Couples Therapy: The Relationship As The Client

Couples Therapy

The relationship as the client

Post WW-II history of marriage

Economics

Shift in type of work due to industrialization Necessity of dual incomes
Technology

Industrialization Transportation Birth control
Social Norms (next slide)
The change in social norms

Shift from external, role-oriented criteria (e.g., good worker,
provider, mother, wife) to internal criteria of personal satisfaction.

Studies of changing themes in popular magazine articles about
marriage since the '50s document increased emphasis on selfdevelopment, flexible and negotiable roles, and open communication about problems. Surveys show similarly dramatic changes in criteria for "marital satisfaction".
These changes reflect increases in individualism and our
standard of living, as well as improved contraceptive methods and greater availability of abortions.
Could you conceive of staying in a marriage unless you're happy?
Current statistics
The American divorce rate has increased dramatically
since the mid 19th century (peak in early '80s).

Between 50-67% of first marriages end in divorce -- and
the failure rate for second marriages is 10% higher. Median duration is 7.2 years.
More marriages now end in divorce than death (true since
1974).
Couple therapy is a growing industry: From 1,000 licensed
marital therapists in 1972 to over 50,000 today.

Barely half of couples report significant improvement from
therapy (compared to over 75% in individual therapy) -and a third of those who improve have problems later on (Bray & Jouriles).
Characteristics of happy couples

Tolstoys adage: All happy families are alike, but unhappy marriages are unhappy in their own way.
Characteristics (John Gottman)

foundation of affection and friendship "validation sequences ability to resolve disagreements positive sentiment override a 5 to 1(or better) compliment-criticism ratio is optimal as the ratio decreases, marriage satisfaction decreases Amount of conflict relatively unimportant (all relationships have conflict)
Distressed couples (Gottman cont.)

Engage in a wide range of
destructive fighting techniques

Personal attacks (name calling) Dredging up the past Losing focus (and the kitchen sink)
Tend to resort to the "four
horsemen of the apocalypse

Criticism (more common in women) Defensiveness Withdrawal (more common in men) Contempt
Couples interaction styles (Gottman cont.)
Three ways of understanding couples interaction styles: Validating (optimal)

the 5 to 1 ratio (optimal) respect partner's opinions and emotions compromise often resolve problems to mutual satisfaction
Volatile
arguments, conflict may or may not be resolved Vacillate between heated arguments and passionate reconciliation
Avoiding do not deal with problems at all (agree to disagree)
Compatibility of interaction styles sometimes more predictive of relationship success than the style itself
Love is a story (Sternberg)

What are stories of love?
They are stories about what love ideally should be They play out in our day-to-day experiences in relationships They influence who we are attracted to and who we are compatible with They are a lens through which people experience events
How do they form?

Stories come from past experiences, thoughts, and feelings about relationships Stories can and do change, but new stories start with old stories Stories are affected by cultural norms
Love is a story (continued)

Some examples
Asymetrical stories (generally not healthy) teacher-student sacrifice government police investigation (detective/suspect) horror collection
Coordination stories (usually healthier) travel garden:processing | attention sewing business Narratives fantasy war
Goals of therapy
The most-studied form of couple therapy -- Behavioral Marital Therapy Help partners negotiate behavior change Teach more effective communication skills (e.g., active listening, how to argue) Gottman (microskills) Avoid the 4 horsemen and other forms of destructive fighting Focus on and encourage positive sentiment override
Latest research findings Improving "communication skills" may not be the key to resolving many couple problems (Baucom; Burleson & Denton). Good will between partners may be more important than good communication skills Good language and communication skills can even make bad marriages worse (e.g., keeps problem salient)
Several promising new approaches Acceptance therapy (focus on interrupting partners' attempts to change each other) Solution-focused therapy (intervention aims to identify exceptions to the problem and reinforce strengths in the couple's relationship)
Therapeutic techniques
Maintain balanced approach (dont show favoritism)
Have members of the couple talk to each other, not
the therapist
Anticipate backsliding (habits are hard to change)

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Couples Therapy

The relationship as the client

Post WW-II history of marriage

Shift in type of work due to industrialization Necessity of dual incomes

Industrialization Transportation Birth control

Social Norms (next slide)

The change in social norms

provider, mother, wife) to internal criteria of personal satisfaction.

since the mid 19th century (peak in early '80s).

marital therapists in 1972 to over 50,000 today.

Characteristics of happy couples

Distressed couples (Gottman cont.)

destructive fighting techniques

Tend to resort to the "four

horsemen of the apocalypse

Couples interaction styles (Gottman cont.)

Three ways of understanding couples interaction styles: Validating (optimal)

Avoiding do not deal with problems at all (agree to disagree)

Love is a story (Sternberg)

How do they form?

Love is a story (continued)

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