The Vampire Diaries Recap: Stefan vs. Damon, Round 11: Anyone Who Leaves You Behind Is a Fool

Last night was a turning point on The Vampire Diaries, and no, Elena did not choose her life partner (girl is still making her pros and cons list — where do you put the ab points, you know?). She did something far more irreversible. She turned her emotions back on. Stefan lived with no conscious for 40 years, but Elena managed to swing around to righteousness in about nine days. Look, this episode was a little ridiculous, but we get it — narrative and plot have to move forward. The more pressing issue, honestly, is what is Elena going to write in now? Remember how much journaling guilt requires?

Obviously Matt won this episode, but let’s debate anyway. We’re already here.

Stefan Has One Foot Out the Door 

* How awesomely obvious was it that Stefan has major senioritis on this Elena issue? It was almost like his eyes kept darting to the clock — how much longer until I can bail to Europe? Plus 3.

* Stefan and Caroline’s argument over Elena was great. If people fight, it means they love each other. We learned that on One Tree Hill. Plus 6.

* When Elena reminded Stefan she dumped him, we were all, Yeah, great, fine, but the race is long. Look who is now dark-circle-ridden with no available cover-up? Plus 4 for Stefan. He didn’t even seem to remember what she was talking about.

* “Maybe Stefan and I will give it another go.” Stefan’s eye roll was awesome, although it’s hard to say whether he meant, “Yeah, right, I’m so over you,” or “Yeah, right, you’re so over me.” Either way, he did NOT seem interested in that outcome. Plus 2.

* Stefan was so level-headed this episode. His plan to bring in Katherine was actually pretty smart! Plus 4.

* They just sat there and watched as Elena drained Matt? That’s kinda f’ed up, Stefan. We expect this kind of thing from Damon, but not from you. Minus 10.

* “That’s it. That’s it. Just breathe it in.” When Stefan was coaching Elena through her rebirth and Damon and Stefan were both holding her, it was just … look, it was awkward. We were pretty convinced she was going to start hooking up with one of them while the other one watched? I mean, plus 2, because that didn’t happen, but also minus 2, because we actually believed it would.

Total: 9

Damon Tends to Pull Rage Out of People

* We kind of didn’t know what was going on in that first scene because it has been so long since we saw a vampire get inside someone’s head. Or maybe we were just disoriented that we weren’t in New Orleans? But then we remembered when Damon got into Elena’s dreams in season one, and it made some sense, I guess. Although, whatever happened to that black crow thing? Plus 4.

* The plan of keeping Elena in isolation EXCEPT for seeing the Salvatores was the most ridiculous idea ever. She’s supposed to be alone and missing people? THOSE ARE THE ONLY TWO SHE EVER SEES ANYWAY. Ugh. Minus 4.

* When Elena told Damon being sired to him was the worst, we felt kinda bad, although it was more for ourselves than Damon. How awkward was it that they kept talking about their specific relationships in front of one another? We really wish that would stop happening. Brothers, you know? Minus 6.

* Damon had a FIRE EXTINGUISHER on hand. Jesus. Minus 4.

* Damon was SO MAD, you guys. You could tell because he threw a bottle. (Note: This means he cares more than Stefan. He will probably end up with Elena. Everyone freak out). Plus 1?

* Damon, stop being a dick to Matt. Minus 3.

* “My emotions are fine. I love Elena. I despise you.” Whatever. Also, we find it so annoying that Katherine is still towing the “Elena will run straight to Stefan after she is back” line. That is not a thing, writers. Even I, steadfast member of Team Stefan, know this to be true. Minus 7.

* DAMON KILLED MATT. We don’t really care that Matt was wearing a ring — it still happened. Remind me again why Elena’s emotions are worth everyone else suffering? She is not even IN DANGER and they are still making people die for her. Honestly, minus 15. We get why Matt would do it, because he is a cherub from the clouds of heaven’s gates, but sorry, Damon, we’re still pissed at you.

* Damon kept asking Elena if she was okay. Obviously she was not okay. Even we could see that, and we were sitting way over here. Minus 3. Listening is important in successful relationships, Damon.

Total: -37

Bonus points:

* “Nobody likes a tease.” —Elena. Whatever I say here is going to get me in trouble, but suffice it to say — minus 4.

* Caroline killed Elena! She totally deserved it. “Do whatever you have to do.” Plus 10.

* “Elena was my friend long before she was your mean girl side kick.” “Some of us don’t have the option of leaving.” Omg, Matt, go. Leave this show. Follow your dreams. WE WILL MISS YOU DEEPLY, but we want a better life for you. Plus 8.

* Caroline and Matt outside the Salvatore house was a beautiful moment, although why were they even there if it was so painful to listen to? Caroline is a wonderful friend, that’s why. Were you guys into them when they dated? Because we were. It has been awhile since we remembered that. Hmmm. Plus 5.

* “All they keep in this house is blood and booze.” —Rebekah. Plus 4.

* “We don’t have a motto.” —Caroline. Oh, come on. That’s not true. Everyone knows it’s “We wear leather to protect our souls.” Plus 2.

* Bonnie was kinda badass this episode, although honestly we’re really not sure why. This Silas story line continues to feel kinda fuzzy. She’s working for him now, right? That is the thing that is happening? Plus 5. It’s tough being Bonnie.

* AT&T can help you ace exams, you guys. They are the Cliffs Notes of service providers. Plus 3.

* “Find Bonnie or I’ll kill the person you love the most.” When Silas said that to Caroline, all we could think was: IS IT STEFAN? PLEASE TELL US IT IS STEFAN.

* “Oh, honey, you look awful.” Ha. Get it? Because they are doppelgängers and now Katherine looks better? Wit! Plus 3.

* “You’re the girl that I’ve loved longer than I can remember.” MATT. Plus 100. You want me to explain why he gets so many points? OKAY. ALLOW ME TO DO THAT. So, first off, Matt was living a pretty decent life. I mean, it was not awesome, no. His dad was gone, and his mom was a drunk. But he had a sister he loved (Vicki!) and a hot girlfriend and he played football. Enter vampires. His sister dies, his best friends die, his mom leaves town (?), his girlfriend dumps him for some 100-year-old dudes, and he drowns in a car only to be saved and have to deal with the worst PTSD ever. Did we mention he works at the Grill? Furthermore, we’re pretty sure last night he confessed to still being in love with Elena. It’s not like we didn’t know that — we did — but being reminded of it just makes us feel really, really sad. And yet he continues to be good and strong and true through it all. He has never even tried to kill someone. Any questions? We didn’t think so.

* Caroline was wonderful. The scene with Klaus/Silas was hot, and the scene with Sheriff Forbes was devastating. We love when Candice Accola is given the spotlight. She shines. Plus 20.

* We have long wanted Matt to be the one to bring Elena’s emotions back, and we’re so glad that was the way it went. Matt is really Elena’s tie to her humanity, to her human life, and that bond they share was in full and beautiful display last night. Plus another 40 for Mr. Donovan.

* “I will spend every day until graduation trying to find a way to pay you back.” That’s really sweet, Rebekah, but you are immortal — ten days doesn’t seem all that generous to us? Plus 4, though. That was a good speech.

* “It all comes down to her. Katherine.” Elena is going to kill Katherine, so that’s … good luck with that, Elena.

Total: 200

Matt won this round on paper and in our hearts.

Only two episodes left until we’re out for the summer! Who will get the cure? Who will graduate? Will Elena’s hair stay pink?

If you want to chat, I’m here: @RebeccaASerle