Jersey Shore Recap: It Puts the Lotion on Its Butt

This week’s episode was for the ladies. The plate-throwing, hair-pulling, sex-having, plastic-bag-wearing ladies, who were uniformly on their absolute worst behavior, in the most incredible way. “Behave,” Angelina’s man-friend José innocently asked her. And, almost collectively, the women of the house rose up and went in a different direction. José also managed to be at the nexus of the equally fascinating Fossil watch issue, which, in a nutshell, is that José bought Angelina a Fossil watch that immediately became some kind of sexual dowry. In the words of Situation, “José’s taken Angelina on a number of dates, buying her a Fossil watch — I don’t know how much it was, $39.99, $49.99 — the man should be smashed.” (Actually, similar watches on the Fossil site fall in the $85 to $100 range, but whatever.) And so, in keeping with the spirit of everyone’s insanity and the crucialness of the Fossil watch, we’ll hand out (imaginary) Fossil watches to the castmates who deserve them.

Situation: Two Pristine Fossil Watches
More of an observer this week, Mike calmly hits the beach and the club to creep on girls. But why is his sister sitting on his lap like that? Has he given her a Fossil watch?

Ronnie: One Barely Functioning Fossil Watch
Ron and Sam are finally at peace (with each other, at least), and he even takes her out on a romantic date. (“Smoosh?” “Oh, we’ll smoosh later.”) Back at the house, he can be seen humping the back of Sam’s head, but she’s fine with it, so all is well. He might’ve earned another Fossil watch, but he does push Vinny at the beginning of the episode, screaming, “You started it” like a second-grader. Credit to Ron, however, for taking Vinny aside later and sorting it out.

Snooki: An Armful of Fossil Watches
Although Snooki starts the episode off shrieking and stomping, she calms down enough to meet a nice-looking young gentleman named Dennis and “get it in [her].” She even lotions her butt for him, explaining, “if it’s a smoosh, you gotta put lotion on your butt.” Truth. She also cleans the “communal smoosh room,” which apparently took some effort. She’s mean to Dennis’s friend, however — the one who was supposed to be JWOWW’s eye candy — calling him a “grenade grundle chode” (GGC) and treating him like garbage. Not as badly as Jenni, though, but we’ll get to that. She also makes JWOWW listen to her hook up with Dennis, which, gross.

Pauly D: Three Fossil Watches
Pauly was all sunshine this week, throwing one-liners right and left — “Nothing like a nice herpe to ruin the party”; “Whatever happens, happens; I’ve got the best blowout in the country”; and “If I buy you a Fossil watch, can I suck on them tits?” Sure!

Vinny: One Broken Fossil Watch
The buildup of his sexual tension with Angelina this episode was incredible to watch (to Fossil-watch). It started out whimperingly, with ugly, infantile insults: “I wish you fuckin’ would have beat up Angelina. Fat bitch,” (to Ronnie, warranting the broken Fossil watch) and “You’re the Rob Kardashian of Staten Island” (to Angelina). (Incidentally, Rob Kardashian is actually a model.) A few drinks, however, brings the situation to a breaking point, and they tumble into each other’s mouths while everyone watches. The happy couple then retreat to Vinny’s bed, where he can be seen reaching for a condom. Love, hate — thin line. That’d be two possible smooshes for Vin this episode — one with Angelina, one (maybe?) with Ryan, the girl from the club who’s the “most beautiful girl [he’s] seen in Miami.” In Angelina’s eyes, however, Ryan was “a grenade.”

Angelina — One Fossil Watch, From José
The Angelina “Jolie” train wreck soldiers on! Fresh off her rejected profession of love to Pauly, Angie turns her sights on Vinny. At first she’s venomous as only Angelina can be, threatening to “trash his name on Staten Island” and saying “He’s not even good-looking. He needs to jump off the I’m good-looking train, because he’s ugly.” Choo choo! (Later, though, post-hookup, she admits, “Vinny’s cute. I’m down for it, I don’t care.”) Before Vinny, however, there was José, who shows up at the gelato shop — looking very handsome, by the way — to give her the much-remarked-upon watch. As we mentioned, though, José then makes the error of later calling Angelina and warning her to “behave” on her night out at the club. So Angelina’s like, no, I’ll do the opposite, and turns her craziness on Vinny.

JWOWW and Sammi: No Fossil Watches
Jesus Christ, ladies. (Also, remember when people used to get kicked off reality shows for hitting others? What happened to that? Because JWOWW should basically be in jail at this point.) Let’s do an assault count: Jenni shoved Sammi, throwing her to the ground. Sammi fought back, landing punches and bringing Jenni to the ground. Jenni brandished a plate and threw it at Ronnie, then Sammi grabbed another plate (or similar flatware item) and threw it at Jenni’s head when she wasn’t looking. (Aren’t the camera people legally bound to intervene at some point?) As Pauly described the post-brawl scenario, “There’s hair extensions, there’s fingernails, there’s a tuna fish sandwich. It’s like World War III went down last night.” Sammi, however, is strangely, almost erotically, euphoric. “I’m basking in it right now. … This is probably like the best accomplishment that I’ve had in a long time. To literally kick the shit out of Jenni.” Literally.

Anyway, once everyone calms down and collects their hair, Sam at least can bring herself to go to work, despite the numerous missing fingernails. Jenni, however, cannot. “I will not be attending work today because I have to get my nails fixed,” she explains to her boss over the phone. So, maybe a Fossil watch buckle to Sammi. And negative Fossil watches to JWOWW for the way she treated the GGC. She actually walked in, looked at him, put up her hand like “I can’t deal with this,” and looked away. Jenni! You can’t do that to people. The GGC wasn’t even bad-looking. He had a nice smile, good skin, and he was tall. Be a nicer person. Good job, though, cleaning the communal smoosh room. You looked cute in that bag.