The Vampire Diaries Recap: The Upside of Eternity

Elena is human, she took the cure. And now Damon wants to take it and join her on the flesh-and-blood side. Big mistake, if you ask me. I still cry about Stelena some nights.

Remember when we first realized The Vampire Diaries was a show about the love between two brothers, not a love triangle with one girl? There were plenty of Defan moments throughout seasons one and two, but when that story really took hold for me was in season three. I realized it was the central thread of the show, the backbone, the heart. When Damon revealed he had been searching for Stefan all summer even though he was now alone with the girl, I knew we could have all the shipper wars we wanted, because that wasn’t the battle we were really fighting. It wasn’t about Delena or Stelena; it was about Damon and Stefan. We were fighting for our brothers, for their forever. We always had been.

Let’s recap.

PITCH FOR THE FINALE: A vampire shows up to murder them all, and then PSYCH, we scale back to reveal that Mystic Falls is just a sex-fetish town and they’re into that! I loved the teaser — turning what are always tragic moments on this show into fun ones. Let’s celebrate Alaric and Jo! Plus 25.

It’s really sad that Jo’s bachelorette party is just two teenagers. They’re still teenagers, right? Age 19? Doesn’t she have any friends at the hospital? Minus 10.

Okay, back to the cure. Bonnie confronts Elena about her response to the cure (bailing on Damon), and then we cut to Alaric and Damon, who is giving us some rationale as to how this is going to work. (Elena will take the cure, he’ll feed on Elena, what could go wrong?) Alaric is not convinced; neither am I. Minus 20.

Oh, so Jo didn’t get any friends at her bachelorette because they compelled them all to be at Alaric’s? Plus 8.

Enzo: Where’s Stefan?
Matt: Don’t know, don’t care. 
Plus 14.

Stefan is doing the relationship-check-in phone call with Caroline, except she doesn’t answer. Minus 10.

I just didn’t believe Enzo when he said there were a million places he’d rather be than in Stefan’s bedroom. Wait, is this why he’s still here? Plus 8.

Matt and Tyler fighting is the new kittens on Instagram. Someone make some GIFs, please. Plus 12.

Hang on. Why do they keep saying this is Alaric’s last night as a single man, but Jo hasn’t yet found a wedding dress?

“Let me guess, you got a lap dance and now you feel guilty.” Plus 12.

This Stefan/Mama Salvatore stuff is heartbreaking. Damon really is the only family Stefan has. Also, I love that Stefan can’t make eye contact when he’s lying. That seems 100 percent on character. Plus 20.

When Alaric came out to talk to Matt and I saw the people in the brick building dancing, my first thought was: Warner finally got married! Also, I love that Matt’s advice to everyone is leave now. Think how much good TV we would have missed if Matt were in charge.

At this point, Enzo is the vampire equivalent of a text message. Minus 18.

Of course Bonnie is stuck partying with Jo, a woman she barely knows, while Elena runs off with her boyfriend. Minus 9.

OMG. Jo is pregnant with twins, which I’m GUESSING means the “skip town” option is going to be trickier now. Plus 12 because Elena may be leaving (sob!) but that doesn’t mean everyone has to.

Damon concocts a fantasy of Elena’s house that she burned down. Can vampires compel vampires to see things? Can he because he’s Elena’s sire? Is that still a thing?

Elena drinks the cure on her old porch, with Damon there guiding her. “I love you,” she says. “Till death do us part,” he responds. That’ll go in a top-moment montage, to be sure. Plus 25.

RIGHT. Elena didn’t remember Damon! Now all her memories come flooding back. Like how she went on a date with Damon. And also a few very passionate kisses, and that one time he saved her at the dance, which, apparently, is more romantic than him saving her life, 1 million times. But, YOU GUYS: ELENA IS HUMAN! Plus 100.

Stefan calls Damon to tell him not to take the cure, that Mama Salvatore is on the loose. Elena is now human and can’t defend herself, which brings us full circle. And you know what? It felt right.

Elena was trying to run from Mama Salvatore but kept being interrupted by her brain, which was giving her visions of Damon she had forgotten. Like them #DelenaRainKiss–ing. Plus 15.

I support Elena being human; I’m just not really sure she thought through what her life expectancy would be. This whole talk of “a long life together” or “growing old together” is not realistic. They’re gonna get like six weeks, tops. Minus 15.

Stefan is not pleased that Damon wants to take the cure. He does not want to lose his brother! Then Damon saves Stefan from a Mom Attack, knocking my six weeks estimate down to two. Minus 7.

I love that Jo did a sonogram to confirm what the vampire said. These people do not question vampires enough, in my opinion! Plus 9.

Alaric tells Jo he’s going to get her out of town after the wedding. “You are my life. The only thing I care about is keeping you safe.” All the love. Plus 22.

Elena loves Damon. She’s human, and she loves Damon. You win, #Delena. Plus 40.

“One day you’ll see me as your son,” Stefan says. And then she tries to tell Stefan he doesn’t know devastation. Like, lady? I am sorry, but YOU do not know Stefan. Dude has been through more than a Bible character. Minus 20.

Oh, hey, Kai. We missed you. Also, how hot does Christopher Wood look with that new haircut and facial hair? He’s now buds with Mama Salvatore’s “family,” a.k.a. those creepy vampire-witch dolls. You do what you gotta do to stay social, I guess. Plus 18.

We’re in the green this week, and now there are only two more until we say good-bye to Elena Gilbert for good. Where will she go? What will happen to her? Who will go with her? (Tyler.) Only two things are for certain: (1) I’ll be here @RebeccaASerle and (2) tears.

Hang in there, guys.