Help! It’s Christmas! To hell with Santa, Rudolph, Mrs. Claus and, yes, Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, too! We’re not sitting on that man’s lap this year! Nosirree, not getting down on our knees for anybody either. All you need to get through this holiday season is John Waters; St. Nick the Dick, Father Fistmas, Kris Kringleberries! Ho ho ho was never like this!

Once again Waters is touring the country on his slippery sled of sewage with his comedy bag of tricks, handing out filthy sticks and stones to bad little nonbinary boys and girls and everybody in between and beyond. Ninety minutes of Christmas jeer and holiday beatings! Go ahead, teabag that tree with your own balls and then knock it over on yourself on purpose! Scream, drag queens and kings, scream! Yes! We’re all getting cha-cha heels this year! Postage-due Christmas cards, too. We want gift-wrapped get-out-of-jail holiday coupons! Mistle-toejam! As Dawn Davenport would say, “We asked and we’d better get!” Happy hole-iday! Merry Diss-mas! We’re the gift that keeps on desperate living. It’s a John Waters Christmas and you’d better watch out!