The Real Housewives of Potomac Recap: What Does a Masseuse Do?

It’s time for the second and final installment of the Real Housewives of Potomac finale and I’m not ready for it to end! What a wild ride. From the highest highs in Cannes to the lowest of lows dropping off a pizza in front of Karen’s house, it feels like we’re just getting started with all the bullshit and craziness of these women. So where do we even begin the second part of the reunion? Karen is still crying backstage after breaking down about her parents. Oh, Karen. Maybe you and your wig should just go home. I’m saying that with all the love in the world but you’re definitely emotionally on edge. All your grief isn’t making your defensive … everything any better. (Speaking of defensive — MONIQUE NEEDS TO CHILL.)

Once Karen comes back out to join the girls, she says she’s not seeking pity or sympathy, she’s just looking for a moment. Everyone understands just how difficult everything must be for her, and Andy asks if Gizelle and Karen’s relationship is on the mend. Karen says she can’t just throw their relationship away and you really get the sense that these women, somewhere deep in their souls, respect each other. Andy asks if Gizelle can get an invite to Candiace’s wedding. I know the wedding already happened but I can imagine that anyone sitting on the couch opposite Candiace is wondering if that wedding was going to happen.

After Karen has settled back into the couch, Andy sets up a montage of Gizelle and Sherman’s relationship. I just want the best for all of these women and the fact that a 50-something-year-old man thought it was appropriate to just stop calling his girlfriend and her kids IS PREPOSTEROUS. Why aren’t we all screaming from the rooftops a hex onto Sherman’s house? Everyone on this show is way too grown for that nonsense. To fully discuss the issue, Charisse is welcomed onto the couch. They need to get a bigger couch for all these part-time Housewives.

SO WHO DID IT? WHOSE IDEA WAS IT? Monique or Charisse. Gizelle says she knows that Monique planned to bring Kyndall around a few weeks before the season started. Here comes Monique’s defensive streak: “I did not! I did not!” You can’t be messy on camera and then try to deny it. Just embrace it. If you wanna be that bitch, be that bitch. Charisse says she recommended Kyndall to be on the show. I really love how the Potomac Housewives are totally open with the fact that they’re on television. Charisse says that Monique asked her if the time was right to find a cameo for Kyndall. I believe Charisse. If she had asked to bring Kyndall on the show in years prior, how did she suddenly get on the show now? Monique.

Monique was trying to get under Gizelle’s skin but Monique says she doesn’t need another woman to ruffle Gizelle’s feathers. Then do it. Ruffle her feathers.

Ashley says that Sherman has a type: light-skinned with long hair. I hate to break it to Ashley but America has a type. Gizelle says that Kyndall is a little more equine than she is. Candaice is over there on the couch muttering to herself while Gizelle is explaining what happened with her relationship with Sherman but wants Gizelle to tell her what Sherman is saying to her now. Gizelle and Sherman are currently talking four to five times a day but aren’t dating. Ma’am, there are times I don’t talk to my own boyfriend four to five times a day. Candiace whispering “fast fast fast” about Gizelle under her breath is not a good look. You talk about your fiancé’s dick like it’s community property we all should be concerned with. And he’s got an assortment of kids. Like Gizelle says, mind your business, Tweedy Bird.

Andy asks where Monique and Charise’s relationship stands and Charisse calls Monique a fucking liar, so I guess that’s that.

There’s also a ridiculous exchange where Monique is saying that Charisse always recommends her people to her friends. Monique is using a massage therapist as an example. Charissse says, “Of course I’d recommend my masseuse,” and Monique says, “No. Massage therapist. Masseuses do other things.” This starts a back and forth between the two of them arguing about what a massage therapist does and a masseuse does. The best part is Ashey and Gizelle turning to each other and going, “What is the difference?” “I don’t know,” among the chaos. It made me laugh aloud.

Now, it’s time to bring out the husbands and sus-bands. Andy congratulations all of them on whatever he can. Then he asks one of the harshest questions of the night: “Chris, when you saw Candiace say she lowered her standards to be with a man with children, what did you think?” DAMN, ANDY. I don’t know if you noticed, but Candiace said, “I don’t think about that on a daily basis,” when she answered Andy’s question. But you think about it, then? Just not every day?

Andy asks Monique’s Chris about her miscarriage and there’s nothing snarky to say about that.

It’s time for Ray’s moment in the hot seat and Andy asks how can he keep something so serious from his wife. When he starts to answer, his light goes off. Uh oh, Ray. The spirits don’t want this answer. Ray’s answer is he thought it was going to be entirely a business matter and there are also other people involved so he can’t talk about it. He says that the pizza prank got the landscapers in trouble. So the landscapers found the pizza and not you, Ray? Michael has a question for Ray and Karen: Why would you sell the house you own to rent a more expensive house? Michael! Where was this energy for your relationship?

Karen and Ray say they don’t have to explain themselves to Michael. Karen claps for him and says. “Fuck you, weirdo.” Karen also calls Ashley “a millennial” as an insult and refuses to apologize for saying she saw pictures of Michael on Grindr. Michael pulls out his passport and says to look for the stamp from England if it’s true. Ray also says he’s looked into Karen’s relationship with Blue Eyes and he’s got no problem with it. I guess that answers any questions about an arrangement.

It’s time to talk about Ashley and Michael. Ashley says that the season gave them the chance to grow and heal their relationship. They’ve been trying for a baby and Ashley did get pregnant but suffered a miscarriage. Michael gets choked up when talking about it.

Then Ashley says she’s seeing a traditional medicine practitioner and she has a cold uterus. I’m just going to leave that there. After some discussion about Ashley’s mom, Andy shares the music video Ashley made for Michael.

Oh no. Oh nooooooooooooooooooooooo. She’s in a bubble bath. She’s been smoothed with no less than four Instagram filters. She’s got an Every Hue brush. She’s wearing all white. Who let her do this? She had to rent a camera, get in the studio, have someone auto-tune that song. No one told her no and that’s inspiring.

The husbands head out and Andy asks all the Housewives what they learned. About half of them give some answer along the lines of “mind my own goddamn business.” We’ve learned, we’ve loved, we’ve laughed. Cheers and see you next season!