The Vampire Diaries Recap: Stefan vs. Damon, Round 14: A Wet and Hot American Summer

Hello, everyone, it’s nice to see you again. You’re looking relaxed and well rested. That’s about to change. The Vampire Diaries came back from a four-month hiatus last night and, as I often say about the shower scenes on this show, no complaints here. It was a great premiere episode and set up what I believe will be a fantastic season. If there’s one thing we rely on from TVD, it’s that we rely on nothing. One roommate is already dead, an overlord named Silas has Mystic Falls under super compulsion, and (yay!) Matt finally got laid. Where will it go? Only Bonnie knows for sure (or possibly not — I never really get what Bonnie’s powers are, to be honest).

At its core, our beloved show is a story about brothers, and their bond was in full effect last night. So let’s play tribute to it by pitting them against each other over a girl they may not even like that much anymore.

To the debate!

Stefan Is Suffering Under the Sea

- “Love brought me to Mystic Falls. Love drove me away.” That’s Paul Wesley’s voice, y’all. Right from minute one, I knew: This is the Season of Stefan. Plus 60.

- Elena’s thumb hovering over Stefan’s name in her phone reminded me all too well of breakups past. Been there, sister. Plus 6, because she is still thinking about you, Stef. Stay strong (or drown repeatedly; whatever option is available to you).

- Seeing Stefan struggle against death and then black out only to be woken up to a water coma again was heartbreaking. Minus 20. This is like the worst thing I can possibly imagine happening to someone with hair as perfect as Paul Wesley’s.

- Caroline’s points about Elena not calling Stefan were all really smart and adult and stuff but I really just wanted her to say: “Listen, don’t F this up for me, okay?” Because we all know that is what she was thinking. Plus 9.

- For now, Stefan is going to get Silas points. They have the same face; do not challenge me. “Don’t ever call me a vampire,” Silas says. That entire scene with Sherriff Forbes was great. It was pretty obvious it wasn’t Stefan, though, because Stefan would never call a woman out on her right to fries. Side note: really loving Sheriff Forbes. Plus 12.

- Stefan hallucinates his brother to stay sane. Of course, his brother is technically the devil on his shoulder in these hallucinations, but whatever — it still felt like love. Plus 20.

- Silas: “Katherine called me first. Remember? It’s always been me first.” Minus 8. I don’t want to play this game anymore.

- Silas: “Why are you in my brother’s bathtub?”

Katherine: “Why aren’t you?”

Plus 10. God, these two are hot together. I actually feel like there’s a version of this show where everyone gets what they want, now. Check it:

Damon: Elena

Katherine: Paul Wesley’s Face

Stefan: Caroline’s Pure, Undying Love

You’re welcome, CW.

- We’ve talked a lot about how Nina Dobrev makes Katherine and Elena and No Humanity Elena different (something about unicorn blood, I think?), and in the same vein it was amazing to watch Paul Wesley’s ability last night. Silas was totally different from the Ripper. Incredible. Plus 30.

- “Did you forget how long it took me to come back last time?” Hallucinating Stefan told Damon about his humanity switch. Um, two weeks? No seriously, it was like two weeks. Minus 7.

- “Don’t let go,” Julie Plec told Stelena people … I mean Elena told Hallucinating Stefan. Plus 10. Okay, fine, but I want to make it clear I’m only here for the hugging.

- Silas killed Bonnie’s father and mind-controlled a group of like 100 people. And now he’s sending them out to go find Katherine. Plus 20. Paul Wesley just knows how to demand an audience.

Total: 142

Damon Is Back to Babysitting

- “I’d rather ploy you with Champagne and spend the night convincing you to stay,” Damon tells a bubble-clad Elena. Let’s just address the elephant in the room and move on, mkay? While Nian headed for … let’s say “less attractive” (who are they possibly going to date that is that good looking?) pastures this summer, Delena is very much on, and you know what? Those guys can act. It was hot. So let’s all focus on the fiction and give some points. Plus 40 for the sexual bliss you have all been waiting four years to see. Enjoy it while it lasts.

- “You’re gonna drink cheap beer and you’re gonna protest things you don’t care about.” Nailed it. #College Plus 7.

- Damon’s face when Katherine showed up was so great. Ian’s Side-Mouth Thing is becoming almost as infamous as his Weird-Eye Thing. “You’re miserable,” he told her. Plus 9. Scene note: I love that the thing Katherine is most pissed about is that she can’t drink as much as she used to. I mean, fair. Me too.

- Damon and Stefan hugged! Okay, it wasn’t so much Stefan as Silas, and neither one of them looked like they enjoyed it, but it was sweet Damon thought to do that after three months away from his bro. Plus 12.

-  When Silas asked Damon if he really thought Stefan would leave town to let him be happy with Elena, and Damon got that sad puppy look that meant “Yeah, prob not,” I also felt sad. Because aren’t we in a place where Team Stefan means Steroline, now? Minus 14.

- Damon hugged Jeremy to his chest after Jer told him Katherine was gone. “I don’t care,” he said. Okay, that’s cute, but we do. Because, like, Stefan? You know: Stefan. Minus 5, but then I guess also plus 5 because Damon cares about Jeremy or whatever — we already knew that, so why are we even still giving points for this?

Total: 59

Bonus Points

(As you’ll recall, we cannot make it through an episode without wanting to give Matt Donovan 100 points so this is the area where we do that. And also sometimes Steven McQueen’s biceps).

- Elena’s new journaling is e-mailing! Way to get into (2010?), girl! In all seriousness, it really was a fun, creative way to update us on the summer. Plus 20.

- MATT HAD SEX WITH MULTIPLE WOMEN AND REBEKAH KISSED A GIRL. Plus 100. (See? Told ya. Every time).

- I thought it was impossible for Nina Dobrev not to look perfect but I may have been wrong. Katherine was hurting last night. She looked like she’d just done ten tequila shots on Semester at Sea. Plus 15. Yikes.

- Oh right, no one knows Bonnie is dead. It was actually pretty sad when she said, “We’re all here together.” Not really sure why she said it, though, considering it was definitely not true. Minus 5.

- Elena and Caroline took out blood bags to toast their new dorm. Awesome. Plus 3. Also, look, no offense to anyone but this must be the worst college ever. You can enroll in August and all of our main characters got in. No points, though. I’m so happy to be out of high school I can’t deduct anything.

- Sucksssss to be Jeremy. Minus 100. I mean it has always sucked to be Jeremy, but it really sucked to be Jeremy last night. I think it sucked worse than it sucked during season one? I don’t know, let’s talk about. When do you think it has sucked to be Jeremy the most? Please comment.

- Matt is so hot it’s not even funny. Their makeout against the tree with Rebekah was the best scene I have ever seen on this show. No idea what they talked about, though. Are they engaged, now? Plus 10.

- Listening to the New Roommate recap, Elena’s love life was amazing. I do it here and it sounds equally ridiculous. Plus 5.

- The return of season-one Caroline made my heart happy. Wanna get emotional for a sec? Let’s do it. Caroline’s character is one of the richest on this show. She has grown so much and yet she still maintains the essence of who she is. She’s Caroline. And she doesn’t want crap in her mini-fridge. Plus 20.

- Katherine’s fear of death is going to make for some really great television. No sarcasm. Plus 10.

- Elena was sorta awesome last night. Was she ever this cool? Let’s see, there was the time she … nope! Plus 20. Also, the way she kept subtly hinting to Caroline that she should let Tyler go was actually a really sweet friend move. The writing was on the wall.

- Why would Elena put her cell phone on speaker? Caroline can hear everything. Vampire super-senses, remember? Minus 12.

- That (car?) commercial with Candice and Kat was cute. Plus 2. I’m just happy we’re all here. Points for everyone!

- Elena and Caroline standing by the crime scene was hilarious. I know a girl died, but whatever, we didn’t know her. What I’d like to focus on here is how totally insane Elena and Caroline were acting. You’d think they’d know how to behave around a dead body by now. Minus 10.

- WTF happened to Matt? Minus 6? 100? I don’t know what to do so for now I will do nothing.

- “It’s not just about our roommate. It’s about me.” — Elena. Aaaaaand there it is. Minus 3.

- I’m at capacity on wondering if Jeremy is going to die. Minus 10.

- The Tyler voice-mail was not all that surprising but the moment where our two girls bonded in bed was really sweet. I don’t think I realized how much I missed this friendship last season. Can’t wait for it to be destroyed again once Stefan and Caroline get together! Please? Plus 10.

Total: 95

Stefan won this round. Which is weird because he did not leave his water coffin. There goes my resolution to be more unbiased this season! And hey — did you guys head to New Orleans post-TVD and watch The Originals? Did you love it as much as I did? Let me know in the comments and, as always, I’m here: @RebeccaASerle

See you next week for the return of Elena’s tears. I’m so happy we’re back.