Below is a model answer essay that scored an impressive
Band 5. Look at the feedback on each paragraph.
QUESTION 2
The world today is turning more to electronic
communications such as the e-mail, Facebook and Short
Message System (SMS). What is your opinion of this growing
trend? Discuss. You should write at least 350 words.
As time goes by, the world is changing rapidly; so are its people
and the technology itself. Technology brings about a lot of
amendments (improvement, correction) in people’s life. It is
getting more advanced from day to day especially when it comes
to Information Technology or in this case; electronic
communications. Back then, mailing was seemingly to be one of
the most vital (necessary, essential, important) ways of
communication especially for the world communication. In
contrast, nowadays people are more prone (likely) to
communicate the easier ways; by staring on their electronic
accounts on their computers or through their iPods and sending
short messages from their iPhones or Blackberries. Why is it so?
[THESIS STATEMENT] In my slight opinion, this growing trend
gives a lot of dominances (influence) in today’s life, which are
helping people to save their time and money, create borderless
communication and make it easy for people to gain prominent
(important) information.
Feedback
The student introduces technology as a whole, looking at its
history, from how it has grown from a simple form of
communication through letters to today’s extensive choice
of communication through electronic gadgets. This is a great
way to start your introduction. Based on the question,
explain what the issue is and give a brief background of its
past and present. State your opinion as to why such
situation arises.
First and foremost, [TOPIC] the world today is turning more to
electronic communications like e-mail, Facebook and Short
Message System (SMS) and other electronic communications is
because they will [CONTROLLING IDEA] prevent people from
wasting their time and money. How do these work?
[SUPPORTING POINT 1] As we all know, sending a letter to
someone will take a lot of processes and will eventually take a
long time and waste a lot of money. On the contrary, electronic
communications entail (involve, require, need) only the tip of our
fingers so as an electronic device to work with. Then, what is left
for us to do is just, typing! Has that not taken a much lesser time
and money? [SUPPORTING DETAIL 1] For instance, an e-mail
only requires us to turn on our laptops, open our accounts on the
website and then, you can start write your letter and send them
through e-mails. [CONCLUDING SENTENCE] In short, with the
very unstable economy nowadays, having these kinds of
communications will ease everyone’s burden especially on their
daily expenses and also their valuable time will not be wasted.
Feedback
State, Explain and then Illustrate. Remember SEI. First, state
the topic that’s been mentioned. In this case, it’s the rise of
electronic communications. Then explain. Explain what
electronic communications entail. Next, illustrate. This
means give examples based on your explanation. The
student illustrates by giving a scenario of the use of emails.
Secondly, [TOPIC] the growing trend of electronic
communications is [CONTROLLING IDEA] making it possible for
a borderless communication which is vital these days. Why is it
vital? [SUPPORTING POINT 1] A lot of things require borderless
communication; in education field, businesses and even daily
activities, especially when foreigners involved. [SUPPORTING
DETAIL 1] For example, when trading with foreigners, in order to
communicate with each other, they need Skype or Yahoo
Messenger as mediums to interact and be able to do the trade at
a faster rate as compared to by using ‘snail mails’ or regular
letters. Skype is the perfect example of an electronic
communication which will cut the boundary that has separated
each country and make communication between two different
countries from around the world possible. [CONCLUDING
SENTENCE] In conclusion, it is crucial to have these electronic
communications in today’s age of globalization as they make it
easier for people around the world to connect with each other.
Feedback
Structure your subsequent paragraphs like the first one. Add
a new point in the second paragraph and repeat the SEI
format. It’s important to have a mind map of your points
before you start writing.
Last but not least, [TOPIC] the dominance of these electronic
communications is [CONTROLLING IDEA] people could gain
prominent information more efficiently than before.
[SUPPORTING POINT 3] As there are lesser borders between
countries, the efficiency of getting much more relevant and
prominent information is higher. People will have the ability to
provide and gain information effectively through Facebook or
Twitter accounts. [SUPPORTING DETAIL 3] For example,
international artists who have planned to do a world concert can
inform their fans about it through their Facebook account.
Likewise, the fans also can ask just about anything to their
favorite artists regarding the concert. [CONCLUDING
SENTENCE] Hence, this explains why people make these
electronic communications as a huge trend these days and in
order to keep the trend ongoing, each person has the
responsibility to adapt with the technology itself.
[CONCLUDING SIGNAL] In conclusion, the growing trend of
using electronic communications is inevitably (undoubtedly) vital
in people’s lives [RESTATE THE OPINION] as it gives out a lot of
benefits as stated in above paragraphs. [MEMORABLE
REMARK] So, to avoid ourselves from not getting the chance of
keeping up with the changing trends, we have to try our best to
adapt ourselves with the rapid changes. I believe that the
electronic communication trend is a trend which is very important
to be followed as the world is getting more advanced day to day.
Feedback
To indicate that your essay is coming to an end, use words
like ‘in conclusion, as a conclusion, to summarise’
Summarise your opinion based on all your previous
paragraphs and emphasise your point through words like ‘I
believe’.
