Miss Manners: Spontaneity isn’t the best for business

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Spontaneity is often referred to as the “spice of life.” I love being spontaneous, if I can.

But now I’m being spontaneously called on with increasing frequency for meetings by a person who may become a business partner. The first time, I rearranged another engagement to meet with her spontaneously. By the third time, I said no. I couldn’t rearrange my schedule.

I feel that she doesn’t value my time. What should I tell her next time she asks me to appear spontaneously?

GENTLE READER: As you have discovered, spontaneity is less charming when it is used to justify rudeness (as it often is to explain not answering social invitations).

Miss Manners would hope that a prospective business partner would also value reliability and respect. But if that is not the case, why allow her to endanger your other professional relationships? Next time she asks, tell her, with charming spontaneity, that while you would love to, you have a prior commitment.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am the type of person whom people confide in.

But when the confidence becomes public – an illness, a divorce, a job promotion or departure – I am often asked if I was aware of the situation. I am at a loss as to how to respond.

I truly have no problem lying and saying, “No.”

How can I respond to what I think are inappropriate queries in a way that is relatively honest but not indicative of the trust placed in me?

GENTLE READER: Assuming you were too discreet to tell a third party about the confidence, Miss Manners surmises that your having known could only have been revealed through a slip on the part of another confidant – or of the confidee.

The correct response to the nosy person is misdirection: “I know it was a difficult time for him, and I know how much he appreciates being able to confide in his friends.” If your inquisitor does not understand, you could state you do not know how much your friend would want you to say.