Some episodes of The Vampire Diaries are the equivalent of being strapped to the top of a goddamn jet plane going faster than the sound barrier as your screams are swallowed up into the blackness of infinity. And some are like catching the local train to the farthest reaches of Brooklyn. But the thing about the local episodes is that we need them. They’re not my favorite, I’ll be honest with you. I think the show shines when it’s barreling full-steam ahead into devastation. But TVD also has a phenomenal understanding of pacing and rhythm. When we need to be filled in, we are, so that the information can swiftly come back and bite us in the ass. You know, in a loving way.
Let’s debate. Although we really only need one word today: Katherine.
Stefan is Still Totally Clueless
Caroline bought Stefan his costume. Plus 6. I was really hoping it was a bunny.
Turns out Caroline bought Stefan a JAMES DEAN OUTFIT. You know what that means, right? You do. Plus 15.
“Dance with me. I’m buzzed and I’m on the verge of having a good time.” Plus 7.
“No offense, but I actually have no idea who a lot of people are.” I want this tattoo. Plus 10.
Can you imagine being Stefan and having no memory of anything, hearing that you’re a vampire, and then meeting your doppelganger all within the span of, like, a weekend? Christ. Minus 15 points for this headache.
Seemed like Tessa was duped pretty easily for someone who has been alive since the Instagram Hue Age but I guess that is the power of Paul Wesley’s person. Plus 6. I’m including “this face won her heart before” here too.
Why did Stefan kill Damon? I just did not understand all the head snapping that was going on. Seemed unnecessary. Minus 7. I thought those two had worked out their problems. Something about Steroline?
Total: 22
Damon Will Maybe Consider Thinking About It
Ha. Awesome move sneaking up on Elena when she was ignoring his call. I would totally do that if I had vamp speed/hearing/whatever other stuff they have. Plus 8.
Damon is trying to get Bonnie back for Elena. Sweet. Stupid, too. Plus 7.
Aw, guys! Elena said the word “husband” to Damon. Gifs for everyone! Plus 12.
It sorta seemed like Elena needing to solve Megan’s murder and mourn or whatever had a lot to do with whether or not she could make out with Damon. Even though that made no sense? Minus 5.
Also minus 10 in Damon’s category for how INSANELY flirtatious Elena was being with New Guy. To be fair, though, all the guys she ever talks to end up wanting to sleep with her so maybe she was just trying to cut out a few years of posturing.
Silas’s plan was pretty confusing, I’m not gonna lie, but Damon killing Stefan deserves some negative points. Only 2, though, because I actually did not buy that Damon enjoyed it at all. Feel like that hissy fit Stefan threw last week would have blown over by now.
Damon’s little head-nod to Elena when Katherine discovered Silas was adorable. Plus 2.
But then—OMG. I don’t know what to say about this. Damon fed Katherine to Silas. To get Bonnie back. And she died. But then she woke up again. Is this the thing about the cure? You have to live like a human— forever? I was really worried for a second that they were going to kill her for good (you never know with this show). But man, Damon. I guess plus 20 for being so committed to your vision. But then again minus 20 for trying to take the single-most compelling thing on this show out of play.
Total: 12
Bonus Points:
Professor Doctor is completely nuts. The opening of this episode was full-on psycho. Plus 7.
“Dear diary. Do you ever get sick of me writing about death?” She’s talking to us, right? I’ll answer: minus 5.
I never thought I’d dislike seeing Caroline and Tyler hook up but I was not into it. He left her high and dry with no explanation, ignored her calls for months, and is currently standing in the middle of the greatest love story that has yet to be told. Minus like 20. Pissed about this.
Perfect tear, Dobrev. Plus 2.
Elena is going to fall for Megan’s ex boyfriend, right? That is a thing that is happening? Plus 70 points of pure hope. About time they put someone else in this mix.
Bonnie. I don’t have too much invested in her but my god, this girl. She’s a ghost and can’t communicate or touch anyone and her father was murdered IN FRONT OF HER FACE and now she just has to casually mention it when it serves the plot and no one even responds. It has always been horrible being her, but this just seems unnatural. Minus 40.
Why didn’t Nadia just pull that stake out of her like every other vampire does in every other scene? Whatever. Minus 3.
Nadia and Katherine at that diner was a great reminder of how complex and fantastic Katherine’s history is. Also, I miss Klaus. In Mystic Falls. I know I’m not supposed to say that, but it’s true. Plus 10.
Aw. Jeremy and Bonnie are still in love. Did we know that already? Plus 8. I’m feeling festive.
Okay. Did NOT see that Katherine twist coming. Plus 60 for Nadia being her daughter. Katherine’s story is fascinating. I’m so happy we’re finally getting to explore it after all of these years.
Elena would ask a professor to dance. She doesn’t know the rules, okay? Her dates were always hundred-year-old dudes and her history teacher adopted her. Plus 8.
Katherine went back for her baby daughter. I cannot even. Plus 100.
“Love me more than you hate him.”—Caroline. Listen, I really hate to say this because I love Michael Trevino so much, but why do his goodbyes keep sucking so badly? Like seriously, so badly. He came back just to sleep with her? I hated seeing Caroline so weak. I hate that she keeps letting him hurt her and that he keeps doing it— a guy that, up until this season, I really thought had experienced the most significant growth on this show. Minus 40. Stay gone this time, Tyler.
Total: 227
This episode goes to the one and only Lady Katherine.
See you back here next week! It sounds like Delena and Stefan are finding themselves on opposite sides of an immortal love battle. So, standard Thursday.
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