Q. I can’t stand my son’s fiancée. While I love him very much — and we have a close relationship — he lives several hundred miles away in Glasgow. Because of this he has continued to holiday with me and my husband since leaving home five years ago, and this annual break is when we spend the most amount of time together. My son and his girlfriend are getting married next year; for our next trip all four of us are due to go for a week in Andalusia. I want to be delighted for him, but I can’t stand her obsession with herself — even having coffee with her is a challenge. How will I cope with a full week without doing something I — or they — regret?
A. In Britain one must marry, simply to stave off hypothermia. But what to do if your future daughter-in-law gives you a bad case of social frostbite? Can you don some emotional thermals to prevent her chilly reception from ruining your family holiday?
Your letter implies that your son’s fiancée has love bites on her mirror but you don’t go into details about what is actually pushing your buttons. You say how often you must bite your tongue in her egotistical company — well, a week away together and your tongue will be so perforated it could strain pasta.
So, the question is, just how badly do you want to get rid of her? Because a holiday offers the perfect opportunity. May I suggest a clifftop walk; just the two of you? A hot-air balloon ride… with a hat pin and only one parachute?… Only joking. Clearly myown tongue is planted firmly in my cheek because I must admit to a few qualms about your question. First, you don’t mention your husband’s reaction. Does he feel the same way? Or is it just you? I have no doubt you’ve raised a lovely son, so why would he choose a partner who isn’t?
Perhaps your future daughter-in-law is having the same conversation with your son about how much she dislikes you? (Hint: avoid clifftop walks and hot-air balloons.)
I say this because your letter made me recall a painful holiday in my twenties with my fiancé’s parents. From the moment we announced our engagement, his mother’s condescending comments left me in no doubt of her determination to break us up. Once ensconced in our New Zealand villa, she began her sabotage with nightly games of Trivial Pursuit. Her perfect scores clearly indicated that she’d memorised all the answers to ensure that I appeared to have the IQ of a pot plant.
When her son was not turned off by the fact that his paramour was operating on auxiliary plankton power, his mother tried another ruse. Months before she’d probed me for details of the sporting activities I loathed — only for me to now find them all slotted into our itinerary. I suspected she’d recruited a personal trainer prior to our holiday, which meant that she could casually crank out a pre-breakfast 10k beach run before doing 30 lengths — of butterfly — in the outdoor pool. She’d then effortlessly climb two alps before abseiling back down for some dressage before lunch, while I was left panting on the sidelines. All I was able to run up were bills for air ambulances and chiropractors.
Shortly afterwards she got her way — her son was once more footloose and fiancée-free. But he never really forgave her controlling behaviour.
Holidays can “hot house” relationships, putting immense pressure on everyone to have the perfect time. Well, what could make it more perfect than all getting along? A holiday together affords the ideal opportunity to focus on your son’s fiancée’s good points. It also offers the chance to show her your kind, wise and welcoming side.
That said, take a few precautions. Book a hotel, rather than a villa, so you can make a tactical retreat when needed. Breathing space is also vital — agree to do your own thing on some nights. And perhaps invite along a genial pal who gets on with everyone; the ham in the social sandwich, if you will.
We’ve all endured irksome plus-ones on communal or family holidays. I was once stranded for a whole week aboard HMS Claustrophobia with a group of bankers who put the bore into Bordeaux. I found that the best way to dilute their dull company was with games and activities — charades, Pictionary, quoits and, best of all, scuba diving, where nobody can talk at all.
You obviously adore your son, but maybe a little too much? Is it time to page Dr Freud to reception? Why not use this vacation to cut the psychological umbilical cord and let your lad get on with his life? Starting with allowing him to make his own choice of “altar” ego.
But, after all your best efforts, if your future daughter-in-law is still hellbent on going through the tunnel of love holding her own hand, then maybe you should feel free to book that scuba dive in shark-infested waters.
Kathy’s top trips
Villa near the sea
One way to get the benefits of a villa holiday without feeling isolated is to book a holiday home within a hotel — self-catering with nerve-saving room service or restaurants as required. Marbella Club, 35 minutes’ drive from the airport, has large three-bedroom villas with a kitchen, pool and, importantly, en suite bathrooms for every bedroom.
Details One night’s self-catering for six from £2,206 (mrandmrssmith.com). Fly to Malaga
Head for the hills
Sometimes a beach holiday means everyone has too much time to dwell while on a lounger. La Zambra Resort, set in the Mijas hills overlooking the Costa del Sol, is the answer. Both Malaga and Marbella are about 40 minutes’ drive and the golf course is just next door, while half-day hikes and spa treatments will mean you have ready-made escape routes if you need a breather.
Details B&B doubles from £253 (hyatt.com). Fly to Malaga
Give the Algarve a go
I know it’s not your preferred choice of Spain but the Algarve resort of Vila Vita Parc is an unbeatable location for the sort of two-gen family break you need. There’s a big selection of accommodation options from rooms to duplexes, a fabulously Instagrammable Sunday brunch, huge spa and off-site activities, including wine tasting, that will appeal to your gang.
Details Seven nights’ B&B from £1,222pp, including flights (britishairways.com)
Do you need Kathy’s help with a travel problem? Email us at [email protected]
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