Guidance and Discipline for Skill
Building
Introduction
Your child will naturally test limits and break rules. This is a normal part of their
development and is necessary for their learning. As a parent or someone in a parenting
role, you can choose to be purposeful and deliberate in the ways you provide guidance
and discipline. Guidance and discipline for skill building can help your child actively
develop self-awareness — “the ability to accurately recognize one’s own emotions,
thoughts, and values and how they influence behavior.” 1 Self-awareness is a
fundamental ingredient of self-management — “the ability to manage thoughts, feelings
and actions, control impulses, persist toward goals, and manage stress.” 1 These skills
grow your child’s sense of responsibility all the while improving your relationship.
It is important for every child to learn that their actions have an impact on others around
them. This is developed over time and requires a lot of practice. In fact, as a child
grows, their brain is reorganizing from their childhood magical thinking processes to a
more rational and logical thinking process. Their higher order thinking skills are not fully
formed until the early to mid-twenties. Your support and guidance matter greatly as your
child develops these critical life skills.
This document on how your guidance and discipline practices can build skills in your
child is divided into three parts. First, guidance and discipline for skill building is defined.
Next, why paying attention to guidance and discipline for skill building is essential is
explored. And finally, examples of ways to support guidance and discipline for skill
building are provided.
Guidance and Discipline for Skill Building Defined as
Teachable Moments
While there are many different approaches you can take to disciplining your child,
seeking to guide and discipline your child in a way that allows for teachable moments
supports your child’s development. Disciplining in this way builds your child’s social and
emotional skills through your interaction during or after an inappropriate behavior. This
is an approach in which you, as the parent or one in a parenting role, draw clear
boundaries and teach your child how to be successful staying within those boundaries.
You realize that you are serving as a model of behavior. When upset, you take the time
to calm down before responding. You recognize that your child may have an unmet
need and seek to understand what big feelings might be influencing your child’s
behavior. You allow for logical consequences to take place without imposing or
inventing new consequences that may not naturally occur. You reflect with your child on
the outcome of choices and help your child repair harm when they have caused
physical or emotional harm. In essence, through guiding and disciplining your child in a
way that allows for teachable moments, you are proactively teaching your child what to
do instead of reactively telling them what not to do. This helps your child distinguish
what’s right and wrong, grow responsibility, and learn vital social and emotional skills.
Guidance and discipline for skill building is appropriate for children ages two and older.
Infants are constantly learning about the world around them. When an infant grabs your
hair or drops something from their high chair, they are doing what is developmentally
appropriate by observing and exploring their world. They are not acting out. You can
shift their attention to something else while recognizing your primary role is to help them
feel safe and secure while encouraging their sense of discovery. Infants learn about
who they are and how they relate to others through sensitive, caring interactions with
you. These interactions impact their ability to listen, to communicate effectively, to learn
about and manage their feelings, and to trust in you as a caregiver.
Guidance and Discipline for Skill Building is Different Than Punishment
Guidance and discipline for skill building is challenging for many parents. 2 Some parents
and those in a parenting role feel that if they do not impose punishments, their child will
not understand that their behavior was inappropriate. In fact, when a child is punished,
they often feel scared, humiliated, and hurt. This overwhelming sense of fear or hurt
causes a child to have a fight, flight, or freeze reaction and not to be able to focus on
whatever you are trying to teach them. Your child is likely to miss the lesson you want to
emphasize entirely, feel unsafe, and lose trust in you.
Approaching guidance and discipline for skill building as teachable moments to grow
your child’s skills can be transformational in your understanding of discipline and can
enrich your relationship with your child. Without learning new guidance and discipline
skills, particularly during the toughest moments of parenting, parents and those in a
parenting role are likely to resort to what they learned from their own upbringing and
reinforce actions that may not align with the family’s deepest values. Learning and
practicing new strategies based on solid research can help you feel competent and
confident that you are responding to parenting challenges in ways that promote your
child’s development and align with your parenting values.
Each time a child chooses an unsafe or inappropriate behavior is an opportunity to
teach a vital life skill and cultivate a sense of responsibility.
Guidance and Discipline for Skill Building is Essential
Children’s behaviors are often influenced by their feelings. Feelings are spontaneous
reactions to people, places, and experiences. 3,4 Feelings are not right or wrong, but
what your child does with the feeling may be appropriate or inappropriate. Research
confirms that when children and teens learn to manage their emotions, they strengthen
their executive functions.4 They are better able to use self-control, problem solve, and
focus their attention. This directly impacts their school success and ability to follow the
rules. Schools that focus on cultivating social and emotional skills in the curriculum,
skills like self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationship skills, and
responsible decision making, also show significant reductions in disciplinary issues.
And, the same is true at home. Why? Children and teens are empowered when they
have the skills to responsibly manage their lives, their emotions, and their relationships.
By supporting social and emotional skill development through your guidance and
discipline practices, you can directly impact your child’s decision making and improve
outcomes in a number of ways. Social and emotional skill development results in a
better work ethic, better family relationships, better job performance, and improved
health across the lifespan.
