Results Shows Now Officially the Best Part of American Idol

On Wednesday, USA Today asked the same question that we did a week ago: Was American Idol’s brutal dismissal of Alexis Grace last Wednesday too mean? Thanks to this year’s hilarious new “Judge’s Save” rule, ousted contestants are effectively eliminated twice — once by America’s vote and again when the judges opt not to rescue them — but while Alexis’s double offing last week did feel a little cruel (mostly because she didn’t really deserve to go home), the hammer came down on annoying roughneck Michael Sarver last night, and it was pretty great.

We’re sure Sarver’s secretly a nice guy, but he’s not much of a singer, and he was also one of those obnoxious contestants who thought that arguing with Simon Cowell would somehow endear him to people who watch American Idol. When on the receiving end of any completely deserved criticism, he would always shoot back,”I respect that, but I think you’re wrong,” or “I was just having fun out there,” just like a million other jerks before him on Idol, as if their fun somehow made up for shitty singing, or as though people actually watch this show for any other reason than to see these people suffer. Sarver deserved to be eliminated for the past three weeks, and the fact that he finally got the lowest number of votes was only surprising because it took this long.

After Ryan Seacrest delivered the news, he asked Simon if he thought the judges might use their save. Though there was obviously no chance of that happening, Simon still did an effective job of creating some illusion of possibility. “If he sings well enough” in his final performance, said Simon, “we’ll save him. If he doesn’t, we won’t.” Also, after Michael had finished terribly singing the same song he’d terribly sung on Wednesday, Simon claimed that he’d not yet made up his mind and drew out his decision for another minute or so. Then, Michael was unceremoniously sent back to work on an oil rig.

Can the competition shows this season ever possibly match the drama of the results ones? We doubt it! We like Anoop, we guess, and Allison’s okay, but besides Adam Lambert, none of the remaining contestants have personalities interesting enough that they might accidentally make for compelling television with their singing. Only with their deaths! And now that Adam’s earned his highest-ever acclaim for a toned-down performance on Wednesday’s totally boring Motown show, we have to wonder how entertaining he’ll be from now on.

Sure, results shows make us sit through those terrible Ford commercials, the awful, lip-synced group numbers, sweaty performances from Ruben Studdard, and whatever the heck Joss Stone was doing last night, but those last five minutes are motherfucking awesome. You’re next, Scott MacIntyre!