Better Conversations: Coaching
Ourselves and Each Other to Be
More Credible, Caring and
Connected
Published in 2016 by Corwin
Printed in Canada
209 Pages
9 Chapters
Includes a companion website with
downloadable resources
About the
Author
• Jim Knight has spent more than two
decades studying professional
learning, effective teaching, and
instructional coaching.
• A research associate at the University
of Kansas Centre for Research and
Learning.
• President of the Instructional
Coaching Group and the Impact
Research Lab.
As coaches, as Think about how many times you’ve walked away
from conversations, sensing they could be more
administrators, as productive, but at a loss for how to improve them.
teachers, as • Coach ourselves and each other to become better
communicators
human beings, • Listen with empathy
it’s time to thrive. • Find common ground
• Build trust
Book Structure
• Each chapter begins with a learning map that displays the key ideas in
the chapter and some of the ways in which those ideas are connected.
• Each chapter concludes with a To Sum Up sections that restates some
of the most important ideas in the chapter.
• Each chapter has a Going Deeper section that includes suggested
books you can read to learn more about each new habit.
• The book includes forms for reflection: Looking Back, Looking At or
Looking Ahead (Chapters 3-9)
Chapter 2
1. I see conversation partners as equals: means that we do not see ourselves as
better than others and our way of interacting shows that we see the value in other
people.
2. I want to hear what others have to say: means that we see conversation as an
opportunity to learn others’ ideas and hear about their experiences.
Knowing what we believe about 3. I believe people should have a lot of autonomy: means we recognise that (a) not
giving choice frequently engenders resistance, and (b) since we define who we are
conversations is important because by the choices we make, taking away choice is dehumanising.
when our beliefs are inconsistent with 4. I don’t judge others: means that when I interact or observe, I resist the
temptation to diminish others through critical judgements. When we judge others
our actions, people might rightfully we put ourselves one-up and put them one-down.
question our authenticity. Six beliefs 5. I believe conversation should be back and forth: means I go into conversations
with humility, open to learning, and ready to discover that I might be wrong.
have been identified as foundational to
When I embrace this belief, I don’t silence myself, but I speak in a way that makes
the Better Conversation approach to it easy for others to say what they think.
interaction. 6. I believe conversation should be life-giving: means that I expect conversation to
be energising, affirmative, and generative. I usually should feel better after having
had a better conversation.
Chapter 2
Chapter 3 Chapter 2
So much of communication depends on understanding others. When we demonstrate
empathy, we see beyond our stereotypes and stop seeing people as objects. Instead,
we start to see others as the unique subjects they are.
There are two components to empathy:
• Affective empathy “is about sharing or mirroring another person’s emotions.’
• Cognitive empathy “involves making an imaginative leap and recognising that other
people have different tastes, experiences, and world views than our own.
Marshall Rosenberg (2003), sees identifying others’ needs as a crucial part of empathy.
• Listening is one of the most important Better Conversations Habits, and when
participants in global studies reviewed themselves on video, they almost always
identified listening as an area where they wanted to get better.
• If we embrace the Better Conversations Beliefs – especially that we see our
conversation partners as equals, that conversation should be back and forth, and that
we truly want to hear what the other person has to say – then we should listen with
empathy. To be effective listeners, our habits need to be consistent with our beliefs.
[Link]
Resources taudio/student-resources/chapter-3-
listening-with-empathy
online
Chapter 4
When two or more people
communicate in a way that makes it
possible for them to think together,
they move toward Habit 3 –
Fostering Dialogue. This involves
balancing advocacy and inquiry,
sharing ideas, and encouraging
others’ ideas and questions.
Chapter 5
We can improve our
questions by asking open
(opinion) questions and by
being nonjudgemental. Better
questions create
conversations that pique
curiosity, foster engagement,
and keep us fully present.
Chapter 6
Emotional connection is a critical variable that leads
to healthy versus unhealthy conversations. Habit 5,
making emotional connections involves learning
how to make and respond to bids that positively
affect how connected we feel toward others and
how connected they feel toward us.
Habit 6, Being Witness to the Good, involves
effectively sharing positive information by sharing
comments that are specific, direct and
nonattributive.
Chapter 7
Habit 7, Finding Common Ground,
involves a better approach, turning
away from our obvious differences
and building our relationships on
what we hold in common. We can do
that by considering how our Interests,
Convictions, Activities, Roles, and
Experiences (I-CARE) can divide us
or provide a way to find what we
hold in common with others.
Chapter 8
The life blood of the culture of any school
or organisation is the way people talk, so
part of a strong leadership is shaping the
organisational culture one conversation at
a time.
- Redirecting conversations
- Controlling toxic emotions that exist
within us – no matter what your beliefs
and habits, if you do not control your
emotions, they will dramatically
interfere with your ability to have better
conversations.
Habit 8: Controlling Toxic
Emotions
Strategies:
• Identify when our emotions come into play
• Uncover the cause of our emotional response
• Identify what we can do to reframe a
potentially volatile conversation
• Determine how to maintain control even
when we might have ample reason to react
emotionally.
Chapter 9
When we don’t trust someone, we
hesitate to be open, vulnerable, or
candid. Habit 10, Building Trust,
involves increasing trust by
increasing our credibility,
competence, and warmth, and by
maintaining a focus on others rather
than ourselves.
