Raising a shy kid? You can help them open up.

Growing up, Emily Gill resented being told she was shy, and when she finally did warm up to the adults in her life, she disliked being told she was “coming out of her shell” or “blossoming.” “I was being quiet so nobody would pay attention,” she says. “And you’re telling me that you noticed that I was doing that?”

As an adult, Gill, 42, says her introversion and shyness are assets. As a school counselor in Tennessee, she works primarily with upper elementary and middle school-aged students. “I’m able to really understand that population of students that I work with,” she says. The key to getting a shy kid to open up, Gill says, is to help them realize their strengths while giving them the space to be brave on their own.

Most kids experience some of the standard hallmarks of shyness, like reticence when entering a classroom with a new teacher and classmates, says Koraly Pérez-Edgar, a professor of child studies at Penn State University. But a smaller contingent — estimated to be about 15 percent of children — show those behaviors often enough to be considered shy, she says.

Shyness is generally understood to be a fear of new people or social situations, says Raha Hassan, an assistant professor of psychology at Western University who studies shyness. It’s a separate experience from introversion, where people recharge their social batteries with alone time, or social anxiety, a clinical disorder where people may even be fearful of people or social scenarios they’re very comfortable with. It’s possible to be shy, introverted, and socially anxious — or to simply be shy.

Shy tendencies are neither a net positive nor negative. Some research has suggested shy elementary school kids experience social exclusion and victimization, exhibit low self-esteem, may be less engaged in class, and suffer from poor academic performance. However, shy people may be more effective empathetic listeners, more socially observant, and have a higher sensitivity to social threat. “These kids are good listeners,” says Robert Coplan, a professor of psychology at Carleton University whose research touches on shyness and solitude. “They’re seen as quiet leaders. They encourage a good discussion in the group about different ways that people behave.”

Children are unique in how shyness presents itself. As early as 3 years old, kids may be weary of novel routines or unfamiliar people, and cling to their parents in social situations. As they get older, they become more concerned with what others think of them, Hassan says.

“Adults are able to understand more clearly what is and is not socially appropriate. Even though an adult might be feeling really scared when they’re going to do an interview or going to a new school or moving away for college, they might not necessarily display a lot of fear or anxiety,” she says. “Whereas for children … fear might come out more during that time, just because they can’t inhibit as well as adults, and they also might not understand why, for example, clinging to your mother might be viewed in a specific way by other adults and children.”

The start of a new school year, with its myriad new schedules and faces, can be a particularly difficult time for shy kids. Parents and caregivers don’t need to — and shouldn’t — change their child’s disposition. But there are strategies to encourage timid toddlers through middle schoolers to seek out social connections by identifying their fears and making unfamiliar activities more routine. “It’s not that we want to make sure kids aren’t shy,” Pérez-Edgar says. “We want to make sure that their shyness doesn’t inhibit them from finding their place in the world.”

Often, adults point out a child’s shyness to excuse their behavior, Coplan says. Take, for instance, a familiar scene: A child buries their head in their parent’s lap when a strange adult introduces themselves. Parents should avoid quipping, “She’s just shy,” since it sends the child a message that being shy is a fixed aspect of their personality, Coplan says.

Similarly, parents should challenge other adults who label their kid as shy by saying, “Sometimes he feels a little bit nervous or uncomfortable when he meets a new person. I’m going to give him a couple of minutes to warm up, and after a while, he’ll give you a high five or wave.”

“Now you’re saying to your child — who’s listening to you — I understand you’re feeling this way,” Coplan says. “Take a little bit of time, catch your breath, feel a little bit better, but there’s still an expectation that you’re going to try to do something: wave and say hello.”

Teachers, coaches, and other caregivers should also avoid drawing attention to a child who seems satisfied working, reading, or playing by themselves, says Heather Henderson, a professor of psychology at the University of Waterloo who also studies shyness in children. “For a kid who is entertaining themselves, even if it’s by themselves, leave them be,” she says. “I think it’s really hard for kids to be told they should behave some other way. I think that puts the pressure on.”

Alternatively, if a child looks nervous or uncomfortable on the periphery while watching other kids interact, an adult may need to step in with suggestions, Henderson says, like asking if they want to read a book or help with a task.

Instead of harping on some perceived deficit, parents can build up their kids’ confidence by outlining their strengths, Gill says. Are they generous? A good listener? Have an excellent imagination? “It helps a kid to think about what somebody is getting out of a friendship with them,” she says.

Experts use a swimming analogy when discussing strategies for helping shy kids open up: You want to ease them into the pool and avoid throwing them in the deep end. That is, don’t push them too hard to face their fears or they may become too overwhelmed and shut down. “Taking a sobbing, crying child and dropping them off at the soccer field” is kind of like throwing them into the deep end, Pérez-Edgar says.

Kids tend to feel shy most often in novel situations. If you can specifically understand what they’re most concerned about, you can help address these fears, Hassan says. For kids who are generally shy in school, what aspects of the day scare them? Do they not know who is going to be on the bus? Are they unsure of where their classroom is? Are they afraid of speaking up in class?

Don’t minimize their concerns, Pérez-Edgar says, or say they’re being dramatic. It can also be helpful to remind your kids that plenty of other children have the same fears as they do.

Once you understand their explicit worries, you can help make these unknowns more familiar. That might mean meeting the teacher or coach before the first day to understand what a typical day or practice looks like, touring the school, walking with your kid to the bus stop, or carpooling to practice with your child’s best friend. Coplan suggests letting the teacher know your child gets a little nervous speaking up in class and asking if they could have a few weeks to get comfortable.

If your kid is generally skittish interacting with any new person, Coplan suggests setting goals for each time they meet someone new. The first time they’re greeted by someone they don’t want to talk to, they just have to make eye contact. “Then the next time they have to give them a wave. And the time after that, they have to give them a high five or shake their hand,” he says. “The time after that, they have to say their name.”

Take time to encourage your kid when they get outside their comfort zone, Hassan says. Remind them how brave they were and how much fun they had. This can be helpful if they’re feeling hesitant before another birthday party, for instance. You can say, “Remember how last time you were really scared to go to Olivia’s birthday party and how much fun you actually had?”

“Remind them that they felt like this before, and they did something hard,” Hassan says, “and that something really good happened.”

It’s normal for parents to want to shield their children from unpleasant experiences. Still, giving them a free pass to skip out on anything that makes them wary reinforces the notion that avoidance is an effective coping strategy, Henderson says. “But in the long term, it’s making it so much harder for the kid to actually do what eventually they have to learn how to do,” she says.

Even if kids are distressed, they need to go to school or daycare, experts say. You can limit their extracurricular activities to one or two, but research has found that participation in organized hobbies outside of school can boost self-esteem, resiliency, and grades.

Rather than pull a child from gymnastics because they felt nervous before the first practice, remind them that you’ll be there the whole time watching them, Henderson says. They might also find it helpful to sit by you and simply watch the first few minutes and then hit the field when they’re ready, Pérez-Edgar says. Eventually, your child won’t need that warm-up time. But if they’re consistently miserable during extracurriculars for weeks on end, the activity might not be a great fit, Henderson says, and you can consider letting them drop out.

If their distress escalates to crying, forcing them to attend that birthday party or playdate may only reinforce their fears. Pérez-Edgar says it’s okay to skip out this time, but it doesn’t mean your child will never go to another birthday party again.

Accept that progress won’t be linear, Coplan says. Some days, they may get on the bus without a hitch, while others are laden with tears. On the not-so-good days, validate their concerns — tell them you understand that they’re scared — but remind them of the importance of talking to other kids and making friends. “That’s what we’re trying to do here,” Coplan says, “[remind them] that it’s fun to play with other kids and it’s important to be able to talk to your teacher.”

The truth is that some children prefer solitary activities and feel most comfortable with a handful of deep friendships. There’s nothing wrong with that. “You’re not going to need to make your child homecoming queen,” Pérez-Edgar says. “Let them have enough space and time and supportive environment to have one or two good friends, and that will carry them a long way.”