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And ANOTHER Thing About a Brazilian Wax!
There is absolutely no predicting people. People who read DIY blogs, this one in particular, are as unpredictable as a cat in a butterfly conservatory. If someone were to run into any single one of you they'd probably think you were a perfectly respectable person at first glance. A stand up citizen who refills their gas tank before it gets below ¼ of a tank and who wears different underwear every single day.
But you're not. You're a bunch of teenage boys. A gaggle of pimply faced, adolescent teens, standing in front of the mirror looking at the 4 hairs on your upper lip which look exactly like the 4 hairs on the upper lip of your younger sister, only you've put a little mascara on yours to make them look more lush. Which will attract all kinds of praise while you hold your place in line for the next Star Wars movie.
A few weeks ago I ran out of things to talk about so I posed a vocabulary question to you in a well researched and articulated post where I talked about pee pees.
Here's a picture of a kitten for those of you who are getting uncomfortable.
A lot of you get my posts by email. Every time I publish a new post, it immediately pops into your inbox. I can judge how much interest a post has generated based on how many of you open that email and then how many of you click on it to read it further.
You, the mothers, the wives, the daughters, the fathers, the uncles and brothers clicked on the pee pee post more than almost any other post in a year. So even though you claim to be interested in the more highbrow topics I offer such as The Frozen Yogourt Tampon you actually just want to learn everything you can about wieners.
The post, in case you somehow missed it, was a linguistic experiment of sorts, requiring readers to state what terms they use to describe a certain male body part. Like all of my posts, it was done in a most grown up and tasteful way which was instantly recognizable by the fact that I only used the word gonorrhoea once.
I also had a record number of people opt out of receiving my informative emails after the pee pee post was published, which is GREAT because it means you and I can continue to be fun and laugh and build things and make fart jokes without worrying about any people with actual standards trying to stop us from educating ourselves on topics of global importance like why getting a full Brazilian wax means you'll never be able to muffle your toots.
It's a well known fact that Brazilian waxes (distinguishable from regular waxes by the Brazilian waxer's calling card, a crown made out of pubic hair ) involve removing all the bodily hair that runs between your chin and your toes. Front and back. Yes, that includes the anus. You probably didn't realize that those hairs serve, especially for ladies, a very important sanitary purpose.
When a lady expels gas from her bum hole, those anus hairs gather together and form a loving, hairy, sound muffling hug around what has the potential to be an embarrassing bodily noise. The hazy, wind blowing out of her bum at 7 mph can only be blamed on her husband, cat, dog or boss who happens to be standing beside her in the elevator if, and ONLY IF she can muffle the sound.
Once unceremoniously ripped up from the gas belching volcanus they've been guarding since adolescence, there's nothing left to do their job. Those hairs that have been stoically muting your lady wind chamber are forever released from their duties, or at least until new ones grow back. Without so much as a thank you or an excuse me.
While most people have a difficult time distinguishing where sounds come from; Is that my cell phone ringing or yours?, Is someone at the front door? Is that the television or are you talking to your mother again? humans have an uncanny ability to pinpoint exactly which bum a wind tornado escaped out of. I suspect it's some sort of primal instinct dating back to when cavemen first tried out the pull my finger joke on their wives.
I just thought it was important to let you know about the potentially embarrassing side effects of a Brazilian wax for anyone who was thinking of getting a Brazilian wax because you think *hair* is embarrassing. At least this way you'll be prepared for what's to come and might even be able to look into low cost solutions like little wearable anal wigs or something of the sort. Putting a shredded wheat down there might even do the job.
It is unfortunate that we lost a few of our ever growing members but we can all take solace in the fact that they are currently mortified in an elevator surrounded by a cloud of green gas with nobody to blame but themselves.
Have a good weekend!
p.s. that oughtta get rid of the last of them.
Oh, how I love you. Thanks for the giggles!
HahahahahHhahahahaha! Thanks for this! Good intel.
Okay ,so I'm late to this particular party, but inquiring minds want to know-if the hairs are to muffle lady fluffs, why don't men's do the same? As any one who has ever lived with a man knows, they do not! My late mum, who was indeed a lady, believed that if one was going to do that sort of thing at night, one should discretely remove to the bathroom. To her mortification, I shared the chat with my DH whose comment was to the effect that he would never get any sleep!
I’ve never loved you more! Lol keep it coming. The laughter is honestly the best Medicine for all that’s ailing us. Thank you.... pfttttt.
You look so stinking cute in that photo. Love the dress.
I am so glad to see a post from you. We've missed you! I will read absolutely anything you post (and enjoy them all)! So much important information I have missed during my lifetime---and so many laughs. Keep it up. Looking forward to seeing what all the wait and mystery is about.
You are the reason I get up in the morning! (Not really, the dogs make me get up). Sooo funny! Never ever stop being exactly who you are! I think you are just fabulous!
Isn't there a cute little rhyme about toots? Something like "Toot toot the better you feel! Toot toot..." I can't remember the next line. Sigh. I must have had a brain fart.
LOL - ah yes if you recall my husband suggested when you first posted about it that a “poopée” is needed to muffle fart sounds. Haha
I would subscribe twice if I could!
After the year we've had, I'll take irreverent humor wherever I can find it. Thank you from the bottom of my ❤ for making me (and my partner, who loves hearing a woman's take on such 'unmentionables') LOL!!
OMG....LMAO (without any lady wind escaping), but did almost pee myself (sadly, I am of an age that this has become the norm rather than a very rare event). Karen, you are an inspiration to all and I for one and glad that anyone without a sense of humor, or the ability to laugh at themselves from time to time, has dropped off. They would only bring it down and I for one look forward to your posts without filters!
Keep up the good (hilariously funny) work and I can't wait for your new project to be launched - I signed up the day you sent out the note about it and have been patiently waiting to see what you've been up to! :)
Please reserve a cardboard box for me!
Agreed with all your other readers... good riddance to those prudes! I was laughing out loud in bed - Hubbie is relieved I’m reading something that brings me joy - we’re also in Ontario with all these murky rules 😳. BTW - LOVE the random picture of you - LOVE the hair and pretty dress 👍
Karen! You are a riot!!! I’m glad I didn’t put my make up on for my daily con call about absolutely nothing. Love a good laugh. Keep the pee pee humour. Those who don’t like it...life must be very humdrum.
This just makes me want to follow you for life. I sometimes wonder if we are related.
Open mindedness will widen your friend base by thousands......close mindedness only serves to isolate.
Very true! ~ karen
HAHAHAHAHA can’t stop laughing!
I absolutely love your sense of humor and YESSS keep it coming and YESS agree with all above comments!!!
Love your post. And that’s a great picture if you.
Karen, your emails are the best part of my morning! Second only to my coffee. Actually wait, sometimes the coffee is not that great soooo, I think your blog posts are often the best part.
Today, the coffee was quite excellent but THIS POST! OMG - let me just say the coffee didn’t stand a chance. In fast, your post was so funny some of the coffee ended up on the table and my iPad via my nostrils. Thanks?
😘
Ooo! A spit take. That's my favourite thing when that happens. :) (I mean when it happens to someone else - not to me of course) ~ karen!