The Vampire Diaries Recap: My Brother Came Back

The title of this episode is a riff off a Hap Palmer song I deeply wish I did not know. It’s about a mommy who always returns to her kid. Some choice lyrics include: “Sometimes my mommy takes me over to another friend’s house to play”’; “Sometimes I worry when she leaves me”; and “She never would forget me.” You’re welcome for polluting your brain.

Why am I telling you this? Because Damon is that mommy. He is never leaving Stefan, not ever.

From the very first beats of the very first episode, we knew that the heart of this series would lie with Stefan and Damon — the love they have for each other, their complicated past, and their intrinsically linked futures. Last night, in what will probably go down as one of my favorite scenes in TVD history, Damon came back. Not to Elena. Not to some romantic chords of an Enya song. To Stefan. To his brother. The person who needs him the most.

Let’s recap.

Stefan in a tank top is how we should open every episode. Plus 10. I’m also digging Stefan’s new bedroom vibe. Blue sheets, loose curtains. Totally the kind of place you’d invite a girl over to “watch a movie” and actually get away with the pretense.

New vampires always have blood running down their faces. They don’t give you napkins until phase two. Plus 5. And plus another 5 for the Ivy’s Buffy reference. Also: “I had a freakin Etsy store.” Of course she did.

Ha! Stefan showed up at Caroline’s dorm room to literally dump Ivy, who was residing in a suitcase. Caroline was in a towel, so plus 8. I’ll take any form of Steroline progress I can get. Quick question: I’m not super familiar with southern geography, but why do they all live a five-minute driving distance from each other? Didn’t Stefan move to a different state?

“Just a couple of hours, and then you’ll never have to deal with me again.”

“Is that what you think I want?”

Jesus Christ, you guys. Minus 15.

But whatever, there was Alaric writing the word homecoming on the blackboard. Plus 12. I will never get sick of seeing Alaric playing teacher. “Damon may be gone, but I can still find pleasure in judging his life choices,” Alaric said, after he caught us up on an Elena plot we don’t really care about.

I’m trying to decide what the deal is with the way I feel about Elena. Mostly, I’m trying to decide when I stopped liking her. Was it when she became a vampire? It seems that most people are sick of her being mopey, but she’s not being mopey now, and it’s not making me like her any more. She was a real downer in seasons one, two, and three, and I loved her then. I think it’s the selfish thing, maybe? Or the fact that she appears to be a legit homicidal maniac? Maybe I just miss her straight hair. No points.

Damon and Bonnie are 100 percent the best part of this show. Loved Damon poking her with that stick. Their banter is fantastic. Bamon people, my sincerest apologies for ever doubting you. Plus 20.

I can’t even begin to get into the way I feel about Caroline and Elena’s dorm room, but minus 12 for the devastation incoming freshman will feel when they are not greeted by fireplaces, cherry-wood bed frames, and soft overhead lighting. What is this, Hogwarts?

I was a little confused when Alaric was a total dick to Stefan, but then I remembered Stefan skipped down, essentially making Alaric the resident adult in charge of everyone and everything. Fair enough, Alaric!

Fun fact: I did some traveling last week promoting my new novel, Famous in Love (shameless plug). The single question I got asked the most was who my favorite character on The Vampire Diaries is. And I said Stefan because I’m loyal like that, but you know who my actual favorite character is right now? Bonnie. Bonnie is the best. Bonnie is owning this season. #Bonnie. Plus 20.

New Romantic Interest was hassling Elena about why she didn’t like him, and all she had to say was that he wasn’t her type. This is a giant compliment, New Romantic Interest. It means you are probably not a serial killer! Plus 8 for you! Now take your points and leave because nothing good is coming for you.

Tyler totaled his truck by driving it straight through the party. That truck did a lot of damage. There were like 40 casualties from a pickup? I found something really poignant about it, though. Death and injury seemed to matter. Tyler was expressing actual remorse for hurting a ton of people. Doctors were trying to keep humans human. Words like artery were used and not directly followed by snack. Plus 24.

Caroline was waking up from death trying to find Ivy when Stefan came rolling up in his vintage car to tell her he was leaving town again. Or was trying to leave town? I don’t know. It’s hard to say good-bye. You’d think it would be less hard for Stefan because he’s done it like five times in four days, but whatever. Minus 10 for kind of missing the point on this one, Stefan.

Douchekebab. Plus 30.

“Let’s get awkward.” Ha! “I’m sure there are about a billion other people you’d rather be here with.” “Not exactly.” All the heart emojis. All of them. Plus 40.

It was SUPER uncool when Kai shot up Bonnie with an arrow, though. Minus 15.

This scene with Tyler and Liv — wow. First off, how depressing is it that Tyler cannot go like four months without accidentally murdering someone? Vampire probs. But when Liv ended that guy’s life? That was some epic stuff. I’m REALLY into these two together. Plus 8 — more where that came from soon.

Going off of that, when Elena and Liam saved that girl’s life by opening up her windpipe (instead of just feeding her vampire blood), Elena’s plotline as a premed took hold for me. Sorry, but I like this. The better option isn’t becoming a vampire. The better option is staying human. They were all fighting in that field to keep these people human, and I dug that. Plus 25.

OMFG, no. NO NO NO NO NO. Bonnie sent Damon home without her, and then she DIED?? I never thought I would say this, but I am here for Bonnie, only Bonnie, and if you take her away, show, I will not be able to deal with it. Unlike the vast array of characters on your show, I do not want to be here without Bonnie. Minus 200.

Alaric and the doctor were having some convo that belonged to their future selves because whoa, lady, you have known this dude for two weeks; take it down a notch. Also, she’s a vampire? I guess? Plus 4.

Not ideal that the town watchman has Ivy. But I don’t know, he’s just trying to stop actual murderers from murdering? Is he really the bad guy? No points, but let’s think about it.

Liam is catching on. He has some questions. But Elena shut that right up with a kiss. Plus 4.

I wanted to laugh when Elena said her type was a hero, but it’s the most self-awareness she’s had in about five years, so plus 12.

LOVED this scene with Tyler and Liv. “You saved me.” These two holding hands does more for me than a Delena sex montage. Sorry! Plus 20.

“Yep, this is happening. I’m gonna talk out loud to a crypt filled with my dead family.” Stefan had some things to say to Damon, mostly about being lost without him. And then he started to get mad, throw-bourbon-bottles mad, and that’s when Damon came back. This was a beautiful, beautiful brother moment. Damon started off snarky and then softened. “I’m back, Stefan.” When Stefan put his hand on Damon’s shoulder to test whether he was real, I teared up, and by the time they bear-hugged, I was full-on sobbing. We’re here for them. We have always been here for them. Damon and Stefan forever. Plus 200.

We are in the positive this week, but don’t think you’re not on probation about this Bonnie business, show. I want her back (and Kai, too).

As always: @RebeccaASerle