61 Thoughts I Had While Watching Sweethearts

While it’s legendarily hard to write a rom-com, it is comparatively easy to play armchair critic—which is why I’m quite glad to have my job. Today, we’ll be going deep on Sweethearts, Jordan Weiss’s directorial debut about two college kids and longtime best friends trying to navigate LDRs with their high school flames. (Word to the wise: Just break up, kids. It’s called the Turkey Drop for a reason!) I, for one, will tune into any movie that features my sweet Sally Draper—a.k.a. Kiernan Shipka—and I’ve been a near-equal fan of skateboarder and actor Nico Haraga ever since I first saw him Booksmart. So let’s dive into Sweethearts, shall we?

1. Finally, something good about college!
2. Aw, prom.
3. I famously did not attend my prom, but at least I’m spared a bunch of embarrassing photos of me in formalwear by a lake.
4. Caleb Hearon!
5. I don’t mind this exposition-via-Polaroid, TBH.
6. What are these hideous royal blue sheets? Love yourselves more, college kids!
7. Having a roommate at 18 years old is so unnatural.
8. I don’t know if I’m ready to hear Sally Draper have phone sex, even if it is fake.
9. This is a very nice college cafeteria. Should I apply here?
10. God, Nico is mad cute.
11. Drinking in your bedroom…thank God that doesn’t survive freshman year.
12. Is that Alison Brie?
13. Okay, not at all. That’s a youth.
14. Skipping class to take a nap is sooooooo real. I support you, Kiernan!
15. This poster that just reads “VIBES” in different fonts is epic, and Urban Outfitters was definitely selling one when I was a freshman in college.
16. I like this inclusive girl roommate, even if she seems kind of mean at times!
17. God, the logistics of procuring alcohol underage sucked so hard. I’m so glad I’m 31.
18. Also, doing laundry communally sucked. Thank God for wash n’ fold.
19. There’s really no reason to join a sorority if you already have a friend or two, Kiernan.
20. Jesus, Kiernan’s bullying backstory is rough.
21. Caleb Hearon is in Paris!
22. Wearing a little beret and everything!
23. “Oh my God, a party? You guys are crazy!” Caleb’s line delivery for president.
24. I want to wrap these kids in foil and fireman-carry them out of this frat party.
25. “Don’t leave this party without me” is a very wise thing to say to your guy friend.
26. OMG, are they playing Edward 40 Hands? Game of my youth!
27. Girls, you can’t just be registering your cheating ex-boyfriends as sex offenders. That’s serious business (albeit funny).
28. Horny freshman guys must give consent too, random curly-haired grinding girl!
29. Never pee on Sally Draper!
30. So now everyone thinks Kiernan and Nico are hooking up?
31. They’re planning to dump their high school flames on Thanksgiving Eve.
32. Obsessed with this Grease sexual roleplay.
33. If your roommate takes your car without permission, you can report it as stolen, just FYI.
34. Taking a bus to or from Ohio over Thanksgiving break? Babes, I’ve done it, and it’s not the best, but it’s also not the worst.
35. STAVROS!
36. Making a gay guy go to a high school football game…unacceptable.
37. Okay, Nico’s girlfriend isn’t exactly nailing the national anthem, but at least she’s trying?
38. Nico and Kiernan’s exes are obviously going to hook up, right?
39. What is up with this girl’s tiny, flat beret?
40. I love this peppy mom who’s actually excited to see her kid and his friend at Thanksgiving.
41. Obsessed with this Japanese-American dad saying “gay guy.”
42. Tea on Prince Charles treating Diana horribly!
43. Caleb Hearon is slaying this coming-out rehearsal montage.
44. Gay football plotline!
45. Oh, shit, is Caleb going to hook up with the football coach with the Pete Buttigieg sticker on his car? Breaking down barriers!
46. Okay, no, the coach is much older and has a boyfriend, which seems like it’s setting Caleb up for more queer success.
47. Fake IDs not working back home? Likely thing to happen.
48. There’s a queer bowling league in Ohio?
49. I’m actually really into how not-phoned-in this gay plotline feels.
50. Oh man, Kiernan’s bully is cornering her and I do not love it.
51. I feel like I almost lived with this spiral-haired actress in a Brooklyn apartment, but I’m not completely sure.
52. Caleb riding on a fire truck is iconic.
53. How did Kiernan even end up dating this basic-ass football bro in the first place?
54. I’m starting to feel really disenchanted with Nico’s high school girlfriend’s baby voice.
55. Oh damn, Kiernan and Nico’s partners find out what they’re up to and summarily dump them. Problem solved, I guess?
56. If your first kiss with your longtime true love isn’t busted up by the cops, is it even a high school party?
57. It’s weird between them now, but at least Caleb has a boyfriend.
58. Watching When Harry Met Sally after Thanksgiving and realizing you’re in love with your bestie? Classic.
59. Time for a little classic mom advice!
60. Aw, they’re a thing, even though he’s leaving to spend a semester in Copenhagen!
61. Okay, I thoroughly enjoyed that movie. Let’s go, Jordan Weiss!