How to eat corn on the cob so you don't give the impression you're a tiny bit psychotic. 'Cause yes, you could actually be eating your corn in a way that gives people the wrong (or maybe right) impression of you. Like you didn't have enough to worry about in life.
You're at a family BBQ or street festival and you innocently pick up a piece of corn on the cob to eat. Raising it towards your mouth, butter dripping from your wrist to your elbow, you take your first satisfying bite.
So far so good. You're on track. But be careful because curious eyes are on you the moment you start your second bite. Everyone is watching to see what you do next.
You of course don't notice because you're busy concentrating on the sweet bursts of flavour, the satisfying crunch, the pillowcase sized piece of corn wedged firmly between two molars.
Will your next bite take you ...
Straight across the cob in a line?
Or around it in circles?
For this you will be judged. It's a well-known fact that how you eat your corn is the best way to tell if you're demented.
Table of Contents
Eating corn across the long way
If you eat your cob straight across like a typewriter chances are you're pretty stable. You fold your clothes when you put them away, own a Golden Retriever and can generally be counted on to pick your spouse up from the airport on time without challenging anyone in the parking lot to a cage match.
You're eating corn the right way. The way almost everyone eats corn.
Anyone around who's watching you can relax and enjoy their day.
Eating corn in a circular pattern
If, on your next bite, you choose to start going in circles, you've got trouble.
If you eat your corn around the cob in circles it's a clear indication you could go rogue at any minute. You're a hippie, a wild child, maybe even an artist. You're basically immoral and everyone watching you knows it. YOU have parking tickets. Unpaid parking tickets. And you probably drank kombucha when everyone still thought it was a poisonous alien life form.
But you're not a complete lunatic.
Eating corn like a lunatic
Those are even easier to spot. Those are the peckers. The people who randomly lift the cob of corn to the general direction of their face and wherever their mouth meets the cob, they bite.
If you eat your corn in a non-sensical pattern, you're giving a warning sign to everyone around you. One bite here, one bite there, another bite over on the other side until your corn on the cob looks like it has meth mouth.
Once anyone at the BBQ sees you eating your corn like this, you might as well get your fill of everything within arm's reach. Pack smoked ribs into your purse, dump a potato salad into your pants ... whatever you need to do, because you're not going to be invited to another grilling get together ever.
I eat my corn straight across like a typewriter. I know you were wondering. And I'm wondering about you.
HOW do you eat your corn? This is an informal poll and the information will not be held against you in a court of law. Just the court of public opinion.
Probably. But honestly, who knows these days.
Mike Byers
I’m so glad you covered this insightful topic. I am a typewriter kind of guy, and this orderly method goes hand in hand with my desire to load a dishwasher “properly” which can look like a work of art in my hands. Crazy, because I am also the creative one in our house, so perhaps I am a bit “Sybil” (you youngsters will need to look that up….)
My wife is the circular nibbler, which I have viewed with suspicion for years. I have noticed her wrists have gotten bigger from all that twirling of corn cobs, but she’s kind of sexy that way…
That also explains her random dishwasher loading habits. To me, it looks as though Kevin Durant enters our kitchen and drains threes from the arc.
Also explains how she turns her milk carton with the screw-on cap facing the fridge door, thus needing to turn it around as she takes it out as well as put it away. Too much effort for me…..
Ok,ok. I’ve got issues, but that’s a whole other topic.
Thanks for the fun read.
Karen
I'm currently deciding whether one day you'll snap and begin eating your corn randomly.😐🤣 ~ karen!
Kelly
I am half typewriter, half circle kind of girl! Oh the humanity of it all. What does that say about me? I am stable, but with a little wild side mixed in. I am not a rando corn eater nor am I one to put potato salad in my pants, so I have eluded being a lunatic.
Thank you for an extremely humorous read !
CJ
Oh!!! Me too! How funny. Many similarities here (but importantly, I go in circles and have a Sheltie... previously TWO, but now our pup's housemate is a Maine Coon.)
Kelli
I'm the typewriter type. Which is ironic as I'm an Administrative Assistant, I do lots of typing for lots of bosses. LOL
But every now and then when I'm about to crack, I'm compelled to go in circles, just to blow off steam!
Troy
Ok. My kids noticed. I chomp in a spiral pattern, swirling diagonally around the ear. Love your articles, they always make laugh. Even in here.
Sara
I must argue with the logic of an organized, tidy person eating corn in a typewriter fashion. If you eat around the corn in circular fashion it allows more of that juicy butter to stay evenly on all of the kernels rather than dripping off because you are constantly rotating the cob, minimize the effects of gravity.
Audrey D.
Hahaha, I'm with you, Sara! Although I have to admit that I often start off with a circle and then switch to typewriter....or vice-versa. Only partly weird I guess ;-)
Nan
Great article!
Cherie
Oh Dear. I think I used to eat my corn like a typewriter and, yes, then I did fold my clothes properly, etc. Now I think -- note I am not sure -- that I eat it all the way around most of the time. I'm conflicted! The thing is, I married a very untidy not to say extremely disorganized person who NEVER folds clothes neatly, who tosses everything all over the place, has a tip for an office, and who has disrupted my once orderly routines. See, life changes, partners change, and habits of a lifetime change -- and not for the better apparently. Now I do not always fold my clothes properly, even sometimes toss them on a chair, am sometimes late to pick people up, do pay my parking tickets (although I'm annoyed when I get one and have won when I debated them), and perhaps it all boils down to owing a Sheltie, two in fact. They are definitely NOT Golden Retrievers. I'll see if eating corn the typewriter way changes my life substantially -- if I remember to do it that way. I'll report back during corn season.
Brenda Ann McMillen
You are too funny... Got my laugh for the day... Thank you
Lynda Ryman
I do none of the above. I cut the kernels off with a knife, scoop them into a bowl or onto my plate, and eat them with a spoon or a fork. No salty butter on my face at all 😏
Van Blarcom
Sacrilege! You eat pizza with a fork too???
too ashamed to admit it
I do. I eat corn off the cob and pizza with a knife and fork. If the mood takes me. Which is often enough.
(oh the shame...I said it out loud)
Deb Kerychuk
Like a typewriter of course! Love this article! You are my hero!
David Grant
Another reason to eat it like VAN BLARCOM: Eat the ends first as the ends will cool down first.
The middle area will stay warmer longer.
Van Blarcom
Thanks for adding that astute comment David!
Linda in Illinois
Great corn row Robin !!! Hahaha I eat mine both ways. I’m some sort of luitic for sure. Thanks Karen. Lol
James stephens
Nashville, Tennessee: After much debate, the legislature has passed a bill making typewriter style corn eating The only legal way of consuming corn in the Volunteer state, with legal challenges expected to be amounted by both lunatic and circle eating members of the populace. When asked to comment on this, Vanderbilt law professor Clint Hockum noted that After the Supreme Court found last year in State vs Big Green Enterprise that cutting zucchini in long strips was not Constitutionally protected, it is expected that the corn issue will be high on the courts plate this next session. ‘It’s simply a-maize-ing!
Van Blarcom
And just when we thought SCOTUS could not be more unamerican...
Janie
How did you know I have a Golden Retriever, fold my clothes and responsibly pick up my hubby when needed. All this because I eat corn on the cob properly?
Jan in Waterdown
And 🇨🇦🇨🇦HAPPY CANADA DAY 🇨🇦🇨🇦
to all my fellow Canucks!
Jan in Waterdown
Well, first, I was properly brought up in the 50’s and 60’s to use little plastic corn holders that looked like teeny tiny corn cobs. Stem end towards the left, typewriter style, 3 or 4 rows at a time. But, no biting out of the row! Your sample pic is all wrong. “Someone” strayed into another row. Just sayin’ 😏
Van Blarcom
And then there is the ultimate, correct method developed more than 50 years ago by a half engineer half artist brain - the most logical and intelligent way to devour every morsel while keeping the fingers and hands mostly clean. Hold the ear (of corn) with your index fingers flat against the very ends. Start on the left end if you are right-handed and chomp in a circular pattern until you have completely cleared one to two inches from the end. Then attack the right side, same procedure. Now you have relatively "clean" handles on each end for a firm grip. Starting again at the left side, clear the entire first row in an even vertical line. Return to the left end and repeat turning the ear toward you so that your smaller, sharper lower teeth start the next row, digging in and scraping up. Repeat until all kernels are no more. This method works equally well for the slow savor-the-moment consumer or the eager beaver speedster hoping for another ear before they are all gone. Frequent practice highly recommended.
Lena
I am of the rotisserie kind…. Lol
Love that word as an example. The wild child, the hippie of the group. Juicier, flavorful, it really is the way to go. 🌽
PS. Great article!!
Susan
I eat my corn like a lunatic! Funny article. I could never understand why people eat one row at a time. Must take forever! You can be sure that I will be paying closer attention to others from now on, so I can find "my people"! 🤣
Kathy Hunt
Thank you for this insightful post! For years my kids have been fascinated by the way I eat corn. Somewhat like a party trick. I see them waiting in awe for me to eat, nudging their dinner guests and saying,” See! I told you!” I eat one row at a time, just as my mother did, and hers before her. Actually I’m not sure about my Nana, but if I want my childrens’s children to harass their parents I need to amp up my story. I also do not fold my clothes much. I’m conflicted to say the least.
Becky
Typewriter all the way! And I eat all the way to the end of the row before stopping, trying not to get a kernel from the row above or below. LOL, I never realized how weird I am about corn. Thanks a lot Karen! ;)
Jan in Waterdown
You’re not weird Becky…. you’re right and refined!
Imho 😉