It was still an exciting race: Letsile Tebogo of Botswana won Africa’s first-ever gold in the sprint.) He looked weak after the race, received medical attention, and left the track in a wheelchair. Soon after, reports emerged that Lyles raced with COVID after testing positive two days before. That news made his bronze seem both more unfortunate and more impressive. –J.C.

HIGH — Katie Ledecky and Nick Mead will be our flag bearers

At the Opening Ceremony this year, the honor went to landlubbers Coco Gauff and LeBron James, but the waterfolk are taking the flags for the closing: star swimmer Katie Ledecky and rower Nick Mead. Mead, who won gold as part of the four-boat team (the first time the U.S. has done that since 1960), will be the first rower ever to hold the flag. “I gotta get a haircut,” Mead said when he found out. –J.P.F.

WHOA — Arching for two!
Azerbaijani archer Yaylagul Ramazanova wasn’t alone when she bested China’s An Qixuan during her event. Ramazanova competed in the games while six months pregnant. “I felt my baby kick me before I shot this last arrow, and then I shot a 10,” she told Xinhua News. Who knew that archery could be a doubles sport? It’s very Katniss Everdeen, except this time it’s a real pregnancy. –Tom Smyth

Day 12 (August 7): Track and field and skateboarding and juggling

HIGH — Better late than never?
In the midst of all the Summer Olympics hubbub, nine American figure skaters were awarded gold medals for the 2022 Winter Olympic Games. Back during the Beijing Games, no medals were given out for their event after a Russian skater tested positive for a banned substance. But now, after a ruling from the Court of Arbitration for Sports, the U.S. team (which initially finished in second behind Russia), were finally given a proper medal ceremony. At least they had plenty of time to figure out where to display their gold. –T.S.

WHOA — The rare “face block” maneuver
The men’s water-polo semifinal came down to a shoot-out between the USA and Australia, with the two countries tied 10-10. The U.S. won the game when their goalie, Scott Sterling, blocked Australia’s shot with his literal face. Now, they’ll be in the finals for the first time since 2008. That’s some good face time. —J.P.F.

LOW — For everybody but these guys.
Skateboarding was added to the Olympics in 2020, making Paris the second time it’s appeared, and it has two categories: park and street. This year, Australia’s Keegan Palmer won his second gold medal in men’s park skateboarding, rendering him still the only person in the world who has won gold in the event. Meanwhile, on July 29, Japan’s Yuto Horigome won his second gold in men’s street skateboarding, making him the only man who knows what it feels like to win that event! Damn, dudes, leave something for the rest of us. —J.P.F.

HIGH — Alice Finot proposes to her boyfriend after setting a new record.
French runner Alice Finot helped make history during the European women’s 3000m steeplechase record, which marked the first time that four women broke nine minutes. And if that wasn’t enough to celebrate, she quickly ran to the stands after the event to propose to her boyfriend, triathlete Bruno Martínez Bargiela, with an Olympic pin. “I told myself that if I ran under nine minutes, knowing that nine is my lucky number and that we’ve been together for nine years, then I would propose,” she explained. –T.S.

WHOA — Quincy Hall grits his gold teeth to a matching medal
Rounding the final turn of the men’s 400-meter, the podium looked fairly set with Brit Matthew Hudson-Smith, Trinidadian Jereem Richards, and Grenadan Kirani James jockeying for the lead. Then, a glimmer of gold started closing in on the leaders. It was American Quincy Hall, gritting his gold teeth as he revved up for a maniacal final sprint to the end. In the moment, he looked pained, but once he fell across the finish line, he laid down in relief. He’d earned a medal to match those teeth. —Justin Curto

HIGH — Gabby Thomas scores her first Olympic gold.
After finishing first in the 200-meter with a time of 21.83, American track and field star Gabby Thomas finally earned her first gold medal. “You prepare for this moment and train so hard for this moment, but when it actually comes, it’s indescribable,” she said after the victory. “I never would have imagined in my wildest dreams that I would become an Olympic gold medalist, and I am one. I’m still wrapping my head around that.” She came in ahead of St. Lucia’s Julien Alfred in second and her USA teammate Brittany Brown in third. –T.S.

WHOA — The Olympics found a man who can do both.

Brazilian skateboarder Augusto Akio can win bronze in Olympic park skateboarding and juggle. The Olympics never fail to remind us that our excuses are indeed weak. — Anne Victoria Clark

LOW — Track and field comes falling down.
The men’s 5,000-meter qualifying rounds saw a four-man pileup in one heat, which led to a shoving match between Great Britain’s George Mills and France’s Hugo Hay. Later, things got even messier when a cameraman moseyed right into the middle of a race. Luckily, nothing was damaged beyond our trust in that particular crew member’s spatial awareness. —A.V.C.

Day 11 (August 6): Carlos Yulo makes double the history.

WHOA — Now that’s what I call Olympic dominance.
Some athletes fight to even earn back-to-back golds in their discipline. How about five? Cuban wrestler Mijaín López won his first gold in Greco-Roman (or classic) wrestling at Beijing in 2008 and just hasn’t stopped since. That’s 20 years of dominance in the sport, after the super-heavyweight won a fifth gold medal in Paris. López is now the first Olympian to ever win gold in the same event at five consecutive Games, not to mention the first wrestler to win five golds and the oldest wrestler to medal, at 41. And he made sure to go out a winner, leaving his shoes in the ring after his final 6-0 decision in a sign of retirement. —J.C.

LOW — An early out in women’s beach volleyball.
Okay, no, a loss in the quarterfinals isn’t really “early.” But it is by American standards, considering we’ve consistently medaled in women’s beach volleyball since 2004. That streak ends this year, with onetime gold favorites Sara Hughes and Kelly Cheng falling to a supremely dominant Swiss duo. (And what’s up with that — do they even have sand in Switzerland?) Hughes and Cheng looked shaky for a second match in a row (after their close win over Italy) as Switzerland’s Nina Brunner and Tanja Hüberli aced them into oblivion. A late rally in the second set just wasn’t enough for a comeback. Now, the newly coach-less Andy Benesh and Miles Partain are the only American hope left on the men’s side — or else the U.S. might leave empty-handed for the first time ever. —J.C.

HIGH — Simone Biles and Hoda Kotb have a sweet moment on the Today show.
In an interview with Today, Biles said she wouldn’t be where she is if it weren’t for her parents adopting her when she was 6 years old. “That’s so beautiful,” Hoda Kotb replied in a heartfelt moment, having adopted two kids herself. —T.S.

WHOA — Cole Hocker upsets.
An Olympic champion and a world champion walk into a race. Cole Hocker (who?) beats them both. The American Hocker won gold in the men’s 1,500-meter race, setting a new Olympic record. In doing so, he beat the expected favorites: the U.K.’s Josh Kerr, who nabbed silver, and Norwegian Jakob Ingebrigtsen, who didn’t medal. Why didn’t he medal? Because another American, Yared Nuguse, won bronze with his personal best time ever. That marks the first time the U.S. has had two medalists in this event in 112 years. Must be something in the water, and it’s not E. coli. —J.P.F.

HIGH, AS IN THE SPIRITS IN THE PHILIPPINES — Carlos Yulo doubles up.
Filipino gymnast Carlos Yulo made history on August 3 by becoming the first Filipino gymnast, and the second Filipino ever, to win gold when he came first on floor. Then he made more history on August 6 by becoming the first Filipino to win multiple gold medals, in gymnastics or otherwise, by winning vault. Good week for him! —J.P.F.

HIGH — USWNT advances in extra time to finals in soccer.
Football, soccer — call it what you want. All we know is that the American women are heading straight to the top. After not making the finals at either of the last two Summer Olympics, it’s a glorious day for the USWNT, made all the glorious-er by winning it in extra time. Sophia Smith, you will always be a national treasure. The gold-medal match will be on August 10, and it will feature either Brazil or Spain. Thank the gods, USWNT’s Achilles’ heel, Sweden, didn’t qualify this year. —J.P.F.

Day 10 (August 5): Gymnasts leave it all on floor

LOW — A potential muffin shortage in Olympic Village?

Did Henrik Christiansen rave about those chocolate muffins too much? In his latest TikTok, his muffin obsession seems to have taken a dire turn as he struggles to find his favorite treat among the pastries. With other Olympians trying them for themselves, per his recommendation, he might have inadvertently caused a shortage in the cafeteria. —T.S.

WHOA — A whale was seen!
Surfing’s final rounds were blessed with both a gold medal for Team USA’s Caroline Marks and the appearance of a beautiful, perfect whale. The whale leaped up briefly during the semifinals, eliciting a “woah!” from the commentators, who then scored the whale’s jump a perfect ten. The real Olympics was the nature happening around us all along. —A.V.C.

LOW — He’s Colin Jost, so they got him out of there.
Colin Jost was quietly removed from his surf-correspondent assignment in Tahiti after suffering from a series of infections, one in his foot, which he injured on the island’s notoriously sharp reef, and the other in his ear. While no official explanation was offered for his early departure, Jost had revealed he is allergic to penicillin and that all the island’s doctors were French, making the whole situation far too dangerous for a celebrity of Scarlett Johansson’s husband’s stature. Luckily, Australian weatherman and broadcaster Luke Bradnam was able to take over. —A.V.C. 

HIGH — Mondo Duplantis’s latest pole-vault record.
Six and a quarter meters high, that is. With the gold already secured, Swedish pole vaulter Mondo Duplantis stayed on the field in hopes of making even more history. First, he broke the standing Olympic record of 6.03 meters with a 6.10-meter jump. He cleared that bar easily, setting up hopes for another world record try. The 24-year-old had already set the world record eight times, including earlier this year in April. So he moved the bar another centimeter higher but just missed his first two tries, catching his hand on the bar. After a break, he went for one more try, got the crowd clapping again, and glided over, literally raising the bar in men’s pole vault yet again. Cue “Dancing Queen” on the Stade de France speakers. —J.C.

LOW — The Seine is still not beating the poo-filled allegations.
Belgium had to withdraw from the mixed triathlon Monday when triathlete Claire Michel became ill. It was separately reported that she’d been hospitalized on Sunday for an E. coli infection. Because she was one of the athletes swimming in the Seine on Wednesday, some are wondering if maybe swimming in the Seine is a bad idea. Regardless, the triathletes were back in the water Monday with Germany just barely beating the USA and Great Britain in the mixed relay. Thoughts and prayers to them all! —A.V.C.

HIGH — Podium shine theory.
This is definitely the Olympics that happened in the age of the Femininominon, with women making history left and right. Despite this being the most competitive stage in the world, the sports-girl-ship is off the charts. Whether it’s Simone Biles and Jordan Chiles hyping up Rebeca Andrade’s gold medal win, or Katie Ledecky inviting Paige Madden to stand with her on the top spot, the women are celebrating one another and it is touching to behold. —A.V.C.

LOW — The balance beam beats Biles.
The balance beam is a fickle mistress, and during beam finals, Simone Biles was reminded of that fact. She fell off, which is kind of the big no-no on that event, while her biggest rival, Brazil’s Rebeca Andrade, got a low execution score, putting her in fourth. The usual suspects having an off day left space for two Italian gymnasts, Alice D’Amato and Manila Esposito, to claim gold and bronze, respectively, while China’s Zhao Yaqin got silver. We’re more than happy for those medaling gymnasts, particularly D’Amato, who had the unenviable luck of placing fourth in the all-around, but seeing everybody perform at their best always makes the Olympics more fun. —J.P.F.

WHOA — Jordan Chiles medals on floor after inquiry.
Just a few hours after the beam finals came the floor finals, and for fans of Jordan Chiles, it was a big day. She only missed out on the all-around finals because there’s a two-athlete-per-country cap, so floor was Chiles’s only shot at a medal. She ended up being scheduled last, and her score was announced as a 13.666, putting her in fourth place, with Ana Bărbosu set for bronze with her 13.7. But then, Chiles’s coaches submitted an inquiry, forcing the judges to reevaluate her difficulty score. They determined that she didn’t get full credit for her tour jeté, which bumped her up a tenth of a point and put Chiles into third with a 13.766. —J.P.F.

HIGH — An all-Black gymnastics podium.
Alongside Chiles with bronze were Andrade and Biles, who earned gold and silver, respectively. It was a fabulous moment made all the better by being the first-ever women’s gymnastics podium with three Black athletes in Olympic history. For those who remember Gabby Douglas being the first Black women’s all-around medalist just 12 years ago at the 2012 London Olympics, that podium was a moment of sheer glory. —J.P.F.

Day 9 (August 4): Lyles’s casual stroll

WHOA — A photo finish for showboating sprinter.
It took longer to decide the winner of the men’s 100-meter dash than it did for the men to run it. In the moment, it looked like Jamaican Kishane Thompson won — NBC’s broadcasters even called it. But 30 seconds later, after the photo finish was official, American phenom Noah Lyles saw his name on top, stretched his arms, and ripped off his bib to show off. Despite being nearly last off the blocks, the 27-year-old lived up to his reputation as a finisher and became America’s first fastest man in the world in 20 years. (And we all learned that the win comes down to when a runner’s torso — specifically, their clavicle — crosses the finish line.) Watching Lyles, one of the hypest athletes on the track, learn about his placement and proceed to prance around the arena and celebrate was nearly as exciting as the race itself. And we might get treated to another historic Lyles performance later this week, when he attempts to double up with his signature event, the 200-meter. —Justin Curto

LOW — The Vatican doesn’t get charisma, uniqueness, nerve, and talent.
After the Opening Ceremony’s drag-filled visual reference to the And Just Like That … season 2 cast photo Last Supper, backlash from the Candace Cameron Bures of the world soon followed. Now, the Vatican is chiming in to critique drag like they’re a regular Michelle Visage. “The Holy See was saddened by certain scenes at the opening ceremony of the Paris Olympic Games and cannot but join the voices raised in recent days to deplore the offense done to many Christians and believers of other religions,” the Vatican’s statement read. “At a prestigious event where the whole world comes together to share common values, there should be no allusions ridiculing the religious convictions of many people. The freedom of expression, which is clearly not called into question here, is limited by respect for others.” In an out-of-character move, the Vatican didn’t use an Italian gay slur in the statement. —T.S.

HIGH — Olympic golf finally had its moment.
This was only the third summer of Olympic golf in recent memory, after the sport’s hundred-year break. And it may go down as the year golf proved it really does belong at the Olympics. After three rounds of play, Sunday looked to be a battle for gold between American Xander Schauffele (who won in Tokyo) and Spaniard Jon Rahm, who’d both been near the top of the leaderboard all week. Maybe Brit Tommy Fleetwood would be in the mix too, but it wasn’t shaping up to be the most exciting Sunday of golf. Leave it to world No. 1 Scottie Scheffler to provide the shake-up we needed. Coming in four back and tied for sixth, Scheffler shot a course-record 62, including six birdies on the back nine. As the usually composed American got emotional on the podium, it felt like we’d witnessed the first capital-M Moment of modern Olympic golf. —J.C.

HIGH — The track team’s manicures.
Between Team USA’s Sha’Carri Richardson and Noah Lyles, the secret to sprinting might just be a perfect manicure. Despite the usual hate after rocking painted nails for the Opening Ceremony, Lyles won his event this weekend with a fresh set of nail art, featuring red, white, and blue stars, crosses, and lightning bolts. —T.S.

Day Eight (August 3): Ow!

HIGH — Snoop Horse has entered the building.
Snoop Dogg is dressaged up. After he reunited with Martha Stewart yesterday, the two saddled up in equestrian gear at the Palace of Versailles on Saturday. Snoop even posed with one of the horses on Instagram, getting over his fear (at least for the ’gram). Maybe that’s why they’ve got the long face. —A.G.

WHOA — A bulge breaking the internet.
French pole vaulter Anthony Ammirati may have lost the medal, but he seems to have won the gold medal of life. He missed his target height because his bulge hit the bar and knocked him out of the competition. While he hasn’t made a comment about his big impact, his Instagram comments surely remind him that he’s gifted in other ways. —A.G.

Day Seven (August 2): Golden girl

HIGH — Sha’Carri Richardson kills it in her Olympic debut.
Somehow Richardson was able to make running 100 meters in 10.94 seconds look like easy work. The sprinter flew by the competition to win the opening-round heat of the women’s 100-meter, marking her Olympic debut, and, of course, she was sporting her iconic signature manicure. Next up is Saturday’s semifinals, followed by the final round, in which she’ll compete for gold. —T.S.

WHOA — Michael Phelps’s watching Léon Marchand break his record.
As French swimmer Léon Marchand continues to draw comparisons to Michael Phelps (who he shares a coach with), Phelps himself was in the crowd as Marchard broke his own Olympic record in the men’s 200-meter IM — and luckily the camera caught exactly what his reaction to the win was.

HIGH ;) — Snoop Dogg and Martha Stewart are together again.
Hit the road, Billie Jean King! Martha Stewart has arrived in Paris and is taking back her BFF, Snoop Dogg. The pair are reuniting to provide commentary for the Olympic dressage competition, which involves horses and is NOT, as I had originally thought, a fashion show. While Stewart is a pro when it comes to the sport, Snoop admitted to Today, “I’m still scared of horses.” —T.S.

Day Six (August 1): Women!

LOW — Now why is Eric Adams in it?

New York City mayor Eric Adams has yet to find a geographic location he hasn’t been compelled to compare to New York. And now he’s back on his grind, calling New York “the Olympic Village of the world” on Twitter, lighting up City Hall in red, white, and blue to celebrate Lauren Scruggs’s victory. But isn’t Olympic Village the Olympic Village of the world? —T.S.

HIGH (LITERALLY) — Seth Rogen.
Seth Rogen was spotted watching the women’s all-around gymnastics final, and it was a delight for us, for the announcers, and clearly for him. He looks so … relaxed! Truly, this is a man who knows how to experience the Olympics in Paris! —Anne Victoria Clark

EXTREME LOW — The worst people online involve themselves.
The bout between Algeria’s Imane Khelif and Italy’s Angela Carini ended after only 46 seconds, when Carini quit the match complaining of pain in her nose. This led to a wave of people who have nothing more to offer the world, including Logan Paul, J.K. Rowling, and Elon Musk, excitedly sharing their crappy little thoughts. Khelif, you see, was accused by the International Boxing Association of being a secret man, based on a test they claim she failed. Khelif has always lived and competed as a woman, she’s broken no rule, and she has met all the criteria to compete as a woman in the Olympics twice. At the time it was reported she had high levels of testosterone, but that story changed when the current IBA president told Russian news agency Tass that a DNA test had shown Khelif had XY chromosomes. However, a statement from July 31 on the IBA’s website says the specifics of whatever test it was “remain confidential.” If you’re thinking, Wow, sounds like a real reputable organization they’ve got there, the IBA (formerly the AIBA) is no longer recognized by the Olympics because its president was on a watchlist for allegedly being involved with organized crime. —A.V.C.

HIGH — How everybody should feel after watching the women’s gymnastics all-around finals.
The television event of the season isn’t the House of the Dragon finale. It was the AA finals, which were perfectly paced and ordered for maximum drama. Simone Biles losing the lead after the second rotation was shocking, even if we know that uneven bars aren’t her strongest suit. Brazil’s Rebeca Andrade has been waiting in the wings since her silver medal in AA in Tokyo to get a chance at gold, and, after Biles’s UB performance, she took the lead. Then there was the race for bronze, which came down to a battle between three gymnasts, each of whom represented a different country: The U.S.’s Suni Lee, Algeria’s Kaylia Nemour, and Italy’s Alice D’Amato. Finally, it culminated at floor, with the final three performances going to Lee, Andrade, and Biles. Gripping! Lee went first, needing to give the best floor performance of her lifetime to fight for a bronze medal. And she did. Then Andrade and Biles battled it out, with Biles turning out a remarkable routine that put her ahead by a full point. There was drama. There were gasps. And, most of all, there was a happy ending for two of the USA’s greatest: Lee, who fought her way back from a debilitating kidney issue, and Biles, who had to withdraw in Tokyo because of her mental health. —J.P.F.

HIGH AS IN AGES, COMPARATIVELY— The gymnasts who made it to the podium.
AND ANOTHER THING! The all-around podium was filled with women rather than girls. For a long time, the stereotype has been that gymnastics is a teenager’s sport, but all three women who medaled at the Paris Olympics have previously won all-around medals — the first time that’s ever happened. Turns out it’s worth training gymnasts for longevity. —J.P.F.

WHOA — Rose says “Good luck!”
Ninety-four-year-old Rose Voisk, a Slovenian former gymnast who competed at the Olympics in 1948 (!), has a message for Simone Biles and Suni Lee: “I admire you! You are surreal!” —A.V.C.

Day Five (July 31): The FAFO 5 really earn their name

LOW — MyKayla Skinner blocking Simone Biles.

The drama between Simone Biles and her former Olympic teammate MyKayla Skinner continues to rage on. After Skinner criticized the team’s work ethic ahead of the Games, Biles returned fire after their victory, captioning her Instagram post: “Lack of talent, lazy, olympic champions.” Now, Biles revealed in a tweet that Skinner has blocked her. On a related note, why isn’t Stick It available to stream anywhere? —T.S.

WHOA — Katie Ledecky, generally.
Katie Ledecky doesn’t feel real. To say she earned gold in the 1,500-meter freestyle is somehow an understatement. She not only won gold, but she was so far ahead of the other swimmers that she basically had time to finish the race, pause, smoke a cig, watch an episode of Netflix’s Simone Biles Rising, then celebrate. She beat the next-best swimmer, France’s Anastasiya Kirpichnikova, by ten seconds, clocking in at 15:30.02 and setting a new Olympic record. Ledecky, for the record, hasn’t lost this race since U.S. women’s gymnastics team member Hezly Rivera was 2 years old. —J.P.F.

LOW — The men’s triathlon finish line.
Do not, I repeat, do not look up video of the men’s triathlon finish line. That is, unless you want to see harrowing footage of grown men shaking, throwing up, falling down, making peace with whatever God they have. In that case, you should look up video of the finish line of the men’s triathlon. It’s entirely possible that swimming in the Seine is bad for your health. It’s also entirely possible that doing triathlons is pretty bad for your health. Jury’s out, but it just doesn’t look great! —A.V.C.

HIGH — Olympic Village’s chocolate muffins.

A benefit of holding the Olympics in Paris, as it turns out, is the pastries. Because Norwegian swimmer Henrik Christiansen has been absolutely raving about the Olympic Village’s chocolate muffins on TikTok. Several TikToks, actually. He makes such a strong case for these muffins, in fact, that I don’t think it would be unreasonable to add them into the medal hierarchy. Maybe right between silver and gold? —T.S.

HIGH IN THE CONTEXT OF A PREVIOUS LOW — U.S. women’s water polo makes a comeback.
The U.S. women’s water-polo team beat Italy 10-3 in their match, guaranteeing their advance to the quarterfinals. That trouncing especially feels good in the context of their 13-11 loss to Spain earlier in the Games, itself a rematch of the Tokyo finals the U.S. won. Flavor Flav can be proud. —J.P.F.

WHOA — This Turkish guy’s raw skill.
Yusuf Dikec is a man with a very particular set of skills. Skills that won him a silver medal for Turkey in the air-pistol mixed-team competition, without any of the cool gear we saw South Korean sharpshooter silver-medalist Kim Yeji using. This has made people both afraid and concerned about how he spends his free time, but rest assured it’s not that unusual for an Olympic shooter to forgo some equipment (also, he was actually wearing earplugs). —A.V.C.

(SUGAR) HIGH — The USA Basketball candy guy.
If you are an athlete at the Olympics, you can have as much candy as you want. There is even a guy who brings it to you! He has other jobs too, but alas, he was seen carrying a bunch of candy for the USA Basketball team one time, so now he’s no longer Ellis Dawson, assistant director, national team operations for USA Basketball; he is simply the “candy guy.” There are worse nicknames, I guess! —A.V.C.

LOW — Nadal goes out without a bang.
Rafa had a rough go of it at the 2024 Olympic Games. Djokovic crushed him with ease in singles, then Nadal-Alcaraz (his doubles team-up with fellow Spaniard Carlos Alcaraz) lost handily to the U.S.’s Rajeev Ram and Austin Krajicek. At this point, the guy is 38 years old, and while it would have been nice to end his Olympic career on a high note, we’ll always have his 20 previous Grand Slam titles. —J.P.F.

HIGH — Cheesy gymnast.

Italian gymnast Giorgia Villa was once sponsored by cheese, so she said “Cheese!” next to these huge wheels of cheese. Well, actually, she’s Italian, so she probably didn’t say “Cheese!” — she’d say, “Parmigiano Reggiano,” because that’s the kind of cheese it specifically is. —A.V.C.

Day Four (July 30): Yeah, I watch rugby. Oh, men’s rugby?

WHOA — Alex Sedrick runs 90 yards to give USA Rugby its first medal in a century.

Here’s a sports story every football-loving American can appreciate. Australia (the 2016 gold medalists) scores a tie-breaking try (or “touchdown” in American football terms) with only one minute and 25 seconds left in their bronze-medal match against Team USA. But! They miss the conversion (the extra-point field goal for football fans). Still, Australia is riding high, with USA’s star player, Ilona Maher, getting tackled to the ground right next to the USA goal line. Then, suddenly, Team USA’s Alex “Spiff” Sedrick gets the ball with exactly eight seconds left on the clock. She blasts through three Australian defenders, runs almost the entire length of the field, scoring a try (AND nails a conversion kick she’d missed twice in pre-game practice) for Team USA. With that, Team USA wins their first women’s rugby medal ever. And the first medal for American rugby overall since the men last won gold a cool 100 years ago in 1924. Everyone was sobbing! I am still sobbing! —A.V.C.

HIGH … LOW … HIGH … LOW — The camera operator capturing trampoline gymnastics.

There’s something so soothing about watching the camera operator methodically tilt the lens up, then down, then up, then down, over and over again, to film the Olympic gymnasts on the trampolines. It’s like vertical tennis! —T.S.

HIGH — Ireland’s national anthem makes everyone cry.
Daniel Wiffen won Ireland its first-ever medal in men’s swimming, and it just so happened to be a gold one. This means the Irish national anthem got a rare bit of airtime during the medal ceremony, bringing the RTÉ announcers and Wiffen himself to tears. (Fun fact: At age 11, Wiffen was an extra in the Red Wedding on Game of Thrones! What a life!) —A.V.C.

HIGH — The victory selfie.
This is the first year the Olympics allowed athletes to take phone selfies from the podium (as long as they use the phones provided by Olympic sponsor Samsung, as personal phones are not allowed on the field of play). It’s called a “victory selfie,” and it’s already led to one particularly sweet image: Athletes from China, North Korea, and South Korea posing together on the table-tennis podium. There’s even a nice little video of them figuring out their pose. Folks, this is what it’s all about. —A.V.C.

Day Three (July 29): Pommel-Horse Guy Stephen Nedoroscik, Jonathan Owens’s Simone Merch, and Tennis Drama

HIGH — “Pommel-Horse Guy” Stephen Nedoroscik finishes the job.
Sometimes, somebody shows up and is such a clear and obvious star that their name becomes instantly emblazoned into the culture. This is the case with “Pommel Horse Guy.” Worcester’s Stephen Nedoroscik is a member of the USA men’s gymnastics team with a very specific job: Be so good at pommel horse that it elevates the entire team. The gymnast does not participate in any other events, but he still helped his team secure the bronze medal at the Paris Olympics, marking the first time the Team USA has medaled in men’s gymnastics since 2008. And, in the process, Nedoroscik became a star. —J.P.F.

HIGH, ABOVE THE WAVE — Gabriel Medina gets the photo of a lifetime

Brazilian surfer Gabriel Medina had a pretty good day. First, he secured the highest-ever Olympic score on a single wave — earning a 9.90 in the fifth heat. Then, he celebrated by riding up into the air and getting photographed for what will likely go down as the most iconic single photo of this year’s Games, which was captured by photographer Jerome Brouillet. —J.P.F.

LOW, COMPARED TO THE REST OF HIS DAY — Ryan Murphy wins bronze.
The United States swimmer Ryan Murphy is currently attempting to do something unprecedented by winning medals in both the 100- and 200-meter backstrokes for three Olympics in a row. So you’d think that by clinching the bronze in 100-meter he’d be pretty excited. But then his wife held up a sign reading “Ryan, it’s a girl,” and suddenly the Olympic medal was a minor moment in the day. He already has six Olympic medals, after all. This will be his first daughter! —J.P.F.

HIGH, PUN INTENDED — Snoop Dogg and Billie Jean King watching tennis together.

If there’s one thing that Snoop Dogg loves, it’s an unexpected friendship with an iconic female octogenarian. Since Martha Stewart wasn’t in Paris, he took in the Nadal vs. Djokovic match alongside none other than Billie Jean King. But the pairing isn’t as unlikely as it might seem — both are Long Beach icons and Long Beach Polytechnic High School alumni. — T.S.

HIGH (LIKE HIS PONYTAIL) — Michael Phelps watching fellow GOAT Simone Biles.
Amid the star-studded crowd watching Biles compete was another Olympic champion, Michael Phelps — whose hair was styled in a sleek topknot … perhaps to distract the competition. The games are still in their early days, so there’s time for him to eventually relax and let his hair down. Maybe he’ll sport a braid next? —T.S.

HIGH — Jonathan Owens definitely knows who Simone Biles is now.
Remember last year when Simone Biles’s husband, Jonathan Owens, pretended said he didn’t know who she was when they started dating? Well, if the NFL player wasn’t a fan then, he’s definitely one now, negotiating time off from his mandatory preseason practices with the Chicago Bears to see Biles compete in Paris. He even donned a Simone Biles T-shirt. He’s come a long way since saying “I never once was like, ‘Oh, let me check gymnastics out.’” —T.S.

LOW — Coco Gauff is out of the women’s singles competition after a controversial call.
After losing 7-6, 6-2 to Croatia’s Donna Vekic, Coco Gauff is out of the women’s singles competition following a contested call from an umpire. During the second set, a line judge called a ball as out, resulting in Gauff not keeping it in play. When a chair umpire then ruled that it had actually been in, the point went to Vekic, with Gauff arguing that the timing of the original call impacted her return. “It isn’t fair. It always happens to me on this court. I have to advocate for myself every time,” Gauff told the official. Luckily, she still has the chance to take home medals for doubles and mixed doubles later in the games. —T.S.

Day Two (July 28): Biking, B-Ball, and Butterfly

HIGH PHYSICALLY, IN THE AIR — Simone “the Goat” Biles.
Simone Biles is looking good. The United States women’s team finished the semifinals comfortably in first place, over Italy in second. After a Tokyo that did not go as planned, Biles qualified for finals in all-around, floor, vault, and beam. But she also sported a bandage around her calf due to an injury confirmed by her coach. We’ll be keeping an eye on that developing situation. — J.P.F.

LOW — The amount of shots Kevin Durant misses.
You young whippersnappers can dribble all you want, but Kevin Durant stays on his game. Due to an injury, the Slim Reaper hasn’t played since the Suns went out first round in the play-offs last year, so all eyes were on him when he stepped onto the court. Then, he went eight-of-nine in the first half against Team Serbia, and all eyes were on him for a different reason. Ultimately, Team USA won the game 110-84. KD is still KD. —J.P.F.

HIGH — Coco Gauff grand slams another record.
What better way to kick off the Olympics than with a record-setting victory? After winning her first game in the singles event against Australia’s Ajla Tomljanović, twenty-year-old Coco Gauff became the youngest American to win an Olympics single game — beating the record previously set by Venus Williams in 2000. —T.S.

WHOA — These teens can shred.
Over in women’s skateboarding, three teenagers managed to secure all of the medaling spots: Brazil’s Rayssa Leal (16) won bronze, Japan’s Liz Akama (15) won silver, and the 14-year-old Japanese skater Yoshizawa Coco snagged gold. If you need to qualm your feelings of jealous over someone being so young and so cool and so good at skateboarding, Dìdi is in theaters now. —J.P.F.

HIGH — Huske and Walsh’s race goes swimmingly.
The United States scored both gold and silver in the 100-meter butterfly, with Torri Huske and Gretchen Walsh taking the two top spots. The race was, in a word: Thrilling. Huske beat Walsh for gold by quite literally four one-hundredths of a second, which is wild on its own. But there’s also story here: Huske barely didn’t podium four years ago in Tokyo, coming in fourth in this event by 1/100th of a second. This time, she made it count. — J.P.F.

WHOA — NBC strapped a heart monitor on Hezly Rivera’s dad during her event.
Perhaps the only thing more nerve-racking than competing in the Olympics is watching your kid compete in the Olympics. NBC put that idea to the test during Hezly Rivera’s final routine of qualifiers, by having her dad Henry wear a heart monitor during his daughter’s uneven bars routine. He was already at 164 bpm as she was about to begin, and his peak was a staggering 181 bmp — all while spectating. For context, the average resting heart rate typically falls between 60 and 100 bpm. —T.S.

HIGH — Pedal to the metal.
Mountain biker Haley Batten managed to snag the United States’s first medal in women’s mountain biking since 2012, and their third since the sport debuted at the 1996 Olympics, winning silver. And she managed to do it despite a broken wheel during the race, finishing three minutes behind the first-placer, France’s Pauline Ferrand-Prévot. —J.P.F.

WHOA — It’s the Olympics.
Carrie: Louise is in Paris.

And Just Like That … hasn’t yet been able to reunite Carrie Bradshaw with her former assistant Louise (played by Jennifer Hudson in the first Sex and the City film), but the Olympics were able to pull it off. Hudson shared a photo with Sarah Jessica Parker in front of another SATC icon — the Eiffel Tower. Thankfully, the hideous Louis Vuitton bag was nowhere in sight. — T.S.

Day One (July 27): Diving, drones, and Flavor Flav

HIGH — America’s first medal going to an appropriately named duo.
Let them cook. The first Olympians to bring home the bacon for Team U.S.A. at Paris 2024 are Kassidy Cook and Sarah Bacon. They won silver in the women’s synchronized three-meter springboard event. And yes, someone was dressed up as a giant piece of bacon in their cheering section. Did anyone else just hear a bald eagle screech? —J.Z.

LOW — BBC commentator fired for sexist remark.
Following the Australian women’s 4x100m freestyle relay team’s victory, Eurosport commentator Bob Ballard reportedly remarked “You know what women are like … hanging around, doing their makeup,” as the team made their way off the pool deck. Eurosport has removed Ballard from their commentary line up, and he has since (sort of) apologized for the statement on Twitter, writing in part “It was never my intention to upset or belittle anyone.” The biggest L of the games thus far. —Tom Smyth

WHOA — Come on and slam.
While playing against Brazil in his Olympic debut, French basketball player Victor Wembanyama extended his cartoonishly long arm to make an unlikely dunk. When commentator Dwyane Wade was asked if he’d ever seen anything like that, he responded, “Yes, on Space Jam.” —J.Z.

HIGH — Flavor Flav being the best hype man.
Red Lobster isn’t the only thing he rides for. Rapper Flavor Flav is also passionate about the U.S. women’s water polo team, and is actually financially sponsoring their Olympics journey. He was spotted poolside in a water polo cap and matching waterproof clock necklace … decked out in more red, white, and blue than even First Lady and fellow spectator Jill Biden. —J.Z.

LOW — Brody Malone’s devastating Paris.
Brody Malone is, at this point, well-established as the best that the United States to offer in men’s gymnastic, but you wouldn’t know it from Paris. Malone put up an uncharacteristically poor showing amid an injury, falling a total of three times, and ultimately failing to qualify for the individual all-around finals. —J.P.F.

WHOA — A spy scandal.
ESPN has reported that FIFA is docking six points from the Canadian women’s soccer team in the Olympics after members of their coaching staff allegedly used a drone to spy on a competitor’s closed practice last week. The points deduction could make a big difference for a team hoping to defend the gold medal they got in Tokyo. Canadian officials are reportedly exploring options to appeal, suggesting that the players themselves were not involved. Coach Bev Priestman has been banned from coaching for one year. —J.Z.

LOW — This lame Google AI commercial.
Is nothing sacred? Google released this painfully dumb commercial about a dad whose little girl is inspired by Olympian Sydney McLaughlin-Levrone, but apparently not inspired enough to write a fan letter herself — because the ad proposes he use a Google AI chatbot to write it for her. Any Olympian who receives fan mail poorly written by AI should set it ablaze with the torch. —T.S.

Day Zero (July 26): Opening Ceremony crosses in style

HIGH — “The Individual.”
TikTok is always warning me not to venture into the Paris catacombs without a guide, but the beginning of the Opening Ceremony sent precocious children to run down there unattended. These Stranger Things enfants end up running into a Phantom of the Opera–esque figure beneath the Paris streets, who rows them (and then turns on the boat’s motor to go faster) all the way down the Seine to help them get the torch to the bigger torch they have to light to start the games. Eventually, though, the phantom (whom the announcers kept referring to as “the individual”) ditched the kids to parkour the torch all over Paris. So don’t go down there if you’ve got a torch you need to hang on to! —A.V.C.

LOW THAT BECAME A HIGH IN CONTEXT OF THE LARGER DANCE PIECE — The totally unrehearsed cancan. 
What at first seemed like a very rickety version of the cancan suddenly gained new context as the show continued into a grand citywide interpretive dance celebrating the re-construction of the Notre-Dame cathedral. It seems like the cheesy costumes and clumsy choreo were intentionally designed to mock audience expectations of French culture, because there is nothing quite as French as a vicious taunting. —A.V.C.

HIGH — The other “no rehearsal” performance.

Don’t tell Lady Gaga the words “Paris, France” and not expect a salute to the very idea of being French. The pop star performed a number alongside a bunch of twinks carrying big pink poofs, because that’s just how she rolls. Remember, this is a woman who has a movie coming out later this year with the subtitle Folie à Deux. The commenters noted that she had little rehearsal time, but remember that she is a theater kid: The harder the situation, the harder she tries. Oui, Gaga! —J.P.F.

WHOA — All those boats.
Instead of making the athletes walk around a stadium for the Parade of Nations, the athletes crammed onto boats of various sizes to cruise down the Seine in the pouring rain. Had it not been raining, this might’ve been a high, but this bold choice ended up making it all the more difficult to see the athletes’ outfits! Still, it was a fun change of pace, and some of the boats were really pretty. —A.V.C.

HIGH — Severed heads and blood streamers, of course. 

What better way to remind the world that you’re the country that started the trend of beheading your own monarchs than with a heavy-metal version of the revolutionary anthem “Ah! Ça Ira,” performed by metal band Gojira and opera singer Marina Viotti? Did we mention they performed in front of a bunch of beheaded women, holding their own severed heads? Did we mention there was an explosion of red streamers, clearly symbolizing blood, that shot up at the end? Oh, also, this entire performance was done outside the Conciergerie, a castle and former prison where Marie Antoinette was actually held before her execution. History — it’s so metal! —A.V.C.

LOW — The weather forecast.
Paris predictably brought the drama, in this case by having drenching rain during the ceremony that made everyone so, so wet. It’s really hard to overstate how wet everyone was, and the NBC cameras simply were not ready for the wetness. Many, many shots were obscured by big fat raindrops covering the camera lenses. And as if the sky wasn’t moistening the proceedings enough, the Seine itself was at various points shooting water into the air via fountains, which added to the sense that we were trying to peer at the athletes through a maelstrom. —A.V.C.

WHOA — Don’t tell anyone, but there’s a threesome happening in the library.
The French are famously the horniest people in the entire world, and it was clearly important to them that, in the face of the American sports throuple in Challengers, they keep up by showing off an MMF sports threesome of their own. They more than managed, sneaking a hot moment of trio sensuality into the opening ceremony. —J.P.F.

HIGH — Thinking you know all the words to the French national anthem. 
One thing to know about France is that, as far as national anthems go, it has one of the best. “La Marseillaise” is a rousing, catchy tune about spilling the blood of your enemies on a battlefield and putting “invented kings” in chains, and the opening ceremony featured an operatic performance of it by Axelle Saint-Cirel from atop the Grand Palais des Champs-Élysées dressed like Marianne herself. This almost called me to arms, and I hate arms! —A.V.C.

HIGH — A walking piece of art.
Pop icon Aya Nakamura, dressed like an actual work of art, performed a mash-up with the Republican Guard on the Pont des Arts. This is the one and only time the proceedings merited a truly enthusiastic: Ooh la la! —A.V.C.

LOW — Sororité, sweetie.
France decided to atone for not having very many statues of famous French women by having some statues of famous French women rise up from the Seine, as the announcers explained these statues will apparently be “offered” to the city. No word on whether the city will take them up on this offer! Anyway, that was it! That was the whole segment! Okay??? —A.V.C.

HIGH — Trè chic!
A high? More like high fashion! The chicest city in the world showed off its fashion bona fides via a runway, which included Drag Race France host Nicky Doll. J’adore Nicky Doll! —J.P.F.

LOW — Why is France hiding its rap from us?
Anyone who watched Carrie Bradshaw go to Paris knows that French rap actually rules. But this cultural highlight got exactly one moment in the Opening Ceremony, where rapper Rim’K — who was not even identified to the television audience — did a short performance alone. This could’ve been so much more! —A.V.C.

WHOA — Cowboy Carter does some Paris promo.
Based on the Renaissance rollout so far, this is probably the closest we’ll get to a “Ya Ya” visual for a while. In a new clip shared this evening, Beyoncé dressed up in red, white, and blue to introduce a snappin’ and clappin’ Team USA with lyrics adjusted specifically for the games (“Oui, oui, Paris”). She went on to shout out some Olympians by name and shared her belief in the team as a whole. Let the Beylympics begin. —Jennifer Zhan

HIGH — The majestic gray horse. 
Clip, clip, clomp, clomp went the pretty gray horsey as it led the flags of the world down the street with its big beautiful eyes! I wanna kiss it on the FACE! —A.V.C.

HIGH — Céline Dion singing her heart out.

No, I absolutely wasn’t chopping onions. My eyes are wet because of Céline “Icon-for-All-Time” Dion closing out the ceremony under the Eiffel Tower. Dion has been battling stiff person syndrome, rendering it very difficult for her to do the thing she loves most in the world: perform. Watching one of the great voices of all time sing despite her illness was the absolute high of the ceremony, and perhaps one of the highs of Olympics of all time? Sorry, it’s hard not to be dramatic when influenced by a grande dame. —J.P.F.