The Vampire Diaries Recap: Is It Me You’re Looking For?

You heard it here first (what is Tumblr?): The days of Team Stefan versus Team Damon are over. Sure, it’s complicated, because who doesn’t want Nina Dobrev? But you know who definitely does not want Elena? Stefan Salvatore (I think). Even setting love aside, it has felt increasingly wrong to turn the brothers on each other in this recap space, and last week just felt … right. So we’re going to stick with it. These are hard times, you know? Caroline is cleaning the fireplace to avoid sexual frustration. Let’s not turn on each other.

This week, Katherine stole (for good?!) Elena’s body, Tyler continued his emotional Benjamin Button routine, and Caroline and Stefan took their first step toward …

I’m getting ahead of myself, let’s give some points!

The scenes from last week were funny, because remember that plotline where Damon stalked and killed a family for decades? Elena sure doesn’t! Minus 6.

Opening this episode with Nina Dobrev putting her hands over Matt’s eyes and asking “guess who?” was just about the most perfect snapshot in TVD history. Excellent work, show. Plus 12.

I like that Katherine immediately wanted to get rid of that pink streak in Elena’s hair, because me too. I also want to get rid of that pink streak in her hair. Plus 8.

MATT IS THE MOST INCREDIBLE HUMAN ON THE PLANET. HE KNOWS WHAT ELENA WOULD WEAR TO A PARTY, WHAT HER LITTLE BROTHER’S BIRTHDAY IS, AND WHO SHE LOVES THE MOST OF HER FRIENDS (he lied on the last one, though, because c’mon). Plus 40.

Damon buried Katherine’s body in some forest? Why he is being such a dick? Like, seriously — I thought he was over her? I know she was terrible to him but guess what? He is terrible to tons of people! They all are! Hated this Damon a lot. Minus 20.

So season one Tyler is back. Because we definitely missed him. Minus 20.

STEROLINE ON THE PHONE. Plus 20. They are so adorable. Quick question: Are there Stefan Salvatore and Caroline Forbes action figures? Asking for a friend, definitely not into voodoo.

“Did you get my body?” Tagline of the show, right here. Plus 10.

I don’t know. Look, Stefan is amazing. It is so much more believable when he tried to get Damon back together with Elena than when Damon tried to get Elena back together with Stefan. Maybe that’s because, at the time, Damon still loved her? I think this show has wonderful emotional progression, I do, but if you start trying to remember stuff it makes your head hurt. Plus 15. I don’t even remember what for, though.

I think it’s really funny that everyone calls Elena all the time. Because she’s so useful in situations and general life planning? “I’ve never met a group of needier people,” says Katherine. Honestly, I feel like their lives were going pretty great for a few hours without Elena. Matt was just chilling on a bench, smiling. Stefan and Damon were playing pool. Caroline was beaming. Let her go gently into that good night, you guys. Just watch your lives GROW WINGS AND FLY. Plus 5.

I love that Katherine did the Elena shrug when she was on the phone with Matt. Nailed it, too. Plus 3.

Plus 10 for the return of Enzo. I don’t totally get Enzo, but I have an Alaric-size hole in my heart from last week, so.

Matt Donovan: Greeter of Vampires. P.S. It took Stefan likes ten minutes to fill that cup of beer. He actually looks like a statue when he stands that still. Seriously, watch that scene again. There was some Michelangelo type stuff going on, there. Plus 7.

Isn’t it amazing how Katherine pretending to be Elena is completely believable and yet 1,000 times less annoying? This is just brilliant. Honestly, genius. Plus 40.

I guess I just didn’t really understand why it was so important to Enzo that Damon kill Aaron? Also, I didn’t understand why Damon didn’t just tell him he didn’t want to? “End this for both of us,” Enzo told him. Was killing one more blond dude really going to make up for his decades of torture? Minus 20. I feel like this Whitmore plot had a lot of potential, but now it’s just confusing and emotionally distracting. Also, it REALLY bugs me that Elena would only care about Damon killing Aaron when she clearly did not give one shit about Damon murdering ALL THE OTHER MEMBERS of Aaron’s family.

I would subtract points for Caroline so willingly trying to get Damon and Elena back together after four solid years of hating that dude, but that is the power of Stefan Salvatore, so plus 8.

Caroline thought she was only going to kiss Klaus. Plus 100.

“I was pretending to care. It’s very time consuming,” said Katherine. This is how I feel literally every time someone tries to talk to me about a New Yorker article at brunch. That seems specific, but it happens CONSTANTLY.

Okay, let’s talk about this scene with Tyler and Stefan and Caroline. I’m going to start with Stefan’s punch and “she doesn’t deserve that,” and work my way back. So that was perfect and excellent. Then there was Caroline’s crying — heartbreaking, but Tyler was being such a class-A douche that we couldn’t really blame her. It’s hard to see Caroline beg and apologize to Tyler. Really hard. I don’t care what happened with Klaus, Tyler. KLAUS did those things to you, not Caroline. Caroline waited for you and was patient with you and loved and supported you and you LEFT HER. You don’t get to care whom she sleeps with and you CERTAINLY don’t get to yell at her about it. Minus 100. (But then plus 100 for the Stefan punch thing see above.)

A witch that came out of nowhere was trying to seal Katherine in Elena’s body. It super worked, which is just about the best thing that has ever happened to television since Ross yelled “pivot!” on Friends. Plus 70.

You could tell it was Katherine by how she appeared to actually be listening to what Damon was saying and responding like a rational adult. Plus 17. Also, I guess what Damon said was sweet but I kind of hate this relationship right now, to be honest. The idea that he can’t be good without her not only sucks but is simply untrue. And unfair to his character.

Katherine is brilliant as Elena. She should make all of her life choices from now on. Although it would definitely be the end of TVD, because television needs conflict. Plus 20.

Hahahaha. I love that Tyler’s drunken lamentation started with his dead family but really just turned out to be about how he didn’t know what he was going to major in. Plus 15.

Plus 30 for Matt’s unwavering support and friendship for everyone, even those who do not deserve it.

“Cold, manipulative, good hair. You really are my daughter.” Plus 9.

“You’re right, I want it all. I want my daughter, I want immortality, and I want Stefan Salvatore.” I mean, that is a solid list. Plus 20.

Teens of the world: Listen up. This is what it’s supposed to look like. This is true love. You do not know who Pacey Witter and Joey Potter are. That’s okay. I mean it’s not really okay, but in time, you’ll learn that. Or you won’t. It’s really about whether you want happiness. The point it: This is it. This is the real thing. THIS is what you want. Okay? Okay. #Steroline Plus 50.

Damon is back to being a monster and killed Aaron, so I guess he’s not going to be loving up Elena anytime soon. I’m torn on this. I like Damon the villain; I also dislike that his villain-ness always hinges on a girl. But Ian looks hot with blood dripping down his face, and I think we’ll get more snark back. So, I guess, plus 7?

We came out positive this week! I cannot WAIT to see what trouble Katherine gets into in Elena’s body.

I’m here: @RebeccaASerle