Reality dating shows need to reckon with their toxic men problem

The men on reality dating shows have always been somewhat disappointing.

There was Shake Chatterjee, the Love Is Blind veterinarian who obliquely asked several women about their weight. There was Luke P., the born-again Christian who slut-shamed Bachelorette Hannah Brown for daring to sleep with men on the show. And there was Trevor Sova, the project manager who still had a girlfriend back home when he sought out fame on Netflix.

Even by these standards, however, this year’s crop of contenders stands out.

In the case of The Bachelorette, Devin Strader, the past season’s winner, was the subject of a 2017 restraining order, which he both reportedly violated and lied about. On The Golden Bachelorette, contestant Gil Ramirez also had a restraining order filed against him shortly before filming, though a court dismissed it. And a second Golden Bachelorette contestant, Guy Gansert, had a temporary restraining order filed against him as well in 2021, though it was eventually voluntarily dropped by his ex-wife.

This season of Love Is Blind had its own deceptive dater, too.

In one of the franchise’s more staggering twists, Tyler Francis, a DC nuclear security officer, revealed he had three children that he never told his partner about before getting engaged. Francis — whose wedding on the show was streamed on Netflix this week — also reportedly lied about his relationship with the children, statements that have since been publicly contested by the kids’ mother. And while Francis has said other conversations addressing the subject were cut during editing, the misrepresentation of his past that we do see is nonetheless shocking.

Drama and messiness are the lifeblood of reality TV, and often the reason most viewers tune in. But these recent revelations raise questions about how well these programs actually screen contestants — and whether reality shows are not only failing to protect the women who participate, but also feeding into storylines at their expense.

“When different dating programs do not do their due diligence in casting, especially when it comes to background checks for potential male participants, it jeopardizes the safety of women on the show,” Fordham University communication and media studies professor Brandy Monk-Payton told Vox.

While this year’s contestants have felt like a nadir, problematic men on reality TV are not a recent phenomenon.

“I think it’s always been this way,” says Kathryn VanArendonk, a Vulture features writer who has written about Love Is Blind and The Bachelor franchise. “There have been plenty of incidents on [The Bachelor] and other reality shows in the past that are, like, really alarming and toxic, and it’s very easy to forget about them because so many seasons come out.”

VanArendonk recalls the 2016 casting of Chad Johnson on The Bachelorette, who was known for violent outbursts onscreen, and who was arrested for domestic violence after his time on the show. Jake Pavelka, the lead from The Bachelor’s 2010 season, was also criticized by winner Vienna Girardi as being emotionally abusive. In an interview following that season, Pavelka can be seen shouting at Girardi, accusing her of interrupting him and telling her to “be quiet” while he was talking.

In 2013, The Bachelorette contestant Brad McKinzie spoke about his arrest for domestic violence while he appeared on a date with Desiree Hartsock, noting that producers were aware of his past, but that the charges were dismissed. And in 2018, Lincoln Adim appeared on The Bachelorette after facing allegations of assault and battery of a woman on a cruise ship two years earlier.

After filming wrapped on Season 3 of Love Is Blind, information emerged that contestant Brennon Lemieux faced past allegations of domestic violence as well. A Netflix representative told the Daily Beast that the charges against Lemieux were dropped, but did not provide additional comment.

“I think there’s been predators in every single season of any show cast with men,” Lizzy Pace, a co-host of reality tv podcast Game of Roses, told Vox. These shows, some of which reportedly ply contestants with alcohol and film them for long hours, have also been criticized for creating stressful environments that further aggravate tense situations.

Two contestants from Season 5 of Love Is Blind — Tran Dang and Renee Poche — have since sued the production companies behind the show and accused them of putting the contestants into unsafe environments. Dang, who did not appear in any of the edited episodes, alleges she was sexually assaulted by her partner on the show; Poche alleges that her partner was violent and emotionally abusive. Love Is Blind producers have said they were not aware of Dang’s concerns during filming, with the show’s production companies, Kinetic Content and Delirium TV, calling them “meritless.” Netflix did not immediately respond to a request for comment about Poche’s allegations.

In less serious cases, behavior on popular dating shows has been merely toxic — more like Francis’s and involving lying or cheating. There are numerous examples of men in serious relationships with other people shortly before the show or even during filming, including, famously, The Bachelorette’s Jed Wyatt, and Love Is Blind’s Sova. In Love Is Blind’s most recent season, contestant Stephen Richardson was caught sexting a woman who was not his fiancée while the show was filming.

All of these instances have spurred questions about how the programs — which tout lengthy surveys, psychological evaluations, and background checks as part of their vetting process — have repeatedly failed to catch serious allegations or compromising relationships.

VanArendonk says she doesn’t think these mistakes are purposeful; the recurring missteps, however, suggest that there are serious gaps in the vetting process.

Contestants may scrub their social media accounts, for example, in order to mislead producers. Background checks may also not be thorough enough, particularly when law enforcement records for documents such as restraining orders could be missed depending on the parameters of the sweep. And calls to ex-partners or family members are rarely part of these screenings — even when those could serve as helpful resources to flag behavioral issues.

Jazzy Collins, a former casting producer on The Bachelor and The Bachelorette, says it’s plausible that producers genuinely miss certain details about a person’s background due to time and budget constraints. Producers are often casting multiple seasons at a time, she noted. There are likely instances when producers know information and choose not to disclose it, though, she says.

“I think it’s a mixture of both,” Collins told Vox. “There are surprises that happen on set, but I also do believe that sometimes producers do have that information, and they’re keeping it in their back pocket, and then it’s going to be a reveal on the show.”

A source close to The Bachelorette and Bachelor productions told Vox that producers did not find Strader’s restraining order during the vetting process. (According to The Hollywood Reporter, there was public information about an arrest involving Strader allegedly burglarizing his ex-girlfriend’s apartment.) The source also noted that Ramirez’s restraining order was filed after the vetting process was completed, and said the show became aware of the filing before production, but that Ramirez was still able to appear on the program. His appearance on the show was heavily edited out.

The source also noted that the show was aware of the temporary restraining order against Gansert, but since his ex-wife voluntarily dismissed it, he was cleared to participate. The source did not immediately respond to questions about whether the show had made improvements in casting practices to prevent future missteps.

A Netflix spokesperson did not immediately respond to a request for comment about Love Is Blind’s casting practices.

Francis has acknowledged he did not disclose his three children on his Love Is Blind application. It’s not clear, however, whether producers were aware of the situation, because Francis had previously allegedly posted images of them to his social media.

The harms of all these casting misses are ultimately borne by women appearing on these shows. As contestants, they’re particularly vulnerable because they do not know the other participants, and also don’t have means to research or vet potential suitors.

“It comes at a huge risk and cost to the women who have gone into one of these ‘dating experiments’ in good faith and who don’t have access to typical safeguards [like] access to the internet, the ability to get to know the men over a long period of time, etcetera,” says clinical psychologist Isabelle Morley, who’s written about Love Is Blind for Psychology Today.

Women who get paired off with liars or someone who has misrepresented their past may feel duped or betrayed. And even more concerning is that those who are paired with people who have displayed volatile behavior — like Tran and Poche allege — may feel unsafe or experience abuse.

“If you’re endangering other cast members … that’s absolutely against everything any network should be,” Collins says.

By elevating men with histories of violence, these shows are also implicitly condoning them by giving them a platform.

“The message it sends is that it’s okay for men to have a concerning past with women,” Morley says.

Lying and cheating are also effectively normalized. Although such actions aren’t as serious as issues of violence, they still set up traumatic experiences for women on these shows, and amplify troublesome ideas of how men can treat their partners.

These failings fuel cynicism among viewers and undercut the premises of the shows themselves — including the idea that people can find real love in the process.

In casting people who have problematic pasts, or who aren’t on the show in good faith, producers make it harder to believe in the promise these programs purportedly offer.

“The kind of sorrow that we like in these shows as an audience, I think, is heartbreak,” Chad Kultgen, a co-host of the Game of Roses podcast, says. “It’s not, like, terror.”