Penguin Books

Sex in Hunian Loving

Dr Eric Berne, like his father, graduated from the Faculty

of Medicine, McGill University, Montreal, Canada, and
later moved to the United States, where he had his
internship in psychiatry at the New Haven Hospital and
the Yale Institute of Human Relations. He also studied at
the New York and San Francisco Psychoanalytic Institutes.
During the Second World War he served in the U.S. Army
Medical Corps and was discharged with the rank of major.
Afterwards he became a consultant in psychiatry and
neurology to the Surgeon General of the U.S. Army. He
was a practising psychiatrist in Carmel and San Francisco,
California, a lecturer at the University of California
Medical School, and Consultant in Group Therapy at
McAuley Clinic in San Francisco. He was a corresponding
member of the Indian Psychiatric Society, chairman of the
board of trustees of the International Transactional
Analysis Association and editor of the Transactional
Analysis Bulletin. He also wrote The Mind in Action,
Transactional Analysis in Psychotherapy, The Structure and
Dynamics of Organizations and Groups, and Principles of
Group Treatment. Games People Play and A Layman's
Guide to Psychiatry and Psychoanalysis have already been
published in Penguins. While at college he wrote for the
Canadian magazine Forum, the London Adelphi, and other
periodicals. He died in 1970.
Eric Berne

Sex in Human Loving

Penguin Books
Penguin Books Ltd, Harmondsworth,
Middlesex, England
Penguin Books Australia Ltd, Ringwood,
Victoria, Australia
Penguin Books (N.Z.) Ltd, 182-190 Wairau Road,
Auckland 10, New Zealand

First published in the U.S.A. 1970

Published in Great Britain by Andre Deutsch 1971
Published in Penguin Books 1973
Reprinted 1975, 1976
Copyright © City National Bank, Beverly Hills, California, 1970
Made and printed in Great Britain by
Richard Clay (The Chaucer Press) Ltd,
Bungay, Suffolk
Set in Linotype Times
This book is sold subject to the condition that
it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent,
re-sold, hired out, or otherwise circulated without
the publisher's prior consent in any form of
binding or cover other than that in which it is
published and without a similar condition
including this condition being imposed on the
subsequent purchaser
Contents

Foreword 13

Introduction:
Talking About Sex
a. Sex Js Wet 19
b. Some Cold Dry Words 19
c. Some Warm Damp Words 21
d. Obscene Words 22
e. The Nature of Obscenity 23
f. The Trash Can 26
g. The Mother-Cuffers 27
h. Obscenity for Fun 28
i. Obscenity and Love 30
j. Sex Education, Junior Type 31
k. Intermediate Sex Education 32
I. Advanced Sex Education 34
m. Adult Sex Education in America 36
n. A Standard Sexual Vocabulary 37
Notes and References 38

PART ONE: SEX AND SEX ORGANS

1 Why Sex is Necessary 43

a. Introduction 43
b. What Is Sex? 44
c. But What Is It All About? 46
d. The Purpose of Sex 48
6 Contents
e. Sex and Science 51
f. Sex and Religion 52

2 The Sexual Act 55

a. Male and Female Sex Organs 55
b. How It Begins 56
c. Male Power 60
d. Female Power 64
e. The Orgasm 66
f. The Psychology of Sex 68
g. The Biology of Sex 70
Notes and References 74

3 The Exploitation of the Sex Organs 77

a. Introduction 77
b. The Exploitation of the Penis 77
c. The Exploitation of the Vagina 79
d. Sex Organs in Time-Structuring 81
e. The Exploitation of the Orgasm 83
f. Sexual Deviations 86
Notes and References 89

PART TWO: SEX AND PEOPLE

4 Forms of Human Relationship 93

a. The Human Personality 93
b. The Relationship Diagram 96
c. Acquaintances 98
d. Co-workers 99
e. Committee Members 101
f. Respect 105
g. Admiration 108
h. Affection 110
i. The Turn-On 113
Contents 7
j. Lechery 121
k. Companions 122
I. Friends 123
m. Intimacy 125
n. Love 129
o. Classifying Relationships 130
p. Marriage 134
q. Legal Relationships 135
Notes and References 138

5 Sexual Games 141

a. Introduction: It's a Crazy World 141
b. Parental Programming 144
c. Types of Scripts 148
d. Nature's Tricks 155
e. What Is a Game? 160
f. Some Sexual Games 165
g. Why People Play Games 174
h. The Illusion of Autonomy 177
Notes and References 181

6 Sex and Well-being or Preventive Intimacy 185

a. Introduction 185
b. Physical Contact and Physical Health 186
c. The Six Hungers 189
d. Sex and Ethics 194
e. ,Sex and Aesthetics 196
f. Sex and Intimacy 197
g. Sex and Marriage 199
h. Sex and Research 200
i. Sex and Well-Being 201.
Notes and References 211
8 Contents

PART THREE : AFTERPLA Y

7 Questions 217
a. Questions and Answers 217
b. A Selected List of Books 226

8 A Man of the World 233

a. Love and Marriage 233
b. Short Sayings 239
c. The Sad Ones 245
d. Final Rap 245

Appendix:
The Classification of Human Relationships 247
a. Introduction 247
b. Types of Relationships 248
c. Discussion 255

Index 259
Table of Figures

1. The Human Personality 94

2. A Relationship Diagram 97
3. Co-workers 101
4. Committee Members 102
5. A Grievance Committee 104
6. Admiration, Affection, and Tum-On 109
7. Companions 123
8. Friends 124
9. An Asymmetrical P-C Relation 132
10. An Asymmetrical A-C Relation 132
11. A Symmetrical C--C Relation 132
12. Total Exploitation 132
13. The Drama Triangle 163
14A. The Stickleback Switch 164
14B. The Baboon Switch 164
14C. The Patient Switch 164
15. The Relationship Diagram 248
16 (1). Parents P-P 250
16 (5). Spouses A-A 250
16 (9).,Lovers C-C 250
16 (2). Bolster P-A 250
16 (3). Comforter P-C 251
16 (6). Teacher A-C 251
16 (5). Co-workers A-A 251
16 (9). Playmates C-C 251
16 (3). Critic P-C 252
16 (6). Advisor A-C 252
16 (7). 'Child' Psychiatrist C--P 252
17A. Child-programmed Adult 256
17B. Adult-programmed Child 256
17C. Parent-programmed Child 256
To all those who have been my friends
for still these many years . . .
in love, appreciation, and gratitude
Foreword

This book is based on the Jake Gimbel Sex Psychology lectures

which I was privileged to give at the University of California
in April and May of 1966. Dr Salvatore P. Lucia, Professor of
Medicine and Preventive Medicine at San Francisco Medical
Center, was on the selection committee, and I believe it was
mainly thr~ugh his influence that I was chosen for this honour.
I am grateful to him and the other members of the committee
for giving me such an opportunity. About 600 people attended
and overflowed into the aisles and the back of the auditorium,
each from a different background and with a different way of
approaching the subject. The original programme read as fol-
lows:
THE 1966 JAKE GIMBEL SEX PSYCHOLOGY
LECTURES UNDER THE AUSPICES OF THE
COMMITTEE FOR ARTS AND LECTURES,
UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA,
SAN FRANCISCO MEDICAL CENTER

Sex in Human Living -

APRIL 6 Talking about Sex
APRIL 13 Forms of Human Relationship
APRIL 20 Sex and Well-being
APRIL 27 Sexual Games
The above four lectures will be given at 8.30 p.m. in
the Medical Sciences Auditorium, San Francisco Med-
ical Center.
MAY 23 Language and Lovers
The above lecture will be given in the Field House,
University of California at Santa Cruz.
All interested persons are cordially invited to attend.
14 Foreword
Although 'all interested persons' were invited to attend, the
audience consisted mainly of students, faculty, professional
people and their co-workers. Dr Lucia was a most gracious
and diplomatic chairman, and my assistant, Miss Pamela
Blum, ably assisted in the platform arrangements. Meanwhile,
Dr Lucia's secretary, Marjorie Hunt, arranged to preserve the
lectures on tape, and Miss Olga Aiello typed them out for me.
Without this service, of course, the lectures would have been
lost forever, since I had no text and my notes consisted only of
topic headings.
But primarily I am grateful to the late Jake Gimbel for mak-
ing such a series of lectures possible in the first place. When he
died in 1943, he left a substantial trust for this purpose, to
alternate between Stanford University and the University of
California. Since then the Lectureship has been held by a list of
distinguished authorities. They have set a standard which is
such a difficult challenge that it has taken me four years to
attempt to meet it by placing my thoughts in writing before the
public, and it is with some diffidence that I do so even now.
There has been a considerable emergence and spread of sex-
ual knowledge since these lectures were given. In 1967 began
the publication of the monthly journal Medical Aspects of
Human Sexuality, 1 the most reasonable, reliable, and respect-
able periodical of its kind. It has much less of the slightly
sensational and disapproving attitude of its m~st illustrious
predecessor, the old Zeitschrift fur Sexualwissenschaft wherein
the pioneers of psychoanalysis published some of their early
papers, and which was a prime source for Havelock Ellis and
students of the 'psychopathology' of sex of that era. During
the same four-year period the Sex Information and Education
Council of the United States2 emerged into prominence under
the leadership of Dr Mary Calderone, of New York. The im-
peccable qualifications and manner of Dr Calderone have un-
doubtedly contributed to the wide acceptance of her work, par-
ticularly in promoting sex education in the schoolroom. A
third force in emergent sexual knowledge is the classified ad-
vertisement columns of the Berkeley Barb or Tribe and other
Foreword 15
underground papers, which reveal the prevalence and variety
of departures from the official vis-a-vis position in sexual
intercourse much more poignantly than Kinsey and his associ-
ates did, although less romantically perhaps lhan Havelock
Ellis's writings. A fourth influence which has made itself felt in
a significant way during the past two or three years is the legal
relaxations : the acceptance of homosexual consent liaisons in
Britain, and of pornography in Denmark, for example. Best of
all is the recent conjunction of sex with healthy wit and hum-
our (as opposed to morbid, distasteful, or derogatory jokes), as
in the satirical Official Sex Manual, 3 and the sexy-picture
parodies in Evergreen magaz~ne. The current advanced posi-
tion is that sex is reasonably decent and is here to stay, so we
had best face it. This is in distinction to the rightist position
that sex is nastier than anything, and the radical position that
nothing is nasty so that sex will not suffer if it is thrown into
the pot with violence and garbage.
All of these influences, including the underground papers
(which have to be repudiated by everyone else for reasons of
'respectability'), come into fullest flower in the writings of Dr
Eugene Schoenfeld, who forthrightly enlightens the public in a
weekly column under the name of Dr Hip Pocrates.' (He has
now retired from this activity.)
The greatest change which has taken place during this
period, however, is not an educational one but a practical one.
The fuller impact of 'the pill' on American life is marked by
the emergence or resurgence of the 'emancipated woman', with
her claim for full sexual equality. The manuscript of this book
was combed by several of them for signs of 'male chauvinism'.
Some of the examples they found were pretty hairy, so I made
appropriate changes in the final draft In other instances,
where I felt 'female chauvinism' was rearing its head, I have
stood my ground, and allowed them to have their say in foot-
notes, where they are represented by the initials EW, with my
replies on occasion labelled EB. In fairness to EW, I should
say that I have not included their many approving and enthu-
siastic comments. -
16 Foreword
What I have done in this book is tell it like I think it is,
which entails the use of colloquialisms, imagery, and case re-
ports. Anyone is at liberty to keep it out of the hands of their
children under sixteen, or under eighteen, or under twenty-one
(or under forty, for that matter), if they feel a need to. I will
gladly receive the documentation of anyone who wishes to
correct any error I have made in facts. As to matters of
opinion, I cannot conscientiously defer to someone else unless
he or she has listened to more or to more cogent sexual his-
tories than I have during the past thirty years. I imagine that
there are some pimps and prostitutes who know more about
sex in general, and some scientists who know more about par-
ticular aspects of it, than an experienced and interested psy-
chiatrist does. On the whole, I think that there is as much
science as art in what I have put down, and any disputation
should be supported by an appropriate body of evidence.
A lot of what is written here was not said in the lectures, or
was said in a different way. For one thing, I have learned a lot
since 1966, and for another, lecturing is different from writing.
Thus it was necessary to edit, change, cut, rearrange, and add
to the lectures, to bring them up to date and make them more
readable. In order to do this most effectively, I have adopted
the device of writing as though I were writing for an audience
of one. In other places I have referred to a writer called Cyp-
rian St Cyr, who is the purported author of a w,ork entitled
Letters to My Wife's Maid. These letters are supposed to have
been written while St Cyr was travelling with his wife to far-
away places, and are for the purpose of preparing the young
lady in question to venture out into the world alone when she
leaves her present employment. That is a suitable context for
the present work, which is therefore written in the spirit of St
Cyr's 'Letters', while still endeavouring to maintain a tone of
the original lectures as well. In line with this, the previous
order of programming, as given above, has been abandoned,
along with the original title of the series.*
*The 'official' title of this book, for those who prefer to think of sex in a
more academic way, is 'Cerebral and Behavioural Correlates of Coupling
in Higher Primate Communities'.
Foreword 17
Because of the many changes which have been made, it is
only fair to say that neither the Jake Gimbel Trust nor the
University of California is responsible for any of the opinions
expressed. That responsibility is solely my own.
I want to thank the members of the San Francisco Trans-
actional Analysis Seminar for spending several evenings listen-
ing while I read the manuscript to them, and for the many
valuable suggestions and constructive and destructive criti-
cisms they made, and also those who read the whole manu-
script at their own leisure and did likewise. These include,
emancipated or square, Bertha Joung, Al and Pam Levin,
Arden Rose, Valerie Venger, Nadja and Valerio Giusi, and
Rick Berne.
CARMEL, CALIFORNIA
APRIL 1970.

Notes and References

1. Medical Aspects of Human Sexuality, edited by Theodore

Bawer, M.D., and David M. Reed, Ph.D., and a board of consulting
editors. Published monthly at 18 East 48 Street, New York, N.Y.
10017.
2. SIECUS, 1855 Broadway, New York, N.Y. 10023.
3. The Official Sex Manual, by Gerald Sussman. Penguin Books,
Harmondsworth, 1969. ·
4. Dear Doctor Hip Pocrates, by Eugene Schoenfeld. Grove Press,
New York, 1969; Penguin Books, Harmondsworth, 1973.
Introduction:
Talking about Sex

a. SEX IS WET

Sex is not an easy subject to write about, mainly because it is

wet. In fact it is more than wet, it is slippery. Anyone who
ignores that is going to feel a little sticky talking about it. I
knew a poet once who wrote about it beautifully, but without
impact, and I said to her, 'I think it's a mistake to use dry
words to talk about wet feelings.' So she started to use wet
words, and then I said, 'Wet words aren't good enough either.
You have to use words that people's minds will slip on.' She
liked that, and in return told me that a pregnant woman sitting
by a window thought of a black snake. I didn't understand
that, not being a woman, but it sounded right. It sounded better
than the pregnant woman who was very proper in her speech,
and said that she was hoping to have a good flow of milk so
she could raise a bust-fed baby. That one reminded me of the
joke about the lady from Boston who always apologized when
she talked about 'chamber' music or 'cocktail' parties, and who
reported one day that a friend of hers had fallen over a preci-
peepee.
To start off with, I think we should review our vocabulary
and decide which words will most clearly and comfortably say
what we are talking about.

b. SOME COLD DRY WORDS

The words that people use for sex start with conjugation,
which is what lower organisms do, and copulation, which is
for higher animals. Sexual intercourse is for people. Scientists
call it c6-i-tuis, although if it makes them nervous they some-
times call it co-igh' -tus, but co' -i-tus is what it is. Sexual union
20 Introduction
is something you can talk about in front of an audience, but
only on Sunday. In fact you can talk about any of these except
sexual intercourse. You are not supposed to talk about that;
instead you must communicate. Communication may be very
difficult, and it gives some people, including me, a headache,
so just plain talking is better if you can get away with it. Even
listening to other people communicate can give you a head-
ache sometimes, especially if they don't know what they're
communicating about or whom they're communicating with.
In short, communication may cause trouble, and most people
who indulge in it should learn to talk to each other sooner or
later if they want to get along. The worst kind of communica-
tion is called a continuing dialogue, which may give the par-
ticipants not only a headache but often chronic stomach
trouble as well. Sometimes, however, people in a continuing
dialogue start talking to each other, and then everything gets
better. A cynical friend of mine, Dr Horseley, tells over-
educated couples who are not getting along to stop communi-
cating and start talking.
The trouble with all the words above is that they seem cold
and dry and sterile even though they are not. Conjugation
sounds like making a fire by rubbing two eggs together. Copu-
lation sounds wet but slightly repulsive, while coitus just sounds
sticky, like walking through molasses in a pair of sneakers.
Sexual intercourse is an okay phrase to use in public or in
writing, although it sounds too sensible to be much fun. For
variety's sake, the sex act is a convenient synonym.
The words used for the results of all these activities are not
much better. Sexual satisfaction is instead of a good steak
for a man, or instead of a cheese soufHe for a woman. Sexual
outlets are like the faucets on an aluminium coffee um or the
tap on the bottom of a boiler that you turn on once a month to
drain out the sludge. Climax started off as a decent enough
word, but it bas been so overworked on the news-stands that it
now sounds like the moment when two toasted marshmallows
finally get stuck to each other. Orgasm, I think, is the best
word to use in writing.
Talking about Sex 21
Lawyers have words of their own, but they don't help much.
Their favourites are cohabitation, sexual relations, and adult-
ery, all of which are charges or accusations. Lawyers have no
interest whatsoever in whether sex is any fun. They are only
interested in 'establishing' it or 'proving' it so that someone
will have to pay for it. You pay just as much if it wasn't any
fun as if it was the greatest thrill you ever had. There is no
deduction for dreariness and no premium for ecstasy. Lawyers
also have other words that are called crimes against nature,
although nature has never filed any complaints. There is no
such word in the legal vocabulary as decent exposure. All ex-
posure is deemed indecent until proven otherwise. This seems
contrary to the constitutional provision that says a man is
innocent until proven guilty, or decent until proven indecent.
Some of the biggest fights between lawyers are over the word
obscenity, and we will talk about that later.
The real trouble with all these words and phrases is that they
evade the issue, which is lust and pleasure and intoxication,
and that is why they sound cold and dry and sterile.

C. SOME WARM DAMP WORDS

Mating sounds warm and fertile; it has a great future ahead of

it, but it lacks presence. Perhaps the most human and least
vulgar of all sexual terms is making love. It has a warm, damp,
fertile ring to it, and also a promise of something more endur-
ing than the act itself. Nobody knows what happens after sun-
rise to the people who copulate or have coitus or sexual inter-
course. But people who make love are the most likely to have
breakfast together, and that is why most young ladies prefer
that term to all the others. Unfortunately, perhaps, it seems to
be slightly less popular among men, even men who are willing
to face their women at the breakfast table.
To come is another warm damp word. What it lacks in
drama it makes up in cosiness. Some people, oddly enough,
say go instead.
d. OBSCENE WORDS

It is perfectly possible, and I think desirable, to talk about ob-

scenities without being obscene. For example, we can write
four of the commonest sexual obscenities backward or sideways
as cuff, swerk, kirp, and tune, without either misleading or
offending anyone.
Cuff is the only word in the English language that gives the
full feeling, excitement, slipperiness, and aroma of the sexual
act. Its lascivious 'f' sound also helps to give it a realistic
punch. The synonyms mentioned in the previous section care-
fully avoid the idea of excitement and lust, and even more
carefully avoid one of the most primitive and powerful ele-
ments in sex, which is smell. Cuff takes in all of these, just as a
child does, because it starts off as a child's word.
Oddly enough, it is not, as is commonly supposed, an Anglo-
Saxon word. It got into English from Scotland in the 1500s1
and most probably came from an old Dutch or German weird,
ficken, which means to beat, very much like the Arabic dok,
which means to pound like a pestle in a mortar. Thrusting or
pounding is one of the most important elements in sexual
intercourse, as we shall see. Equally important is what Arabic
sexologists call hez, which means an exhilarating, lascivious,
free-swinging movement of the female pelvis. It is just because
cuff means dok and hez that it has such a thrust and swing.
Cuffing is something two people do together, where swerk-
ing is a more one-sided word. A very wise girl named Amaryl-
lis once said to me, 'I like cuffing, but I don't want a boy who
will swerk me just for the glory of it.' Balling is something
people do together too.*
There is no need to discuss kirp and tune and their numer-
ous synonyms, since they are all mere vulgarities that add little
• E W: Balling is a post-pill phenomenon. There is no feeling of exploita-
tion, it implies mutual consent, an act carried out together, not done to
someone but with someone. It is the wet-word equivalent of 'making love',
used with pride and joy.
Talking about Sex 23
to our understanding. Penis, to most people, brings up a pic-
ture of something skinny and not very imposing, or, for those
who have little boys in the house, cute. It will do for the organ
in its flaccid state. For the more noble state of erection, I think
phallus comes closer to the truth, even though it sounds artificial
and lacking in juice. Vagina will serve for the female organ. It
has the warmth, if not all the other qualities, of tune. The
main difficulty is with the external genitals of the female,
called by anatomists the vulva. That is much too clinical a
word for everyday use, but there is really no polite term for
them, so we shall have to settle for the conventional genitals.
There are lots of other words that you can find in Roget's
Thesaurus, in various dictionaries of slang, 3 and in the Crim-
inal Codes of various jurisdictions, but the above list should be
enough for everyday purposes.

~ THE NATURE OF OBSCENITY

I will now explain why I prefer to avoid the use of obscenity.

The word obscene itself means sort of repulsive. Obscenity is
usually divided into two types - pornography and scatology.
Pornography means writing about harlots, and is properly
applied to bedroom words, while scatology applies to bathroom
vulgarities. Some people find both pornography and scatology
offensive, while others find one obscene but not the other. This
all makes it sound as though obscenity were a matter of arti-
ficial rules, but that is not quite so. It has a much deeper
psychological meaning than that.
Any word worth saying arouses an image in the speaker -
and also in the hearer. These images do not always present
themselves clearly, but with a little care they can be fished up
from the deeps of the mind. The images for most words are
bland, poorly formed and shadowy, and fade into an unknown
background unless they are very familiar. That is why they are
so seldom noticed when the speaker speaks. These may be
called Adult or shadow images. Other words are accompanied
24 Introduction
by images which are more vivid and powerful. Those images
are relics of childhood, and are called Child or primal images.3
Because they are so detailed and colourful, primal images
arouse emotional responses. Some of them are strikingly beau-
tiful, like the images people often see when they smoke mari-
juana or take LSD. Others are repulsive, and these are the
ones we are concerned with here, since they give us a psycho-
logical way of defining obscenity. A word becomes obscene
when the accompanying image is primal and repulsive. It is so
because the image and the reality it stood for became vivid and
repulsive in childhood, as is commonly the case with odorous
excretions during toilet training, and the image keeps that
power in later years.' This definition of obscenity is not based
on artificial rules made by oppressive and ignoble authorities to
deprive the people of freedom of speech, but comes from the
structure of the human nervous system and its profound psy-
chology.
If obscenity is based on deep and universal psychological
factors dating from childhood, then only childhood words
should have such potency. If a language is learned later in life,
say after the age of six, it can have no obscenities for the
learner because he never heard its words in the primal years of
life. Thus a proper Englishman may be able to say or read
words like merde, Scheiss, fourrer, vogeln, cul, or Schwanz
without embarrassment or diffidence because thos~ words, al-
though he may know very well what they mean, do not arouse
any primal imagery, but maintain in his mind a more abstract
quality. If the new language becomes deeply ingrained, how-
ever, and he starts thinking in it, certain of its words may
gradually penetrate through to the primal layers, and thus be-
come obscene.
Such observations indicate that the quality of obscenity is
here to stay, but the particular words that arouse an obscene
reaction are a matter of choice or chance. Basically it has to do
with smell and taste, and also slippery touch. Obscene words
are ones that become connected with slippery sensations in
primal imagery. In special cases, the most inoffensive words
Talking about Sex 25
can become farfetched obscenities as a result of experi-
ences during the childhood period when these images are
formed.
Thus a new generation can knock down old obscenities, but
their offspring will create new ones, perhaps by turning a com-
mon word into an obscene one ('pig') or by pulling a rare
phrase into common usage ('mother-cuffer'). It is conceivable
that children could be raised completely free of obscenity reac-
tions, but it does not seem likely because of the way the human
nervous system is constructed. I think it would be very difficult
to train out the relief most people feel when they get outdoors
from the community latrine.
The shock value of obscene words, or their relief value, if
they are used for that purpose, or their erotic value, if they are
used as stimulants, come from their aromatic quality as much
as from their indecency. The strongest obscenities are those
with the strongest fragrance - cuff, tune, and tish; while the
weakest are the scientific and literary words that 'are far re-
moved from primal images and are completely deodorized.
For the neurologist and psychologist, this is a fascinating
phenomenon having to do with the whole structure of the
brain and mind : the relationship between smell, visual im-
agery, words, social action, and emotional shock, relief, or ,
stimulation.
Because of such psychological verities, a respect for the
power of obscenity is not a quaint relic of an antique way of
thinking. Rather it is one aspect of a way of life in which the
most important quality is grace. Grace means graceful move-
ments, and graceful moments of solitude or communion. This
quality is well understood by dancers, rhetoricians, and stu-
dents of Zen and other Oriental philosophies. It means speak-
ing gracefully and making each hour a work of art. It requires
an appearance and a demeanour that make each year better
than the last. And finally, it means that a whole lifetime of
friendships and enmities, intimacies and confrontations, com-
edies an~ tragedies, will have at least the possibility of ending
up with some strain of wholeness and nobility running through
26 Introduction
it. For me class=grace=reticence, the avoidance of overstate-
ment and disharmony, in speech as in ballet as in painting.
To encounter ugliness and look it in the face is different
from embracing it. Each person has his own idea of beauty, so
there is no way to define it by saying what it is. But at least it
can be split off by saying what it is not. There is one, and I
think only one, universal rule of aesthetics, universal because it
became an inherited biological trait in the evolution of the
human race. Beauty can be in spite of bad smells, but not
because of them. And everybody knows what a bad smell is. It
is the smell of a stranger's tish, his unwanted intrusion with
every breath we draw. With a friend; it is the opposite. As
Amaryllis once put it, 'A friend is one whose tish and tarfs
don't stink, and the sound of whose sipp is a song to your ears.
If a stranger tries to give you that kind of park, you give him a
kick in the tootches.' (Amaryllis has a slightly vulgar turn of
mind, as shown by her use of the word stink.)
In view of all this, I believe that obscenity should not be
imposed on others without their consent. For some, it is part
of their life plan and adds to their joy. For others, free speech
stops not only at yelling 'Fire! ' in a crowded theatre, but also
at crying vulgarities before children. Poetry is always more
appealing. Menstruation is not very attractive as 'monthlies',
but becomes charming (to men at least) as 'blood on the face of
the moon', or in the French term 'I have my flowers'.
Whatever you want to say, you should say it, provided you
can still remain pure by your own standards. It is only that
purity is very important when so many things are polluted.

f. THE TRASH CAN

It is true that you can find out an awful lot about your neigh-
bours by looking in their trash cans. A philosophical scavenger
could develop a whole philosophy of life from what he finds in
people's garbage : he can see what they throw away, how econ-
omical or wasteful they are, and what they feed their kids.
Talking about Sex 27
And there are a lot of people in the world who would see in
him the purveyor of ultimate rock-bottom truth. Look in the
trash can and that's the real scoop on the human race, man!
But it isn't. Archaeologists often happen on kitchen-middens
and very little else, and from this they try to reconstruct what
a society was like. There are some writers who follow the same
plan, trying to reconstruct and judge our way of living by its
garbage. But archaeologists get much further by uncovering a
city like Pompeii than by studying any number of kitchen-
middens. By seeing the whole city, they can judge better what
went on among its people, the noble as well as the ignoble. The
office and the library, the nursery and the rumpus room, con-
tain more of the universal truth about people than the junky's
pad. The sweat and the humanity of a nunnery is more worth-
while than the sweat and humanity of a brothel, since the nun-
nery appeals, however narrowly, to the upward aspirations of
the human race, while the brothel, at least as described by
pornophiles and pimp-lovers, is static, or if it moves at all, goes
sideways or downward. And there is, after all, more humanity
in a baby than in a tumour of the womb, and an embryo has
more truth in it than a fibroid.
All of which is to say that obscene books are no more en-
lightening and no nearer the nitty-gritty than proper ones.
Only Tolstoy could see what he saw in War and Peace, but any
clever high-school boy who was angry enough at his mother
could have written de Sade's Philosophy in a Bedroom, includ-
ing both the bedroom scenes and the philosophy.

~ THE MOTHER-CUFFERS

In the extreme case, obscenity becomes a way of living. The

pornographer, sentenced to life in the bedroom, and eternally
seeking the promise of an orgasm, will never see the forests and
the oceans and the sunshine. The scatologist, closeted in his
odorous little cubicle, must paw through every happening to
find the tish that he is bound and indentured to prove that
28 Introduction
everything turns into. Both are losers, for the pornographer will
never find the magic, all-satisfying vagina that he is looking
for, nor will the scatologist, standing amid the piles of faeces
he has laboriously accumulated, ever succeed in transmut-
ing them into gold. The pornographer is better off, for he at
least wins some passing pleasures, while there is only one prize
that can come out of a bathroom, and that is a crock of un-
gold. True, crying obscenities does give relief to some people,
but this only confirms the fact that such terms have a special
psychological primacy.
The childlike theory that if you only say enough dirty words
everything will come out all right just doesn't work on a five-
or ten-year follow-up. Right from the beginning it is a loser's
approach. After such a person says 'tish' or 'mother-cuffer'
100,000 times in the course of ten years (at a modest thirty
times a day) he nearly always (in my clinical experience) finds
that things have got worse instead of better, and then he
can only scream, 'Look how hard I've tried! Why does this
always happen to me?' Which only proves that trying hard is
not the answer, since things won't get any better if he says his
favourite obscenity three hundred times a day.
It is not the theory itself that makes the loser, but the way it
is practised. A winner, working on the same assumption,
would take two days off and run through the whole pro-
gramme, fifty thousand curses per day, and see if· he got the
desired result. If he didn't, he would find a new theory for
success and move on to that, thereby saving ten years. That is
the difference between a winner and a loser in life. Whether he
is a winner or a loser is the most important thing for the course
of a person's life as well as for its outcome, since that deter-
mines whether or not other people will trust him.

h. OBSCENITY FOR FUN

There are others who agree that uninvited obscenity is in most

cases an assault and therefore reprehensible.5 But there are
Talking about Sex 29
two situations where it may be effective just because of its
indecency, and those are jn seduction and in fun.
In seduction, obscenity may be used as a sales talk. Then it is
corrupt in the same way that the Boy Scouts of America (sup-
posedly based on the outdoor idealism of Sir Robert Baden-
Powell) are corrupt in having a merit badge of Salesman. It is
the art of making a fast buck intruding on the beauties of
nature.*
Obscenity for fun is a satire on corruption, and satire is the
surgical laughter that opens the festers of the body politic and
the corpus of human relations. Hence obscenity for fun makes
life less obscene. Rabelais is more scatological than mos~
writers because he was trying to enjoy his scatological times.
The dedication to my favourite edition of his works (Sir
Thomas Urquhart's translation) reads:
. One inch of joy surmounts of grief a span,
Because to laugh is proper to the man.
But satire is different from the obscenity of revolt: 'I'm go-
ing to say these dirty words so I can watch the expression on
your face to see if you're a square or if you stop loving me as a
result, you pig.'
In the same way, the humorous poems of the Restoration
Rakes· about the clap and the great pox, syphilis, which were
virtually unavoidable and incurable for a rake of those days,
are different from the self-pitying word-spitting of some mod-
em writers on the same subject. Obscenities are mostly obnoxi-
ous when they are taken seriously by the person who says
them or by the one who hears them. If they are said in fun,
and not thrown in the face like old grapefruit rinds, the reader
or listener can either join in the fun or else withdraw and say,
'I am not amused.'
•Amaryllis tells about a male acquaintance who successfully uses ob-
, scenity as a method of seduction. As soon as possible after meeting a likely
female, he makes a more than ordinarily indecent proposal to her in explicit
language. In this way he wins the favours of some women and loses the
respect of many others, thus demonstrating both positively and negatively
the unusual corruptive powers of obscene words.
30 Introduction
Puns, jokes and limericks are the favourite ways of having
fun with obscenity. Unfortunately the number of possible puns
that can be made on the six principal obscene words is limited,
and they have all been made long, long ago. The number of
possible obscene jokes is larger, but most of them come out of
the attic too, since a hundred million college students have
spent a hundred billion hours at a hundred thousand taverns in
the past hundred years. 6 The principal field left open for
originality nowadays is limericks.
One of the most amusing ways to make fun of obscenity and
its censors is to use likely-sounding made-up words in place of
the real thing, after the manner of the Official Sex Manual, 7
which tells all about erroneous zanes, the vesuvious, and the
plethora, 'a tiny football shaped object located near the fru-
nella, just above the pomander tubes.' During coginus, of
course, the male's vector has to break the hyphen. But Billy
and Betty, a novel by Twiggs Jameson, has a made-up vocabu-
lary that is even better because the Jameson words sound closer
to the originals and are great fun for real lovers .to use. For
example, those who can't find partners for clamming can al-
ways automate instead, and Jameson illustrates by example
how to go about finalizing that way, whether you have an
empty pudarkus or a full glander.

i. OBSCENITY AND LOVE

Perhaps a proper place for obscenity is in making love. 8 This is

the primal scene, and that is why primal imagery, at least of
the sexual kind, may have its value here. This does not include
seduction or exploitation. It means love-making in which both
parties have already given their consent, and more than that,
in which each is actively interested in increasing the other's
enjoyment. The primal images aroused need no longer be re-
pudiated, but for some people come into full flower. They rein-
force, and are reinforced by, the multitude of sensations that
set them free : sight, sound, touch, smell, taste, and the
Talking about Sex 31
warmth which the flushed skins radiate to each other. This is
quite the opposite of using obscenity as an insult and a blas-
phemy, as shown in the following verse:
THE DIFFERENCE

She said 'Cuff you!' and then saw red

When he went out and found instead
A lady whom he took to tea,
Who later said, 'Oh, yes, cuff me!'

j. SEX EDUCATION, JUNIOR TYPE

Our purpose here is a serious one: sex education, or even

inspiration. We have agreed on a preferred vocabulary, includ-
ing some anagrams, and we have agreed to avoid obscenity
whenever possible. Let us also agree that there is no reason to
avoid fun, and we can then move on to consider various ap-
proaches to the main subject.
The most bothersome question about 'sex education' is 'How
do you explain sex to your children?' The reason this is
bothersome is that it is a rather futile question, and makes no
more sense than 'How do you explain history (or geometry, or
cooking) to your children?' It takes several years of concerted
teaching and homework to 'explain' history or geometry, and
even then very few children, or for that matter not all teachers,
really 'understand' them. Many parents end up saying to
themselves (or to each other): 'So you don't know how to
explain sex to your children, you nincompoop! ' or even
worse: 'Ha! I'm one parent who knows how to explain sex to
his children! ' What is really wrong is not the parents, but the
idea that there is really such a thing as 'sex' that can be 'ex-
plained'. There isn't any more than there is something called
'cooking' which can be 'explained'. (Larousse Gastronomique
doesn't even try - it just gives some history.) It might be help-
ful to talk about the heat and aroma of the pot, but you don't
make a good cook by drawing a picture of the gas plumbing, or
by warning against poisonous mushrooms. There is no such
32 Introduction
thing as taking your son or daughter aside and saying: 'I will
now explain sex to you. ABC+DEF=G. Any questions?
Good night, then. Time for bed.' Aside from what?
In the case of young children, the first thing they usually ask
is where babies come from. Since nobody really knows the
answer to that, most parents feel called upon to explain about
cuffing. They either evade the issue by calling in the friendly
neighbourhood bird-watcher, or face it by saying, 'The man
puts his goodie into the lady's goodie and plants a seed, etc.,
and that's how babies are made.' The parent in most cases
either looks jolly or keeps a stiff upper lip as he says this,
partly because he knows it isn't the right answer and wishes
somebody would tell him what is. The child, instead of listen-
ing to the information, asks himself the really important ques-
tion : Why is father looking so jolly or keeping his upper lip so
stiff? The kids on the street are much more natural about it
and really explain it. Even if they explain it wrong, or some of
their pupils maintain that nothing like that happens between
their parents, they all go away feeling that they have had a
stimulating and instructive seminar. Everybody is serious,
thoughtful, and argumentive, and nobody is jolly or keeping
a stiff upper lip.
So much for junior sex education, age three to eleven. Inter-
mediate sex education, age twelve to twenty, is not much bet-
ter.

k. INTERMEDIATE SEX EDUCATION

Intermediate sex education is often offered in the form of

books and lectures. You know that I think of every individual
as being three different people: a Parent, who may be critical,
sentimental, or nurturing; a rational, factual Adult; and a
compliant, rebellious, or spontaneous Child. 9 Books and lectures
about sex may be classified according to whether they come
from the Parent (and even which Parent), the Adult, or the
Child (and even what kind of a Child). Each book or lecture
Talking about Sex 33
has its basic attitude towards the subject, and these for the most
part fall into one of five classes.

1. Sex is a Giant Squid. It's all right in its place, which is the
marriage chamber, where it's kept chained under the bed. But
if you ever run into it anywhere else, watch out, or you'll get
dragged under. What you have to watch out for is the opposite
sex, who are going to do you in if you give them the slightest
leeway. These dangers have been best summarized in the limer-
ick about a young lady named Wilde, and anyone who knows
that limerick knows all that is necessary about this monster.

There was a young lady named Wilde

Who kept herself quite undefiled
By thinking of Jesus,
Contagious diseases,
And having an unwanted child.

The Giant Squid was invented by Father Parent, as it is

written, although Mother knows about it too. 10

2. Sex is a Gift of the Angels. It is a beautiful and sacred

thing which should not be blasphemed by earthly considera-
tions nor sullied by lustful thoughts. The Angels were invented
by Mother Parent. Father knows about them, too, but he is a
little sceptical since he has never met them personally.11

3. Sex is a Triumph of Mechanical Engineering, a kind of

assembly line in which natural products go in one end and
babies come out at the other. Or it may be miniaturized into an
assembly kit, as described in the previous section: 'Insert
widget A into sprocket B and clamp down gudgeon C, and
presto! there will be a baby on Christmas morning.' This is a
rational approach which states certain facts in correct Adult
fashion, but it is not very inspiring. It may be true as far as it
goes, but it is not the kind of truth that makes life better.12

4. Sex is Naughty. This is the approach taken when the

34 Introduction
rebellious Child gets the upper hand in a person of any age
(most commonly in adolescence and over forty), and says:
'You know, all these rules and prohibitions don't mean any-
thing to me. I'm spilling my guts, using straight Anglo-Saxon
words, and that proves I'm free.' There are three things wrong
with this. (a) The words aren't Anglo-Saxon. (b) It doesn't
prove he's free. (c) It doesn't work. That is, ten years later,
these people are no happier than most of the people around
them. The Marquis de Sade is a good example.13

5. Sex is Fun. People who find that sex is fun don't usually
talk about it very much. There is not much to say about fun
except 'That was fun,' or 'Wow!' This is a childlike approach
like the one above, but certainly a more lovable and spontan-
eous Child. a

L ADVANCED SEX EDUCATION

Advanced sex education is mainly slanted towards humourless
collegians, wife-traders, Indian rajahs and maharajahs, and
Arabian slaveholders, but many ordinary people can profit
from it, too. It depends on whether you like to paint your own
pictures or prefer the kind with numbered sections that tell you
where to put each colour.
The chief textbook for advanced sex education is the Kama-
Sutra of Vatsayana, the founder of the Hindu, or Crafty, school
of sex.15 It dates from either 677 B.C. or 350 A.D. The com-
panion volume is the Ananga Ranga of Kalyanamalla, written
about 1500.16 Both of these give subtle recipes for kissing,
touching, skilful cuffing, leaving tooth and nail marks in the
right places, conning your neighbour's wife, and salving your
own conscience. They are undoubtedly instructive, but they are
also predatory, and replace passion and creativity with tech-
nical virtuosity and sometimes crookedness.
As my friend Dr Horseley says, 'There may be a special
thrill to learning the fine points of biting and scratching and
Talking about Sex 35
whoring, but it's even more fun if you think of them yourself
rather than getting them out of a book, just as it's more fun
finding your own wife rather than getting her through a com-
puter. On the other hand,' he adds somewhat sourly,, 'if you
want to know the methods used by prostitutes and paramours
for extracting money from men, you're undoubtedly better off
reading these books than trying to learn from your friendly
neighbourhood prostitute or paramour, since the methods are
the same here and now as they were there and then.'
'No point,' agrees Amaryllis, 'in ending up like the sailor
with false teeth who visited one of the girls and lost them.
That's the origin of the song "The Gal That I Loved Stole the
Palate I Loved".'
These books do have the virtue, however, of recommending
patience and gentleness, particularly with child brides.
Next to the Kama-Sutra in hoary patina is the Perfumed
Garden of Shaykh Nefzawi, spokesman for the Arabian school
of the 1400s.17 This is a practical manual, giving many warn-
ings against the deceits and treacheries of women, prescrip-
tions for various sexual ailments (including some for making
Small Members Splendid), and a set of reasonable positions for
healthy couples. Beyond that, the sheik also describes special
positions for special cases: fat couples, a small man and a tall
woman, and people suffering from various deformities. He
pays due deference to the superior knowledge and acrobatic
ability of the Indians, particularly the woman who can hold an
oil lamp aloft on the sole of her foot and keep it burning
during the whole procedure, but feels that many of their rou-
tines add more pain than pleasure to the act.
Nefzawi's long chapter on pederasty still remains to be
translated, which is unfortunate, since this would no doubt
throw some light on the fate of the slave boys and girls, rang-
ing in age from four to ten, who are still imported by the
planeload from the Sahara into the Arabian Peninsula.18 (I
myself have seen a two-year-old boy being trained in milder
slavish arts in the Spanish Sahara.)
One more book deserves mention here, and that is Dr Josef
36 Introduction
Weckerle's Golden Book of Love, which describes 531 posi-
tions - more than the Kama-Sutra, the Ananga Ranga, arid
The Perfumed Garden combined, in' this respect making those
works obsolete, and probably The Beharistan, The Gulistan,
and the seven erotic manuals of Ibo Kamal Pasha as well. But
even Weckerle is only a European empiricist. Legman, using
modern American· computer methods, calculates, that there
are 3,780 possible positions.19 Such a sophisticated approach
almost makes Vatsayana look primitive, sort of the Grandma
Moses of sexuality, but it is not really so.
But enough of the sexual sinks of India, Arabia and Vienna.
Before we go on to consider the sexual education of healthy,
red-blooded, clean-thinking American grown-ups, a word about
'sex education' in school. It will take about twenty years to
judge the effects of that, until a whole generation that has
been exposed to it has had a chance to grow up. The main
thing is that it should not be taught by frigid people, with some
dried-out members of the school board looking over their
shoulders like kippered herring at a wake. In this situation, sex
is like humour. Courses in humour, if they are given at all,
should be given only by people who have laughed at least once
in their lives - and enjoyed it.

m. ADULT SEX EDUCATION IN AMERICA'

The United States has taken seriously the injunction 'Make

Love, Not War', and has evolved several indigenous schools of
love-making, this by pure Yankee ingenuity, without any Fed-
eral or state funding, being one of the few fields in which
research has proceeded independently of government support.
The first and most rigorous is the Sociology or Stopwatch
School, whose slogan is '24--40 or fight', that is, twenty-four
minutes and forty seconds for orgasm (or whatever figure the
latest poll shows), the average time as determined by the
sociologists quoted in the Sunday paper. 20 Although they pay
lip service to variations, some disciples of this school imply
Talking about Sex 31
that anyone who varies very much is either a failure, a kook.
or a Communist - or all three.
Next comes the Woman's Journal of Standard Brands
School, which gives the proper recipe for decorous middle-
class lechery. You take your man out of the freezer and thaw
him out, add a caress, place in a warm bed, and let simmer
until a thin film forms over his eyeballs. 21 After that you are
on your own and you can serve him or not, as you see fit. The
recipes do not go into that part of it.
Then there is the Psychoanalytic or Bureau of Standards
School. This is an officially recognized outfit that is the custo-
dian of the International Standard Sex Life. 22 That is not the
way Freud, meant it to be,* but that is the way it has turned
out.
This school is the object of some fierce competition from the
popular Communication Movement, founders of the School of
Comparative Orgasms, whose members greet each other daily
with : 'How are you doing these days in interpersonal inter-
action in the area of orgasms?'23 This is a polite way of asking,
'Have you had one yet that matches the Standard Orgasm kept
under glass in the U.S. Bureau of Standards next to the Stand-
ard Metre, the Standard Kilogram, and the now obsolete
Standard Bowel Movement?' For these people, the Standard
Orgasm has replitced the Holy Grail, and many a couple spend
their lives chasing after it, crying 'Tally ho! It slipped away
from us again, dammit! '

n. A STANDARD SEXUAL VOCABULARY

Ideally, a complete sexual vocabulary should consist of four

words. The Parental, or moral, aspect of the personality, acting
as a kind of consultant, needs 'Yes' and 'No'. The Adult, or
rational and responsible organ, the one that sets up contracts
•In fact one of Freud's most talented early followers expressly repudiates
such judgements. (Karl Abraham, Collected Papers. Hogarth Press,
London, 1948, p. 413.)
38 Introduction
and commitments with other people, also needs 'Yes' and 'No'.
The Child, or instinctual, aspect, the part that is actually going
to take the trip, needs only one word to express his or her
reaction: 'Wow_!' In rare cases, however, where the Parent or
Adult aspect has made an error in judgement, the Child part
may need 'Ugh!' Anything beyond these four, Yes, No, Wow,
and Ugh, means somebody is in trouble. Except for 'Beauti-
ful!' which may be kept in reserve. There are some who don't
understand why and when people say 'Wow!' and 'Beautiful!'
but for those who know the secret, there is nothing else to
say.* So there are some for whom life is Yes and Wow, and
others for whom it is No and Ow (or Ugh). ....•
Having thus surveyed a few of the problems which arise in
talking about sex, and finding solutions for some of them, let
us proceed to talk about it and see whether we will fare any
better than our predecessors. And remember that not only is
many a true word spoken in jest, but truth is simply jokes
stated seriously.

Notes and References

1. Stone, Leo: 'On the Principal Obscene Word of the English

Language'. International Journal of Psychoanalysis 35: 30-56, 1954.
2. E.g., Partridge, E.: A Dictionary of the Underwor{d. Bonanza
Books, New York, 1961.
3. Berne, E.: 'Primal Images and Primal Judgments'. Psychiatric
Quarterly 29: 634-58, 1955.
4. Cf. Ferenczi, S.: 'On Obscene Words'. In Sex in Psychoanalysis.
Richard G. Badger, Boston, 1916.
5. Freud, S.: Wit and Its Relation to the Unconscious. In The
Basic Writings of Sigmund Freud. Modem Library, New York, 1938,
pp. 692-6.
6. Legman, G.: Rationale of the Dirty Joke. Grove Press, New
York, 1968.
*Although 'Wow!' has only recently come into common English usage
as an expression of enthusiasm, the French have been using its equivalent
for a long, long time in the form of 'Ooh-Ia-la!'
Ta/king about Sex 39
7. Sussman, G.: The Official Sex Manual, op. cit.
8. Symposium: 'What Is the Significance of Crude Language Dur-
ing Sex Relations?' Human Sexuality 3: 8-14, August, 1969.
9. Berne, E.: Transactional Analysis in Psychotherapy. Grove
Press, New York, 1961.
10. The most horrifying description of sex as a Giant Squid is the
very scholarly and very morbid work of Dr Julius Rosenbaum, The
Plague of Lust. Frederick Publications, Dallas, 1955.
11. One of the most popular sex manuals is also one of the most
sentimental. Van de Velde, T. H.: Ideal Marriage (revised edition).
Random House, New York, 1965.
12. The latest addition to this approach is the serious and well-
documentei,I clinical study of W. H. Masters and V. E. Johnson,
Human Sexual Response. Little, Brown & Company, Boston, 1966.
13. The Marquis de Sade is still the unsurpassed masthead of such
literature. De Sade, D. A. F.: Selected Works. Grove Press, New
York, 1966.
14. Legman's book, referred to above, is the most worthy example
of the Sex Is Fun approach. It is interesting to contrast Legman's
use of his broad and painstaking scholarship with Rosenbaum's
misuse of his wide knowledge of the classics.
15. Kama-Sutra of Vatsayana. Translated by S. K. Mukherji, K. C.
Acharya Oriental Agency, Calcutta, 1945.
16. Ananga Ranga of Kalyanamalla. Translated by T. Ray. Citadel
Press, New York, 1964.
17. Perfumed Garden of Shaykh Nefzawi. Translated by Sir Rich-
ard Burton. G. P. Putnam's Sons, New York, 1964.
18. O'Callaghan, S.: The Slave Trade Today. Crown Publishers,
New York, l961. Includes the debate on this subject in the House
of Lords (Hansard) Thursday, 14 July 1960. Burton has a long
essay on the history of pederasty in Arabian countries and other
regions of what he calls the Sotadic or pederastic zone (so called
after Sotades, a scurrilous but rhythmic poet of ancient Greece).
R. F. Burton: Thousand Nights and a Night. Privately printed for
the Burton Club, n.d., Vol. 10 (probably 1886), pp. 205-54. There
was even a hope among the debauched elements in Arabia that
they would be supplied with 'Wuldan' or beautiful boys in Paradise
if they prayed regularly. In general, it appears from their literature
40 Introduction
and commerce that male Arabs regard their sexual partners as
'supplies' rather than as people. For some more recently bloody
examples, see Musk, Hashish and Blood, by Hector France (Printed
for Subscribers Only, London & Paris, 1900).
19. Legman, G.: Oragenitalism. Julian Press, New York, 1969. It
is hard to believe that anyone could write a monograph of 300
pages on this subject without being trivial, repetitive, or lubricious,
but Legman has done it. For those who are interested, and are
married, over twenty-one, and live in a state where it is not a,
criminal offence (and have written permission from their parents?),
this is probably the best book on the subject, although I should say
it is the only one I have looked through (because the publisher sent
me a copy), so I may be doing some other author an injustice.
I have not seen Weckerle's book in German, and it has not yet
been published in English.
20. Kinsey and his associates are the founders of the stopwatch
school. (Kinsey, A. C., Pomeroy, W. B., and Martin, C. E.: Sexual
Behaviour in the Human Male. W. B. Saunders Company, Philadel-
phia, 1948, pp. 178-9.) This has been refined by Masters and John-
son by introducing tenths of a second in some of their measurements.
Such measurements are useful to professionally trained people who
can evaluate them properly, but they are easy for laymen, and even
for non-medical social scientists, to misapply and misconstrue.
21. Almost every woman's magazine gives recipes for sex in the
same tone as it give recipes for apple pudding, except that they are
less explicit and are surrounded by a halo of hush instead of mush.
22. Masters and Johnson claim, and have movies pufporting to
support it, that there is no separation between clitoral and vaginal
orgasms as psychoanalysts have maintained.
23. There are now in this country a large number of organizations
which promote 'encounter groups' and 'marathons' where orgasms
are freely discussed and compared in the vocabulary peculiar to
such groups, a classical example of which I have given in the text.
Compare Maizlish, I. L.: 'The Orgasm Game'. Transactional
Analysis Bulletin 4: 75, October 1965. Also Hartogs, R., and Fantel,
H.: Four-Letter Word Games: The Psychology of Obscenity. M.
Evans & Company, New York, 1967. These authors give further
bibliography on the subject.
Part One
Sex and Sex Organs
1
Why Sex is Necessary

a. INTRODUCTION

Life is a union of complex chemicals formed into strings, rings

and spirals. The first and most important job of any living
thing is to survive - that is, to prevent the intrusion of destruc-
tion from outside, and to keep the strings, rings and spirals
working together. Unfortunately, all living things are exposed
to danger, If they live through that, it is only to grow old
sooner or later. Then the strings, rings, and spirals lose their
bounce, and the organism gradually dies. Thus no living things
can live forever as individuals, and in order to survive they
have to reproduce themselves. If they do not do so in sufficient
numbers to live through all the dangers, their kind will eventu-
ally become extinct, like the dinosaurs and dodos. So after
ensuring its own survival, the most important thing an indi-
vidual of any species can do is reproduce.*
It is well known that sex is one of the favourite ways of
doing this, so next to staying alive, sex is the most important
thing in the life of any sexy organism. In fact some animals,
such as spiders, are even willing to sacrifice their lives for it.
Some humans do that, too, although it is something most
people try to avoid. Thus sex is a means of survival. Protection
is necessary for the survival of the individual's body, and sex is
necessary for the survival of his genes. The body is mortal, but
the genes can live fbrever if they are passed on from one body
to another in the next generation. The genes are like a baton
which is passed from one person to the next in a biological
relay race which seems never-ending. But sometimes it ends in
a whimper, as the poet said, and sometimes it threatens to
explode.
* E W: Every individual? Not today, I don't believe.
EB: Even when it's undesirable, it's still important.
b. WHAT IS SEX?

Sex is the result of evolution and the survival of the fittest, and
human beings are at the top of the heap. People are more fun
than anybody and human sex is the best (at least for humans),
so as patriotic members of the human race we should all be
proud of it. Anybody who isn't should go back where he came
from, which is jellyfish.
Before sex, there were already two other methods of repro-
duction in the animal kingdom, or what was to become the
animal kingdom. The lowest organisms (or at least we think
they are the lowest, and so far they haven't objected) reproduce
by binary' fission. These are one-celled animalcules who keep
eating until they are too big for their skins. Then they burst
asunder, and there are two of them where there was one be-
fore. This sounds 'like a drag: 'Here we go again!' or even
'Why does this always happen to me?' rather than 'Wow! '
And it is certainly monotonous, because the two daughter cells
are made of the same rings and spirals as their mother, so
there is not much chance for originality. Even worse, since all
the cells are the same, any overall change in the outside sur-
roundings which destroys one of them is likely to destroy them
all.
Conjugation is a slight improvement. It takes two to con-
jugate, and both must be one-celled organisms of the same
species. They cuddle up to each other and trade some rings
and spirals before they split. The result is that the daughters
are mixtures, each a little different from the parents. This helps
them survive, because a change in their surroundings may kill
some of them, but others, being different, may go right on
living. There are no males and females among such organisms,
or at least it is difficult to tell them apart.
More congenial to humans is copulation, where the animals
concerned are divided into two sexes. The male, in one way or
another, usually gets to put his sperm into the female and
fertilize her eggs. Since the sperm contains many different
Why Sex is Necessary 45
genes, and so does the egg, the result is like a folk dance, and
in the course of trading off partners, many different combina-
tions are possible. Thus except in the case of identical twins,
each offspring is different from the others, which increases the
chance that some of them will survive any changes in the
music of the earthly sphere. There are some animals, like fish,
which are divided into two sexes but don't get to copulate
because the female lays her eggs in the water and the male
discharges his sperm on them instead of inside her. Snails
probably have more fun than anybody except people because
they are hermaphrodites and both ends of them get to copulate
at the same time.
Mating is the same as copulation but it sounds more roman-
tic. Mati~g is a word used by bird-watchers, schoolteachers,
and pet-lovers. It means that the animals that copulate are
supposed to have chosen their mates very carefully and to love
them dearly, but this is not necessarily true.
Human mating is called sexual union, which, as already
noted, is a phrase used mainly by clergymen. It means that
there is, or should be, a spiritual element present which makes
it even more beautiful than animal mating; but this is not
necessarily true either. Nevertheless, such unions are usually
spoken of as blessed, especially if they produce offspring.
In all the above words, there is a feeling that the purpose of
the whole procedure is reproduction, but that is not always or
even usually true as far as human beings are concerned. Man-
kind has made a great leap by splitting off the pleasures of sex
from its biological purpose, and man is the only known form
of life which can deliberately arrange to have sex without re-
production and reproduction without sex.
What we can say so far then is that sexual reproduction is
an improvement over binary fission and conjugation. It is a
way of mixing genes so as to provide a larger variety of off-
spring, giving a greater chance for survival under changing
conditions in the outside world. Organisms seeking sexual
parpters tend to venture farther afield and take greater risks
than those that are content with less glamorous methods of
46 Sex and Sex Organs
reproduction. And the more magnetic sex is, the farther the
organism will ·wander in search of it, and the greater the risks
it will take. Hence from a biological point of view sex and its
pleasures are an excellent means for the production of a large
variety of organisms living in a large variety of circumstances
and for the evolution of more adaptable and adventurous
forms of life.

C. BUT WHAT IS IT ALL ABOUT?

The explanation I have given so far might satisfy an inquiring

snail, so that he would shuffle off sadder but wiser, but it
doesn't help much for understanding the vibrations that pass
between men and women in everyday life. So here is a list of
some of the things that sex is about in human living, what it
may be at times for almost everyone, and what it can be for
almost anyone.
First, it is about fertilization: the quivering dive of the
sperm into the fecund pool of the egg, which blasts a new life
into throbbing flowerhood. But that can be done without sex by
artificial insemination. (Did you know that there is a whole
profession that spends its days squirting turkeys in this man-
ner, so that these miserable birds are not only plucked and
eaten, but cuckolded, syringed, and swindled into the bargain?)
Second, it is about impregnation - which may or may not be
sexy, but it satisfies the woman's need to be filled with growing
new life, and the man's need to fill her and change her body
and her life through the power of his instrument.
Third, it may be about duty, for people who talk about it that
way, and this is what they say: the duty of a woman to bear
children for her husband, and the duty of a man to give them
to his wife; the duty of a wife to yield to her husband's desires,
and the duty of a husband to offer her what she could not have
as a maiden; and nowadays, the duty of a woman to give her
man the orgasm she thinks he craves, and the duty of a man to
give his woman the kind of orgasm she imagines is there.
Why Sex is Necessary 47
Fourth, it may be about rituals: the ritual of sex in the
morning, or the ritual of sex at night; and the ritual of sex on
anniversaries, and the ritual of sex at Christmas.
Fifth, it may be about relief, which means deliverance of
pent-up tensions which cause distractions, discomfort, and
even pain. However reluctant the person may be to have such
deliverance, and however much he regards it as unworthy self-
indulgence, sooner or later he feels justified in getting it, or
else he continues to struggle against it with a feeling of nobility
and righteousness. For such people, relief is obtained through
things called outlets. If the outlet is regarded as a person, then
he feels guilty for using a person as an outlet; if she is not
regarded as a person, then he feels shame for failing in human-
ity. If the ~elief does not require another person - 'Every man
his own wife, or a honeymoon in the hand', as they say - then
he feels a secret triumph of self~sufficiency, along with loneli-
ness and disappointment and separation from the human race,
for this is one of the original sins forced on many by person-
ality and circumstance.
Sixth, it may be physiological readjustment, a pact entered
into to give a mutual feeling of well-being.
Seventh, it may be a pleasure to be sought assiduously, the
eternal chase after the promise of an orgasm.
Eighth, it may be a mutual pastime, a way of spending the
days while waiting for Santa Claus or death.
Ninth, it may be a play of seduction and retreat, of quarrels
and reconciliations, with the bed as a playing field for all the
psychological games that are known or that can be devised
between man and woman.
Tenth, it can be a medium for union and understanding, for
sealing other pacts and making new pacts, for approaching
ever closer to a meeting of two souls, for two curves that slide
along the carefully erected barriers between them.
Eleventh, it can be intimacy and attachment, the welding of
two solids by the heat of passion in a union that may endure
forever, if it does not crack under the hammer blows of life or
waste away under the monotonous drip of ever-haunting trivia.
48 Sex and Sex Organs
Twelfth, it can be the final and ever renewed expression of
love, culminating in its natural product, the fertilized egg, thus
completiQ.g the circle.*
Often the question 'What is sex all about, anyway?' is asked
with a kind of desperation. Then it usually means two things.
First, 'Why do I want it so badly?' The answer is that we are
built that way. Remember, we all started out as jellyfish, and it
took millions of years of natural selection for us to evolve into
people. The stronger and more energetic organisms that .
wanted it badly would on the whole leave more offspring, and
so their kind survived better than the ones that didn't. So here
we are striving to get it as hard as we can, except that we get
mixed up about it, and all sorts of people are helping to keep
us that way.
Which brings us to the second point that bothers a lot of
people: 'When am I going to get some?' The answer is that
you will when you're ready. You can get some right now if
you're willing to travel far enough and make the necessary
sacrifices and take what comes along. But then you may have
to face some consequences: possibly physical and mental and
moral, perhaps the betrayal of yourself and your parents, so it
may be better to wait until the time is ripe. In a way, waiting is
a shabby way to live, and it goes against nature, but - each one
can fill in his own hut's, or throw them all away.

d. THE PURPOSE OF SEX

Sex best fulfils its purposes by being. an end in itself. These

purposes are of two kinds: those evolved through a billion
years by the workings of nature and those set up ten thousand
years ago by the workings of men's minds.

*EW: Your idea is that humans absolutely have to need to must have
children and if not they are denying their basic biological cravings. We can
really only infer that it is biological to want children. Really all we can say
is that the craving or need is for copulation.
EB: Ah, sol
Why Sex is Necessary 49
From Nature's point of view our bodies are irrelevant except
as they are productive. We are living on a very small planet -
Jupiter is 1,300 times as large - and our chief distinction over
other heavenly bodies is that we are inhabited by walking
people. In order to stay inhabited, we must reproduce as fast as
or faster than we die. If there is any purpose to sex, therefore,
the greatest or cosmic purpose is the survival of our species,
and beyond that its continual evolution through variation -
that is, intermarriage - and improvement through natural
selection. In this respect, therefore, our bodies are there only to
carry the sperm and the eggs, and are themselves of no great
consequence. Our only duty to the cosmos is to survive into
puberty so ,that we can reproduce our kind. The only function
of the sperm and the eggs, in tum, is to form a vehicle and an
envelope for the genes they contain. In other words, the crux
that makes the earth different from any other lump of rock
that floats through space is a handful of human genes - and I
say this literally, since all the genes for the whole human race
could be held in the palm of your hand. So the sperm and the
egg are there only for the sake of these genes, and our bodies
are there for the sake of the sperm and the egg, and that is
their holy mission. In the grand design of the universe, we are
mail pouches for some great chain-letter scheme of our crea-
tor, whose end we will never know, any more than any other
mail pouch knows what news and what propositions it carries
in its belly. Sex is the fuel that drives this great project for-
ward, and without sex it would come to a standstill and
crumble away, leaving only dry bones to show that it ever
existed.
All human life, then, may be seen as a preparation for our
part in this production, followed by a nurturing of what we
produce, and after that a fading away as we tum it over to the
next generation. Fortunately, many can still enjoy sex after
they have played their parts. Those who fail to reproduce,
through design or endowment, may still be driven around and
into each other in a grand ecstasy which in part makes up for
what they have missed.
50 Sex and Sex Organs
For helping her to carry on this rare design, Nature offers us
a strange and wondrous fee. The orgasm is her reward to us
for making a new baby.* And with tremendous generosity, she
allows us to take as many as we like from her great basket of
pleasures, and does not even ask for them back if we fail to
produce. She also pensions us off liberally when we are too old
to produce. Nor does she punish us if we take steps to fool her
with contraception. For religious people, all this must be an
unparalleled example of God's inexhaustible charity. But there
is, it is true, an exception: dread diseases, which strike seem-
ingly at random. On the other hand, for those who refuse
these gifts altogether, there is a slow eating of envy and turn-
ing to stone : the same thing that makes their sex frigid makes
their brains rigid.
An offshoot of sex is the nesting drive, which makes men
build houses and women decorate them, and thus provides
children with a pleasant snuggery while they are waiting their
turn. And men and women, fortunately, become attached to
each other so they can keep these establishments going. At
least that is the way it should be, and the sexual circuits are
arranged in the chemistry of the body and the wiring of the
nervous system so that this is what will happen if nothing
interferes.
So much for Nature and what she has produced in the
course of evolution from the first primitive gen~s that formed
in the ocean to the human families that help each other sur-
vive by forming great societies. But we ourselves are not con-
tent to be mere seed carriers, and we elaborate sex and its
possibilities into something more complex and finer.
First, from sex comes our immortality. Our homes and busi-
nesses, our farms and factories, the books and paintings, and
all those things that we put together and pass on to our chil-
dren with the mark of our minds and hands upon them, will
pass away, they tell us. Shelley told it to us, how all the monu-
ments of Ozymandias crumbled into dust; and lean or ruddy
• E W: This is a male's idea.
EB: Some women have it too. Isn't that OK?
Why Sex is Necessary 51
ministers shout it from the pulpits every Sunday, and we see it
in the dread phrase of our time when all things that have our
personal mark are burned or taken away : 'The tanks of the
oppressors are coming, and they will destroy what we have
built and what is dear to us.' But our last hope is that our
children, product of our sex, will survive, and that our grand-
children, product of their sex, will have some memory of us,
and that our descendants far into the future will hear of us as
legends, the Founder and the Foundress of the tribe.
Second are the more immediate gains we have already
noted. As pure gratification, in every country it is a sport more
popular even than football, bowling, or television: the ever-
ready resort of the poor, and the sought-after delight of the
rich. It ma'kes pleasant hours that would otherwise be dull or
even dreary; some cultivate it like a rare herb or grass to
squeeze the last drop of dizzy delectation from it. It is an
excuse to form attachments that we yearn anyhow to prolong;
it cements us to the person who is the only hope in our cosmic
core of solitude; and for those who find spiritual fulfilment in
each other, it is a mystic form of primal communion.
And so in summary of what has been said above, sex is a
matrix for all kinds of the most lively transactions : embraces
and quarrels, seductions and retreats, construction and mis-
chief. In addition, it is an aid to happiness and work, a substi-
tute for all manner of drugs, and a healer of many sorts of
sickness. It is for fun, pleasure, and ecstasy. It binds people
together with cords of romance, gratitude, and love. And it
produces children. For human living and human loving all
that is what it is about, and all that is its purpose.

e. SEX AND SCIENCE

What have we given it in return? For the most part, up to

now, fear, scorn, disgust, and repudiation. There have been
many polls to tell us its varieties, and many journeys by
anthropologists to study its regulation, which is too often only
52 Sex and Sex Organs
its negation. There is little of science, and that from many
quarters met with cries of outrage or pretension. Most of what
I have said comes from guesswork, intuition, and reports with-
out stern statistical evaluation. The remedy is close at hand.
Let us take the statement that good sex means better health.
This would be easy to test, and I would propose the following
investigation.
It is well known that large numbers of college students have
regular sex. Another large number have irregular sex. A third
part has only masturbation, and a smaller number (probably)
has no sex at all. There should be little difficulty in getting
4,000 volunteers, 2,000 men and 2,000 women, 500 of each in
each of the four categories. (The only problem might be to find
1,000 who have no sex at all.) It would only be necessary to
compare the sex records and the health records of each of
these students during their four years at college in order to find
out whether better sex means worse or better health, and that
would be something well worth knowing, both for individuals
and for the medical profession. It could be an inexpensive pro-
ject, easily handled by one hard-working investigator (40 inter-
views a day for 100 days, and the rest of the time for sorting
cards and making tables). For a lazy worker, it could be made
into a more expensive and impressive project with a few secre-
taries and a computer. In any case, it is quite practical and
feasible. But no one has ever done it, as far as I can find out.
Incidentally, if Mr Taxpayer paid $100,000 in taxes per year,
his annual contribution to such a study would be only a small
fraction of one cent. I don't think he should begrudge this
small contribution to an important scientific undertaking; on
the other hand, I don't think he should take advantage of it to
interfere with the investigation.

f. SEX AND RELIGION

Nothing makes religious people as nervous as sex, or at least

unregulated sex. Since each religion has its own regulations,
people who go to different churches get nervous about different
Why Sex is Necessary 53
things. But their basic attitude is that sex is the concern of
religion, and they leave it to the priests, elders, or medicine
men to decide when it is sacred and when it is profane. Since
these people are retained by the establishment, the rules they
make usually favour older people rather than younger ones,
and officers rather than enlisted men.
Religious or not, there are some people who regard all sex as
sacred in some sense, and every man must have some secret
place for sacred things; if he does not, his mind is dust and he
is already on the road to death. On the other side are those
who regard all sex as profane. This includes bigots, and men of
principle such as the Russian Skoptzkies, who used to castrate
themselves ~s a pledge of good faith. Somewhat different are
the people who make it their business to profane everything
that others hold sacred. These may be organized into cults like
witches, or merely parade in pairs in public places in their Cuff
You sweatshirts.
From a certain point of view,* sex is either straight or
crooked. Which, depends on the 'contract' or understanding be-
tween the two parties. If they have a clear understanding and
stick with that, then it is straight. But if any corruption, exploita-
tion, deception, or ulterior motive is involved, then to that extent
it is crooked. Thus, even if there seems to be a clear understand-
ing, taking advantage of a weakness is crooked because of its
corruption. For example, getting sex from a child in return for
candy is corrupt, because even if she agrees to it, she is being
exploited; she doesn't know what she is getting into and what
the consequences may be. This judgement follows the legal
idea of a contract, where mere consent is not enough; it must
be 'informed' consent.
Clergymen who practise 'transactional analysis' distinguish
between sacred and profane sex as well as between straight and
crooked. In trying to bring the two together, it is likely that all
crooked sex would also be called profane. On the other hand,
not all straight sex would be considered sacred, and that is
where the two approaches differ.
*This refers to transactional analysis.
54 Sex and Sex Organs
There is a strong tendency to equate sacredness with solem-
nity: if it's fun, it can't be sacred, or if someone laughs, he is
profaning it. I don't think either of these attitudes is correct. If
sex is sacred, then fun and laughing, being equally happy and
human feelings, are sacred too.
In civilized countries, as elsewhere, sex is often more sacred
than human life. Thus in Texas people can be legally killed
even for non-violent sexual transgressions. On a larger scale,
in war it is all right to kill as many people as possible if the
right person gives the word, but there is no one who can give
the [Link] word for an outbreak of sexual joy.
In civil life, the battlecry 'Better death than sex' finds its
most sinister application in the American prison system.
There 200,000 inmates of state and Federal prisons are totally
deprived of normal sexual relations. Hence these men and
women, for the most part intense and energetic, take to homo-
sexuality and murder for their emotional expression. But no
one has so far dared give the word even for the married ones
to relax with their legal wives, and thereby offer some chance
for decency to prevail. (There are now some exceptions to
this.)
2
The Sexual Act

a. MALE AND FEMALE SEX ORGANS

The sexual apparatus of men is less complicated than that of

women, which is a source of pride to the biological female with
her rounded hips and breasts and the four dimples on the
lower part of her back which form the rhomboid of Michaelis
that is so beloved of sculptors of the female form. Indeed, this
rhomboid, ~hen well outlined, is one of the most beautiful
structures in nature, with its promise of all-embracing warmth
and fecundity that stirs the deepest nature of protective and
propagating biological man. If you have not previously looked
at and admired this most promising and beautiful of all the
valleys on this earth, I would recommend it to your attention.
As an object for sheer aesthetic pleasure, free of the more
turgid passions aroused by canyons found between the breasts,
the buttocks, and the thighs, it is unsurpassed.
The sexual equipment of the male consists of two small
crucibles, the testicles; each with its own still, the epididymis;
and its own little tank, the seminal vesicle. These lead to a
pump, the prostate, which delivers the product through a hy-
draulic ram, the penis. · The female starts with the ovaries,
which drop their ripened eggs like apples near the openings of
the Fallopian tubes, whose gentle petals waft them down the
tunnel towards the womb or uterus. The uterus is built to cradle
the growing embryo and feed it into maturity. At the other
end, the vagina is supplied with glands that lubricate to aid the
brawny thrust of the penis as it slides down the ways ready to
seed the new life with its seminal torpedoes. The vagina also
has muscles that squeeze and pulsate and sweet-talk the semen
towards its destination in the womb. Above its entrance is the
clitoris, an organ especially designed and supplied with special
56 Sex and Sex Organs
nerves for exquisite titillation leading into ultimate ecstasy. In
sum, then, the man has two exquisitely miniaturized cell fac-
tories and an aggressive delivery system. The woman is well
equipped to encourage and handle his deliveries, which she
pillows in the most beautifully constructed incubator in the
universe. She also has the equipment to nurse its grateful pro-
duct.
But psychological complications arise because the man sticks
out while the woman is tucked in, or, as someone said, the
man has outdoor plumbing and the woman has indoor plumb-
ing. Thus the man has built-in advertising which he can light
up at night when occasion calls for it, while the woman can
only do promotional work behind the scenes. It is something
like the difference between a roadside hamburger stand with
neon lights, and an elegant inn with the most discreet fa9ade
concealing its single downy chamber.

b. HOW IT BEGINS

Sigmund Freud said seventy years ago that most dreams of

adults treat of sexual material and give expression to erotic
wishes.1 He decided this by studying the psychology of
dreams, but he had no concrete evidence. Many people, includ-
ing medical men, found this idea unlikely, unpleas;mt, or even
repulsive, but Freud stuck to his guns. Now the concrete evi-
dence is here. Modern sleep research shows that nearly all
dreams, in the male at least, are preceded or accompanied by
an erection.2 The same is probably true of females, although
that is harder to establish. This means that there is a lot of
sexual activity going on in both sexes while they are asleep,
and that erections occur about every ninety minutes through
the night. This can go on for years or even a lifetime without
the person'!> ever being aware of it.
In waking life, the sex act for the male begins with an erec-
tion. No erection, no sex. The penis was designed by a careful
engineer. All year round, the blood flows in and out smoothly
The Sexual Act 57
and without hindrance, unless the inflow increases and the
outflow is blocked. If these things happen, the blood collects in
little caverns provided for that purpose. The organ soaks it up
likt'i a sponge and begins to hang a little bigger. As the blood
continues to pile up, it fills all the spaces until they start to
bulge. Pretty soon the whole penis is turgid and tight as a
drum.
There are two theories as to what happens inside to bring the
erection about. The blood is brought in by arteries and flows
out through veins. One theory is that the arteries open wider
so that the blood rushes in faster than the veins can carry it
away. The other is that the largest vein is closed off just before
it leaves ili,e penis to enter the body, so that the blood piles up
in front of it.
Let us consider the second theory first, since it is more. ele-
gant. If the largest vein is blocked off, the blood cannot get out
until the pressure is high enough to overcome the block or to
force a passage roundabout through other smaller veins. This
main vein is shaped like a thin-walled flexible rubber tube. Near
its exit from the penis, there is a little band of muscle lying
across it in such a way that if the muscle contracts, the tube is
shut off. Then the blood cannot flow out as it usually does. It
piles up behind the dam and the penis swells like a - like a -
like a penis, and the more it swells the tougher it gets. The more
excited the man is, the harder his phallus grows. It swells so
much that if the cap on the end is flexible it may turn up a
little. He may feel as though he is going to burst if he doesn't
find a place to put it, but there is no fear of that. The blood
can always force its way through the other little veins before
things get out of hand. Nature has set it up so th~ no matter
how hard the hydraulic battle, there is no chance of a blow-
out.
The little muscle that starts the ball rolling is known to
anatomists as the Compressor venae dorsalis penis, compressor
of the vein on the back of the penis (not the vein you can see
there, although that may throb too, but one buried inside). It is
called, for short, Houston's muscle. If it is true that erections
58 Sex and Sex Organs
depend on this muscle, then for the most part procreation de-
pends on it, too. Houston's muscle will always contract if the
right kind of electrical impulses go down the right nerves, but
it will stay relaxed as long as they don't. Through natural
selection in the course of evolution, this muscle and the nerves
going to it have become one of the most reliable triggers
known. It can function perfectly for as long as eighty-eight
years without oiling or parts replacement, even under the
hardest conditions of use.
Nearly all difficulties in erection originate with the operator
and not with the mechanism - pilot's error, as they say in
aircraft circles. The impulses to the penis are sent down from
the brain, and there is a little man up there who is supposed to
keep his finger on the button when the signal flashes green and
all systems are Go. But if he gets tired, scared, distracted, or
upset, he may relax the pressure or release the button, even
when the light is green. Since it is a fail-safe button or dead-
man's throttle, once it is released, the mechanism is discon-
nected and goes back into idle. The little man is of course the
Child in the person, and if he chickens out there is no erection
even though all the wiring is sound and even though there is
lots of stimulation coming in from the outside.
It is interesting to note that the existence of Houston's
muscle is unknown to many people, including medical men. It
is not even mentioned by that name in Gray's Anatomy, so
that most medical students go through medical school without
ever hearing about it. Yet if this account is correct, the whole
existence of the human race and its most ecstatic moments
depend on this neglected strip of tissue, so beautifully set up to
transform a short soft organ into a long hard one through the
laws of physics.
There is no set of experiments in animals or humans to
prove that this 'rubber band' theory of erection is entirely
wrong, but there are some that show that it is not entirely
right.3 In fact, any male can do his own experiment. If erec-
tion results simply from compression of the veins in the penis,
so that blood can get in but cannot get out except under very
TheSexualAct 59
high pressure, then anything that compresses the veins without
shutting off the arteries should bring an erection about. It is
easy to find an ordinary rubber band to fit tightly around the
penis, and presumably compress the veins, without shutting the
circulation off entirely. But even if it is left on for five or ten
minutes, which is plenty of time for blood to collect if it is going
to, no erection will follow.' Too bad, because if it did work, it
would be an admirably simple cure for impotence, and a great
deal of human frustration and unhappiness could be avoided.
There are possible flaws in this do-it-yourself experiment, and
it might not be completely convincing to an experienced re-
searcher, but it does cast serious doubt on the 'rubber band'
theory in ,simplest form.
The second theory, that the arteries expand and pour in so
much blood that the veins simply cannot carry it off, now
seems more likely. But there is no way to expand these arter-
ies artificially, so potency must be left in the hands of nature
and psychiatry. There is a drug called yohimbine, that comes
from the West African Yohimbebe tree, which was once pro-
moted as a true dilator of the penile arteries, but few people
who tried it found that it really helped. Spanish fly, the most
popular aphrodisiac in folklore, acts by causing an inflamma-
tion that may be dangerous or even fatal.*
We do not have to give up Houston's muscle and its elegant
mechanism entirely, because it is likely that in man the best
erections result from a combination of both effects. There is an
increased flow of blood due to the expansion of the arteries,
and also some clamping down on the veins, and between the
two of them the phallus attains its greatest degree of hardness.
With the woman, things are more complicated. Sexual ex-
citement begins with lubrication of the vagina, which may take
place a few seconds after she decides to go along. Some min-
utes after that, the clitoris becomes distended. No one knows

•Dopa (dihydroxyphenylalanine), a substance now used in the treatment

of Parkinsonism or palsy, is said to be a true aphrodisiac and penile erector
in people suffering from that disease, but it is considered too powerful for
normal use because of its many possible side-effects.
60 Sex and Sex Organs
quite how that happens! but there is no reason to suppose that
there is not a Houston's muscle in the female as well as in the
male, since anatomists agree that there are muscle fibres in the
clitoris similar to those in the penis. They may help by dam-
ming back the blood at the same time as the excited arteries
pour it in, thus making the clitoris larger and firmer. But the
clitoris is also pulled upward and may disappear from sight,
which the penis does not. In a fully desirous woman, the cervix
too swells and pulsates, 'sending out urgent signals to the vag-
ina to get filled up', as Amaryllis puts it.

C. MALE POWER

The sexual power of the male has three elements: potency,

force, and drive .. Potency is shown by the firmness of his erec-
tion, force by the ardour of his thrust, and drive by the muzzle
velocity of his ejaculation.
There are several degrees of potency or erection. In the first,
the penis is slightly enlarged and hangs a little away from the
body. In a social situation, the bearer may hardly be aware that
he is quickened. He will suffer no embarrassment, since the
enlargement cannot usually be noticed by those around him.
This condition may be called 'social stir', as in the following
news item: 'Amaryllis caused a social stir among the men as
she entered the room in her erectile miniskirt.' At this point it
should be mentioned that most women know the difference
between 'well-dressed' and 'not well-dressed', but only a few
know the difference between a 'good-looking dress' or a 'low-
cut dress' and an 'erectile dress'. The same applies to other
articles of female apparel.
In the second degree, the organ is long and stiff, but will still
bend if it is hand-snapped or meets any opposition. Being so,
unless the partner is open and well lubricated, it will not be
able to penetrate, but will give way instead. That was the pre-
dicament of the young Englishman in the famous limerick on
this very subject.
The Sexual Act 61
There was a young man of Kent
Whose kirp in the middle was bent.
To save himself trouble
He put it in double,
And instead of coming, he went.

In honour of this double-jointed Briton, such a state may be

called the Kentish curse, although it should more properly be
termed 'cautious kirp', since it is usually due to the presence of
some doubts as to whether to go ahead with the project. The
man may be seduced by the woman or by his own desire to
prove his potency, but 'in peno* veritas', as Dr Horseley puts
it, his phallus remains unconvinced. It may be a question of
making up after a quarrel, or of the immediate consequences
of the act, or of what the future may hold, or of some lack of
firmness in his attitude towards the opposite sex. In short,
there may be some fear of or hesitation in committing himself
at that time, which he (his Adult) may be willing to overlook.
But his penis (under the control of his more sensitive Child) is
not so easily inveigled as he is, and remains sceptical in spite
of this licence.
In the third degree, the phallus reaches its full size but not
its full nobility. It is stuffed, rigid, and ready for action of a
kind, but sometimes it falters too quickly and ejaculates before
·either partner has had a chance for full expression. This is
colloquially known as 'quick on the trigger'. In the fourth
stage, the man is like a charging unicorn, not only stiff and
ready, but so turgid and eager that he feels he must start his
thrust or burst with the fullness of his potency. It is in this
state that the cap sometimes turns upward, as though pleading
to the heavens for immediate fulfilment. That is the ultimate
turn-on, when the man will rush ahead at almost any cost, and
this is the carnal spindle around which all great courtship
struggles are spun in literary romance. In general, this condi-
tion is called 'raring to go'. The special cases where the cap
turns up (because some penises are constructed that way) may

•I know 'peno' is not the correct form, but it fits in better that way.
62 Sex and Sex Organs
be called 'Peyronie's pride', in honour of the physician who
first made a formal study of that phenomenon. 5
Once the stronghold is captured, in church or in the hay,
the powerful urge of thrust takes over. The uncorrupted bio-
logical man feels an overwhelming desire to push into the vag-
ina as hard as he can and deposit his semen there.* He will
thrust again and again, reaching for the profoundest depths,
and clinging to his partner with all his strength as though no
earthly force could ever tear them apart through all of time,
even though he senses that the end is not far away. Such
ardour is most likely to occur if his phallus is in the fourth and
most noble state of its erection, the genuine procreative instru-
ment of human nature. But if there is any spurious element
behind its force, the animal thrust will lose its power and must
be consciously reinforced. This most commonly happens if the
man is more interested in glory than in sex, is frightened of
what he has got himself into, or is swindling the woman for his
own pleasure. In those cases he may try to make it last as long
as possible to hear her sighs, or as short as possible to get away
quickly, or he may be aware of the time but callously indiffer-
ent. If a come too fast will hurt his pride, the thrusting scares
him lest it throw the elixir out too soon; hence he may thrust
but little, hoping thus to make it last at least until his mate is
satisfied, after which he can proceed with a clear conscience
and dignity unimpaired, at his own pace.
The unhampered biological thruster is so intent on what he
is doing, withal automatically, that he does not concern him-
self with time or very much with his partner's reaction, al-
though it gives him the deepest satisfaction if she does react
naturally at that great dynamic moment when he attains his
goal and deposits his seed where it will do the most good. Such
an intensive, almost insensible attitude is exactly the one most
likely to bring the woman to the highest pitch of excitement

•This is the movement previously referred to, in the language of The

Perfumed Garden, as dok, with the female response hez. In vulgar English,
dok is bump and hez is grind. Kinematically, the man's pelvis pitches around
transverse axis, while the woman's yaws around a vertical or sagittal one·
The Sexual Act 63
and produce in her the most satisfying orgasm. The force of
such thrusts is not brutality, it is biology. But if the woman,
instead of responding from her deepest and most genuine
nature, becomes interested in the thrust as an end in itself, she
may regard it and crave it as brutality, and the same goes for
the man.
But the description of unhampered biological activity is an
ideal rather than a reality. There is no such thing as unhamp-
ered sex in the human race. All societies are organized around
sexual prohibitions, which seep through even in moments of
the highest excitement and corrupt the purity of these re-
sponses. At one end there is compliance and overconcern, and
at the othe,r rebellion, cruelty, and dishonesty. Somewhere in
the middle is real intimacy, with free functioning of sexuality.
At its best, sex can be a blast-off from earthbound to 30,000
feet, with an intoxicating slow descent. But less than that can
still be more than plenty, and even a flight above the housetops
is more invigorating than keeping both feet on the ground. No
one can fairly demand more than going through the roof, and
every foot above that is a bonus.
What we are talking about here is the third aspect of mascu-
line power. Drive is the power with which the semen at the
moment of ejaculation is hurled into the vagina by the piston-
like contractions of the JJrostate. It is probable (although not
certain) that the height of the orgasm, that is, the felt altitude
of the orgastic trip in feet or metres, depends on the power of
the drive.
Thus on the quiet side is the man with an incomplete erec-
tion, restrained thrust, and low drive, and at the other extreme
the one with an overstuffed ram-like phallus, who thrusts with
mighty abandon and propels the semen with great power into
the place provided for it by nature. But anywhere along this
spectrum, the man can impregnate the woman, and if she is
properly prepared, also cause her to have an orgasm.*
Of these three elements, the one most under conscious con-
*EW: This 'properly prepared' is an old idea in sex manuals, but what
about her preparedness separate from his causing it?
64 Sex and Sex Organs
trol is thrust. The erection can be terminated by an act of will,
which simply means saying Stop! (or, as it is told in the joke
books, Down, Fido!), but there is no magic word which will
bring it back or harden it again. Up, Fido! just doesn't work
all by itself. There has to be some bait, either living or artificial,
to make it rise. The most automatic is ejaculation, which can-
not be consciously hastened and can be postponed for only a
few seconds once it is triggered. The power of the drive de·
pends mostly on physical factors, while the nobility of the erec-
tion and the force of the thrust depend on psychological ones.
The sexual power of a man is influenced chiefly by two
women: his mother (or maybe his big sister), who encouraged
or discouraged his masculinity and his sexuality while he was
growing up; and his partner, who has it in her power to elevate
and stimulate, or to depress and inhibit him, by the way she
responds. The older man is particularly sensitive about his
mate. If she turns him off too often, he may begin to lose his
potency and go into middle-age droop, a condition which may
become progressively more severe, but is nearly always revers-
ible if put in the hands of an enthusiastic practitioner.
Often a man's sexual power is reflected in his daily life, as
many wives maintain. He may be hard, aggressive, and full of
drive; or he may bend easily in the face of opposition, lack
force and thrust, and dribble off at the end or fail to finish
what he begins.

d. FEMALE POWER

The female and the male complement each other, and her
power has three corresponding elements : profusion, force,
and grasp. Profusion is represented by lubrication, force is
manifested in counterthrust, and grasp is shown by muscular
contractions.
Lubrication of the vagina naturally makes it easy for the
phallus to slide in. If there is no lubrication at all (analoiphia),
someone is likely to get skinned. Some women get so turned
The Sexual Act 65
on that the happy oil or joy juice, as they call it, overflows
(hyperloiphia) while they swing into one orgasm after another.
Sometimes a woman may get excited enough in a social situa-
tion to lubricate slightly or even profusely, much to her pride or
embarrassment. As with the male, such an event may be called
'social stir'. Lubrication, however, does not always mean that
the woman is going to respond; she may accept the penis, but
refuse to be excited by it.* But if all goes well, lubrication is
followed by a turgid clitoris. Vaginal lubrication, together with
clitoral swelling, corresponds to potency in the male, so when
it is convenient to do so, the word potency can be applied to
both sexes.
Counterthrust may be biologically the woman's response to
the prospect of impregnation, or psychologically, to her drive
for ultimate closeness. It may be demoted to a mere pleasure-
seeking mechanism. True biological counterthrust is not self-
conscious or calculating; it is not a question of trying to wring
the greatest amount of pleasure out of the act; it is something
the woman has to do because she wants so much to get the
penis as deeply as possible inside her. Some women start off
with counterthrust as pleasure-seeking, but are overtaken by its
biological compulsiveness and begin to respond more naturally.
Grasping is the counterpart of drive. At the moment of
orgasm, which may coincide with the man's ejaculation, the
vagina grasps the penis again and again in waves of muscular
contraction, as though trying to milk out the semen. This
sends waves of reaction through her partner and may increase
the driving force of his ejaculation. There may also be slower
grasping motions that are equally pleasurable.
The woman's sexuality is reflected in her other characteristic
responses to a man. She makes herself accessible to him and
lubricates their actions together. When he comes towards her,
she comes forward to meet him halfway. When he is driving
towards some goal, she responds to him with exquisite emo-
tional rhythm and helps to draw the best out of him, thus
* E W: Women who do that can be called good sports.
EB: Why not sulks?
66 Sex and Sex Organs
offering him inspiration. If she has been raised by her mother
or father to avoid or despise such natural responses, she will be
awkward or nasty, not only in her sexual transactions, but also
in her other relations with men. She· will be inaccessible or
abrasive, unresponsive, and competitive or belittling, rather
than receptive, responsive, and encouraging.*
At one end of the female spectrum is the woman who does
not lubricate or get excited, lies still and unmoved, and receives
the ejaculation passively. t At the other is the one who lubri-
cates profusely, reaches a high level of excitement, responds to
every thrust, giving as good as she gets, and grasps the penis
tightly as though to help out the last lingering drop of ejacula-
tion.

e. THE ORGASM

The human orgasm is one of the most intimately and admir-

ably planned and synchronized events in all of nature. Both
anatomically and physiologically, it shows the splendid selec-
tion of the course of evolution. Exactly what the man needs
the woman has, and exactly what the woman needs the man
has. Their temperature, pressure, and precipitation match each
other in just the right way to form Cloud 9 in an explosive
discharge of creative energy that involves all of both of them:
physical, chemical, muscular, electrical, and psychological. If
it works right, each of them will emerge with a mind pure and
jree, brain washed clean of troubles and ready to start life
anew. Or, as someone said, the only time human beings are
* E W: Why don't you put a list of similar not-OK words at the end of
the section on male power?
tEW: Why blame her? Maybe he's a necrophile. And in the next sen-
tence, you expect her to do everything.
EB: I'm thinking about natural selection, and picking out those items
which seem to me to increase the chances of selection and fertilization, as
well as the survival of the individual in a competitive world. Maybe it would
have come out differently if Darwin had been a woman.
EW: That's an interesting thought.
TheSexualAct 61
sane is in the ten minutes after intercourse. Or, as someone else
said, every night spent alone is wasted.
Each sex has two different ways of bringing this about. In
the male, the glans or cap is the most sensitive part of the
penis, and stimulation of that area at the right time can bring
about a rapid and rather unsatisfactory ejaculation, which just-
ifies the Marquis de Sade's injunction to his partners: 'Never
touch the cap! ' (This is one of the few things in his writings
that come out right.) The shaft is less touchy and produces a
more leisurely enjoyment. The most voluptuous area is where
the shaft and the cap meet at the corona, which is a trigger area
for the orgasm. Similarly in the woman, the clitoris is more
touchy tha~ the vaginal lining, and clitoral stimulation can
bring about an orgasm which, according to many women,
leaves much to be desired. Here again the most sensitive point
may be where the tip of the clitoris and the vaginal lining lie
close· together.
There is a splendid synchronization between male and fe-
male orgasms. The man's loins move, his prostate contracts,
and his semen hurls forward in exactly the same rhythm as the
pulsations of the woman's vagina and clitoris. This is due to an
automatic rebound of certain types of muscle fibres. This
mutual rebound is repeated again and again until the reflexes
of one partner wear out. The other may continue to contract
and expand for a long time after that, often to the amazement
and admiration of the satisfied one. Some partners even prefer
to have their orgasms at different times so that they can get a
kind of double enjoyment of one another in this way, but
others would rather come together in one overwhelming wave
of ecstasy.
This muscular rhythm of thrust and grasp feeds and rein-
forces the timing of the two clocks involved: one in the pros-
tate, which determines the rhythm of the ejaculatory spasms,
and the other in the clitoris, which has its own rhythm and
regulates or coincides with the rhythm of the vaginal contrac-
tions. One of the wonders of evolution is that these two timers
usually work at exactly the same speed : four-fifths of a second
68 Sex and Sex Organs
per pulse. The balance wheels of these alternating clocks are
the ejaculatory centres in the spinal cord, so a nervous rhythm
is at the bottom of it all, just as in a jellyfish or snail or an
angel playing the harp.

f. THE PSYCHOLOGY OF SEX

The sexual responses in both sexes are determined partly by

built-in, or biological factors and partly by mind-cuffing, or
psychological factors. Once the orgasm is triggered, the
built-in biological circuits take over and the mind gets un-
cuffed, but up to that moment, voices in the head and voices in
the bed strongly influence what happens, how it happens, when
it happens, and who happens. Even more important than those
voices, however, are the hidden pictures in the back of the
mind, the primal images of the two partners, which determine
their potency and thrust if not their drive.
The psychological or mind-cuffing factors at work on the
male, with a similar list for the female, are as follows :
1. Whether he is fearful or enthusiastic about sex. The most
important single factor here is his mother's voice saying either
'Watch out!' or 'Go to it!'
2. Whether he is dishonest or honest about it. This is usually
decided by his father's voice or example saying either 'Snatch
it! ' 'Listen to her holler! ' or 'Both of you enjoy yourselves.'
3. Whether his partner is responsive, neutral, or discourag-
ing. Her voice tells him which by being warm and soft, in-
different, or cold and threatening. Her muscles go along, being
loving, dead, or uptight, while her glands can make it smooth
and damp, or rough and dry.
4. The external situation, especially the possibility of being
interrupted or stimulated by other people, including children,
and mosquitoes and their ilk.
5. His primal image of the female sex organs.
If he succeeds in digging up his primal image, it may be
quite different from what he expected. Thus an obstetrician,
The Sexual Act 69
whose Adult was thoroughly familiar with the actual appear-
ance of these organs under all sorts of conditions, was sur-
prised to discover that his Child still pictured the vagina as an
enormous dark bottomless cave in which his penis or even his
whole body could get lost. In another example it was a narrow
passage full of barbs that must be avoided by anyone who en-
tered there. The power of such images to affect erection,
thrust, and drive may depend partly on the actual physical
condition of the vagina as seen and felt by the phallus. If it
feels loose, that may turn it into a scary cave for the first man
and relieve the second; if it feels tight, the cave man may feel
safer, but the trap man may become alarmed and want to get
out of there quickly.
Incredible, as it may seem, sometimes the penis, or even the
fingers, can see as well as feel. This is called synaesthesia.
Everybody's Adult knows that the vagina is really red and
stays red, but to the phallus its colour may change with the
degree of lubrication. Dry, it may feel purple; slightly moist, it
may seem brown; and when it is very slippery, it may feel
bright blue. These are common synaesthetic impressions, but
each penis may have its own colour card. 6
The woman has her primal image of the phallus, which
affects her responses in a similar way. To her Child, it may
seem like a jutting mass of hardness which is going to pene-
trate too far, a sharp knife which is going to cut her, or a thin
round which is too small for her to grasp and control before it
slips away. Some women may also have colour reactions de-
pending on the slipperiness of the penis, which is really the
result of their own lubrication.
There are also more favourable primal images. To the man,
the vagina may look like a cosy resting place or a caressing
hand, or the clitoris like a seductive nipple; while to the
woman, his penis may look like a lollipop or a Tootsie-roll or a
mushroom. These images are not, as is commonly assumed,
'unconscious'. They can be easily seen by anyone who is alert
enough to stop them as they float by. It is important to know
this because primal images can have a decisive effect on male
70 Sex and Sex Organs
and female sexual power, and there is no need to lie around
for a long time to uncover them. They are lurking stark naked
in the background all along.
Many statements about the psychology of sex are based on
personal preferences rather than on careful study. Some sex
psychologists have their own kind of strict morality; for ex-
ample: 'The male is excited by what he does to the female, not
by what the female does to him; while the female is excited by
what the male does to her, not by what she does to him.'7 Like
puritanical schoolmasters, they disapprove of energetic women
and luxury-loving men. They set up a standard type of human
being who can have all the different types of sex. This may
work no better than the lawmakers' policy of setting up a
· standard type of sex for all the different kinds of human be-
ings. And Amaryllis says that fashions change in sex. 'Even
the birth-control movement has done a complete about-face,'
she remarks in her cryptic way. 'It used to be a downward
swing of the arm with the diaphragm, and now it's an upward
swing with the pill.'

g. THE BIOLOGY OF SEX

In the course of evolution, potency, thrust and drive in the

male, and profusion, counterthrust and grasp in the female
have probably all contributed to the efficient propagation of the
human race. Animals raised a certain way, for example, will
lack these qualities and have a low reproduction rate. 8 Thus,
by physiological selection, the sexier members would have an
advantage over the less sexy ones in reproducing their kind, so
we may assume that Homo sapiens has got sexier and sexier
through the centuries and millenniums, and is far more lusty
and lecherous and lewd than his ancestors who lived in caves.
Or even than those who lived in the primeval monkey forests
before there were any men, since man is the sexiest mammal
there is, nearly always ready on any day of the week or at any
phase of the moon.
The Sexual Act 71 ·
The biological purpose of the male orgasm is to blast the
semen at its target, which oddly enough is not the opening of
the uterus, but a pocket at the hack of the vagina. This puts the
spermatozoa into orbit, after which they turn on their own
little engines for the second stage, when they shoot for the
moon, which is the little egg lying above them in the ovarian
tube. This is a ruthless race, in which the winner takes all and
the losers die. Whichever sperm hits the egg first captures it
forever and excludes all the others; there is no vice president in
this election, and no second place. The swimming distance, in
man-size terms, is about two miles, all of it a steeplechase over
curves and hurdles and rapids and dams, and much of it up-
stream. It is more exciting than ten million horse races, for
there are several hundred million sperm in each race. It is
certainly awesome to realize that that is what happens inside
the woman every time the man fires his starting gun. And
every man is a hero here. Whether he is tall or short, hand-
some or ugly, strong or weak, young or old makes no differ-
ence; as long as he can throw sperm, he can at his own will
start a race which is the equivalent of the whole population of
North and South America milling around in Lake Erie.
The intense pleasure attending the male orgasm probably
serves mainly to make it attractive and sought after, and that
goes for the female orgasm too. But the biological function of
the female orgasm remains unknown.* Sexual excitement,
especially lubrication, changes the chemistry of the woman's
reproductive system to make it a more congenial summer re-
sort for the sperm, but the orgasm itself does not seem to add
much. At any rate, women seem to get pregnant just as easily
if they do not have an orgasm as if they do, so the orgasm may
be desirable, and possibly helpful, but it is not necessary.
It would appear that the male orgasm is necessary for im-

*I believe that the real 'purpose' of orgasm is psychological resuscitation.

It acts like an electric shock treatment on the brain, redistributing its poten-
tials so that the mind is cleared. This is similar to the sorting function of
REM sleep noted in Psychiatric News, October 1969, based on the work of
R. Greenberg and E. M. Dewan.
72 Sex and Sex Organs
pregnation, but there is no certainty even about that. Some
men secrete 'love-water' from the prostate long before they
come, and that may have a few wandering sperm in it. This
fact may be important for two reasons. First, it indicates that
even if the man does not follow up the love-water with an
ejaculation, or withdraws and ejaculates outside, he might still
impregnate the woman. That would be particularly apt to hap-
pen if there were a few sperm swimming around in his sperm-
atic system from a recent previous ejeaculation, since that
would increase the likelihood of some being washed out with
the love-water. Secondly, any sperm that do leak into the vag-
ina with the love-water have a headstart over those thrown in
later, and might therefore have an advantage in the race to the
ovum. Thus it may be that love-water sperm are more likely to
start a baby than ejaculated sperm, and this might possibly
have a bearing on various problems of fertility and develop-
ment.
Let us review the biological events. Maximum erection and
maximum lubrication ensure maximum penetration, aided by
thrust and counterthrust. At the critical moment, maximum
drive is reinforced by maximum grasp. All this ensures that the
maximum amount of semen will get as far back as it can go,
and that is the best situation to ensure impregnation. As al-
ready noted, the contrast would be a little bit of semen drib-
bling down the outside of a dry vagina, which would give little
chance for the egg to be fertilized; and there are many degrees
in between. But one way is more likely to work than another,
and in evolution a very slight increase in probability can ex-
pand into a large advantage over many generations, just like a
thousand years of compound interest.
Something to remember, however, is that even with no erec-
tion, no lubrication, and no thrust, the probability of impregna-
tion is greater than zero. It is possible for any ejaculation in
the region of the female sex organs to produce, more or less
rarely, a perfectly healthy offspring, or even twins. (It is pos-
sible to have twins, as the earnest clergyman learned to his
surprise, even though you have only been naughty once.)
The Sexual Act 73
One of the most interesting biological features is the way the
woman is set up to welcome the man. As her excitement in-
creases, her vagina graciously widens and lengthens to accom-
modate him better, and as a final touch, her uterus politely lifts
itself out of his way so that he can have an unobstructed chan"'
nel. Only after he has permanently withdrawn does the uterus
come down again to dip its mouth into the pool of womb-
nourishing semen that he, responding to her open generosity,
has lovingly and courteously and firmly presented her with.
On the other hand, in many ways sexual intercourse is a
battle between the sexes. The harder he pushes down, the
harder she pushes up; and the bigger his penis gets, the harder
she clamps down on it; conversely, the harder she clamps
down, the bigger his penis is likely to get. It is as though she is
trying to make him smaller, and he is trying to make her
bigger. But it is an interesting kind of battle, because if they
bring it to a completely successful conclusion, they both win.
He ends up smaller than he started out, and she gets bigger and
bigger and bigger. And on the average, there is a rough kind of
arithmetic about it, too. His phallus gets a few ounces lighter
ten or twenty or a hundred times to make her a few pounds
heavier once.*
As long as this 'battle' is equal, as it is supposed to be, it is
actually a cooperative effort rather than a contest. But if it is
unequal, it may really turn into a conflict, or even a running
brawl, for then the stronger partner feels frustrated, disap-
pointed and unappreciated, and the weaker one feeble, guilty
and angry, or worse, gloating with perverse and unseemly tri-
umph. These unhealthy feelings may be carried into the every-
day living of the couple, deeply embedded in unpleasant games
that cause their stomachs to churn, their muscles to tighten,
and their blood pressure to rise, so that they may live for years
in physical as well as mental discomfort. Not only do they
wreak their vengeance on their children and the other people
around them (sometimes with political force), but their bodies
*EW: I don't like that one at all.
EB: It's rough, but thought-provoking. Life is very strangely contrived.
74 Sex and Sex Organs
begin to give way under the strain until their troubles settle
into the organ or system with the least resistance, starting with
'psychosomatic' complaints.
People in such a situation are generally looking for ammuni-
tion to use against their partners, and I would certainly not
want anything I have written here to be used for such a dis-
reputable purpose. While in biology and evolution sex is the
chief product of life (so that the first instructions of God to
Adam and Eve, after saying hello, were: 'Be fruitful, and
multiply, and replenish the earth'), in the scale of human
values it is, or should be, only second. That is why God said
'Hello! ' (or 'Bless you! ' vyorech asom, Gen. I : 28) before he
gave them any instructions, because 'Hello' is the one thing
more important than sex in human relations. It means, 'We're
in this together, so let's play it straight.' The moral is, don't
put your man or woman down for not being an ideal sex
partner. First listen to how he says 'Hello' - and also to how
a
you say it. straight man with a crooked penis is better than a
crooked man with a straight one, and the right woman with
the wrong vagina is better than the wrong woman with the
right one.
This brings us to the very human, but often unstraight, ways
in which sex organs can be used for purposes other than ferti-
lization.

Notes and References

1. Freud, S.: The Interpretation of Dreams (fourth edition). The

Macmillan Company, New York, 1915, p. 240.
2. Fisher, C., Gross, I., and Zuch, I.: 'A Cycle of Penile Erec-
tions Synchronous with Dreaming (REM) Sleep'. Archives of Gen-
eral Psychiatry 12: 29-45, January 1965. They found erections in
95 per cent of 86 REM periods in 17 subjects.
•3. The Ischiocavemosus is also called the Erector penis in men and
the Erector clitoridis in women. Its action is thus described in
Gray's Anatomy (28th edition, Longmans, London, 1967):
The Sexual Act 75
'The lschiocavernosus compresses the crus penis, and retards the
return of the blood through the veins, and thus serves to maintain
the organ erect' in the male. For the female the same action is
given, putting 'clitoris' for 'penis'. Only one inconsequential word
has been changed in this since the 23rd edition (1926), and that is
what medical students have learned about the mechanism of erec-
tion for the last forty years. Houston's muscle would thus be a
special band of Ischiocavernosus, functioning as the Compressor
venae dorsalis penis (or clitoridis). The chief opponents of the
lschiocavernosus theory of erection nowadays are Masters and
Johnson (Human Sexual Response, op. cit.). The lethargy in regard
to this presumably important question is shown by the fact that the
two pertinent citations given by these authors date from 1921 and
1933. They say that 'little support is given now' to the Ischiocaver-
nosus concept, but D. W. Fawcett, for example, who is Professor
of Anatomy at Harvard, supports it in his article on the Repro-
ductive System in the Encyclopaedia Britannica (1967). Masters and
Johnson offer the alternative that 'the veins of the penis are believed
to possess valves that slow down the return of the blood'. If such
an apparatus is found to exist, it does not necessarily mean that the
Ischiocavernosus contractions ipso facto cease to exist. Dr John
Houston's valves work very well in the rectum (Houston's valves,
plicae transversalis recti), and there is no reason why his muscle
should not work equally well on the erectile tissues.
On the other hand, the 1933 reference mentioned above is an
excellent piece of research done by two competent pharmacological
physiologists from the University of Toronto ('On the Mechanism
of Erection', V. E. Henderson and M. H. Roepke. American Jour-
nal of Physiology 106: 441-8, 1933). These authors, working with
dogs in the early days of acetylcholine research, conclude that 'the
vasoclilatation on stimulating the dilator nerves to the penis is due
to a local hormonal mechanism', and that 'erection is not due to a
compression of the efferent veins by skeletal muscle action', although
'ischiocavernosus, muscular contractions may play some minor part'.
'There is a rapid rise of pressure ... within the corpora cavernosa,
which may well make the venous outtlow inefficient.' However. they
did observe 'sudden sharp increases in the volume of the penis ...
due to sudden short spontaneous contractions of the ischiocaverno-
sus muscles, which, owing to their somewhat spiral arrangement
... could produce some pressure on the parts of the corpora lying
beneath them ... after each [contraction] a gain in the amount of
76 Sex and Sex Organs
erection was noticed.' There are a few other small ambiguities in
their findings, and there the matter rests until someone figures out
a definitive way of demonstrating the anatomical and physiological
mechanism in human beings.
4. This simple method of verification was suggested by Dr James
Daly, or' St Mary's Hospital in San Francisco. It only remains for
some courageous investigator to find out what happens if a rubber
band exerting just the right amount of pressure is put on after
erection is established. Will it maintain the erection indefinitely
even if other stimuli are avoided? Or if it is put on after ejacula-
tion, but with erection still present? Amateur researchers are
cautioned not to have the rubber band on during ejaculations, as
this will force the semen back into the bladder, a procedure once
favoured by Oriental and Arab voluptuaries, but one not recom-
mended because the ultimate effects are doubtful and may be
damaging.
5. Fran~ois de la Peyronie (1678-1747). There is some question
about the super-erection with the turned-up end. A lady who knows
about such things informs me that in her opinion this is a normal
manifestation of super-excitement. On the other hand, the same
phenomenon occurs in Peyronie's disease (plastic induration of tl;ie
penis), variously attributed to physical trauma, vascular changes,
prolonged abstinence, or lack of adequate gratification. Sometimes
the curvature is so marked as to make intromission difficult or
impossible. Peyronie's disease is usually accompanied by pain on
erection. The plaques are palpable but may disappear spontaneously
(Human Sexuality 2: Sfr-7, September 1968). Since a similar curva-
ture occurs in many toy balloons when they are blown up as far
as they can go, it may be a normal anatomico-physiological pheno-
menon due to differential elasticity in the dorsal and ventral anchor-
ages of the glans. But cf. Glenn, J. F.: 'Curvature of the Penis',
Human Sexuality 3: 83, February 1969.
6. Reports of sexual synaesthesias are not easy to collect, I would
be happy to hear from anyone who cares to send me details of
his or her experiences in this regard.
7. Legman, G.: Oragenitalism. op. cit.
8. See Chapter 6, section B.
3
The Exploitation of the Sex Organs

a. INTRODUCTION

Strictly speaking, the only natural uses for sex organs are mak-
ing true lqve and making babies. Any other purposes are to
some extent improper. Sex for pure pleasure by mutual con-
sent may be free of emotional counterfeiting, but it is a bio-
logical betrayal if contraceptives are used, as they should be in
such cases. Beyond that, the human race has had so much time
on its hands, and is so afraid of open intimacy, that it has
devised many ways of using its organs for hidden purposes and
for frivolous or false relationships. We shall now go on to
consider some of these non-propagating uses, since they play
such an important part in everyday living.*

b. THE EXPLOITATION OF THE PENIS

What use is a penis? Well, it is the best instrument for impreg-

nating women and one of the best for sexual pleasure. Beyond
that, it can throw a stream of water a reasonable distance and
put out fires, but there is a catch there. Mr and Mrs Murga-
troyd once agreed that whoever could urinate farther would be
the boss of their home. Mungo, of course, thought that was a
fine arrangement and stepped up to the starting line confident
* E W: There you go with propagation again. What is it with you?
EB: First of all, as a philosophical biologist, I really believe in what I am
saying. Secondly, when I was an intern, one thing that got through to me was
the beautiful faces of the women on the obstetrical ward. The pregnancies
to cut out are the unwanted ones, not the wanted ones.
The people who demand the right to have babies and populate the world
have to give equal rights to those who don't. In fairness and salvation, that
means free access to every means of prevention.
78 Sex and Sex Organs
that from then on he would have his way. But just as he got
started, Mysie cried, 'Oh, oh, no hands!' With a rule like that,
the crestfallen Mungo knew that he was done for.
But beyond these natural functions, man's ingenuity has
found many ways of making the penis useful. In solitary en-
joyment, it can be used as a plaything to pass the time on rainy
afternoons and other boring hours. Children who are tired of
lying in their cribs or sitting in a schoolroom find its reach-
ability a great temptation. ('Their arms are made just long
enough to reach it,' as one mother said reproachfully to her
clergyman.) In its erect state, it makes an admirable fertility
symbol, and has been worshipped as such privately from time to
time, or even publicly with joyful ceremonies, at other times
and other places. Sometimes it is used in simple social eti-
quette, aristocratic gestures of politeness or noblesse oblige, on
the principle that no well-brought-up young man should leave
a woman with any of her desires ungratified; her wish is his
command. By men of lesser breeding, it can even be used in
similar situations to earn money. Thus it becomes a tool of
solace, ritual, courtesy, or employment.
In more informal society, it can be used in mutual pastimes,
a ready instrument for exchanging pleasures with the fairer
sex, although some dubious men make dubious jokes about
preferring a good meal or a good bowel movement; such men
should be left with their own kind stewing in the kitchen or the
men's room. But beyond such frivolities, it is a great and versa-
tile device for more serious games. It's mere phallic exhibition
can seduce girls, frighten them, or excite their awe or·admira-
tion. As a poker, it can rouse them from lassitude and indiffer-
ence. Proud men regard it as a trophy, which they bestow on
the worthy as a gift or favour. The covetous man uses it as a
branding iron, a sign that the woman has been possessed by
him and in some measure is forever his, particularly if he has
taken her virginity.
The clod may treat his phallus as a mere pleasure-stick, or
as a pleasure-thief, entering under false pretences, taking what
it desires, and then silently shrinking away. The evil man
The Exploitation of the Sex Organs 19
shows his grudge against women, especially women far above
him, by 'spitting' in their wombs, or if he cannot win their
favours, by battering through in criminal rape. The benevolent
man will offer his phallus to the woman in distress as a com-
forter or even as a healing instrument that will surpass all
medications, thus demonstrating to her and to himself its
magic powers.*
Used thus in sexual games, the phallus has all the authority
of a baseball bat to score foul balls, a grandstand play, or an
away-from-home run.
As previously mentioned, the penis may be flaunted to ad-
vertise itself. Very often, a beach or a dance hall is like a
supermarket for young girls, with all the goodies carefully
packaged on open display. Tight swimming trunks or trouser
pants may turn on the younger crowd or the hungry bar-fly
girls, but more confident women may react differently. One of
them put the question witheringly to a young man who sat
across from her with his legs apart: 'It's pretty, but what can it
do?' In homosexual circles, where the main object may be to
find someone who is 'well hung' or has 'a big basket', with little
interest in the hanger or the man who is carrying the basket,
such advertising may be more acceptable and pay off.
Finally, as an instrument of love, the phallus can be used to
give pleasure to the woman, to caress and to stroke her most
secret and sensitive part, and thus manifest and demonstrate
that love. And this may end, with intent and mutual consent,
in creating something that will be half his and half hers, with
no exploitation and no charades.

C. THE EXPLOITATION OF THE VAGINA

The vagina too can be used by its owner to pass the time of
day, being a responsive self-pacifier and comforter. As a fer-
tility symbol to be worshipped by others (casually or in rituals

*EW: A hot-beef injection.

80 Sex and Sex Organs
and ceremonies), it gives dramatic promise of productivity and
protection. And it is also the ultimate offering of the goddess
of courtesy, either in sheer hospitality, or in order to let some-
one down after having led him on. Its constant companion,
the clitoris, can dance attendance and add spice to all these
sensuous jubilees. But the vagina has one advantage over both
the clitoris and the penis: like a pet cat, it can be trained to
do all manner of curious tricks, such as picking up a dollar
bill (an old trick in 'night clubs' of a certain type) - a stunt
which no penis has yet learned to master. This is one of the
ways in which the vagina can be rented out to make money,
and in general, the more tricks it has learned, the better it will
be at its trade.
In everyday life of relaxation and social intercourse, it can
be used for a large variety of teasing games of less or more
respectability. In the crudest of these, it may be half concealed
behind layers of gauzy or gaudy embroidery, or let slip out for
a peek, either at irregular intervals or rhythmically, like a
stroboscopic mushroom flashing its sickly fluorescence through
the movement of the dance. Or it may be conspicuously con-
cealed behind a cache-sexe, like an enormous zircon, in the
hope that the cash customers will think it is a diamond. This is
the downstairs or saloon level of genital quackery, playing it
for peanuts or drink money.
Upstairs the stakes are higher. It can be used as- a come-on
for financial, marital, or other entrapments, as a squeezer by
women who want to swindle a man out of his semen for dis-
honest or desperate impregnation, and as an impotent constric-
tor by those who want to deprive a man of his virile organ by
violence, instead of caressing it into humility as an honest
trophy-thief would do. More modest and sensitive women may
regard the vagina as a deserving reward for services :rendered,
a grateful comforter in time of need, a magic erector set for
failing potency, or the great earth-healer for all male frailties.
The clitoris may serve as a pet, as a warm-up, and to de-
monstrate passion by its swelling up. For some who feel they
are deprived by not having the grand prize of a penis, it is
The Exploitation of the Sex Organs 81
ruefully treasured as a token of what might have been. One of
the most interesting aspects of the clitoris is its 'legal' value. A
girl who has been forbidden to touch 'herself' by her mother or
father may put one over on them by legalistic mental quib-
bling : she refrains from touching her vagina, as instructed, but
takes her pleasure from her clitoris instead, which she knows is
naughty but convinces herself is not illegal.
As an instrument of enduring love, the vagina serves as a
passionate grasper and caressing squeezer. It strives ever hope-
fully and ever vainly for total incorporation of not only the
penis but the man behind it. But in the end, instead of taking, it
may give forth the fruit of that love.
The woman, much more than the man, uses other parts of
her body in a sexual way. She may use her breasts as advertis-
ing, either ethically and with pride, or subversively, or even
competitively. She may use them in a false way to exploit men
for other things besides sex : a form of petty theft most aptly
called proplifting, making the wheels of her life turn smoothly
by using them for what Amaryllis calls boobrication. Buttocks
are used similarly, except that their motion is even more entic-
ing than their form. Often a woman who puts her hands be-
hind her head to thrust her breasts forward is not aware of
what she is doing, and the same applies to women who squirm
when they are seated in the presence of men. This kind of
seductiveness was celebrated by Rabelais in his famous couplet
'Polle a la messe est molle a la fesse' - girls who squirm in
church have soft bottoms.

d. SEX ORGANS IN TIME-STRUCTURING

Before we go on to talk about the exploitation of the orgasm,

we should understand why we have put things in a certain
order in the last two sections.
Nearly every human being, as we shall see later, spends his
life waiting for Santa Claus, and one of the great problems of
living is how to fill in the time until he arrives. The exploita-
82 Sex and Sex Organs
tions of the sex organs discussed above are ways of doing that.
Such methods of time-structuring can be divided into six
different classes, which remain the same regardless of what
instruments are used. Whether people concern themselves with
sex, money, art, or religion, for example, there are only six
types of transactions whereby they can express that concern,
and these can be listed roughly in increasing order of emo-
tional complexity. 1
That was the plan followed earlier (see section title) in list-
ing the uses of the sex organs, which explains some of the
sequences which otherwise might seem peculiar : for example,
putting phallic worship right after masturbation, and politeness
right after that. The simplest things that people do are those
they do alone, and the most complex are those involving the
deepest intimacies, with their complicated interweavings of
mutual feeling. For that reason, masturbation was put first,
and intimacy last, with other types of transactions in between.
In the same way, in talking about the psychological uses of
money, the miser sitting in solitary splendour beside his adding
machine, grubbing through his stack of annual company re·
ports, would be put first, and the couple struggling to earn
Christmas money for each other and their children would
come last. In art, the solitary painter would be first, and the
lover reading his poem to his mistress would be at the end; the
religious sequence would start with solitary meditation and
end with mystical personal union or a struggle against tempta·
tion from a loved one.
The six s;ategories are named withdrawal, rituals, pastimes,
activities, games, and intimacy. Returning to the subject of sex,
withdrawal, which is a way of structuring time without being
involved with other people, means using the sex organs as
personal playthings. Here sex is instead of people; it is safer to
sit alone and play with toys of whatever kind than to risk
becoming involved with others, especially in such an emotion-
ally charged engagement as sex. Rituals and politeness are the
safest ways of being with others: everyone knows what is ex-
pected of him, and as long as he sticks to the rules, nothing
The Exploitation of the Sex Organs 83
untoward will occur. The worship of sex organs and courteous
service are both in this category.
An activity is work designed to accomplish something ac-
cording to a previous agreement or contract, and the use of the
sex organs to earn money or impregnation falls into this class. ,
Personal involvement is kept at a minimum by the terms of the
contract. Once that is fulfilled both parties can go their own
ways with no further obligations.
The simplest level of individual emotional engagement is
called pastimes, loose relationships that can be broken off at
any time, like passing the time of day with an acquaintance.
Mutual sexual stimulation just for fun is one of the more
pleasant ways of passing idle hours. The next level of personal
involvement is called games. These are more serious engage-
ments, with an ulterior motive beneath the avowed purpose,
giving many opportunities for emotional expression. The
meaningful part of most people's lives is mostly made up of
games, as we shall see in the chapter on that subject. The
various forms of spurious love and seduction, or even outright
swindling, are all examples of sexual games. And finally, a few
fortunate people manage to find genuine intimacy in sex, par-
ticularly if they want to have babies.
Whether the person is waiting for Santa Claus to come in
his red suit from the North Pole, or for his opposite number,
Death, to come in his black suit from the South Pole, he can
fill in the time in a variety of ways which will be stimulating
and perhaps edifying. His sex organ is only one of many in-
struments provided by nature and society for this purpose. If
he does use that, he tries to make matters as interesting as
possible. The human race has been very imaginative in devising
ways to structure time by the non-biological use of sex organs.

e. THE EXPLOITATION OF THE ORGASM

The orgasm is something that should just be allowed to hap-

pen, and enjoyed if and when it does. But many people, even
84 Sex and Sex Organs
people who can let music happen or not happen, cannot leave
orgasms alone and have to exploit and meddle with them.3
Most commonly they exploit them for reassurance of mascu-
linity or femininity, or even beyond that, for competition, try-
ing to be more masculine or more feminine by having more
and better orgasms. Others try to turn it into an 'experience', a
trip, something to be reached for rather than something hap-
pening, or else into a production, a fancy embroidered orgasm
with novel acrobatic thrusts, for example. It may also be re-
garded as a trophy or gift - 'I had one with her' or 'I gave her
one' - and in many articles written by professionals it is treated
as an attainment ('When her husband followed my instruc-
tions, she attained orgasm'). Some regard it as a comfort or a
relief, carefully disregarding the pleasure; or as a mere reflex, a
sort of accident that is irrelevant to the real sexual kick, which
may lie in a fetish or a conquest. Even cynics of both sexes do
better than that, taking it for a good squirt or a vaginal drink.
But since having an orgasm is a healthy and exhilarating ex-
perience for most people, these counterfeit attitudes often be-
come secondary after a while, or disappear altogether.
The more serious exploitations centre around not having an
orgasm. Many women and some men regard this as an accom-
plishment and a proof of superiority. Not having an orgasm
may give a self-proclaimed 'puritan' woman a feeling of right-
eousness that she prefers to the pleasure of having one. This
may go with teasing, tormenting, or lying to her husband or
lover, often out of revenge or spite. In other cases the orgasm
is avoided from fear or thrift. Some women have a fear that
they will die if they let go. This may lead to complete frigidity,
but sometimes they risk getting a little enjoyment, being carefu1
not to let it go too far. Then they feel that they have cheated
death, which adds a gruesome feeling of triumph to whatever
pleasure they did get.
Thrift enters the picture on the strange but common theory
that each person is only 'allowed' a limited number of orgasms
in his lifetime. That is, they are regarded as capital instead of
interest, and are handled the way the person handles money
The Exploitation of the Sex Organs 85
when there is a limited amount. Some try to enjoy it as fast as
possible, lest something go wrong before they can spend it all;
others conserve it and ration it so that it will last as long as
possible. This theory can be found in the most unlikely people,
tucked away in the backs of their minds. Almost any layman.
if asked how many orgasms a person can have in his lifetime,
will come up with an answer ranging from 100 to 20,000. But
even psychiatrists and sexologists, if they allow themselves to
reply spontaneously, will often give some figure that takes
them completely by surprise, since it shows that in spite of
their Adult sophistication, the Child in them still believes that
their orgasms are numbered.
In general, there are four ways in which people can handle
their orgasms: frigidity, withholding, postponement, and re-
lease. Frigidity is usually justified on an 'if only' basis: 'Every-
thing would be all right if only - you weren't a bum, you
treated me better, you were a better lover: this were really true
love.'
Withholding is based on shady ethics : it's all right to have
sex providing I don't enjoy it too much. This is the position in
petting and making out. It was also the position of French
prostitutes in the late nineteenth century: they would be for-
given at confession because they were having sex only for busi-
ness purposes. 3 This attitude has always been forced on such
girls by their pimps, probably ever since the profession came
into existence. The girl gets beaten if she allows herself to
enjoy it with anyone but him. This kind of 'fidelity' is really
the source of nearly all withholding. By not having an orgasm,
the woman feels she is being 'faithful' to either a real husband
or absent lover, or to a phantom lover such as her father or a
'celebrity' who has never heard of her. Half-virgins handle it
another way: they will do anything except have an orgasm
face to face; that they are saving for their real, phantom, or
future lover.
In postponement the woman allows the man to have his
orgasm, but postpones hers until later. Either he has to induce
it by following a certain procedure, or she waits until he leaves
86 Sex and Sex Organs
and then has it by masturbation, or, in the worst case, she goes
to another lover with a 'wet deck' and comes with him.
.A released orgasm is one which takes place during inter-
course. It may be pure and intimate, or contaminated by
ulterior motives and gamy feelings such as guilt, anger, in-
adequacy, hurt, or triumph. It may become a swindle if a
phantom third party is involved: 'I only have orgasms with
my wife when I think of another woman.' But in a released
orgasm, there is at least honesty in action, if not always in
thought.

f. SEXUAL DEVIATIONS

Sexual deviations, or perversions, as they used to be called, are

hang-ups considered abnormal by people who think of them-
selves as normal, which they may very well be. Such deviations
may be merely enjoyable when they are carried on between
consenting adults, but they become annoying, scary, harmful,
or even vicious when they involve innocent victims. They
range from aesthetic preferences (enjoyable), through thefts of
clothing (annoying), obscene telephone calls (scary), child mol-
esting (harmful), to anal rape and murder (vicious). Some of
the best-informed people, such as the staff members of state
hospital-prisons for 'sexual psychopaths', consider rape to be a
crime against the person rather than a sexual deviation if the
vagina is the point of attack.
There are three ways to define sexual deviations: legally,
morally, and rationally. The virtue of legal definitions is that
they are enforceable, or as the more salivating enforcers say,
'You're damn right they are.' Some of them are designed to
protect the public from personal loss and verbal or physical
assault, but others are 'mischievous and arrogant, and raise
more questions about Them than about the people They are
messing around with. Moral definitions may be more thought-
ful, but they are often uninformed and based on dubious prem·
ises. Unfortunately, rational definitions also run into unfore-
The Exploitation of the Sex Organs 81
seen difficulties. Deviation means literally something most
people (more than 50 per cent of people) would prefer not to
do. But that doesn't make much sense, because it would make
deviants of everyone who voted for the loser in a political
election. Winners do sometimes take advantage of this to call
their opponents perverts. As a sporting proposition, the win·
ners would then have to admit that they were perverts the next
time they lost.
The word 'pervert' implies that there is a normal, uatural
course of development, and that the pervert is insulting nature.
This can be and is easily twisted by some people into the pro·
position: 'I'm normal and you're not.' But that is a matter of
opinion, ai;id the man who writes his own certificate of sanity
is not always an authority on the subject; his judgement may
be coated with a vested interest as he pants after his prey, and
the shoe may be on the other foot.
If sex is regarded as a reproductive function, then a perver·
sion would be anything that interfered with natural reproduc·
tion. Thus a biological definition would state that nothing is a
perversion which terminates with the deposit of the semen in
the vagina. But this excludes the use of condoms and of coitus
interruptus or withdrawal, although it allows for diaphragms,
cervical devices, and pills. Certain technical difficulties also
arise. For example, anal intercourse with vaginal ejaculation
would then not be a perversion, but it is certainly biologically
undesirable because it carries organisms from the rectum into
the neighbourhood of the urethra, where they might end up
causing a bladder infection.
The most practical and ethical definition is a humanistic
one. Such a definition would recognize (1) that the participants
are free agents, (2) that sex is an act of personal communion,
and (3) that it must not damage the flesh beyond the perfora-
tion of the hymen. Then any sequence based on free, mutual,
informed consent, which terminates in bodily contact and does
not damage the tissues of either party is not a perversion.
Hence there rriust be no force used, as in rape; there must be
no exploitation of ignorance, as in child molesting; it must not
88 Sex and Sex Organs
culminate on an external object such as a shoe or a dildo; and
there must be no violence, even with consent, as in sadism.
This allows for innumerable forms of sexual excitement, but
excludes rape, child molesting, the use of artificial instruments
such as shoes or plastic penises, and physical abuse. Unfortu-
nately it does not exclude crazy things like dressing in diapers
or eating faeces. '
Perhaps it is simpler the other way around. Normal sex is
any mutual enjoyment between two free and informed partners
of each other's bodies and their usual decorations and trap-
pings. While this is ethical in the best sense, it might be con-
sidered immoral by people with special interests. One difficulty
is that it does not exclude incest, which no rational definition
can do, since that is a moral problem, and indeed, the incest
taboo is the basis of nearly all morality and probably of all
culture as well. Perhaps the best summary is to say if you don't
want to do it, or it seems crazy, don't do it. If you only do it
when you're drunk and hate yourself when you sober up, don't
drink.
While sexual deviation may be damaging to its occasional
victims, if any, much more serious is logical deviation, or per-
versions of thinking, which may affect large numbers of
people. One of the most difficult of these deviations to under-
stand is the prejudice against long hair, beards, and sandals,
since George Washington wore his hair long, Abraham Lin-
coln had a beard, and Jesus Christ wore sandals {?), and in
fact was guilty of all three. There is no reasonable way to
explain the prejudice against long-haired men except on the
basis that it arouses perverse desires in those who object to it so
vehemently. Many other prejudices show perverted thinking.
For example, if any Christian in the last 2,000 years were
asked, 'What would you do if you met Jesus Christ's cousin?'
he would be unlikely to reply, 'I'd kick hell out of him and his
women and children.' But that is exactly what large numbers
of Christians have done. The inbred population of ancient
Judea was small enough so that almost every Judean must
have been some sort of cousin to Jesus, and so their descen-
The Exploitation of the Sex Organs 89
dants, the Jews, are nearly all related to him by blood and
genes.

Notes and References

1. Berne, E.: Games People Play. Penguin Books, Harmonds-

worth, 1968.
2. Maizlish, I. L.: 'The Orgasm Game'. Transactional Analysis
Bulletin 4: 75, October 1965.
3. Philippe, C. L.: Bubu of Montparnasse. (With preface by T. S.
Eliot). Berkley Publishing Corporation, New York, 1957.
Part Two
Sex and People
4
Forms of Human Relationship

a. THE HUMAN PERSONALITY

It is most fruitful to think of the human personality as being

divided into three parts, or even better, to realize that each
individual is three different persons, all pulling in different
directions ... so that it is a wonder anything ever gets done.
And of course in sex, if they are pulling very hard against each
other, it doesn't get done, or at least it doesn't get done prop-
erly. We can represent this very simply by drawing three
circles, one below the other, as in Figure 1. These represent the
three people that everyone carries around in his or her head.
At the top' are his parents, who are really two different
people, but in this diagram we show them as one circle,
marked Parent, or P. This represents someone in his head tell-
ing him what he ought to do and how to behave and how
good he is and how bad he is and how much better or worse
either people are. In short, the Parent is a voice in his head
making editorial comments, as parents often do, on everything
he undertakes. You can tell when your Parent, or Parental ego
state, is talking because it uses words like 'ridiculous', 'im-
mature', 'childish', and 'wicked'. Your Parent may talk to you
that way in your head, and it may also talk out loud to other
people in the same way. The Parent has another side, however.
It can also be affectionate and sympathetic, just like a real
parent, and say things like 'You're the apple of my eye', 'Let
me take care of it', and 'Poor girl'.
The middle circle, marked Adult, or A, represents the voice
of reason. It works like a computer, taking in information
from the outside world, and deciding on the basis of reasonable
probabilities what course of action to take and when to take it.
It does not have anything to do with being 'mature', since even
94 Sex and People

0
0
A
0
The Human Personality
B

Figure1

babies can make such decisions, nor with being sincere, since
many thieves and con men are very good at deciding what to
do and when to do it. The Adult tells you when and how fast
to cross the street, whether to raise or fold on two pair, when
to take the cake out of the oven, and how to focus a telescope.
In crossing the street, for example, it works like a very accu-
rate and very complicated computer, estimating the speeds of
all the cars for blocks on each side, and then picking the earli-
est possible moment for starting across without being killed, or
rather without having to lose your dignity by running. The
Adult ego state is careful whenever possible to preserve your
dignity, unless it is your fate to be a clown. Ali good computers
are like that: they choose the most elegant solutions, and try
to avoid makeshift or sloppy ones whenever they can. You can
tell when your Adult is talking because it uses expressions like
Forms of Human Relationship 95
'Ready?' 'Now! ' 'Too much! ' 'Not enough! ' and 'Here, not
there.'
The bottom circle, marked Child, or C, indicates that every
man has a little boy inside of him and every woman carries a
little girl in her head. This is the Child part of the personality,
the child he or she once was. But every child is different, and
the Child ego state in each person is different, since it is the
Child he once was at a definite time in his life. When the Child
takes over, the person acts in a childlike way, like a child of a
certain age : in one person it might be four years and three
months old, in another two years and six months, and it is
doubtful if it is ever older than six years. We do not call this
Child ego state 'childish'; we simply say it is like a child, or
childlike. The age of the Child part of the personality in each
person is determined by special factors which you can read
about in another book if you want to take the trouble.1 It is
important to realize that the Child is not there to be squelched
or reprimanded, since it is actually the best part of the person-
ality, the part that is, or can be if properly approached, creat-
ive, spontaneous, clever, and loving, just as real children are.
.Unfortunately, children can also be sulky, demanding, and in-
considerate or even cruel, so this part of the personality is not
always easy to deal with. Since your Child ego state is going to
be with you for the rest of your life, it is best to acknowledge it
and try to get along with it, and it will do more harm than
good to pretend that if you ignore it or deal harshly with it, it
will go away.
You will have noticed that I referred to these three parts of
the personality - Parent, Adult, and Child - as ego states, and
that is the scientific name for them.* These ego states deter-
mine what happens to people and what they do to and for each
other. The best way, and so far the neatest and most scientific
way, to analyse human social and sexual relationships is to
find out which ego states are involved. Each ego state has to be
looked at separately if the person wants to understand his feel-
*'Parent', 'Adult', and 'Child', capitalized, are used throughout to refer
to ego states in the head; the same words in lowercase refer to actual people.
% Sex and People
ings and behaviour in such situations. Some people try to be-
come 'a whole person' by denying that there are different parts
to the personality. A better way is to find out as much as
possible about each aspect, since they are all there to stay, and
then get them to work together in the best possible way.

b. THE RELATIONSHIP DIAGRAM

There are in English, and in aneient Greek as well, hundreds
of words describing different kinds of love and friendship be-
tween people. 2• 3 It is interesting to discover that there are far
fewer words describing hate and enmity. We are not concerned
here, however, with finding as many different words as pos-
sible, but rather with picking out a few that refer to the com-
monest types of relations between men and women, and par-
ticularly those which involve different sets of ego states. One
of the oldest classifications of personal relations, which at-
tempts to boil them down to their barest essentials, is the legal
one. For centuries, the law has dealt with them under four
main headings : Husband and Wife, Parents and Children,
Guardians and Wards, and Master and Servant (or Master and
Apprentice). One difficulty here is that these are all one-up one-
down relationships, with one person running the show and the
other fighting for his rights, and that will never do for us.
A better way is to start off with a Relationship Diagram,4
which tells us all the possible ways in which two people, each
having three ego states, can relate to each other. This is shown
in Figure 2. There are nine simple relationships possible, tak-
ing one ego state at a time in each person, and then of course
various combinations of these. For example, there are 72 kinds
of relationships involving two crossed arrows or vectors (the
response going in a different direction from the stimulus), 432
involving three vectors, and so on. If we want to make it even
more complicated, we can put in positive vectors for, positiv;e
feelings and negative vectors for negative feelings, and then
combine these in all sorts of different ways. In this fashion, this
Forms of Human Relationship 91

A B
A Relationship Diagram
Figure2

simple diagram could be used to illustrate, I think, all of the

hundreds of words used to describe positive, negative, and
mixed relationships in English and ancient Greek.
But that is not what we are going to do. What we are going
to do is take twelve common words that are familiar to every-
body, which describe progressively more serious and longer-
lasting emotional involvement between one man and one
woman. Furthermore, we Will try to choose words that have
the same or a very similar meaning all over the world, regard-
less of local customs or local laws or any considerations out-
side of what happens between the two people themselves. We
shall then see if we can fit these relationships into the relation-
ship diagram. As we shall discover, some of them fit easily and
others make complications, but nevertheless, I think this is one
98 Sex and People
good way to find out how sex fits into people's lives all around
the world.

C. ACQUAINTANCES

Acquaintances are full of potential. It is from among them

that you will choose your more serious relationships, the ones
that will continue and will give you something to remember
them by. Every acquaintance is a possible friend or enemy, and
you should choose both carefully. The more acquaintances you
have, the more choices you have, so I would recommend that
you say Hello to everybody. Acquaintanceship is a st:ttic rela-
tion, which can stay the same year after year. In order to go
further, somebody has to make the first move, and the other
person has to accept the overture.
Acquaintances are people who go through social rituals with
each other. Such rituals have a value in themselves. They are
one form of verbal stroking, and they have the same effect as
patting has on a baby. When someone says Hello, or How are
you? or What's new? or Warm enough for you? he tones up
your muscles, clears your brain, soothes your heart, and re-
laxes your digestion. For this you should be grateful, and in
return he expects you to do the same for him. If you are in a
sulky mood and refuse to accept the benefits thus offered, then
both of you will suffer. You will get even sulkier, and his
stomach will churn and a film will form over his brain and stay
there until he meets someone more courteous and appreciative
of his presence.
The kind of things acquaintances say to each other, passing
the time of day while carefully avoiding any intrusion on each
other's privacy, do not come from either Parent, Adult, or
Child. They come from a mask or shield which the person
places between himself and the people around him, called by
some psychiatrists the persona. The persona is a way of pre-
senting oneself, and is best described by an adjective: gruff,
sociable, sweet, cute, busy, charming, contemptuous, or polite.
Forms of Human Relationship 99
With each of these words comes a different way of saying
Hello or passing the time of day. The persona is formed during
the years from six to twelve, when most children first go out
on their own and are confronted with people in the outside
world who are not of their own or their parents' choosing.
Each child soon perceives that he needs a way to avoid un-
wanted entanglements or promote wanted ones in this world
he never made, so he chooses his own way of presenting him-
self to that world. Usually he tries to be nice and polite and to
appear considerate and compliant. He may keep this early per-
sona for the rest of his life, or turn it in later, after more
experience, for another one. Thus the persona is really a Child
ego state ipfluenced by Parental training and modified by Adult
prudence towards the people around him. The main require-
ment for the persona is that it should work. If it doesn't work,
the person is either in a continual state of anxiety when he is
with people, for fear that his persona· will break down, or else
he takes to avoiding people and going off by himself.
The persona is really a special ego state: that of a ten-year-
old Child trying to make his way among strangers, so it can be
fitted into the structural diagram by saying that it is a special
aspect of the Child ego state. Actually, it is a good example of
adapting oneself to the situation and acting in an expected,
predictable way, an ego state which is known as the Adapted
Child.

d. CO-WORKERS

Almost as innocent and distant as the relationship between

acquaintances is that between co-workers. Acquaintances keep
each other at a distance by sticking to well-tried formulas of
greeting and conversation, saying exactly the same thing time
after time in the same situation, carefully choosing the most
harmless and inoffensive cliches, or the most ingratiating ones.
Co-workers accomplish the same end by talking at an angle
instead of strai,\?ht to the other person. They talk about some-
100 Sex and People
thing, so that their words are directed to that something, and
bounce off it to the listener. Transactional analysts call occupa-
tional work an activity, and whatever is worked with is called
the material of the activity. If the material is right in front of
two co-workers, they will often look at it while they are talk-
ing, instead of at each other.
Helper (looking at frammis): The frammis sure is decorus-
cated.
Mechanic (looking at frammis): Yeah, that always happens
in these mass-production Mercillacs. They're just parlayed
Volkolets.
Helper (keeping his eyes on the frammis): Yeah, you never
see that in a Maserrati.
In this way, the mechanic and his helper may work all day
together for months without ever looking directly at each
other.
Paper-shufflers do exactly the same thing. In fact it is well
known among boss paper-shufflers that if the clerical shufflers
ever look you in the eye (or vice versa), something is going on.
When they are talking to each other, they look at the papers,
not at each other. Business and professional men with new
customers or clients also act like co-workers.
Thus co-workers are people who talk to each other through
the material, and they talk about the material. This is an
Adult-Adult relationship, which looks like Figur~ 3. If the
boss breaks the Adult-Adult contract by coming on Parent,
that entitles the worker to call him one free adjective: helpful
or fussy or strict if he was nice about it, and mean, nervy or
impossible if he wasn't. If the worker comes on Parent, the
boss is likewise entitled to one free adjective: understanding,
cooperative, impertinent, or out of line. If either of them
comes on Child, the other feels entitled to call the offender
ridiculous, undignified, unladylike, ungentlemanly, flirtatious,
or groovy.
This means that the moment two co-workers look directly at
each other or talk directly to each other instead of through the
material, they are something else besides co-workers.
e. COMMITTEE MEMBERS

From Figure 2, you can see that there are three 'straight-
across' relationships, Parent-to-Parent, Adult-to-Adult, and
Child-to-Child. Although co-workers talk at an angle to each
other because they are discussing 'the realities out there', that

0
0 Boss
Co-workers
0 Worker

Figure3

is precisely the definition of Adlllt-to-Adult transactions, so

the vectors in the Co-worker Diagram of Figure 3 go straight
across. Oddly enough, there is no simple English word which
describes Parent-to-Parent relationships, although they are
very common all over the world. In this country, the most
likely place to hear one Parental ego state talking to another is
102 Sex and People
on a 'committee', so people in this relationship can be called
committee members, for want of a better term.
The kind of committee I am referring to is not the kind that
gets something done, but the kind that gets together and talks
about suppressing something Awful which either doesn't exist

0
A
Committee Members
0 B

Figure4

or which they don't really know much about, or whose exist-

ence is necessary for the well-being of society. Their discus-
sions, in the guise of exchanges of information, are actually
exchanges of indignation, based on Parental prejudices instead
of facts. Here the contract is Parent-to-Parent, as illustrated in
Figure 4. Again, just as in the case of co-workers, anyone who
breaks the contract is subject to name-calling. For example,
anyone at a Parental type of Suppression Society who gives an
unbiased Adult view of the subject is likely to be called various
Forms of Human Relationship 103
kinds of nasty names. A playful Child makes Parental commit-
tee members even more nervous than a factual Adult does.
Thus Prohibitionists of various persuasions become uneasy if
someone tries to prove by Adult investigation that whatever
they are prohibiting is not so bad after all, and they may place
difficulties in the way of such investigations. But if someone
tries to demonstrate the same thing in a playful Childlike way,
they take much more drastic action to put a stop to it (put him
in jail, maybe). Comedians understand this principle very well;
they know that jokes upset Parental meddlers even more than
facts do.
Besides formal committees where some or all of the mem-
bers spend their time in Parent-to-Parent indignation without
really knowing what they are talking about, there are many
informal committees that work the same way. These are made
up of people who get together socially and talk about their
A wfuls in a Parental prejudiced way without checking the
other side of the question. Among the most interesting exam-
ples are the middle-aged landladies who get together for coffee
or beer or a cocktail every morning, and are really an informal
committee to fight juvenile delinquency, rising taxes, open
housing, and the fiendishness of tenants, while promoting a
better understanding of landladies and the need for higher
rents. Similar informal indignation committees are popular
among young married couples.
Actually, committee members, or committees, are of three
types. We have discussed Parent-to-Parent committees above
in order to demonstrate how this kind of relation works. Adult-
to-Adult committees talk factually or 'communicate' about
their Awful i! they are ineffective, or do something about it if
they are effective. There are also Child-to-Child committees,
both formal and informal, which are usually called grievance
committees. Here it is the Child ego states of the members
which talk to each other, as shown in Figure 5, and the Awfuls
have to do with some form of Parental oppression. Adult
grievance committees talk straight and negotiate fairly. Child
grievance committees play games, sometimes distressing ones,
104 Sex and People
since their real object is to discomfit the authorities they are
complaining about, rather than to rectify the wrongs they bring
up.
The alliances mentioned above are not always man to
woman, but they are included in order to illustrate how rela-
tionships can be analysed into ego states.

0
0
A B
A Grievance Committee
Figures

By this time it can be seen that there is an unspoken rule

about relationships. They are not set up between people, but
between ego states. Both parties understand, in some way or
other, which ego states are allowed to express themselves in
the situation. This understanding has the force of a contract.
Anyone who breaks the contract by expressing an illegitimate
ego state is therefore legitimately subject to being called names,
or in flagrant cases, to being fired from the relationship.
Forms of Human Relationship 105
In order to be clear on what we are talking about, we can
define a relationship as a continuing set of transactions be-
tween two or more people, or rather between their various ego
states, which can be represented by a drawing on the black-
board. If a person who uses the word 'relationship' is unable to
draw a convincing diagram, it is not worth pursuing the matter
further, because there is no way of knowing exactly what he
means.

f. RESPECT

The next kind of relationship to be considered is called respect.

This is another Adult~to-Adult relation, and is based on
straight talk and the fulfilment of familial, occupational, and
social contracts without alibis, quibbling, or private reserva-
tions. Talking straight comes from reliability, and fulfilling
contracts comes from commitment. Reliability and commit-
ment together add up to trustworthiness, and trust is what
gives rise to respect. Trust is something that begins very early
in childhood, if it begins at all.
The Child, as we have already said, is in many ways the best
part of a person. It is the enthusiastic, creative, spontaneous
part of the personality, the part that makes women charming
and men witty and fun to be with. It is also the part that enjoys
nature and people. Unfortunately, in order that he may live in
the world it is necessary for the Child to be curbed and cor-
rupted by Parent and Adult influences. For example, he must
learn not to scatter his food enthusiastically around the table
and not to urinate creatively in public; he must also learn not
to cross the street spontaneously, but to look around before he
does. If too many restrictions lead into confusion, then the
Child is no longer able to enjoy himself at all.
One of the most valuable qualities of the Child is his
shrewdness. The Adult's job is to learn facts about the environ-
ment, particularly the physical environment: how to drive a
car, and why bills should be paid, and when to call a doctor -
106 Sex and People
information which may be necessary for survival in a grown-
up world. The infant's survival, however, depends on people,
so he is mainly concerned with them: which ones he can trust,
which ones to watch out for, which ones are going to be good
to him and which ones are going to hurt or neglect him. Chil-
dren understand people much better than grown-ups do, includ-
ing well-trained grown-ups who study human behaviour. Such
professionals are merely re-learning something they once
knew, but no matter how hard they study, they are never going
to be as good psychiatrists or psychologists as they originally
were when they were little children.
The reason for this is that most parents raise children not to
be too intuitive and not to look at people directly to see what
they are up to, because that is considered rude. They are sup-
posed to figure people out with their Adults instead of feeling
them out with the Child. Most children, including those who
are going to be psychiatrists and psychologists, follow these
instructions, and then spend five or ten years at college and
sometimes another five years in therapeutic groups or psycho-
analysis, all in order to get back 50 per cent of the people-
judging capacity they had when they were four years old.
But the Child is still there, although he may not talk very
loudly or clearly, and it is he who decides best whether or not
someone can be trusted Trust comes from the Child, respect
from the Adult, with the Child's permission. Respect means
that the Child looks someone over and decides that he is trust-
worthy. The Child then says to the Adult: 'Go ahead. You
can trust him. I'll keep an eye on the situation and review it
from time to time.' The Adult then translates this into an atti-
tude of respect and acts accordingly. Sometimes, however, the
Parent interferes. The Child and the Adult may be all ready to
go ahead, and then the Parent brings up a prejudiced objec-
tion: 'How can you trust a man with long hair?' or 'How can
you trust a fat woman?' To the Child, of course, long hair or
fatness is quite irrelevant to trustworthiness, and he would
much rather be with a long-haired man and a fat woman who
love him than with a short-haired man and a thin woman who
Forms of Human Relationship 101
don't. Nothing interferes with Child intuition more than Par-
ental prejudices.
The first situation of trust arises between the infant and his
mother, where her reliability and commitment are put to the
test in feeding him. His survival depends upon that, and his
attitude towards life and people depends upon how it is carried
out.
If he is being fed on demand, he gives the signal with his
hunger cry. If she comes when he calls, she is reliable. If she
brings his milk shortly after, she is committed. But if she takes
her time about coming, and also lets him down on the food, he
never learns to trust her. This is not distrust, which is a broken
trust; it is. untrust, the absence of something that was never
there.
If he is being fed on a schedule, say every four hours, the
situation is different. Most babies seem to come equipped with
a mental clock, perhaps the same clock some grown-ups use
when they decide to wake up at 7.15 and wake up exactly at
7.15. The baby sets his clock for four hours, and expects his
mother to be there when the alarm goes off, and to feed him
soon after. If she does both, he trusts her. If she does neither,
he doesn't.
In both cases, as he grows older, he is willing to accept
longer and longer delays, and still later, even excuses, provided
there are not too many of them. But if there are too many,
either he never learns what trust means, or else he learns dis-
trust. Basically, he expects her not only to be reliable and come
on time, but also to be committed and bring the food when or
soon after she comes. It is, quite possible that his own trust-
worthiness will imitate hers: he may be reliable and com-
mitted, or one but not the other, or neither.
Trust is the basis of respect. To the baby, it means that his
mother will be there (reliability) and will do what she is sup-
posed to (commitment). Later he expects people to send a mes-
sage if they are going to be late (reliability), and fulfil their
contracts when they do come (commitment). He may excuse
unreliability if commitment is there, and he may excuse lack of
108 Sex and People
commitment if reliability is there, both under protest; but he is
unlikely to respect anyone who is neither reliable nor com-
mitted.
Now for a homey example. A reliable husband is one who
tells you without fail about every affair he has, no matter how
bad it was. A committed husband is one who makes sure that
every affair he has is a good one, even if he doesn't tell you
about it. A trustworthy and respected husband is one who
doesn't have affairs, if he promised not to at the wedding cere-
-';JlOny, because if he did, he meant it.
The actual transactions that manifest respect between two
people are Adult-to-Adult, as previously shown in Figure 3,
but they have a different quality. They are not carried on
through the material, as with co-workers, but eye to eye and
man to woman, with full trust in each other's reliability and
commitment unless and until it is proven to be misplaced.

g. ADMIRATION

All the relationships we have talked about so far are 'straight

across' - Parent-to-Parent, Adult-to-Adult, or Child-to-Child
(Figures 2-5). Now we come to one which is 'up and down',
Child-to-Parent (Figure 6, going up). People use the word ad-
miration in many ways, but in its true sense it means 'wonder'.
Admiration comes about in the opposite way to respect. In
respect it is the Child who looks the person over and tells the
Adult to go ahead. In admiration it is the Adult who looks the
person over and tells the Child to go ahead. The Adult says,
'Boy! He really knows how to .. .' whatever it is - swim, or
dance, or recite poetry, or whatever you may admire most and
know how to judge - and the Child takes it from there.
Sex may come into this in the case of a schoolgirl crush on a
boy or on a female teacher. The girl starts off admiring the
teacher in an Adult way for something she does or is, and then
her Child takes over and she may get hung up on the teacher
and follow her around and perhaps begin to have [Link] pie-
Forms of Human Relationship 109
tures about her. If the teacher keeps to her position, she will be
like a good mother in dealing with the girl's attachment to her,
but if she changes the 'contract'i what might be an edifying
relationship between a Parent and a Child is turned into a
frolic between two uneasy Children.

A I Admiration and Affection/ B

/Turn-On
Figure&

I think that just as trust arises from the baby's relationship

to his mother, so admiration has to do with his father, because
father is the wonder-boy in the family. Mother is the one who
is trusted because she is there when she is needed. Father may
be there only irregularly, but his imposing voice and presence
and his strength and power excite the baby's admiration. And
it is true that genuine admiration is most often extended to
men, although it may be shifted to women if they happen to be
wonder-workers in their own right. That is what happens later,
110 Sex and People
when children begin to admire their mother's accomplish-
ments, such as cooking or painting, as well as respecting her as
a person. And conversely, they learn to trust their father as
well as admire him.
People vary in their ability to receive admiration. Some don't
tolerate it very well and avoid it or turn it away when it comes,
sometimes angrily. Others exploit it, like the teacher who has
an affair with an infatuated schoolgirl or schoolboy, or the
gangster who takes on an admiring young punk to exploit him
as much as he can. The best handle it gracefully and make it a
worthwhile experience for themselves and the others con-
cerned.

b. AFFECTION

Affection is another 'slanted' relationship, this time Parent-to-

Child (Figure 6, going down). In admiration, the Adult of one
person excites the Child of the other.* In affection, the Child
of one person excites the Parent of the other. A person who
feels affection expresses it very much as a mother or father
does towards a winsome child, and the object of the affection
responds in a simple Childlike way. These are not roles. They
are true feelings arising from specific ego states, and ego states
are different from roles. Ego states are psychological realities;
in fact they are the only psycholegical realities, although they
can easily be adulterated into falsehoods. They are systems of
feelings which are there for life quite independently of roles,
although roles can be grafted on to them and corrupt them.
In an affectionate relationship, Adult-to-Adult transactions
may also occur between times, but the affection itself comes
from a Parental ego state and evokes a response from a Child
ego state. In many families the parents believe that it is neces-
sary to look serious when giving affection, and many children
follow these instructions and are firmly convinced that it is
*But the Child responds as though it were a parent, so the actual trans-
actions are Child-Parent as in the transactional diagram in Figure 6.
Forms of Human Relationship 111
necessary. Such affection given with a serious mien is called
concern. There is no reason, however, why one can't give
affection while having a good time, and concern often seems a
little oversincere rather than really helpful. That is the answer
to one of life's - or death's - puzzling questions. Why is it that
fatal cancer patients know they have cancer, even if the people
taking care of them sincerely try to fool them? They may
pretend they don't know, partly out of consideration for those
around them, since cancer patients, like other patients, are
usually good sports and go along with the scenario. But usu-
ally they do know.
How does the patient find out, and which part of him
knows? He finds out, I think, because no matter how well the
others succeed in acting naturally around him, there is always
one exception : either they don't laugh when they should, or if
they do, they stop too quickly. That's what's wrong when
people make it a strong point to 'demonstrate' concern, which
is different from doing the most helpful thing. They are con-
fused by something as grim as cancer, and their reluctance to
laugh or their uneasiness about laughing gives the diagnosis
away, even if their true concern makes them want to conceal
it. The real concern they may have trips over their concern
about looking concerned, thus spoiling the picture. It takes a
lot of guts to give up looking concerned with a cancer patient,
but it can be done, and it pays off, as experiments on cancer
wards show.
Here is how the giveaway works. Let us say that Mrs Chas
an operation on her abdomen to find out the cause of her pain,
and the surgeon finds rampant cancer which will be fatal in a
few months. In order to spare her anguish everyone decides to
pretend that it is something less serious, although they keep
her in the hospital. She is very worried and wants to know if
she has a death sentence or not. But she is also afraid of it, so
she may ask but not be too insistent on getting a straight an-
swer. She may not be ready to face the problems it raises.
Nevertheless, she would really like to know if she is going to
survive.
112 Sex and People
While her Adult evades an open answer, her Child secretly
bends every effort to finding out, and watches people's behavi-
our very, very carefully to get some clues. Once she notices
that people are laughing differently, she starts checking. People
who were previously uproariously funny may continue to
make little funnies to keep things going, but they hedge them
so they won't be uproarious. The doctor's cheerfulness may be
diff~rent from his pre-operative attitude or his demeanour with
other patients. Concerned clergymen may stop telling even
'officially permitted' jokes about the priest and the rabbi, St
Peter, etc. The result is that Mrs C can pick up a dozen ex-
amples a day of laughs toned down and laughs cut off, and
pretty soon she knows something is badly wrong with her, and
she knows what it is.
In such cases 'showing concern' may feel satisfying to the
person who does it, but, because of it:AI oversincerity, it does not
work too well. In fact, 'showing concern' as a way of handling
cancer patients over a long period wears out both the staff and
the patients and benefits neither of them. If the patients are
regarded as dying people, then the cancer ward becomes that
grim institution which used to be called a 'Home for Incur-
ables', with the unwritten motto above the door: 'What do you
expect of someone who is dying of cancer?' If, on the other
hand, they are treated as 'very much alive self-respecting adult
human beings', then the motto turns into 'What can we do for
you today?' and the nurses and doctors come alive as well as
the patients.5 That is an extreme example of the difference
between 'showing concern' and feeling affectionate.
True affection is to find help or be helpful when it is needed
and to look concerned at critical moments. But when 'acting
concerned' takes precedence over thinking, it may do more
harm than good, whether or not the concern is genuine. The
firm statement 'I am concerned' (said aloud or in writing, one
time) is more effective than a determined effort to look serious.
One reason for this careful discussion is that while the Parent
and Adult may indeed be concerned, the Child usually has a
different attitude unless he is in danger himself. Because of this
Forms of Human Relationship 113
ambiguity, 'feeling concerned' should not be a matter for pride
or self-righteousness, as it often is.
In milder situations, receiving affection allows people to
laugh at their own troubles, but being an object of concern
demands that they look serious in order to keep their helpers
happy. Here a joke is often better than a frown.

i. THE TURN-ON

So far in our pursuit of relationships we have been in many

different rooms: the workroom, the meeting room, the nur-
sery, the schoolroom and the hospital room. Now we can fol-
low our quarry into the bedroom. The turn-on is just what it
sounds like: the right person pushes the switch and the whole
body lights up, from the eyes into the brain and down through
the chest and belly, and below that too. There is no social class
or Parental prejudice cutting the wires, and no rationality or
Adult prudence pulling the plug. It is the Child alone who
lights up, and it either happens or it doesn't. It is very similar
to what happens with imprinting in birds. 6 It is a sensory
rather than a personal response, and it is mainly visual. Other
senses may contribute, and it may be brightened by daydreams
and glorified by previous frustrations. but the flash of recogni-.
tion nearly always comes from seeing.
In imprinting, the young bird will get turned on to a visual
image of a certain form and colour and respond to the object,
which may be merely a piece of cardboard, as though it were
its mother. It has no decision or free choice in the matter; it is
torqued in by a certain stimulus and responds automatically.
The stimulus may be only a silhouette, but the effect is full-
bodied. In the same way, confronted with a turn-on, many
people must give up the illusion that their feelings make sense
and are proper to their being, because this is an automatic
response which may go against Parental or Adult preference
or logic, as the hero in Of Human Bondage learned' the hard
way. The ability to kindle this response is what movie talent
114 Sex and People
scouts have always looked for, and in former days it was called
many names from 'It' to 'Sex appeal', and sex appeal is what it
is.
Fetishism is a special kind of turn-on, where the man gets
the impact from a particular part of the female body or from
some feminine personal possession: hair or scarves, hands or
gloves, feet or shoes. These parts of the body or feminine ob-
jects are said by some to be 'symbolic substitutes for the loved
person'. It is much more likely that they are imprintings from
early childhooi;l, due to events which happened just at the right
time and· under the right circumstances to make a permanent
hook-up. Fetishism is very difficult to cure, partly or mainly
because few fetishists want to be cured. Many of them get the
same bang from the sight or touch or smell of their fetish as a
drug addict does from his heroin or Methedrine. The pros-
pect of giving up these thrills for a square passion has little
appeal for them unless their fetish is so far out that it gets
them into serious trouble.
A fetish is not just a symbol, any more than a gun is. The
fetish is the real thing to the fetishist, just as a gun is the real
thing to a shootnik. The gun is not a symbol of the penis but is
used instead of it or in addition to it because it is more deadly
than flesh and bone, and deadliness is something the gunki
craves.* That is why he would rather go hunting than stay
home with his wife. Even a toy water pistol is fl10re than a
phallic symbol. It works better than a phallus for its intended
purpose of shooting a stream of water accurately from a dis-
tance. The idea may have come from nature, and the Child
may enjoy the similiarity, but there is a lot more to it than
that. 7 One element is craftsmanship; the Adult appreciates
the quality of the object, whether it is a rifle, a water pistol, an
old slipper, or a glove.
Many mild fetishists have more fun than most 'normal'
people (at cocktail parties, for instance) if they are not hamp-
•This does not include honest marksmen. I have some of those in my
own family. One of my sons, who works as a cowboy, can shoot a flea off
the head of a flying rattlesnake at 100 yatds with an elephant gun.
Forms of Human Relationship 115
ered by their guilt feelings. Farther-out ones suffer from some
confusion in their love relationships, if any, and may get dis-
tracted from more serious pursuits by their fancies. They may
also get attached to degrading caterers, and suffer because of
that. They are in fact enslaved by their imprinting to follow the
fetish rather than the person, and so it is a matter of luck what
kind of personalities they get mixed up with or attached to. A
dedicated fetishist does not usually make a very good [Link]
unless he happens to find exactly the right wife.
Since to some extent all men have their preferences, and a
great many have at least mild fetishes, one of the easiest ways
for a woman to please and hang on to a man is to find out
covertly what his fetishes are and indulge or even cater to
them secretly. This is certainly what makes (and has made
throughout history) successful mistresses. Many a war has
been fought and many a kingdom made or lost because of a bit
of ribbon or lace worn -in the proper fetching place. But the
matter can be handled more honestly, and perhaps even more
effectively, by asking him outright what his fetishes are, and
then indulging him. But because fetishes are fixed early in life,
they are sometimes a generation behind the current styles,
which the woman may find embarrassing. Even though a 1940
bathing suit turns her man on, she may understandably decline
to wear one thirty years later.
Whicb brings us to a much-neglected subject: the counter-
fetishist, what I would like to call the fetishera. Nearly all
fetishists are men. But for every man who is hung up on shoes,
there is a woman ready to cater to and groove with him, and
for every man who gets his thrills from hair, there is a woman
who gets hers from having her locks raped. Havelock Ellis has
many cases of this meeting of the minds : the man who yearns
to get pressed on by high heels sooner or later meets a woman
who has daydreamed all her life ~f heel-pressing. These
women are fetisheras, and very little is known about them
because they do not come to professional attention very often.
There are just as many women who specialize in hair, gloves,
shoes, or underwear as there are men urgently searching for
116 Sex and People
the delights they offer. This is borne out not only in the case
histories collected by Havelock Ellis and other natural his-
torians of sex, but also by the fetishists who put want ads in
underground papers such as the Berkeley Barb.
Now back to the 'normal' turn-on. There are men who are
turned on by breasts and men who are turned on by legs -
breast men and leg men, as they call themselves politely - and
both are considered normal. Strictly speaking, however, and
meaning no offence, such preferences are expeditions to the
foothills of fetishism. A true fetishist is unable to get an erec-
tion in the absence of his fetish, no matter how desirable his
partner is in other ways. Now if a leg man or a breast man
were not allowed to look at or touch his favourite regions, he
might suffer from the same difficulty. The normal turn-on, on
the other hand, is. based on the height, weight, conformation,
carriage, gait, seat, features, and skin texture of the woman:
what is popularly called her 'personality', that is, the general
proportions of her body, the way she moves, her face and her
skin. But the fetishes, the leg-breast preferences, and the 'per-
sonality' turn-on, are all equally due to imprinting, and in
most cases mother is the imprinter.
Thus the turn-on is actually a Child-Parent relationship,
and fits Figure 6 (going up).
The turn-on is such a profound biological phenomenon that
it has probably played a major role in evolution through sexual
selection. Female birds are no doubt turned on by the brilliant
plumage of male birds during mating season, and the brighter
the plumage of the cock, the more birds he turns on. Similarly
with rump colours in monkeys. The turn-on first occurs
through distant senses : sight and sound, and in some cases
smell. Male porcupines are strongly attracted by the urine of
females in heat. Female moths give off an odour which can
turn on male moths as far as a mile away.6 The question is
whether the male moth actually 'smells' something, or whether
there is just a chemical effect that pulls the switch without his
being aware of an odour. The same question arises in the case
of human beings. There are certain chemical turn-ons that
Forms of Human Relationship 117
people are aware of, and these are called perfumes, although
sweat may serve the purpose too in many cases. But it is also
possible that some women (and men also) give off chemicals
that affect the nervous systems of other human beings without
anyone smelling anything or being aware of what has turned
them on.
As evidence for this, some people think that dogs can smell
human odours that other humans can't - the smell of fear, for
example. Now, people may not be aware of smelling fear, but
they might still be affected in some other 'Yay by the same
chemicals that the dog actually smells, whatever 'actually
smells' means for a dog. The same could easily apply to sex. In
fact there is nothing, really, that says men are any less sensi-
tive than m~ths. It may very well be that some men can sense
the presence of a sexy woman, and vice versa, at a distance of
one mile in open country, without being able to explain it.
There is also the fact that people of one race often say they
can smell people of another: some Caucasians say they can
smell Negroes, and some Chinese say they can smell Cauca-
sians, while people of the same race don't seem to smell each
other that way. All this indicates that odourless smells may be
important in sexual turn-on. 9 Whether the smell is odourless
because it has no odour, or just because people don't notice the
odour if they have been around it for a long time, such smells
or chemical signals could still have a powerful effect on the
nervous systems of the opposite sex, or in some cases, of the
same sex.
There are tricks to every trade, but there are more tricks to
the turn-on trade than any other, since it involves all of the
senses and all of the man. Natural endowment of body build,
legs, breasts, hair, and buttocks is a good beginning. Each man
has his preferences, and some one of these elements just suit-
ing him may be enough for a visual turn-on. This usually de-
pends on the way his mother looked to him when he was a
certain age : either four years old, when he first began to be
interested in the conformations of different females, and de-
cided at that time what kind of a girl he was going to marry;
118 Sex and People
or twelve to fourteen, when he felt the first stirrings of adult
sexuality. Usually he will look first at whatever features were
emphasized in his family, which may be hands or feet or ears
rather than the larger proportions. Some women go along with
nature in the visual turn-on, or enhance their appearance in
socially acceptable ways, but others do resort to tricks. One sits
provocatively; another stands with her legs apart, perhaps over
a floor heater so that her skirt balloons out a little. Some like
to bend over to pick things up, emphasize the roll of their
buttocks when they walk, 'Qt" put their hands behind their
heads. These are things that well-brought-up young ladies
are not supposed to do; hence they are an unfair form of
competition and may arouse anger or contempt in other
women.
Along with the visual turn-on, the groundwork may be laid
for the fetish turn-on, which depends a great deal on dress.
Here again, the man tends to be hooked by the things his fam-
ily emphasized, particularly his mother. In fact the basic rule
for fetishes is that the man's fetish is the same as the fetish of
his mother's Child. If_ she took a childlike fascination in col-
lecting a closet full of shoes, he may have a childlike fascina-
tion with women's shoes. And her daughter may, too. He be-
comes a shoe fetishist and his sister a fetishera, although it
does not always work out that neatly. But in general, when a
fetishist meets his fetishera and says, 'My mother had a closet
full of shoes,' she is quite likely to reply, 'So did mine.' He
means: 'Mother loved her shoes and so did I; that's why I'm
hung up on your shoes.' She means: 'Father loved mother's
shoes, and that's why I'm hung up on shoes; so I'm glad you
love mine.' The same applies to large breasts or buttocks, long
hair, tight slacks, ruffled skirts, petticoats, furs, or hiking
boots. The combination of imprinting and sexy secrets in the
family becomes irresistible.
Voice turn-on probably has the same background as fetish-
ism. One overtone may hook a man for life. This extends as
well to other sounds. Some men are turned on by women who
cough or cry; in former days there were sighs. If a man's
Forms of Human Relationship 119
mother had asthma, his wife, by an odd coincidence, may have
it, too. This type of sexual selection can obviously have an
inherited effect on their offspring, thus passing on certain types
of illnesses to the third generation.
Smell turn-ons also hark back to the early years of life. The
commonest are cooking smells, just like mother used to make.
Then come perfume and sweat, and finally other odours, more
difficult for people to acknowledge even to themselves.
All of these are social turn-ons: sight, sound, smell, and
fetishes, which can happen anywhere during the most casual
encounters. In the bedroom, they can be reinforced by power-
ful influences of mode and zone. Every man is to some extent
a positionist, preferring a certain mode or position during in-
tercourse, 'and every woman is a positura, ready to offer her-
self in a certain way. As noted in the introductory chapter,
there are many manuals that list new positions for those who
are tired of the old ones and are too tied up to discover others
for themselves. Similarly, every man is an organist, preferring
certain organs or body zones for his maximum excitement, and
every woman an organa, with her own ideas of where she most
likes to be touched or to receive. In some of the United States,
intercourse other than in the vagina is illegal. But many re-
ligious authorities consider any kind of foresex permissible, as
long as the ejaculation itself takes place in the vagina, so that
even panorganas, women who enjoy all kinds of organic stimu-
lation, can remain in good standing.
The ideal sexual mate for a man, then, is a woman with the
right physical appearance, the right voice, and the right per-
fume, ~o dresses a certain way, and likes to have sex in a
certain special position, freely using or making available cer-
tain parts of her body. The proper degree of initiative or activ-
ity, and compliance or passivity, is also very important. The
turn-on is so powerful and so deeply ingrained that a marriage
based on a complete turn-on, including all of the items given
above, can stand all kinds of stresses and strains. But a mar-
riage based on the turn-on alone can also turn out very badly,
as men who marry call girls often discover when money prob-
120 Sex and People
lems arise. Nevertheless, it is very important to choose a mate
from among the people who tum you on.
What has been discussed above may be called instant or
primary turn-on. There are also two possible forms of delayed
turn-on which can fortify a marriage mightily if the primary
turn-on is weak. One is the conditioned delayed turn-on. A
man who likes good food and good care, for example, may get
turned on every time he goes into the kitchen and sees his wife
standing over the cooker getting his dinner for him. 10 The
more times he gets turned on by that, the more likely he is to
carry the turn-on into bed. There are many other situations
having nothing directly to do with sex in which a couple may
turn each other on, and the more often that happens, the more
likely they are to discover the buried sexual attractions in each
other. This is something like what psychologists call condition-
ing, a relative of the conditioned reflexes that have to do with
food.11
Secondary delayed turn-on occurs in couples who do not
thrill each other sexually at first sight, sound, or touch, but
who live together affectionately nonetheless. In the course of
time, through accident, boldness, curiosity, or psychotherapy,
they find certain things in each other that do turn them on, the
buried sexual attractions referred to above. These may consist
of certain kinds of naughty desires that they have kept hidden
from each other, or even from themselves, and which turn out
to be congenial to both of them. But the revelation of such a
desire, when it is not congenial to the other party, may result
in -trouble, so there is a delicate balance here between boldness
and discretion, Nevertheless, secondary turn-ons do often de-
velop constructively in the course of time. They must be dis-
tinguished from phoney turn-ons or one-sided lecheries, since
both of those will end in tum-offs, which are worse than noth-
ing.
The turn-on is what lends kicks and joy to a relationship
and counteracts the drabness of living together with worry
about finances and housekeeping, and petty job annoyances
and drinking parties. Some people seek the turn-on by takin.r
Forms of Human Relationship 121
alcohol or drugs, but then it is the alcohol or drug that is doing
the turning on and not the other person, and that can turn out
badly in the long run. Certainly most women like to feel that
they can turn on their husbands better than martinis or mari-
juana or a dose of LSD <;an.
If the turn-on is missing in a marriage, there is always the
risk that some outside party will supply it. In a typical case,
the wife does her duty and caters to her husband in some
respects but is unable to go along with everything he asks for.
On his side, he dare not ask for everything he wants, nor even
admit some of his desires to himself. The wife tries hard and
expects gratitude, and he in fairness to her tries to feel it. If he
meets another woman who does more for him than he ever
dreamed of, without 'trying' and without expecting any grati-
tude, then the wife who has sacrificed so much pride in accom-
modating him feels that he is an ungrateful wretch. Or it may
be the other way round, with the wife getting turned on by
another man. In either case, the marriage is in deep trouble in
this contest between upbringing and biology.
It is very difficult for a wife in her forties to face the fact
that her husband's young mistress is giving him something she
could give herself if she could cut loose from her early train-
ing. Most women in such situations would rather get a divorce
than betray their parents by surrendering to their own and
their husband's sexual desires, which after a life-time of sup-
pression seem strange, sinful, and saary, or just plain lecher-
ous. So now let us turn our attention to the psychology of
lechers.

j. LECHERY

Lechery is less spontaneous than a true turn-on, and more

complicated. In fact, it is forced. An intelligent and alert lecher
can actually hear the voices in his head which tell us the origin
of his passion. It is the voice of a corrupt Parent saying that
this is supposed to be exciting, and ordering the Child to get
122 Sex and People
excited. (See Figure 17C). The Child, of course, goes along with
this because at first it is exciting. But the Parental voice keeps
driving him beyond the limits of ordinary sexual endurance, so
that he ends up exhausted and resentful.
This is openly declared in the Marquis de Sade's Philosophy
in a Bedroom, 12 where the corrupt gang goads and prods the
young girl again and again, and since it is her first experience,
her ardour is almost, but not quite, inexhaustible. It then be-
comes clear that it is her father who is the source of her dog-
ged persistence: it is not enough for him that his daughter is
being thoroughly debauched by these experts, but he sends his
wife along too and urges them to corrupt her as well. De Sade,
of course, is fundamentally a coward in spite of his loud boast-
ings, and he fails the crucial test: he does not allow incest with
the mother, but calls in outside assistance to ravish and rot her.
Nor does he explain this dereliction in the philosophy with
which he fills in the time while waiting for the next erection.
Lechery, then, is a Child-to-Child relationship, in which
neither party is interested in the other except as a techni~ian,
because they are really each following the instructions of the
Parents in their heads: 'More! More! Enjoy yourself, dam-
mit! It's fun! ' First the Child says, 'It sure is,' then he says, 'I
guess so,' then, 'I'm not so sure,' and finally, 'It isn't fun at all.'
Then like any red-blooded Child, he rebels, and rebellion in
this case is repentance. That is why repentance is always more
exciting than virtue; virtue is compliance, while repentance is
rebellion against the corrupt Parent.

k. COMPANIONS

A companion literally is someone that you eat with. A com-

rade is someone that you share the same room with (from the
Spanish camara, a room). A companion is someone whom you
eat with, have fun with, talk with, and go out with. All the ego
states of both parties are likely to be involved. Companions
exchange Parental prejudices, give each other Adult advice,
Forms of Human Relationship 123
and have Child fun together (Figure 7). Companionship is a
twosome and may or may not involve sex. Companions, how-
ever, are not necessarily concerned with each other's welfare,

A E

Companions
Figure7

and the relationship may be temporary, as during a summer

vacation, a ship's cruise, or a war. In these two respects it
differs from friendship. Companions usually have a certain
amount of respect and affection for each other. On the other
hand, they may despise each other and go out together because
they play the same psychological games.

I. FRIENDS

The next step in relationship is friendship. The essence of

friendship is that there is no active Parental ego state under
ordinary conditions. That is, friends do not criticize each' other
in a Parent-to-Child way, although they may give each other
advice. But this advice is not fingershaking, it is a rational,
124 Sex and People
factual statement, Adult-to-Adult or Adult-to-Child, as in Fig-
ure 8. A friend does not say (Parentally), 'Smoking marijuana
is awful, and only degenerate people do it. I'm only telling you
that as a friend.' A real friend says, 'You know you can get a
rap of up to twenty years for doing that openly. I'd miss you if
you were away that long.'

e--e ' ,

A E

Friends
Figures

Friends 'accept' each other. 'Accept' is one of those words

most people use without defining clearly, like 'togetherness',
'sharing', 'hostility', 'dependency', and 'passive'. If you ask
them what they mean, they say, 'You know what I mean,' and
get angry if you say you don't. The reason they get angry is
that they don't know what they mean and they are relying on
you to know. If you say you don't, you have left them
stranded, and so they get angry. The only way to be sure you
understand an abstract noun is to draw a diagram or picture of
what you mean. I think Figure 8 is a diagram of what 'accept'
Forms of Human Relationship 125
means. It means that the critical Parent is crossed out and
decommissioned.
There are two exceptions to this, however, where two people
can be friends even with active Parental ego states. The first
occurs in any emergency where the caring Parent, but not the
critical Parent, becomes active, so that if you really g~t hurt a
friend might show you some sympathy and take care of you
without damaging the friendship. But if the caring Parent is
always there meddling around, trying to help you when you
don't want to be helped, then that's not going to be a very good
friendship. That is one way mothers keep from being friends
with their children. Even if the critical Parent is restrained,
they overca,re and interfere, giving help when it is not wanted.
Another way in which friendship can survive an active Par-
ent, even a critical one, is to criticize other people but not each
other. Already given was the classical example of the 'com-
mittee members', who can be good friends just because 'now-
adays everything is awful (except us)'. What they are doing is
repeating things their mothers and fathers taught them, and if
their Parents agree, they will agree, even if nothing they say
makes sense or has been critically evaluated. So you don't have
to say anything sensible to have a friend, providing you both
believe in the same nonsense.
A friend is basically a more solid form of companion.
Friends may eat together, live together, talk together, have fun
together, and go out together. But in addition they stay to-
gether for life and help each other in time of need.
- To paraphrase Proust, a friend is one who has the same
illusions you have, so he won't hurt your feelings when he finds
out you have them, too.

m. INTIMACY

The closer together people get, the more independent and self-
contained their relation becomes. Therefore the closest rela-
tionships are the ones that we know least about. People have
126 Sex and People
been trying to define intimacy, for example, for 5,000 years,
with little success up to the present. By using the idea of ego
states, however, I think we can say more about it now than
anybody has been able to say previously.
Intimacy is a candid Child-to-Child relationship with no
games and no mutual exploitation. It is set up by the Adult ego
states of the parties concerned, so that they understand very
well their contracts and commitments with each other, some-
times without a word being spoken about such matters. As this
understanding becomes clearer, the Adult gradually retires
from the scene, and if the Parent does not interfere, the Child
becomes more and more relaxed and freer and freer. The
actual intimate transactions take place between the two Child
ego states. The Adult, however, still remains in the background
as an overseer to assure that the commitments and limitations
are kept. The Adult also has the task of keeping the Parent
from barging in and spoiling the situation. In fact the capacity
for intimacy depends upon the ability of the Adult and the
Child to keep the Parent at bay if necessary; but it is even
better if the parent benevolently gives permission or, best of all,
encouragement, for the relationship to proceed. Parental en-
couragement helps the Child lose his fear of intimacy, and
assures that he will not be restrained by a burden or threat of
guilt.
The reality of this dialogue between the three ego states can
be checked by any alert person who is about to embark on an
intimate relationship. If he listens carefully to the voices in his
head, he will hear the Child exclaiming his desire to go ahead
and get to know the person better, his Adult saying, 'I think
you have found the right one,' and his Parent either grumbling
about some aspect like social standing or religion, or throwing
'in some approving comment such as : 'You deserve to enjoy
yourself on your vacation, just so you work hard when you get
back,' at which the Child nods eagerly and promises that he will.
Once the Child is free of Adult caution and Parental criti-
cism, he has a sense of elation and awareness. He begins to see
and hear and feel the way he really wants to, the way he
For ms of Human Relationship 127
originally did before he was corrupted by his living parents. In
this autonomous state, he no longer has to name things, as is
usually required by his Adult, nor account for his behaviour, as
demanded by his Parent. He is free to respond directly and
spontaneously to what he sees and hears and feels. Because the
two parties trust one another, they freely open up their secret
worlds of perception, ·experience, and behaviour to each other,
asking nothing in return except the delight of opening the
gates without fear.
In order to have this kind of relation, the Child must cut
loose from the inner Parent for the same reason that he must
be away from his actual parents. Carefree sexual enjoyment
and intimacy, for example, would be almost impossible if one
of his actuai parents were standing behind him, and the same
difficulties arise if the inner Parent becomes active as a phan-
tom in the bedroom. He must also cut loose from his Adult
-because his Adult expects him to make sense. Making sense is
one of the first ways in which parents corrupt their children.
For instance, they do not for long allow them to listen with
pure and spontaneous enjoyment. Sooner or later, when the
baby is listening to a bird song, the father or mother will say
'Birdie, birdie,' and then the baby has to say 'Birdie, birdie.'
Later, he may have to learn to tell the difference between a
sparrow and a jay. This Adult activity distracts his Child from
listening. Of course, such teaching is necessary and valuable,
and the baby could not survive into grown-up years without it.
What goes wrong in most cases is that the person is never
again able to suspend this Adult data processing, so that after
early infancy, most people never again really hear a bird sing-
ing.
The same happens with looking. Parents teach children that
they are not allowed to stare at people because that is rude,
unless they are doing it for a specific purpose, perhaps in the
course of a professional activity such as hairdressing, derma-
tology, or psychiatry.* The result is that most human being
*Professionals are allowed to stare because the client implicitly gives
them permission to do so when he engages their services. In other words,
128 Sex and People
never really see another person after they are five years old. In
an intimate relationship, each party returns to the original
naive Child ego state, where he is free of such Parental pro-
hibitions and Adult requirements, and can see, hear, and taste
in its purest form what the world has to offer. This freedom of
the Child is the essential part of intimacy, and it turns the
whole universe, including the sun, moon, and stars, into a
golden apple for both parties to enjoy.
There is also such a thing as one-sided intimacy, in which
one party is ready for it and the other resists it. This is some-
thing like Balzac's typical situation in which one party is ready
for love, and loves, while the other. merely permits himself to
be loved. Such a set-up can be exploited by unscrupulous
people for their own advantage. Many prostitutes and court-
esans* know how to free the open and intimate Child in men
without lowering their own guard, and pimps and predatory
men can exploit women in the same way.
The 'intimacy experiment', in which two people sit close to
each other 'eyeball to eyeball', t and keep eye contact while
talking straight to each other, reveals many interesting things
about intimacy.13 First, it demonstrates that any two people of
either sex, starting as strangers or mere acquaintances, can at-

certain professional contracts carry a built-in staring licence. The Parent of

the professional relaxes the anti-staring rule as long as th\) staring is part
of the job, i.e., Adult. But sometimes the Child takes advantage of this
relaxation to steal a look too. A crooked Parent may even go along with this
abuse of the staring licence, offering an interesting example of the lechery
mechanism shown in Figure 17C. Therefore, whether or not the cheating
Child feels guilty depends on whether the Parent (of the same or sometimes
of the opposite sex) is or is not lecherous.
•Roughly speaking, at the going rates, a common prostitute is one whose
fee is up to $100 in advance. A high-class prostitute is one whose fee is
over $100 in money or goods, not in advance. A courtesan is one whose fee
is high enough so that it takes a lawyer to draw up the papers.
tThis procedure was first systematically studied at the San Francisco
Transactional Analysis Seminar about ten years ago. Since then it has be-
come a standard part of the repertoire of'encounter' groups. It wasamusing
recently to have it demonstrated to me by an 'Encounterer' who was unaware
of its history.
Forms of Human Relationship 129
tain intimacy in fifteen minutes or so under proper conditions.
Secondly, it shows that any two people who really look at each
other, and really see each other, and talk straight to each
other, always (as .far as these and similar 'encounters' go) end
up liking each other.14 This indicates that dislikes result from
(I) people not really seeing each other and/or (2) people not
talking straight to each other. The greatest preventive of inti-
macy seems to be a critical Parent, and next to that, a crooked
Child. This is instructive as far as it goes, but further investiga-
tion is necessary before any firm conclusions can be drawn.
In fairness to parents, however, it should be said that there
are many who successfully teach their children to see and hear
more and b~tter, to be open to intimacy, and to distinguish it
from sexuality.

n. LOVE

Love is defined in many ways, and I will not review them here.
In Greek there are eros, philos, and agape: desire, friendship,
and affection. Since our subject is sex, I will talk about eros,
the desire and intoxication of sexual love.
Sexual love, being sexual, will be full of lust, or better, lusti-
ness; and being love, it will partake of that which sets true love
apart from all other relations - and that is putting the welfare
and happiness of the other person before one's own. Love is
the most complete and noblest relationship of them all, and
includes the best of all the others : respect, admiration, turn-
on, friendship and intimacy, all in one, with its own grace or
charisma added.
Such a relation can exist only if the Parent, with its watchful
eyes and hearing aids, and the Adult, with its dreary prudence,
are out of commission, and that is exactly the situation when
people fall in love. At the moment they do so, they cease to
regard each other with prosaic prejudice or to restrain their
buxom behaviour with more than a bare minimum of sweet
reason. Love is Child-to-Child: an even more primitive Child
130 Sex and People
than the intimate one, for the Child of intimacy sees things as
they are, in all their pristine beauty, while the Child of love
adds something to that and gilds the lily with a luminous halo
invisible to everyone but the lover. This is a primal vision, the
way the infant, I think, sees his mother: not only as the most
beautiful object or person in this world, but with a shimmering
radiance that outshines all other worlds.
This resembles the radiance that some people see with LSD.
The difference is that in mutual love there are two people
involved, and they are involved with each other out there
rather than with what is going on inside their own heads.
Drugs are instead of people, and people are better than drugs.
The person who takes LSD is intoxicated, while the person in
love is in the purest state possible: he is detoxified of both
Parental corruption and Adult misgivings, and his Child is free
to embark on the greatest adventure open to the human race,
next to the moon. In the intoxication of drugs, he is in the grip
of an impersonal and inhuman force that will not listen and
has no interest in his welfare. In the detoxication of love, he is
in the grip of the most personal reality there is: someone
whose greatest delight is to listen not only to his words but to
the cadence of his voice, and whose greatest interest is pre-
cisely in his happiness and welfare. Love is a sweet trap from
which no one departs without tears.
Some say one-sided love is better than none, bµt like half a
loaf of bread, it is likely to grow hard and mouldy sooner.

O. CLASSIFYING RELATIONSHIPS

Although some relationships are pure, a great many are mixed

and not easy to classify. If they are looked at moment by
moment, however, they fall into place. The following example
will illustrate some of the difficulties and subtleties, and how
they can be solved by means of relationship diagrams.
Susan, a young lady in her twenties who loved babies and
had a strong nesting instinct, had always backed off from men
Forms of Human Relationship 131
because she feared them and their sexuality. She was progress-
ing from acquaintances with whom she played games so as to
disrupt the relationship before it became threatening, towards
intimacy and love. On the way, we had the following conversa-
tion:
Susan : I get along well with Roger, but it's not love, it's just
cuffing. We're very good friends, but he might as well be my
brother. He fixes things around the house and then we go to
bed. I'm not afraid of sex any more, but there's not much more
to it than that.
Doctor: Too bad there has to be a man at the other end of
the penis.
Susan: :Ves, it would be much simpler if there wasn't. If I
could have a penis to play with and a man to take care of me,
I'd be okay.
In the language of transactional analysis, Susan wants
Roger to oscillate between being a nurturing Parent, a helpful
Adult, and a sexy Child, while she remains in a Child ego state
throughout. According to her description, the relation sounds
like companionship or friendship, but there are certain differ-
ences from both. Companionship (Figure 7) is a 'straight-
across' relationship, Parent-to-Parent, Adult-to-Adult, and
Child-to-Child, while this one has some oblique vectors. Com-
panionship is symmetrical, in that both parties are equal, while
the Susan-Roger relationship is not. Friendship (Figure 8) has
oblique vectors, but these only rarely involve the Parent,
whereas the Parent is a necessary part of the Susan-Roger
relation. In addition, friendship is symmetrical and Susan-
Roger is not.
We can break the S-R relationship into its three aspects as
described by Susan, in which she remains always in the Child
ego state (Figure 9, 10, and 11), while Roger switches from one
to another. If we bring these three diagrams together, we get a
picture of the overall relationship (Figure 12). This can be used
to predict what the possibilities are. It does not look like a
good diagram for co-workers (A-A) nor for marriage (which
needs more than three vectors to work well), and we have
R s R s
An Asymmetrical P-C Relation An Asymmetrical A-C Relation
'A man to take care of me' 'He fixes things'
Figure9 Figure 10

R s R s
A Symmetrical C-C Relation Total Exploitation
'A penis to play with' The Susan- Roger Relationship
Figure11 Flgure12
Forms of Human Relationship 133
already discussed the difficulties in the way of true companion-
ship or friendship. Intimacy and love are not likely either,
because of its asymmetry. For those, Susan must change,
either through psychotherapy or by meeting a different kind of
man, so that she can overcome her Child's fear and meet him
as an equal. Thus we can predict that the S-R relationship
will be (and should be) only temporary, which it was.
Although Roger got some satisfaction out of it, including
sexual, from her side it was a relation of total exploitation
in which she used all three of his ego states for her own
needs without offering anything in return except what he could
forage.
It is clear that sex can find a place in any of the relationships
mentioned 'in this chapter, which gives us the following list,
with a few comments about some of the items.
Acquaintance or casual sex. This may occur 'by accident',
on impulse, for money, to prove something, to 'show some-
body', or as a pastime in special situations of boredom.
Co-worker or office sex. This is common between workers in
the same echelon. Most businessmen avoid it on the principle
that it is easier to find another good mistress than another
good secretary ..Wise secretaries avoid it on the same principle
that it is easier to find a good boyfriend than a good boss.
Aside from ethical considerations, therapists - and wise pati-
ents - avoid it for similar reasons. It is easier for a therapist to
find a good girlfriend than to find another good patient. And
it is obviously easier for a patient to find a good boyfriend
than to find another good therapist, since there are millions of
eligible bachelors in this country, but only a few thousand
competent shrinks.
Committee sex. This is a matter of propinquity and indi-
vidual preference. It may work in a working committee, but in
an 'Ain't It Awful' committee it is likely to be awful.
Respect sex. This is risky even if both parties are unmarried
and sure of their potency. If it is not completely straight and
~ompfotely• satisfying, respect is soon cremated in the heat of
ill-spent passion, and the ashes of respect are the burning em-
134 Sex and People
hers of scorn. Such an ill death of something so fine is seldom
worth the hazard.
Admiration sex. This is a good way to get an autograph
from an admired one.
Affectionate sex is groovy.
Companionable sex. A good way to share the room rent,·
some people think.
Friendly sex. Nothing interferes with friendship like sex,
md nothing interferes with sex like friendship.
Intimate sex is wow.
Loving Sex. Sexual fluids make a good cement, and they
also produce babies.

p. MARRIAGE

Marriage may be based on or involve any of the situations

previously discussed, and I will not attempt a formal analysis
of this difficult relationship, which results in 500,000 divorces
per year in the States alone. (The moral of this, obviously, is
that the sovereign remedy for divorce is to abolish marriage.)
But I would like to suggest a very artificial classification that
has two advantages as far as it goes : it is not misleading, and
it is easy to remember. It is based on letters of the alphabet:
AHIOSVX and Y.
An A marriage starts off as a shotgun or makeshift one. The
couple are far apart, but soon they find a single common bond,
perhaps the new baby. This is represented by the crossbar of the
A. As time goes on, they get closer and closer until they finally
come together, and then they have a going concern. This is
represented by the apex of the A.
An H marriage starts -off the same way, but the couple never
gets any closer, and the marriage is held together by a single
bond. Otherwise they each go where they were originally
headed.
An I marriage starts off and ends with the couple forged
into a single unit.
Forms of Human Relationship 135
An 0 marriage goes round and round in a circle, never
getting anywhere, and repeating the same patterns until it is
terminated by death or separation.
An S marriage wanders around seeking happiness, and
eventually ends up slightly above and to the right of where it
started, but it never gets any farther than that, leaving both
parties disappointed and bewildered, and good candidates for
psychotherapy, since there is enough there so that they don't
want a divorce.
A V marriage starts off with a close couple, but they im"
mediately begin to diverge, perhaps after the honeymoon is
over or even after the first night.
An X ma,rriage starts off like an A. At one point there is a
single period of bliss. They wait for it to happen again, but it
never does, and soon they drift apart again, never to reunite.
A Y marriage starts off well, but difficulties multiply, and
eventually each one finds his own separate interests and goes
his own way.
There are undoubtedly many other types of marriages, but
they do not fit into the alphabet we use, so they will have to be
left for a more complicated system of classification.

q. LEGAL RELATIONSHIPS

In contrast to the structural or ego-state system of classifying

relationships, let us briefly discuss the sexual aspects of the
legal system of classification. Personal relations have been
under continual scrutiny and definition by this profession ever
since Roman times, and even before that to some extent. Be-
sides the four main classes generally mentioned in law books,15
we have included a fifth because, although it is not primarily a
personal relationship, it easily becomes one.
Husband and Wife

Sex is not only permitted between husband and wife, but it is

more or less compulsory. If a marriage is not 'consummated'
that may be grounds for annulment. On the other hand, in
many states in the U.S.A. there are strict limits to the kinds of
sex which are permissible in marriage. Anything but face-to-
face vaginal copulation may be called 'a crime against nature'
and constitute a felony with the penalty of imprisonment.
Thus, legally speaking, one sexual act face to face makes a
marriage, while any other form of intercourse turns both par-
ties into criminals.

Parent and Child

Sexual intercourse between parent and child is forbidden be-

cause that constitutes incest, even after the child is grown up.
The only sexual pleasures permitted by law are extreme per-
versions or far-out procedures justified as morality or hygiene.
A father is allowed to spank his children, including his
daughters, with or without their clothes on. A mother is al-
lowed to give her son daily enemas (and a father his daughter)
even without a doctor's orders. A father is [Link] to
lift up his daughter's dress when she returns from a date to see
whether she has had intercourse. And both parents are allowed
to do stripteases and go to the bathroom in the presence of
their children.

Guardian and Ward

This includes many complex legal situations. Generally speak-

ing, guardian and ward are not supposed to have sex with each
other. In some cases it is expressly forbidden, in others it may
be permissible and may be one of the pleasures of such a legal
Forms of Human Relationship 137
relationship. If the ward is a minor, the same perversions may
be permitted as in the case of parent and child.

Master and Servant

This may include master and apprentice, teacher and pupil. It

is an established principle (or at least it happens frequently)
that a master may have sex with his servants or a mistress with
hers, and if the consequences are unfortunate the servant is
then entitled to the redress provided by common law. Thus
such relations are a form of manor-house roulette. When the
girl's number fails to come up, the master loses. In the old days
when teachers kept their distance from their pupils, sex be-
tween them was regarded askance. But as the relationship be-
comes more intimate, sex becomes more and more common
and accepted. Boss and secretary is a common sexual relation-
ship, even in the face of good sense, but such double con-
tracts are chancy. Many a woman can be either a good secretary
·or a good mistress, but it is not easy to be both to the
same man, and often the two vocations interfere with each
other.

Supplier and Client

There are no laws specifically prohibiting a businessman from

having sexual relationships with his customers, but there are
certain professional relations of a 'fiduciary' nature. There the
client is in the hands of the supplier and tends to rely on his
judgement and take his a<;lvice, since that is the commodity
being paid for. This is the case between lawyers or social
workers and their clients, and between doctors or psycho-
therapists and their patients. It is considered unethical and
sometimes illegal for the professional person to have affairs
with his clients or patients. A few therapists do it on the prin-
ciple that their patients will get better faster, but it rarely works
138 Sex and People
that way. In the majority of cases it damages the therapeutic
relationship and the patient gets worse.
What is wrong is that love is not included in the contract.
The patient is paying for treatment and not for sex. Some
therapists and lawyers get around the ethical problem by wait-
ing until the case is 'finished', and then have sex with their
clients. This may be legal but it is certainly not ethical. Some-
times the supplier has sex with his clients and is also getting
paid for his services, thus reducing himself to the level of a
drug pedlar or gigolo.
It can be seen that the legal classification of relations offers
some possibilities for thought, but it is not as consistent nor as
intellectually satisfying as the transactional approach. Nor
does it offer any advantages for analysis, understanding, or
prediction. It is actually more cynical than scientific. Much the
same applies to other systems in common use. Psychoanalysis
can analyse relationships but not meaningfully classify them,
and the analyses are much more cumbersome than the trans-
actional ones.
The Appendix to this book gives further information about
classifying relationships in a more formal way,

Notes and References

1. Berne, E.: Transactional Analysis in Psychotherapy, op. cit.

2. Dutch, R. A. (ed.): Rogefs Thesaurus. Penguin Books, Har-
mondsworth, 1966.
3. Llddell, H. G., and Scott, R.: Greek-English Lexicon. Claren-
don Press, Oxford, 1883.
4. I try to avoid the word 'relationship' as much as possible, along
with several other words which have degenerated into shibboleths
of psycho-social work jargon. An exception is made whenever one
of these words can be represented reasonably rigorously in a diagram.
The word 'relationship' is used here specifically to mean that which
is represented by its structural relationship diagram.
5. This is what actually happened when one cancer ward was
Forms of Human Relationship 139
transformed from a Home for Incurables (there actually was an
institution by that name in Montreal, Canada, when I was a boy,
and even then I knew there was something wrong with the idea) into
a cooperative community where everybody had his job to do. In-
stead of lying in bed feeling miserable day after day as they waited
for death, the patients actually began to have fun as they came back
to life, even though death still awaited them, as it does every man.
See: 'Terminal Cancer Ward: Patients Build Atmosphere of Dig-
nity'. Journal of the American Medical Association 208: 1289, 26
May 1969. Also Klagsbrun, S. C.: 'Cancer, Emotions, and Nurses'.
Summary of Scientific Proceedings, 122nd .[Link] Meeting, Ameri-
can Psychiatric Association, Washington, 1969.
6. Lorenz, K. Z.: King Solomon's Ring. Translated by N. K.
Wilson. [Link], London, 1952.
7. This discussion of symbolism differs from the psychoanalytic
view as expressed in the classical paper of Ernest Jones, 'The
Theory of Symbolism'. In E. Jones, Papers on Psycho-Analysis.
Published 1913. Fifth edn. 1948.
8. Ford, C. S. and Beach, F. A.: Patterns of Sexual Behavior.
Eyre & Spottiswoode, London, 1965.
9. The concept of 'odourless smells', chemicals 'broadcast' through
the air by the body of one person, which can affect the behaviour
of other people without their being aware of what has happened,
is not a metaphysical one. In the first place, such chemicals would
work exactly the same as body odours, except that the recipient
would not smell anything. Secondly, odourless gases such as carbon
monoxide and certain military gases, and radioactivity, which is also
odourless, can certainly affect behaviour, although their effects are
due to pathological changes. Thirdly, insects such as moths broad-
cast such substances, and these must be inhaled by moth and man
alike, but man is not aware of their presence. In the case of insects,
they are called pheromones - hormones which stimulate physiologi-
cal or behavioural responses from another individual of the same
species. The species' specificity depends on the presence of specific
ketones.
Whether the male moth 'smells' the pheromones given off by the
female there is no way of knowing. It is known, however, that the
olfactory receptors are affected by them. This can be established
by taking electroantennograms. (Schneider, D., and Seibt, U.: 'Sex
140 Sex and People
Pheromone of the Queen Butterfly : Electroantennogram Responses~:
Science 164: 1173-1174, 9 June 1969.)
10. I have referred to the conditioned tum-on as 'possible' because
I do not have the clinical material to support it. What I have said
about it sounds plausible and is certainly hopeful. Unfortunately,
when I asked a recent divorc6e about it, she replied, 'Emphatically
no! It just doesn't work that way!' with a clear implication that she
knew because she had tried it in her own kitchen. So it is just left
as a possibility, for what it is worth as a comfort to worried wives,
experimental psychologists, and behavioural therapists.
11. Pavlov, I. P.: Conditioned Reflexes and Psychiatry. Translated
by W. H. Gantt. International Publishers, New York, 1941.
12. De Sade, D. A. F. : op. cit.
13. Berne, E.: 'The Intimacy Experiment'. Transactional Analysis
Bulletin 3: 113, 1964, and 'More About Intimacy', ibid. 3: 125, 1964.
14. While in these 'experiments' the word used was 'like', there is
something more to it because of the strange after-relationship so
often described in literature between torturers (official or unofficial)
and their victims if they really look at each other and really talk
straight to each other.
15. The California Civil Code is the basis for this discussion, al-
though it has not been strictly followed.
5
Sexual Games

a. INTRODUCTION: IT'S A CRAZY WORLD

Sex can be enjoyed in solitude or in groups, or in couples as an

act of intimacy, a passion, a relief, a duty, or just a way to pass
the time to ward off and postpone the evil day of boredom,
that Boredom which is the pimp of Death and brings to him
sooner or later all its victims, whether by disease, accident, or
intent. For the truth of the matter is not that time is passing,
but that we are passing through time. It is not what they said
in olden days, a river on whose banks we stand, and watch, but
a sea we have to cross, either in solitary labour and watchful-
ness, like crossing the Atlantic in a rowing-boat, or crowded
together over the engine oil and the automatic pilot with noth-
ing to do but play some form of drunk or sober shuffleboard.
Only a few glide in splendour with sail unfurled in a lugger or a
sloop or something grander, ahoy and belay there! up with the
mizzen royal of our full-rigged five-master - the only one ever
built to sail the Seven Seas! And it is still possible to fly non-stop,
without being much bothered by what happens down below.
In the cities and in the country there are millions of birds,
and how many of you with full awareness heard one of them
sing today? In the cities and in the country there are thou-
sands of trees, and how many of you with full awareness saw
one today? Here is a non-stop story of my own. About five
times a week, I walked from my office to the post office in the
little village where I live. I walked by the same route for two
years, about 500 trips, before one day I noticed two hairy palm
trees with a cactus growing between them on a comer that I
passed. I had gone by this rugged delight 499 times in a row
without being aware that anything was growing there, because
I was preoccupied with getting to the post office to pick up my
142 SexandPeople
mail so I could go back to my office and answer the letters so I
could go to the post office and pick up the replies to my an-
swers so I could answer the replies so I could go to the post
office and pick up more mail to answer. My time was mort-
gaged to a self-imposed burden that I could never pay off but
could at any moment, whenever I wished, tear up, and put the
pieces carefully in one of the trash cans considerately provided
by the village council so I would not litter the streets.
I thought of this one time lying in bed in a hotel in Vienna
listening to the quiet of the night and then to the first rustles of
life at dawn, the slow waltz of Vienna in the morning. First
the six o'clock people danced out to prepare the way for the
seven o'clock people, who got ready for the eight o'clock
people who take care of the nine o'clock people.* These open
their stores and offices so that shopping and business calls can
begin at ten, so that the stores can be closed at twelve so that
people can go home and get ready for lunch, so that they can
re-open at two so they can close at five, so that they can get
home by six to dress for dinner at seven so they can get to the
theatre by eight, so that they can get home by eleven to get a
good night's sleep so they will be in good shape when they get
up again in the morning at five, six, seven, or eight.
And there is a song about Sunday, when they are not bound
by all this, and how on that day some of them jump into the
Danube, which is a river and carries them in its' flow as time
does not. For time is not a river, but a sea that must be crossed,
from the shore of bawling birth to the littered coast of death.
And this is not a fancy of songwriters, this fascination of the
waters (Nepenthes en tw potamouthanatw), t for in Vienna
•Six: bus-drivers, I guess. Seven: cooks, I guess. Eight: waitresses, some
of them.
tOkay, here's what it means. Nepenthes, nowadays shortened to Ne-
penthe, is a potion which brings forgetfulness of all pains, quarrels, griefs,
and troubles. 1 Helen of Troy got some from an Egyptian's daughter and
used it to spike wine. From that description in Book IV of the Odyssey, it
sounds not unlike some form of hl\shish. The rest I made up myself. The
root Potam- means a river, as in hippopotamus, and Thanat- means death.
So it means that river-death is a drink to end all troubles.
Sexual Games 143
each year about 500 people kill themselves. Do you know
which country has the highest suicide rate in the world? Hun-
gary. That's Communism for you. Do you know which coun-
try has the second highest rate? Austria. That's democracy for
you. Actually, since they're both on the same river, that's the
Danube for you. Which Communist people have a lower sui-
cide rate than white democratic Americans, but higher than
non-white democratic Americans? The Poles, that's who.a
Since time does not pass, it must be passed through, and that
means always scheduled or structured. Don't just sit there, do
something! What shall we do this morning, this afternoon,
tonight? Mom, there's nothing to do. He doesn't do anything.
I've got lots to do. Get up, you lazy loafer. A writechuguys,
getcherasse8 outabed. Don't do anything, just sit there, and for
one million dollars an hour I'll fill in your time on Channel 99.
A million? He's worth it, man. Pay him two million if you
can.
Sex may be an essential ingredient in structuring time, al-
though eunuchs find plenty to do, don't they? Old Abdul the
sick man of Europe and Asia sitting on Seraglio Point looking
for excitement - you can't trust them, they've got hands and
other ways, chop off their scrotums and what good does it do?
Sex is in the head, it's not all in the scrotum by any means.
You'll find that out the hard way, and then you'll have to tread
slowly to satisfy your lust and have your bust. They say, I'm
Atidul the Cruel but I just have a sensual sense of humour,
carry me back to old Istanbul and the randy life on the Golden
Horn, get the girls out of the sordid honky-tonks and into the
wholesome harems, I mean out of the sordid harems and into
the wholesome honky-tonks. Have it your own way, Dad.
Meaning there's more to life than sex, you can't do it all the
time, you can't even think of it all the time, animals do it only
in the spring and fall, the rest of the time it's eat eat eat, who
wants to be an animal? Vive la diff ere nee! The difference be-
ing that for people there is something more important than
essential ingredients, eating and sex, and they think of it - the
difference - between eating and between sex, and that is being
144 Sex and People
me, I, myself. More than eating and more than sex (which are
necessary, but not sufficient) I want to be a Self, and I am a
Self. Unfortunately, for the most part, this is an illusion.

b. PARENTAL PROGRAMMING

From the beginning, man does what he is told. Most animals

don't. That is really the difference, and as usual it is the oppo-
site of what people usually say. Sexy men are called (by some)
animals, when men are by nature sexier than animals, and an
unsexy animal would certainly not be called a man. Vicious
men are also called animals, but animals are not vicious for the
most part, just hungry. And man is called free, when actually
he is the most compliant of all animals.
Some animals can be trained to perform a stunt here and
there, but not tamed. Other animals can be tamed and also
trained to perform a stunt here and there. But man is tamed
from the beginning, and spends his whole life performing
stunts for his masters : Mom and Pop first, and then teacher,
and after that whoever can grab him and teach him feats of
war and revolution or stunts of peace. Revolution, ha! Buzz
off, Alex. Now I'm walking the wire in Joe's show instead.
Foo, Manchu! It's Mao now for this brown kao. * Believe,
work, and obey. I can't believe Manny so I'll obey, Benny. I'm
free to walk a mile to say Heil, hit the trail or go on trial,
reach the goal or go to gaol. Man is programmed to obey,
obey, obey, obey the obedient, or obey the civil or uncivil dis-
obedients. Form a line on the right, left, don't straggle.
Straggle, don't form a line. Which side shall I straggle on?
Which side shall I struggle on? Don't struggle. Tune in, turn
on, drop out. That's an order! Don't listen to those other pigs.
Listen to your own pigs. Be anarchistic. Be independent, dam-
mit. Be original, no no, not that way, this way. It's imperative
that you enjoy yourself and be spontaneous.

•I mean ¥, lamb.
Sexual Games 145
Here's how it happens.
From earliest months, the child is taught not only what to
do, but also what to see, hear, touch, think, and feel. And
beyond that, he is also told whether to be a winner or a loser,
and how his life will end. All these instructions are pro-
grammed into his mind and his brain just as firmly as though
they were punch cards put into the bank of a computer. In
later years, what he thinks of as his independence or his aut-
onomy is merely his freedom to select certain cards, but for the
most part the same old punch holes stay there that were put
there at the beginning. Some people get an exhilarating sense .
of freedom by rebelling, which usually means one of two
things : either they pull out a bunch of cards punched in early
childhood 'which they have never used before, or they turn
some of the cards inside out and do the opposite of what they
say. Often this merely amounts to following the instructions
on a special card which says: 'When you are 18 (or 40) use
this new bunch of cards, or turn the following cards inside
out.' Another kind of rebellion follows the instructions:
'When you are 18 (or 40), throw away all cards in series A and
leave a vacuum.' This vacuum then has to be filled as quickly
as possible with new instant programs, which are obtained
from drtlgs or from a revolutionary leader. Thus in their
efforts to avoid becoming fatheads or eggheads, these people
end up being acid-heads or spite-heads.
In any case, each person obediently ends up at the age of
five or six - yes, ends up at five or six - with a script or life
plan largely dictated by his parents. It tells him how he's going
to carry on his life, and how it's going to end, winner, non-
winner, or loser. Will it be in the big room surrounded by his
loved ones, or with his bed crowded out into the corridor of
the City Hospital, or falling like a lead bird into the chilled
choppy waters of the Golden Gate? At five or six he doesn't
know all that, but he knows about victorious lions and lonely
corridors and dead fish in cold water. And he also knows
enough to come in first or second like his father or his dad, or
to come in last like his old man, he sure can hold his liquor.
146 Sex and People
This is a free country, but don't stare. We got free speech, so
listen to me. If you don't watch out for yourself nobody else'll
watch out for you, but (a) no, no, mussentouchit, or (b) getcher
cotton pickin' bans off my money, or (c) you gonna grow up to
be a thief or something?
Well, hit him back. You hit him wrong. Say you're sorry.
Watch out. I'll give you something to cry about, you little
monster. Feel angry, inadequate, guilty, scared, hurt. I'll teach
you how to think as well as how to feel. Don't think such
thoughts. Think it over until you see it my way. I'll show you
how to do it, too. Here's how to get away with it. You don't
know what to be when you grow up? I'll tell you what to be.
Be good. Do as you're told, Adolf, and don't ask questions. Be
different. Why can't you be like other kids?
So, having learned what not to see, what not to hear, and
what not to touch, and which feelings to have, and how not to
think, and what not to be, the child sallies forth to school.
There he meets teachers and his own kind. It is called a pri-
mary school, but it is really a law school. By the time he is ten
(the age that lawyers are stuck at) he is an accomplished petti-
fogger in his own defence. He has to be, especially if he is
mean or naughty. You said not to write over the stuff on the
blackboard, but you didn't say don't erase it (or vice versa).
You said not to take her candy, but you didn't say not to take
her chewing gum. You told me not to say bad words to Cousin
Mary, but you didn't say not to undress her. You told me
not to lie on top of girls, but you didn't say anything about
boys.
Later, in high school, come the real script set-ups. 'Don't go
to a drive-in. You'll get pregnant!' Up to that time she didn't
know how to go about getting pregnant. Now she knows. But
she is not ready yet. She has to wait for the signal. 'Don't go to
a drive-in, you'll get pregnant, until I give you the signal.' She
knows mother was sixteen when she was born, and pretty soon
figures she must have been conceived out of wedlock. Natur-
ally, mother gets very nervous when daughter passes her six-
teenth birthday. One day mother says: 'Summer is the worst
Sexual Games 147
time. That's when most high-school girls get pregnant' (gener-
alizing from her own experience). That's the signal. So
daughter goes to a drive-in and gets pregnant.
'Don't go into a men's room because you'll meet a bad man
there who'll do something nasty to you,' father says to his
eight-year-old son. He repeats it about once a year. So when
the time comes, the boy wonders what the nasty thing is, and
he knows where to go to find out. Another father packed not
only the sex instructions but the whole life script into one
pubertal sentence. 'Don't let me catch you going to that house
on Bourbon Street, where there are women who'll do anything
you want for five dollars.' Since the boy didn't have five dol-
lars, he stole it out of his mother's purse, intending to go to
Bourbon Street the following afternoon. But mother happened
to count her money that same night and found it where the
boy had hidden it, and he was caught and punished. He
learned his lesson well. 'If I'd gone down right after dinner
instead of putting it off until the next day, everything would've
been all right.' He wouldn't have been caught with the five
dollars. This is a good non-winner script. If you want women,
get money. Spend it as quickly as possible, before you get
caught. You can't win, but you can certainly keep from losing.
The loser's instructions generally read something like this:
'If at first you don't succeed, try, try, try again. Even if you
win a few, keep trying, and you're bound to lose in the end,
because you can't win 'em all.' The winner's read: 'Why lose
at all? If you lose, it means you played wrong. So do it again
until you learn to do it right.'
If it is not interfered with by some decisive force, the script
will be carried through to the sweet or bitter end. There are
three such forces. the greatest script-breakers are massive
events which lumber inexorably down the path of history:
wars, famines, epidemics, and oppression, which overtake and
crush everyone before them like cosmic steamrollers, save for
those who are licensed to clamber aboard and use them as
bandwagons. The second is psychotherapy and other conver-
sions, which break up scripts and make losers into non-winners
148 Sex and People
('Making progress') and non-winners into winners ('Getting
well', 'Flipping in', and 'Seeing the light').
In rare cases a third force takes over, and the script is
broken up by an autonomous decision or re-decision of the
person himself. This happens with people whose script allows
them to make an autonomous decision. The clearest example
in recent times is Mao Tse-tung, head of the Chinese People's
Republic, who started out as a middle-class person with a
middle-class script, and by his own inner struggle became what
he defines as a real proletarian, so that he felt comfortable in
that role and uncomfortable in his middle-class script role,
which due to the force majeure of Chinese history was a
loser's role. 3 By flipping in with history he became a winner in
war and in politics, and in literature as well, since few if any
authors in modern times are as widely read as he is in his
own lifetime.
It is important to note that the script is not 'unconscious'
and can be easily unearthed by a skilful questioner or by care-
ful self-questioning. It is only that most people are reluctant to
admit the existence of such a life plan and prefer to demon-
strate their independence by playing games - games that are
themselves dictated by their scripts.

C. TYPES OF SCRIPTS

Scripts are designed to last a lifetime. They are based on firm

childhood decisions and parental programming that is contin-
ually reinforced. The reinforcement may take the form of
daily contact, as with men who work for their fathers or
women who telephone their mothers every morning to gossip,
or it may be applied less frequently and more subtly, but just as
powerfully, through occasional correspondence. After the par-
ents die, their instructions may be remembered more vividly
than ever.
In script language, a loser is called a frog' and a winner is
called a prince or a princess. Parents want their children to be
Sexual Games 149
either wmners or losers. They may want them to be 'happy' in
the role they have chosen for them, but do not want them to be
transformed except in special cases. A mother who is raising a
frog may want her daughter to be a happy frog, but will put
down any attempts of the girl to become a princess ('Who do
you think you are?'), because mother herself was programmed
to raise her as a frog. A father who is raising a prince wants
his son to be happy, but often he would rather see him un-
happy than transformed into a frog ('We've given you the best
of everything').
A winner is defined as a person who fulfils his contract with
the world and with himself. That is, he sets out to do some-
thing, say~ that he is committed to doing it, and in the long
run does it. His contract, or ambition, may be to have four
children, become the president of a corporation, pole vault 17
ft, publish a good novel, make an artificial gene, or shoot down
ten enemy bombers. If he accomplishes his goal, he is a winner.
If he has no children, stays in the warehouse, sprains his back
at 16 ft, stays with the newspaper, ends up with a lump of
gristle, or gets shot down on his first mission, he is clearly a
loser. If he has three children, becomes a vice president, hits 16
ft 11 in., publishes a mystery story, discovers a new amino
acid, or shoots down nine bombers, he is an at-leaster - not a
loser but a non-winner. The important thing is that he sets the
goal himself, usually on the basis of Parental programming, but
with his Adult making the final commitment. Note that the
man who goes for two children, 16 ft, five bombers, etc., and
makes it is still a winner, while the one who goes for four and
only makes three, or goes for 17 ft and only makes 16 ft 11 in.,
or goes for ten and only makes nine, is a non-winner, even
though he outdoes the winner whose goals are lower. On a
short-term basis, a winner is one who becomes captain of the
team, dates the Queen of the May, or wins at poker. A non-
winner never gets near the ball, dates the runner-up, or comes
out even. A loser doesn't make the team, doesn't get a date, or
comes out broke.
And note that the captain of the second team is on the same
150 Sex and People
level as the captain of the first team, since each person is en-
titled to choose his own league and should be judged by the
standards which he himself sets up. As an extreme example,
'living on less money than anyone else on the street without
getting sick' is a league. Whoever does it is a winner. One who
tries it and gets sick is a loser. The typical, classical, loser is the
man who makes himself suffer sickness or damage for no good
cause. If he has a good cause, then he may become a successful
martyr, which is the best way to win by losing.
The first thing to be decided about a script is whether it is a
winning one or a losing one. This can often be discovered very
quickly by listening to the person talk. A winner says things
like: 'I made a mistake, but it won't happen again' or 'Now I
know the right way to do it.' A loser says, 'If only ... ' or 'I
should've .. .' and 'Yes, but .. .' As for non-winners, they are
people whose scripts require them to work very hard, not in
hope of winning but just to stay even. These are 'at-leasters',
people who say, 'Well, at least I didn't .. .' or 'At least, I have
this much to be thankful for.' Non-winners make excellent
members, employees, and serfs, since they are loyal, hard-
working, and grateful, and not inclined to cause trouble. Soci-
ally they are pleasant people, and in the community, admir-
able. Winners make trouble for the rest of the world only in-
directly, when they are fighting among themselves and involve
innocent by-standers, sometimes by the million. Losers cause
the most turbulence, which is unfortunate, because even if they
come out on top they are still losers and drag other people
down with them when the pay-off comes.
The best way to tell a winner from a loser is this: A winner
is a person who knows what he'll do next if he loses, but
doesn't talk about it; a foser is one who doesn' know what
he'll do if he loses, but talks about what he'll do if he wins.
Thus it takes only a few minutes of listening to pick out the
winners and losers at a gambling table or a stockbroker's.
The next item is time structure. Over the life span of the
individual there are several types of scripts as to timing. The
six main classes are the Never, the Always, the Until, the
Sexual Games 151
After, the Over and Over, and the Open End scripts. These are
best understood by reference to Greek myths, since the Greeks
had a strong feeling for such things.
The Never scripts are represented by Tantalus, who through
all eternity was to suffer from hunger and thirst in sight of
food and water, but never to eat or drink again. People with
such scripts are forbidden by their parents to do the things they
most want to, and so spend their lives being tantalized and
surrounded by temptations. They go along with the Parental
curse because the Child in them is afraid of the things they
want the most, so they are really tantalizing themselves.
The Always scripts follow Arachne, who dared to challenge
the Goddess Minerva in needlework, and as a punishment was
turned into a spider and condemned to spend all her time
spinning webs. Such scripts come from spiteful parents who
say: 'If that's what you want to do, then you can just spend
the rest of your life doing it.'
The Until scripts follow the story of Jason, who was told
that he could not become a king until he had performed cert-
ain tasks. In due time he got his reward and lived for ten years
in happiness. Hercules had a similar script: he could not be-
come a god until he had first been a slave for twelve years.
The After scripts ?Orne from Damocles. Damocles was al-
lowed to enjoy the happiness of being a king, until he noticed
that a sword was hanging over his head, suspended by a single
horse hair. The motto of After scripts is 'You can enjoy your-
self for a while,_ but then your troubles begin.' The fear of
impending troubles, of course, makes enjoyment difficult.
These are the people who say, 'If things are too good, some-
thing bad is bound to happen.'
The Over and Over scripts are Sisyphus. He was condemned
to roll a heavy stone up a hill, and just as he was about to
reach the top the stone rolled back and he had to start over
again. This is the classical Almost Made It script, with one 'If
only' after another.
The Open End script is the non-winner or Pie in the Sky
scenario, and follows the story of Philemon and Baucis, who
152 Sex and People
were turned into laurel trees as a reward for their good deeds.
Old people who have carried out their Parental instructions
don't know what to do next after it is all over, and spend the
rest of their lives like vegetables, or gossiping like leaves rust-
ling in the wind. This is the fate of many a mother whose
children have grown up and scattered, and of men who have
put in their thirty years of work according to company regula-
tions and their parents' instructions, and now live alone on
pensions in obscure hotels and rooming houses. 'Senior citizen'
communities are filled with couples who have completed their
scripts and don't know how to structure their time while wait-
ing for the Promised Land where people who have treated
their employees decently can drive their big black cars slowly
down the right-hand lane without being honked at by a bunch
of ill-bred teenagers in their hot rods. 'Was pretty feisty myself
as a teenager,' says Dad, 'but nowadays.' And Mom adds:
'You wouldn't believe what they. And we've always paid
our.'
All of these script types have their sexual aspects. The Never
scripts may forbid either love or sex or both. If they forbid love
but not sex, they are a licence for promiscuity, a licence which
some sailors and soldiers and wanderers take full advantage of,
and which prostitutes and courtesans use to make a living. If
they forbid sex but not love, they produce priests, monks, nuns,
and people who do good deeds such as raising prphan chil-
dren. The promiscuous people are tantalized by the sight of
devoted lovers and happy families, while the scripty philan-
thropists are tormented by a desire to jump over the wall.
The Always scripts are typified by young people who are
driven out of their homes for the sins that their parents have
prompted them to. 'If you're pregnant, go earn your living on
the streets' and 'If you want to take drugs, you're on your
own' are examples of these. The father who turned his
daughter out into the storm may have had lecherous thoughts
about her since she was ten, and the one who threw his son out
of the house for smoking pot may get drunk that night to ease
his pain.
Sexual Games 153
The parental programming in Until scripts is the loudest of
all, since it usually consists of outright commands : 'You can't
have sex until you're married, and you can't get married as
long as you have to take care of your mother (or until you
finish college).' The parental influence in After scripts is al-
most as outspoken, and the hanging sword gleams with visible
threats: 'After you get married and have children, your
troubles will begin.' Translated into action now, this means
'Gather ye rosebuds while ye may, Old Time is still a-flying,
And this same flower that smiles today, Tomorrow will be
stultifying.'5 After marriage it shortens to 'Once you have
children your troubles will begin', so the young wife spends her
days worrying about getting pregnant right from the first day
of the honeymoon. But now chemists have provided a stout
shield against the bilbo which would otherwise be her undoing,
and so she can be queen of the household without having her
happiness suspended by an heir until she is ready for one.
The Over and Over scripts produce always a bridesmaid and
never a bride, as well as others who try hard again and again
but never quite succeed in making it. The Open End scripts
end with ageing men and women who lose their vitality with-
out much regret and are content with reminiscing about past
conquests. Women with such scripts wait eagerly for the
menopause, with the mistaken idea that after that their 'sexual
problems' will be over, while the men wait until they have put
in their time on the job with a similar hope of relief from
sexual obligations.
At the more intimate level, each of these scripts has its own
bearing on the actual orgasm. The Never script, of course,
besides making spinsters and bachelors and prostitutes and
pimps, also makes women who never have an orgasm, not a
single one in their whole lives, and also produces impotent
men who can have orgasms providing there is no love - the
classical situation described by Freud of the man who .is im-
potent with his wife but not with prostitutes. The Always script
produces nymphomaniacs and Don Juans who spend their
lives continually chasing after the promise of a conquest.
154 Sex and People
The Until script favours harried housewives and tired busi-
nessmen, neither of whom can get sexually aroused until every
last detail of the household or the office has been put in order.
Even after they are aroused, they may be interrupted at the
most critical moments by games of Refrigerator Door and
Note Book, little things they have to jump out of bed to take
care of right now, such as checking the refrigerator door to
make sure it is closed or jotting down a few things that have to
be done first thing in the morning at the office. After scripts
interfere with sex because of apprehension. Fear of pregnancy,
for example, keeps the woman from having an enjoyable org-
asm and may cause the man to have his too quickly. Coitus
interruptus, where the man withdraws just before he comes, as
a method of birth control, keeps both parties in a jumpy state
right from the beginning, and usually leaves the woman stran-
ded high and wet if the couple is too shy to use some way for
her to get her satisfaction. In fact the word satisfaction, which
is usually used in discussing this particular problem, is a give-
away that something is wrong, since a good orgasm should be
far more substantial than the pale ghost that is called satis-
faction.
The Over and Over script is one that will ring a bell for
many women losers, who get higher and higher during inter-
course, until just as they are about to make it, the man comes,
possibly with the woman's help, and she rolls all tpe way down
again. This may happen night after night for years. The Open
End script has its effect in older people who regard sex as an
effort or an obligation. Once over the hill, they are 'too old' to
have sex, and their glands wither away from disuse along with
their skins and often their muscles and brains as well. The man
strongly programmed for punctuality has spent all his life
waiting for Santa Claus to bring him his retirement pin - late
to work only twice in the whole thirty years - while his wife
has been waiting for Mrs Santa Cfaus, whose maiden name
was Minnie Menopause. And now they have nothing to do but
fill in the time until their pipes rust away, taking their places in
senior society according to what brand of car they drive, if
Sexual Games 155
any. If they are lucky, he may find a bleached divorcee at the
trailer court who will give his plumbing a last fling, and as a
result he may plumb his wife a few times in the afterglow, and
after that, they've had it. The moral of this is that a script
should not have a time limit on it, but should be designed to
last a whole lifetime, no matter how long that lifetime may
be. It may call for switching trades or sports, but retirement,
no.
We have already seen that the sexual potency, force, and
drive of a human being are to some extent determined by his
inheritance and his chemistry. Inctedible as it may seem, they
are even more strongly influenced by the script decisions he
makes in .early childhood and by the parental programming
that brings about those decisions. Thus not only the authority
and frequency of his sexual activities throughout his whole
lifetime, but also his ability and readiness to love are to a large
extent already decided at the age of six. This seems to apply
even more strongly to women. Some of them decide very early
that they want to be mothers when they grow up, while others
resolve at the same period to remain virgins or virgin brides
forever. In any case, sexual activity in both sexes is continually
interfered with by parental opinions, adult precautions, child-
hood decisions, and social pressures and fears, so that natural
urges and cycles are suppressed, exaggerated, distorted, disre-
garded, or contaminated. The result is that whatever is called
'sex' becomes the instrument of gamy behaviour.

d. NATURE'S TRICKS

In fact most human relationships (at least 51 per cent) are

based on trickery and subterfuges, some lively and amusing,
and others vicious and sinister. It is only a fortunate few, such
as mothers and infants, or true friends and lovers, who are
completely straight with each other. Lest you think that I am
cynically distorting the situation, let me give you some ex-
156 Sex and People
amples of how Nature herself, through the process of evolu-
tion, has set up some gamy transactions. Some of these appear
so cynical from the human point of view that it is hard to
decide whether to laugh at them as practical jokes or weep
over them as tragedies. 6 Yet their final outcome is to ensure
the survival of the species. Indeed, human psychological games
have a strong survival value also, else their players would soon
have become extinct. It does not diminish that value, either for
animals or for human beings, to see them as tricks and japes,
nor does it increase the value to take them very seriously, as
though to say, as some have said: 'I am more solemn and
indignant, and therefore more righteous than thou.'
The simplest example of a biological trick is found in the
barnyard hen. Sentimentally regarded, her story is this. After
laying her eggs, she sits on them with single-minded devotion.
From time to time, with the foresight of a trained midwife, she
turns them over so that the nurturing heat of her body will
reach all parts of the calcified wombs wherein her brood is
growing. Eventually, as a result of her constancy and care,
they hatch into healthy chicks. In this way she offers the
human race a sterling example of intelligent and resolute
motherhood.
What actually happens is this. Due to certain glandular in-
fluences, after she has laid a clutch of eggs, her bosom gets
overheated. Driven by discomfort, she looks around for some
congenial object to cool her ardent breast. She sits on the eggs
because they feel cool. But after a while, she begins to warm
them up, so she turns them until the cool underside is upper-
most, and then gratefully accepts the relief they offer once
again. 7 After she has repeated this enough times, the eggs
hatch and she finds herself, much to her surprise, faced with a
brood of chicks. In effect, she has been tricked into sitting on
the eggs, but it works just as well as though she knew what she
was doing. In the same way, people who play sex games can be
presented with babies who are just as bouncing as those whose
parents plan them. It is a comforting illusion to think that the
gland-driven hen knows why she is sitting on the eggs, and it is
Sexual Games 157
comforting to script-driven people to think that they know
why they do things, too. In one case the script (and the decep-
tions that go with it) is supplied by the genes, in the other by
Parental instructions.
Even more wondrous in its innocence is the behaviour of a
species of male stickleback. Sticklebacks are to fatherhood
what hens are to motherhood. The male stickleback is just as
devoted to his offspring as the mother hen is to hers. His first
job, immediately after copulation, is to grab the fertilized eggs
in his mouth, because if mother gets to them before he does,
she will simply swallow them like caviare. But gentle father
places them in a grassy nest of his own construction. Once he
has done that, he is afflicted with a kind of glandular lockjaw,
which prevents him from opening his mouth again. He stands
guard over the eggs until they hatch, swimming round and
round the nest until the fry come out. He continues to protect
them until they are old enough to strike out for themselves and
venture forth into the seas. During all this time he goes hungry
until his jaw loosens up again. This example of fatherly devo-
tion, standing guard over his clutch while slowly starving, has
not escaped the notice of our moralists. But the actual situa-
tion is probably different. As he gets hungrier and hungrier, the
eggs in the nest look more and more appetizing. He stays
around them, and also around the small fry when they first
hatch, in the hope of making a meal of them, which he is
prevented from doing by his locked jaws. So he stands guard
over the nest, which has now become a food locker, waiting
for his mouth to loosen up. Eventually it does loosen up -
right after the newborn babies have swum away. In this case,
what looks like fatherly devotion is really frustrated cannibal-
ism.8
This particular stickleback comes closer to playing Tantalus
than anyone else in real life except a hungry human. But hun-
gry humans are the victims of mere human history, which they
themselves can and have changed, while the stickleback is the
helpless and unwitting butt of a more cosmic force which he
can do nothing about. He is one of the Charlie Chaplins of
158 Sex and People
evolution, funny and sad at the same time as he waits for his
portion, only to have it vanish as he reaches out to grasp.
We should note that both the hen and the stickleback have
been had. For the hen, the bait is a cool object that promises to
soothe her heated breast. That promise is kept, but where did
the chicks appear from so suddenly? 'Now they tell me!' says
the brooding fowl, but she does not learn from this experience
and goes through it again and again. For the hungry stickle-
back, the bait is a promise of food, and that promise is not
kept. Where did the fry disappear to just as his mouth broke
free? The disappointed daddy can only exclaim, 'Why does
this always happen to me?'
Higher up on the evolutionary scale, not too far from the
human race, is another of Nature's jokes, this one set up partly
by biology and glands, and partly by the players' own choosing.
It is a musical comedy put on by seals at breeding season. First
come the bulls, who congregate on their favourite rock or piece
of shoreline. They stake out their claims with noisy huff and
bluff or bloody battles, and the strongest gets the best piece of
territory. A month later, the girls drift in - 'cows', they are
called, which does little justice to their fluency and grace. Each
cow makes her choice of a daddy seal or is forced into his
harem. Unfortunately the result is that some of the strong and
brave and handsome bulls get more than their fair share, and
new fights break out as some of the stags try t\;> kidnap a
mermaid or two for themselves. In the end the weaker bulls are
repulsed and have to live as loveless bachelors.
The interesting thing is that the cows are all pregnant from
the previous year, and they spend a month or two at the breed-
ing ground watching the fights before they deliver. Soon after
they have given birth, they take their babies into the water to
teach them how to swim. While they are out there, the winning
bulls have to stay home to guard their households and terri-
tories. But the bachelors don't have any territories to guard, so
they just swim out and join the ladies who are running the
nursery school. 9 In this way, in the long run, the bachelors
have their fun while the old bulls have to stay home and take
Sexual Games 159
care of their real-estate interests. So that's the way it is with
seals, and many a human novel has been written on less
material than that.
The great apes must have read some classics, too. The orang-
utans come right out of the Kama Sutra and have their sex
lives hanging from trees. They can think of more acrobatic
positions than a whole regiment of Hindu philosophers.
Baboons are more romantic - a cross between seals and some-
thing out of Flaubert and Stendhal. Big daddy has the harem,
leaving large numbers of young bucks without any chicks.
These bachelors lurk on the outskirts of the seraglio, and when
big daddy looks the other way, some Pappyo makes a pass at
one of his concubines. She is perfectly willing to accommodate
Paps, and if big daddy doesn't get wind of this, then nature
takes its course and the lovers part in friendly cheer. But if dad
comes to and catches them at it, the lady pulls a quick double
cross. She splits and throws herself on the ground, making
indignant noises and pointing at her Romeo - in effect scream-
ing, 'This big ape committed rape! ' So big daddy says, 'He did,
did he?' and runs after the boy friend, who leads him a merry
chase around the dell. This leaves the harem wide open, in-
cluding the girl who started the game of Rapo, at which point
the other bachelors, who have been watching and waiting in
their lurks, close in and make out with whichever females are
handy and willing. 10
The biological effect of these harem scenes among the seals
and baboons is to spread the genes. That makes for variety in
evolution and thus serves a useful purpose. If each bull hung
on to all his chicks like a rooster and nobody else got in, there
would be a straight line of inbreeding and both species might
go the way of the dinosaurs. But distributing the goodies by
these merry bachelor pranks gives cross-breeding and variation.
In fact the human race probably originated just because our
simian ancestors played Rapo and Let's Make Hay While the
Old Man Is on a Rampage, so we shouldn't put down these
monkeyshines, because if they weren't there, we mightn't be
here either.
160 Sex and People
Now, all this is probably not amusing to a big daddy baboon,
or to a person who thinks baboons should have better morals,
or maybe even wear muumuus,11 but there is really no ad-
vantage in the rest of us treating it solemnly or indignantly. As
a matter of fact, solemnity and indignation are what cause
wars, and if everybody started laughing they would soon stop
shooting at each other. In fact, this is a well-established prin-
ciple of chemical warfare. Each side knows that whoever can
drug the other side into laughing will win the war. If the laugh-
ing side retaliates, the whole war will come to a stop, which
from a military point of view is even worse than one side
winning.* So someone who is more solemn and indignant than
thou may be more righteous than thou, but he is also going to
make more trouble than thou. The fact is that if the seals and
baboons burst out laughing at their owrr gamy antics, the
games would be broken up and things would settle down to a
more equitable and peaceful way of life, where nobody got
insulted or hurt. But until they do start laughing, the games
will continue, and it is the same with human beings.

e. WHAT IS A GAME?

Human beings are, after all, just parlayed jellyfish, and many
of their 'voluntary' actions and responses are no ,more the re-
sult of free will than are those of the lowly animal from which
they have ascended. In the lower orders, such as sticklebacks,
'nature's games' are automatic responses programmed almost
entirely by genes. As we go up the scale to seals and baboons,
they are learned more and more by imitation and experience.
Human psychological or transactional games are programmed
to a large degree by the parents, but this programming is just as
decisive as the automatic gene programming of the hen. Man
is the freest of all animals, but the life script and the. games
that go with it still make him the victim of a mighty joke
•I believe this statement is historically defensible: that from a military
or at least militant point of view, stopping a war is worse than losing.
Sexual Games 161
played by the ineluctable forces of evolution. Despite our
aspirations and our illusion of awareness, we are not much
better off than a poet marching with upturned gaze and out-
stretched arms towards a rainbow, and slipping on an unseen
banana peel or worse beneath his feet.
Let us now analyse the 'Hen Game' and the 'Stickleback
Game'. In each case there is a bait that looks to the player like
one thing but is really 'intended' for something else. The eggs
are there to incubate chickens, but the hen is conned into sit-
ting on them because they are cool. They hook right into what
is bothering her, which is a feverish breast. Just as she cools
off, nature pulls a switch, and the pay-off is a brood of chicks.
In the case 9f the stickleback, he is conned into staying there
because the eggs and the fry need protection, but to him they
look like caviare. This hooks into his need of the moment,
which is hunger. Again nature pulls a switch, and just as his
mouth loosens up, his lunch swims away, leaving him with
disappointment for his pay-off.
In the 'Seal Game' the pasha's weakness is territory. The
cow, rather than being grateful to him for guarding the ranch,
has an affair at nursery school instead. In the 'Baboon Game'
the pasha's weakness is jealousy. The female plays into that,
and then pulls a switch by doing the very thing he is trying to
prevent.
Already a pattern for games emerges. There is a bait that has
a handy attraction but really serves some other purpose. The
bait hooks into a weakness, but after the victim responds there
is a switch. The 'real purpose' comes into the open and springs
a surprise for the ending. For the hen, the fish, and the ape,
Nature's joke follows the plan precisely; with the seal it is a
little looser, but all the elements are there. It remained for
human beings to refine this pattern into a way of life, and to
plot out innumerable variations.
In transactional games the bait, which seems like one thing
but is really intended for something else, is called a con. The
weakness or need of the other player, which makes him re-
spond to the con, is called a gimmick. The surprise ending is
162 SexandPeople
called the switch. The formula for all transactional games,
then, is:
Con+ Gimmick= Response-+Switch-+Pay-off
As an example, consider the following set of transactions
between a woman and her doctor, which is very similar to the
game called Rapo.
Judith: Do you think I'll ever get better?
Dr Q: Yes, I think so.
Judith: What makes you think you know everything?
It is clear that Judith's question was phoney, and Dr Q has
been conned. In order to understand more clearly what really
happened, we (:an translate it into game language, which is
called Martian.
Judith (speaking as a helpless little Child): Help me, 0
Great One.
Dr Q (speaking as a powerful Parent): I, powerful one, can
help you.
Judith (speaking as a smart-aleck Child): Come off it,
Buster.
This Martian translation shows that the con is 'Help me, 0
Great One.' Judith is apparently flattering the doctor and ask-
ing for help, but she really intends something else. Her con
hooks into the doctor's gimmick, which is his humble feeling
of power. He responds accordingly, whereupon ,.Judith pulls
the switch, and they both get their pay-offs. Judith feels smart,
which she enjoys, and the unwary doctor feels depressed,
which he enjoys for reasons of his own. So Con+Gimmick=
Response-+Switch-+Pay-off. The nature of the payoff also
makes it clear that Judith is playing Buzz Off, Buster, and the
doctor is playing the complementary game of I'm Only Trying
to Help You (ITHY). 12 Judith has led him into a trap, so that
instead of being thanked for his good intentions, he is put
down, which is the standard pay-off in the game of ITHY.
Before going further, let us consider what is a 'not game'. It
is easier to understand what is a cat if we also understand what
is not a cat. Some people think that any set of transactions
Sexual Games 163
which is repeated over and over is a game, but this is not so.
There are many such sets which are not games, no matter how
often they are repeated, because they will not fit into the for-
mula. Take the following example:
Patient: Do you think I'll ever get better?
Therapist : Yes, I think so.
Patient:.. Thank you, it's good to hear that again today.
This is a set of straight transactions, with no con and no
switch. The woman's question is exactly what it appears to be,
and no matter how often she asks for reassurance, it is not a
game, as long as there is no con and no switch.
Every game is a little drama, and Dr Stephen Karpman has
devised a very simple way to show this (Figure 13). It is called
the Drama or Karpman Triangle. 13 It shows how the game

Rescuer Persecutor

Victim

The Drama Triangle

Figure 13

Copyright© 1968
by Transactional Analysis Bulletin
and S. Karpman Reproduced by permission
:>ta. eJn61:1
lfOl!MS IU8!18d 811.1

eta. eJn61:1 VH eJn61:1

'IOl!MS uooqee a11.1 lfOl!MS >t:>eq&l>tO!IS 911.1
Sexual Games 165
switches each of the players from one role into another, which
is the essence of drama in real life as in the theatre. It is based
on the game of Alcoholic, where the three main roles, victim,
persecutor, and rescuer, are most clearly played out. The 'vic-
tim of alcoholism' is persecuted by 'bad' people, but there are
'good' people who try to rescue him. The Alcoholic keeps the
initiative at all times, since he can turn his nagging, persecut-
ing wife into a victim by beating up on her, or he can start to
defy his rescuers, thus turning them into persecutors. The tri-
angles in Figure 14 show the switches (a) between the stickle-
back and his offspring (b) between the big daddy baboon and his
errant wife and (c) between Judith and Dr Q.
In Figure 14A, the stickleback starts out as a hungry canni-
balistic protector or rescuer with his small fry as the potential
victims. After the switch, they 'persecute' him by swimming
off, leaving him a hungry victim of their prank.
In Figure 14B, the pasha baboon starts off as the rescuer of
his 'persecuted' wife, and ends up as the victim of her duplic-
ity.
Figure 14C translates into Martian as follows:
Judith (speaking as a victim of emotional troubles): Rescue
me.
Dr Q (speaking as a rescuer): I'll rescue you.
Judith (switching into the role of a persecutor): Wise
guy!
Judith now has the upper hand. She switches from victim
into persecutor, and he is switched from being a rescuer into
being a victim. She does to him just about what her namesake
did to Holofernes 2,500 years ago: cuts his head off, figurat-
ively at least.

f. SOME SEXUAL GAMES

Sexual games are exercises in sexual attraction, the exploita-

tions of the organs and the orgasm described in Chapter 3. If
we call the two gameplayers Green and Brown, then Green's
166 Sex and People
con is either coming on strong by being seductive or forward,
or else playing hard to get. Brown's gimmick or weakness is
sexual desire or a need for power over people. The pay-off may
be either wet or dry. In wet games, the pay-off is orgasm (fin-
ally), preceded by a lot of insincerity and followed by a lot of
mixed feelings on both sides. In dry games, Green's pay-off is a
feeling of victory, and Brown's is frustration and the reactions
to that.*
Nearly all two-handed games are variations of this game of
Rapo, and most three-handed ones resemble Let's Make
Mother Sorry.
Rapo is played most often by women. It follows the formula
C+G=R--+S--+P. The Con, C, is a seductive attitude, and the
Gimmick, G, is a desire for sex or power. The woman's Con
hooks into the man's Gimmick, and he gives the Response, R,
which is to come on strong. The woman then pulls the Switch,
S, by saying 'Yes, but,' and after that they both get their Pay-
offs, P.
Rapo, like all games, is played in three degrees of hardness,
each with its own type of Switch and Pay-off. First-degree
Rapo is a dry game, Flirtation, in which the Switch is 'Yes, but
we both know that's as far as it goes - for now, at least.' The
Pay-off is mutual good feelings, and possibly hope on on~ or
both sides.
Second-degree Rapo is called Buzz Off, Buster. The Switch
is 'Yes, but I'm not that kind of a girl even though I led you
on.' The Pay-off for the woman is to gratify her spite, and for
the man it is to feel rejected and depressed. In this case the
man is playing the complementary game of Kick Me. It is
usually a dry game, but in the wet game the man pays for his
fun by getting kicked harder.
Third-degree Rapo is a false cry of Rape. The Switch is
'Yes, but I'm going to call it rape anyway.' The woman's Pay-
off is justification as well as spite, and the man has his whole
life and career on the line waiting to be kicked. It may be
•As it was said in Don Quixote, 'She may guess what I would perform
in the wet, if I do so much in the dry.'
Sexual Games 167
played either dry or wet, depending on how mean or sexy the
woman is.
The pay-offs in any game are not only enjoyed or suffered at
the moment but are filed away for future use, very much like
grocery-store trading stamps. In this manner of speaking,
every script has attached to it a trading-stamp book, and the
script cannot be cashed in until the book is filled. For example,
here is how it works in Second-degree Rapo.
The 'existential' object of this game is to prove that men are
no good. What the woman is really saying is 'Buzz off, Buster
(You're just like the rest of them - no good).' Her Pay-off
comes not only from seeing the man's discomfort but also
from the fact that she can add the picture of another Nogood-
nick to her' collection. When her stamp book is full of such
pictures, she can cash it in for a 'Script Pay-off'. This may be a
free suicide, a free homicide, or a licence to be an alcoholic or
a Lesbian - whatever her script calls for. The man, similarly,
who is playing Kick Me, can add another Hurt to his book of
Hurts. When he fills the book, he can cash it in for his Script
Pay-off. This may, for example, be suicide, in accordance with
his mother's instructions : 'I love you, but some day you'll
come to a bad end,' which means in effect: 'I love you, but
drop dead.'
More friendly games of Rapo may be played as See What
You Made Me Do ('You made me lose my virginity', 'You
made me get pregnant', 'I didn't want to, but you raped me').
These are useful in courtship or marriage for getting addi-
tional leverage over the man. Another form is Toy Gun, which
is played by people who act grown-up but are really precocious
children. Some of the slogans in this game are: 'I can't really
go through with it', 'I didn't really mean it', 'I wasn't really
ready', and 'You shouldn't have taken advantage of me'. Toy
Gun is diagnosed when the player says 'not really', which
means it wasn't a real gun, or uses the subjunctive, as in 'You
shouldn't have', which means 'You should have known it
wasn't real'. The original, non-sexual form of Toy Gun is
played by amateur or crooked hold-up men if they are cap-
168 Sex and People
tured. When they are confronted with the crime, they reply :
'I'm not in the wrong, you're in the wrong for being stupid
enough to think it was a real gun.' This is a classical triangle
switch: 'I may look like the armed persecutor and you the
victim, but it's really quite the opposite; I'm the victim of your
stupidity.' One of the greatest examples of sexual Toy Gun in
literature is Thomas Hardy's Jude the Obscure, where the hero
said, 'I didn't really mean it,' but the girl cried, 'Rapo ! ' so he
couldn't get away.
Rapo can also be played by men, with slogans such as : 'You
took me away from my work', 'You've worn me out', 'I only
did it because I was drunk', and 'Why didn't you tell me you
forgot to take your pill?'
All the above are 'Yes But' games, since each of the slogans
really contains a Yes But, whether it is said aloud or not.
There are also 'If Only' types of Rapo. Yes But games are
played by tightening up. There is either a refusal beforehand,
an interruption during, or an argument afterwards, in each
case with the implication that the woman (or man) player is or
was being unfairly seduced or raped and is uptight about it,
- which is usually literally true as far as the body muscles are
concerned. If Only games are played by hanging loose, with
the slogan 'If rape is inevitable, you might as well let it happen,
or even enjoy it.' The player still reserves the right to refuse,
interrupt, or reproach, but in this case passively instead of
actively. Thus Yes But games tend to be belligerent and argu-
mentative, while If Onlys are merely wistful, whiny, or re-
proachful. Yes But Rapo says, 'It's got to be different!' and in
the extreme case ends with an abortion, while If Only says, 'I
wish it could be different', and ends in a whimper. ('If only you
were more considerate [or careful] I wouldn't be pregnant.')
Yes But uses what in grammar are called the declarative or
imperative moods, while If Only uses the subjunctive. On the
West Coast, expressions like 'Not really', 'I (you) shouldn't,
wouldn't, couldn't', 'If only', and 'I may look like the perse-
cutor but I'm really the victim', are called the 'Berkeley Sub-
junctive' by some. But there are people everywhere whose
Sexual Games 169
games are based on such end runs around reality, and they can
often be picked out at social gatherings.
Refrigerator Door and Note Book, the games of interrupted
intercourse, can be played either Yes But or If Only. 'Yes but I
have to interrupt this rape to check the refrigerator, gas stove,
dryer', or 'If only my notes were finished, I could rape you
with a clear conscience.' Telephone Call is a passive form.
'There goes the telephone, thank God. Now I can interrupt
this rape to answer it.' Telephone Call may also be either Yes
But or If Only. 'Yes but there goes the telephone', or 'If only
mother would call right now.' (He: 'How come your mother
invariably knows the exact time to call?' She: 'How come you
invariably ,start something at the time my mother usually
calls?')
Games are played by people who are afraid of intimacy,
either in general or with each other. They are a way of getting
close to others and having meaningful transactions without the
surrender that intimacy requires. Thus sexual games may be
either a barrier against love or a step on the way to it - a sort
of testing arena. With people who have abandoned hope of
loving or being loved, they may become ends in themselves, for
whatever advantages can be wrung out of them. These ad-
vantages will be discussed in the next section.
Third Degree Rapo is played for the most part by such hope-
less people. It is really a three-handed game in which the object
is to make the man sorry by telling a third party: mother,
father, lawyer, doctor, or police. It is the opposite of actual
rape, which is meant to make the woman sorry, especially if
she enjoys it in spite of herself - the most dreaded possibility.
But the criminal rapist may not care much about the woman;
she is just for fun, and once that is over, he is more interested
in the chase and the game of Cops and Robbers. If she doesn't
report him, he may send an anonymous letter or make an
anonymous phone call to the police to stir them up and start
the hunt. In extreme cases, he may even write a book about it,
which is the best fun of all: playing Cops and Robbers with
critics and philosophers, and raping their virgin minds. How to
170 Sex and People
Rape for Principle and Profit will even outsell the Marquis de
Sade when it comes on the market, because he was too proud
to go commercial and hasn't even made it into the high-school
libraries yet.
One of the most interesting forms of Rape is called Sorry
About That. It is also one of the most tragic, since it involves
several people, often including broods of children. Here Right
says to Left: 'If you get a divorce, I'll marry you.' So Left gets
a divorce. Then Right says, 'Sorry, I've changed my mind,'
leaving Left stranded with no spouse and no lover. The con-
verse is Not Ready Yet: typically, 'After the children are
grown up I'll get a divorce. Meanwhile let's go ahead.' Actu-
ally, both Sorry About That and Not Ready Yet are three- or
four-handed games, since the spouses of the players know very
well what is going on. Here is an example.
Mr Right, who was divorced, told Mrs Left that he would
marry her if she got a divorce. She did, and then he said Sorry
About That, and soon after remarried his former wife. Mean-
while Mr Left was free to marry his girl friend of many years'
standing, which he did. Mrs Left, who didn't really like men
anyway, was thus left free to lead her own life. But all four
parties exploited the situation as much as they could : Mr Left
and his former wife with great lamentations about being
wronged by each other and by Mr Right, and Mr and Mrs
Right with great apologies, embarrassments, and guilt feeling
concealing their pleasure at the fast one they pulled on the
Lefts. (Thus the Rights were playing a variant of FOOJY -
Let's Pull a Fast One on Joey, Joey in this case being Mr
Left)
The spouses also come through, as reliable spouses do, in
Not Ready Yet. Mr White promised to get a divorce and
marry Mrs Black as soon as his children were grown. She said
she was ready to divorce her husband any time White gave the
word. But when their last child left for college, Mrs White
came down with arthritis. Then of course Mr White could not
leave her, so the affair with Mrs Black continued on the old
basis. Mrs White knew which side her bread was buttered on.
Sexual Games 171
Eventually, however, she was killed in an automobile accident.
Then Mr White was ready to take advantage of his bargain
with Mrs Black. But the very next week, Mr Black went for his
first physical examination in five years and discovered that he
had diabetes. So Mrs Black could not conscientiously divorce
him. She stayed with him and broke off the affair with White.
There is a grim and tragic humour about such games, with
their almost unbelievable 'coincidences', but as we have already
seen, Nature herself has a sense of humour and sets up Hen
·Games, Stickleback Games, Seal Games, Baboon Games, and
many more that are equally unbelievable in their exquisite de-
sign.
As we sai'1 at the beginning of this section, three-handed sex
games usually follow the pattern of Let's Make Mother Sorry,
which is described in its most gruesome form in de Sade's
Philosophy in a Bedroom. There everyone gangs up on the
unfortunate mother who values her daughter's virginity. The
dissolute band first initiates the daughter into all the possible
combinations of persons and orifices, so that her previously
treasured virginity becomes a mere trinket in their frenzied
orgy. The father then gives them permission to humiliate and
torture the mother as they choose, which they proceed to do,
with the daughter taking a principal part and disregarding her
mother's shrieks and pleadings. And throughout they make it
very clear to her why she must suffer: it is because she has
tried to prevent her daughter from enjoying sex, and they
are .making sure that she will never again interfere with the
girl's pleasure, and will be sorry beyond belief that she ever
did.
In its more commonplace form, the daughter makes mother
sorry by becoming promiscuous or getting pregnant, causing a
neighbourhood scandal and perhaps ending up in Juvenile
Court. The boy serves merely as an instrument, and the girl may
never see him again once she has done the job on mother. If
she cannot swing it on her own, the daughter may bring
another party, called the Connection, into the game. He may
simply pimp for her, or he may also get her hooked on drugs
172 Sex and People
to make. matters worse. Variations with increasing age are
Let's Make Boyfriend (or Girlfriend) Sorry, Let's Make Hus-
band (or Wife) Sorry, or Let's Make Ageing Acres Sorry.
Nowadays one of the most popular versions is Let's Make
Welfare Department Sorry. Since Welfare Departments are
usually against sex, and also (I am reliably informed) against
bubble gum, this is played by having lots of sex and many
illegitimate children to be supported by State Funds; and spice
can be added by chewing lots of bubble gum while all that is
going on.
Making Someone Sorry (MSS) will only work if the Patsy,
the one who is going to be sorry, is a person or organization
that functions in a Parental ego state and plays I'm Only Try-
ing to Help You, or at least After All I've Done for You.
Then, the harder the MSS (or MS) players play, the madder
the Patsy gets, which is just what the MS players want. The
Patsy, like most people in a Parental ego state, works under
the illusfon that the madder he gets, the more likely he is to
break up the game, when exactly the opposite is usually true.
The angrier he gets, the more fun it is for the MS players. If
the Patsy gets angry enough, they may even feel entitled to
shift into the third-degree game and call in a lawyer, which is
more fun than a barrel of monkeys. Once the game gets legal-
ized, however, much of the fun goes out of it, and the players
settle down into dreary domesticity.
For those who are unable for various reasons to find other
players, any of these games may be played as solitaire in the
form of skull games or fantasies.
There are many three-handed games in which the third
player remains under cover, so that the victim thinks he is in a
two-handed game. Prostitution is often of this nature, where
the man believes he is dealing with the woman, whereas the
show is really being run by the pimp behind the scenes, who
has taught the woman the rules and sees that she enforces
them. How Was It is a similar game in which the husband is
the hidden player. He sends his wife out to pick up a man and
have intercourse with him on condition that she tell him all the
Sexual Games 173
details afterwards for his edification and entertainment. In its
most repulsive form, she is instructed to find a virgin. In That
Was a Good One, the husband may actually watch from a
place of concealment. Sometimes this is reversed, and it is the
wife who sends her husband out or panders for him with her
girl friends or by picking up a girl in a restaurant. In the third
degree of these games, the hidden player suddenly appears on
the scene. If he is a professional, he takes the Patsy's money by
force or armed robbery, or in the guise of the Angry Husband,
blackmails him. That is called the Badger Game. It is also
played with homosexuals, when the third player may take the
part of a Corrupt Cop. In the domestic form, too, there are
many opportunities for surprises if the hidden spouse decides
to pull a switch. Then the gal}1e may end in murder, suicide,
lawsuit, or divorce.
In Who Needs You? the wife takes a lover to make her
husband jealous, or vice versa. Sometimes none of the three
knows that that is the real reason, and sometimes all of them
do, and the neighbours as well. Or the spouses may know and
the lover may not, in which case he is the Patsy; but few lovers
are that stupid. In Steal One, Mr Right has an affair with Mrs
Left not to get back at his wife, but to make Mr Left sorry;
while Mrs Left takes on Right not to get back at her husband,
but to make Mrs Right sorry. On the other hand, this may be a
competitive game rather than a spiteful one, in which case it is
called I Can Do Better Than the Other Guy, Didn't I? These
three games - Who Needs You, Steal One, and I Can Do
Better - make great combinations for plays, operas, novels,
and short stories, especially since each of the players has it in
his power to play counter-games if he wants to.
The Sandwich is a straight three-handed operation, not a
game. Everybody is supposed to feel good and nobody is sup-
posed to feel sorry. It may be operated with any assortment of
sexes: three men, three women, two men and a woman ('Men-
age a trois'), or two women and a man ('The Tourist Sand-
wich'). A has sex with B, then B with C, then C with A. Thus
each party has sex twice and watches once. It is turned into a
174 Sex and People
swindle in the Potato Sandwich. Here A and B have sex, with
C watching and waiting expectantly for her turn, but her turn
never comes and she is left holding the potato. Such swindles
are very common in children's sex play. In You Show Me
Yours and I'll Show You Mine, played two-handed, A shows
his, but B doesn't show hers, or vice versa. Rat Fink Potato
Sandwich is a three-handed game where C turns the tables. A
shows his and B shows hers, but when C's turn comes she runs
home and tells mother instead. Double Potato is a four-handed
game. Mr Green has sex with Mrs Brown, his wife's best
friend, Mrs Green and Mr Brown would like to have sex too,
but the others arrange it so they can't, and they are left holding
the potatoes.

g. WHY PEOPLE PLAY GAMES

The advantages of playing games are nowhere shown more

clearly than in sexual games.
(1) Straight sex keeps people happy in a straight way. Sexual
games satisfy other needs besides or instead of sex: hate, spite,
anger, fear, guilt, shame, and embarrassment, along with hurt
and inadequacy, and all the other perverse feelings for which
some people have to settle in place of love. By using their
sexuality for bait as well as for pleasure, game players can
satisfy both their hang-ups and their desires and thus keep
themselves reasonably contented - on their way to lonely
Loserville. This is called the internal psychological advantage
of a game : it keeps the pressure down and prevents the person
from flipping out. Sometimes, however, the pressure gets so
great that no amount of such sports can relieve it. De Sade, for
example, kept making his mother sorrier and sorrier, until he
ended in the asylum at Charenton, leaving a trail of poisoned
and beaten girls behind him, much to the admiration of Baude-
laire, Swinburne, Dostoyevsky, Kafka and others who are tout-
ing him even now.
(2) The second advantage, called the external psychological,
Sexual Games 175
is that games avoid confrontations, responsibilities, and com-
mitments, a fact overlooked by de Sade's admirers of the exist-
ential school. Dry games avoid confrontation with the naked
body and the call for action, as well as responsibility for de-
floration, impregnation, stimulation, affection, and other con-
sequences of intercourse. Wet games end in orgasm, or at least
penetration, but because they are games, avoid commitment to
the partner.
(3) While games keep people from getting too close for com-
fort, they do bring the players together and keep them to-
gether, close enough to keep them from being bored with each
other but not close enough to be seriously committed. This
gives them the illusion of being part of the human race, or at
least of heading that way. Actually, games are part of 'until'
programs. They are supposed to be preludes to the real thing,
when the right person will come along. Too often, the right
person is Santa Claus's son Prince Charming, or his daughter
The Snow Maiden, who will never come, or in many cases,
Death, who will. Games are something to do meanwhile, a
way of structuring time while waiting in Destiny's bus station,
and they have the same relation to real living as waiting in a
bus station does to swimming over a tropical reef on a sunny
day. They offer a framework for pseudo-intimate socializing
indoors or in privacy, and this is called their internal social
advantage.
(4) Since games are full of incidents and little dramas, some-
times real and sometimes phoney, they give people something
to gossip about on the outside, and this is called their external
social advantage.
(5) Sexual games satisfy stimulus hunger and recognition
hunger as well as structure hunger. For most people they are
more fun than sitting alone (withdrawal), being polite at cock-
tail parties (rituals), going to work in the morning (activities),
or talking about golf (pastimes). They stir up the metabolism,
stimulate the glands, make the juices flow, and keep the body,
mind, and spirit from slowly shrivelling up. Wet games do this
better than dry games because in wet games odours, skin thrills,
176 Sex and People
infra-red rays, and fluids are exchanged. These invigorating
effects are called the biological advantage of a game.
(6) There is something always interwoven with sex, and that
is Being or Self - the answer to the question 'Who am I?' This,
and the next question, 'What am I doing here?' are existential
questions. The existential advantage of sexual games is that
they go a long way towards answering these two puzzles, al-
though not as far as real intimacy does. They are particularly
useful in answering the third question, which is 'Who are all
those others?'
Every script is based on these three questions, and the Par-
ental programming usually tries to give ready-made answers.
As long as the person follows his script, he will devote himself
to proving that those answers are the right ones for him. In a
winning script, the resume may read: 'You're a prince, you're
here to give yourself to others, and the others are people who
need you.' Through sexual games, the person will try to con-
firm again and again that it really is like that: that he really is
a prince (or at least a Derby winner), that he really can be
generous, and that others (women) really appreciate him. Once
he is satisfied that all those things are true, he may be ready to
settle down to a more intimate relationship where he is not so
concerned with trying to prove something. For a loser the
answers might read: 'You're a no-good whore, you're here to
work your butt off, and the others are bums who will make you
do it.' In such a case the games will be designed to prove that
she really is a whore (even if she struggles against it), that she
has to grind her way through life with her pelvic muscles, and
that all men will take advantage of her whenever possible. As
long as she is in that script, the only intimate she can have is
another whore or a pimp. It's a bum rap, but it works the same
way a good script does.
Games keep people comfortably happy or familiarly miser-
able by proving that the Parental programming gives a true
picture of their existence and the world around them, and sex-
ual games are carefully planned to do that by picking the right
players and setting them up to respond in the required way.
b. THE ILLUSION OF /XUTONOMY

In a previous section I tried to demonstrate that the road to

freedom is through laughter, and until he learns that, man will
be enslaved, either subservient to his masters or fighting to
serve under a new master. The masters know this very well,
and that is why they are masters. The last thing they will allow
is unseemly laughter. In freer countries, every college has its
humour magazine, but there are no such jokes in slave-holding
nations like Nazi Germany or Arabia. Authority cannot be
killed by force, for wherever one head is cut off, another
springs upjn its place. It can only be laughed away, as Sun
Tzu knew when he founded the science of military disci-
pline. a He first demonstrated this to the Emperor by using
girls from the harem, but they giggled when he gave his orders.
He knew that as long as they were laughing, discipline
wouldn't work. So he stopped their laughing by executing two
of them, and after that the rest did as they were told - sol-
emnly and indignantly. Conversely, no comedian has ever been
the head of a state for very long; the people might stand it, but
he couldn't.
Man is born free, but one of the first things he learns is to do
as he is told, and he spends the rest of his life doing that. Thus
his first enslavement is to his parents. He follows their instruc-
tions forevermore, retaining only in some cases 1he right to
choose his own methods and consoling himself with an illusion
of autonomy. If they want to raise him to feel inadequate, they
can start by requiring him to produce square bowel movements
and refusing to be satisfied with anything less. Whatever condi-
tions they impose on him he will spend the rest of his life
trying to meet, and they can let him know from the beginning
that he is not supposed to succeed. In that way he will end up
with a good collection of inadequacies to cash in according to
their instructions. If he has a streak of independence, he may
change the subject and geometry of his efforts, but seldom its
essence. He may shift his striving from square bowel move-
178 Sex and People
ments to pear-shaped orgasms, but he will still make sure that
he ends up feeling inadequate. If, on the other hand, they raise
him to succeed, then he will do that, using whatever methods
he has to to hew his ends to the shape required by this destiny.
In order to break away from such script programs, he must
stop and think. But he cannot think about his programming
unless he first gives up the illusion of autonomy. He must
realize that he has not been up to now the free agent he likes to
imagine he is, but rather the puppet of some Destiny from
generations ago. Few people have the courage or the elasticity
to turn around and stare down the monkeys on their backs,
and the older they get, the stiffer their necks become.
This programming starts at the very bottom, at the organs
that lie below the mystically curled omphalos or belly button
where' the twisted silver cord was once attached from mother's
womb. Consider the sergeant's classical greeting to the new
recruits when they arrive at basic training. The true translation
of this is even more anatomical than the anatomical sergeant
dreams of. What he says is (and this is true of WAC sergeants
too): 'Your soul belongs to mother, but your ass belongs to
me.' This can be truly stated as 'l'he inside of your pelvis
belongs to mother, but the outside belongs to me.' The pelvic
organs of almost every human being belong to mother - and
for the lucky ones it goes no further than that. In other cases
she controls the stomach and the brain as well. Ai;tually, the
Army gets only the leftovers - the outside parts, for the ex-
ternal muscles are all that the Army really needs. As long as
soldiers follow orders, the rest is of interest only to the Medi-
cal Corps.
The important instructions in the script remain unchanged;
only the method and the object are permitted to vary. 'Be de-
voted to your leader,' says the Nazi father, and the son devotes
himself either to his Fascist leader, or to his leader in Christi-
anity or in Communism, with equal fervour. The clergyman
saves souls in his Sunday sermons, and his daughter sallies
forth to save them singing folksongs with her guitar. The
father is a streetsweeper and the son becomes a medical para-
Sexual Games 179
sitologist, each in his own way cleaning up the offal that
causes disease. The daughter of the good-natured prostitute
grows up to be a nurse, and comforts the afflicted in a more
sanitary way.
These similarities and differences correspond to what biolo-
gists call genotype and phenotype. All dogs have doggy genes,
and cannot undertake to be anything but dogs; but each dog
can be a dog in his own way. The basic instructions of the
parents are like genes : the offspring cannot undertake to do
anything but follow them, but each can follow them in his or
her own way. This does not mean that brothers and sisters will
be alike, for each sibling may and usually does receive different
instructions, since each may be raised to play a different role in
the scripts of the parents. For example, Cinderella had instruc-
tions to be a winner, while her stepsisters were raised to lose,
and they all followed their Parental programming. Cinderella
with her sweet and winning nature found her own way of
coming out on top. It was not the way her parents visualized it
perhaps, or maybe it was, but she came through. Her step-
sisters were taught to grump and sulk to make sure that no-
body would want them except the two jerks who were ordered
to marry them by Cinderella's prince.
This freedom to select methods for arriving at the pre-
determined goal helps to support the illusion of free choice or
autonomy. That illusion is most clearly illustrated by the man
who had his brain stimulated by an electrode during an opera-
tion. Since the stimulated area was the one which controlled
his right arm, he raised the arm. When the operator asked him
why he moved it, he replied: 'Because I wanted to.' This is the
same thing that goes on all the time in daily life. Each person
follows the Parental instructions in important matters, but by
choosing his own time and place, maintains the illusion that he
is making his own decisions freely and that his behaviour is the
result of free will. Both of these aspects are built in. It is built
in that the Parental instructions will work like an electrode, so
that the person will end up following them almost automatic-
ally with little or no chance to decide for himself. It is also
180 Sex and People
built in that he will think he is exercising free will. This can
only be accomplished if he forgets the Parental instructions
and does not remember hearing them. The moment he does
remember, he may realize that it is they who have been decid-
ing his feelings, behaviour, and responses. Only by such a real-
ization can he free himself to use his own decisions.
For some people, of course, and at some levels with every-
one, there is no illusion of autonomy, and the person is quite
aware that his behaviour is determined by what his parents told
him at an early age. This is the case, for example, with many
virgins and frigid women who state quite openly that they are
so because that is how their parents told them to be. In a way
they are better off than those who pretend otherwise. And the
study of parental injunctions was started by a gambler who
wanted to be cured and who said to the therapist: 'Don't tell
me not to gamble. That won't work. What I need is permission
not to lose.' He had suddenly become aware that he lost be-
cause he was ordered to lose. What he needed was not more
instructions, such as 'Why don't you stop gambling?' but per-
mission to disregard the instructions he had received in child-
hood.
Thus lechery, sadism, homosexuality, promiscuity, sexual
games, and other biologically inappropriate forms of sexual
activity are programmed in by the parents in most cases. But
the person says, 'I do it that way because I want to.' This is
true in a roundabout way. He does it that way because he was
so instructed, and he wants to obey the instructions because he
is afraid not to. He turns this necessity into a virtue by claim-
ing free will, which might fool Baudelaire, but it need not fool
others. If and when he recalls the instructions, and finds out
how the electrode was implanted in his brain, he may be ready
to give up his parental programming and the illusions that go
with it and perhaps become really free.
It is important to understand that what we are talking about
here is biology and not youth movements, which in any case
are carried on by programmed youths. Parental programming
is not the 'fault' of parents - since they are only passing on the
Sexual Games 181
programming they got from their parents - any more than the
physical appearance of their off-spring is their 'fault', since
they are only passing on the genes they got from their ances-
tors. But the brain chemicals involved in script programming
are easier to change than the gene chemicals that determine
physical appearance. Therefore a parent who wants to do the
best for his children should find out what his own script is and
then decide whether he wants to pass it on to them. If he
decides not to, then he should find out how to change it, to
grow princes where there were frogs before. This is not easy to
do. It is even harder than trying to give oneself a haircut. It
usually requires help of a script analyst, but that doesn't al-
ways work either. It is even more discouraging to think that if
he does pass it on, it will probably be carried through to his
grandchildren. This script transmission is the basis for the old
saying 'To make a lady, start with the grandmother', and it
also explains why the Civil War is not over yet, and why it will
take another hundred years for the angry scripts of nowadays
to cool into a decent way of living. Now is the time to start
programming the parents of the ladies and gentle-men of the
next century. If we want things to be warm and straight later,
we've got to stop being cold and crooked now.

Notes and References

I

1. Liddell and Scott give Odyssey 4. 221 seq.; Theophrastus, H.P.

9.15.1; Plutarch 2. 614 C; Anthologia Palatina 9.525, 13; and
Protag. (presumably Protagoras) ap Plutarchus 2.118 E. Nepenthe
is best known nowadays as the name of a restaurant in Big Sur,
California. Oxford gives 'Med. A drink possessing sedative properties
(1681), and the plant supposed to supply the drug (1623).' Nepenthes
is used now only for a genus of carnivorous pitcher plants, but
these are not used as materia medica; at least they are not listed
in pharmacology texts, nor in the US pharmacopoeia, nor in the US
Dispensatory as far back as 1866, nor even in Culpeper's Complete
Herbal. Nevertheless, they are of some interest from an evolutionary
point of view if we remember that Homo sapiens is very likely
182 Sex and People
descended from monkeylike tarsiers who fed on insects. Tarsius
spectrum likes to rob pitcher plants of their insect prey. Hence,
according to the late Professor Francis E. Lloyd (Encyclopaedia
Britannica), Nepenthes bicalcarata has developed sharp hooks 'as
an adaptation for catching the tarsier if he tries this game' on that
species. This ancient battle between tarsiers and pitcher plants no
doubt played a modest part in the evolution of the human race, as
it did in the genetic selection of certain Nepenthes.
For those who like gossip, I might add that the owner of Nepen-
the, William Fasset, is a great and genial poker player, and the
father of several remarkable children. Professor Lloyd taught
botany at McGill and from him I learned what little I know of the
subject. I once extrapolated his personality into a story I wrote
under a pen name, which was published in the old Adelphi for
August 1933 ('An Old Man', by Lennard Gandalac). He fathered
two sons, one celebrated for his researches in neurology, and the
other for the beauty of his children and the number and excellence
of his grandchildren. As for tarsiers, although I freely acknowledge
them as my many-greats grandparents, I have never had the pleasure
of a personal acquaintance with one. Concerning pitcher plants, I
do not understand their ways at all. They have their ideas of what
a flower should be, and I have mine, but I bear them no ill will.
2. The following figures from the World Almanac, 1968, show
suicide rates for males per 100,000 for 1962-3 according to the
World Health Organization: Hungary, 35.5; Austria, 29.5; US
White, 18.0; US Non-White, 9.6; Poland, 16.6. The corresponding
rates for females are 14.1, I I.I, 6.7, 2.7, and 3.5. (In 1966-7, West
Berlin was far, far ahead of the rest of the world both in suicide
rate [40.9] and in general mortality rate [1798.8], exceeding in each
even the most backward countries of Africa and Arabia. United
Nations Demographic Yearbook, 1968.)
3. Mao Tse-tung: On Art and Literature. China Books & Periodi-
cals, San Francisco, 1960.
4. Cf. Young, D.: 'The Frog Game'. Transactional Analysis Bul-
letin 5: 156, July 1966. Also Berne, E.: Principles of Group Treat-
ment. Oxford University Press, New York, 1966, and Grove Press,
New York, 1968.
5. That paraphrases Herrick's version (c. 1630). Other versions
are: 'Let us crown ourselves with rosebuds, before they be with-
ered' (Wisdom of Solomon, 2: 8). 'Gather ye therefore roses with
Sexual Games 183
great glee, sweet girls, or ere their perfume pass away' (Angelo
Polizeano, 'A Ballata', c. 1490, trans. by J. A. Symonds). 'Gather
the Rose of love, whilst yet is time' (Spenser, Faerie Queene, I, 12,
c. 1590).
As for us passing through time, rather than vice versa, this idea
was most neatly expressed by Ronsard in his poem 'Le temps s'en
va', later elaborated by Austin Dobson in his poem 'The Paradox
of Time'.
6. Lorenz discusses this dilemma in King Solomon's Ring (op. cit.).
He has one chapter on 'Laughing at Animals' and another on
'Pitying Animals'.
7. This cynical interpretation of brooding behaviour is adapted
from Ruth Crosby Noble: The Nature of the Beast (Doubleday,
Doran & O;>mpany, New York, 1945, pp. 161 f.), but it arouses
considerable feeling among those who love poultry. In my efforts
to verify it among textbooks and teachers of poultry science, I
received categorical and sometimes heated denials. 'That . . . is
pure imagination. It is not to cool her breast.' Poultrymen much
prefer to hypostatize an anthropomorphic concept of gallinaceous
brooding. 'If the weather is hot, the hen may stand over the nest
to shade the eggs. If the weather is cold, the bird nestles down to
keep them warm. When a hen becomes "broody'', you can't keep
her from sitting on eggs or potatoes or smooth stones' (teleological
italics mine). But none of this is inconsistent with the view set
forth by Noble. Thus opinion is divided between an altruistic bird
who wants to keep her eggs comfortable and a less estimable hen
who merely wants to cool herself off. Noble cites in support of the
icebag theory the fact that if the breast of an incubating bird is
immersed in cold water, thus counteracting the abnormal heat, the
bird will no longer be interested in brooding. But as she also notes,
birds do recognize and prefer their own eggs to those of other birds.
So there may be something more to it than mere poulticing.
8. I came across an account of this unusual stickleback behaviour
some years ago and made some notes, but neglected to record the
source. Since then I have hunted for it assidiously but vainly. I
have talked to and written to several fish men, but they were all
sceptical, including Desmond Morris, who is a stickleback man of
many years' standing. With the pride of a poultryman, he replied,
'My sticklebacks never, to my knowledge, developed "lockjaw".'
9. Wendt, Herbert: The Sex Life of Animals. Simon & Schuster,
184 Sex and People
New York, 1965; Chapter 7. See also LeBoeuf, B. J., and Peterson,
R. S.: 'Social Status and Mating Activity in Elephant Seals'.
Science 163: 91-3, 3 January, 1969.
10. Wendt, Herbert: ibid. For the most careful study to date of
baboon harems, see Hans Kummer: The Social Organization of
Hamadryas Baboons. University of Chicago Press, Chicago, 1968.
11. The idea of putting muumuus on apes is no more original than
the proposal of SINA, the Society for Indecency to Naked Animals,
to put panties on pets, half-slips on cows, and Bermuda shorts on
horses. Started as a hoax, with the slogan 'Decency Today Means
Morality Tomorrow', SINA hoped to expose some aspects of
sexual hypocrisy through satire, but failed because millions of
people took their crusade seriously. For an account of the barely
credible results, see: The Great American Hoax, by Alan Abel.
Trident Press, New York, 1966. For additional information about
how violently some 'pet-lovers' feel about 'immorality' in animals,
see: Petishism, by Kathleen Szasz. Holt, Rinehart & Winston,
New York, 1969.
12. Berne, E.: Games People Play.
13. Karpman, S.: 'Fairy Tales and Script Drama Analysis'. Trans·
actional Analysis Bulletin 7: 39--43, April 1968.
14. Sun Tzu: The Art of War, translated by Lionel Giles, in
Phillips, T. R. (ed.): Roots of Strategy. Military Service Publishing
Company, Harrisburg, Pa., 1940.
6
Sex and Well-being or Preventive Intimacy

a. INTRODUCTION

It is very difficult to decide on cause and effect in human

behaviour because most psychological theories are manufac-
tured to explain what happened last time. But this does not
prove anything unless the same explanation can be used to
predict wqat will happen next time. If the explanation works
for the future as well as it does for the past, then very likely it
does say something worth saying about human nature. A
theory that works for the future as well as for the past may be
called a hard theory, while one that works for the past but not
for the future is a soft theory. Thus the theories of psycho-
analysis and transactional analysis, properly used by properly
trained people, can not only explain the previous behaviour of
a person, but can also foretell what he will do in the years to
come; so these are hard theories. People who use soft theories,
such as sociologists, generally say that they cannot predict the
future because circumstances change, and that is very true. So
a hard, theory of human behaviour is one that deals with hard
facts, aspects that remain unchanging through the ages, while
a soft theory deals with soft facts, those that are easily
changed by external circumstances.
Soft theories are not as powerful as hard theories because
there is no reliable way to check them and they do not indicate
remedies. Usually they deal with Awfuls, items that can be
traded like stamps between people who play Ain't It Awful, but
don't know what to do with the Awfuls they collect except
compare them with other collections. For example, comparing
the frequency of sexual horsewhipping among college gradu-
ates versus grade school graduates does nothing to stop it, if it
should be stopped, but it makes an interesting Awful to talk
186 Sex and People
about, even though there is no reliable way to check the
figures. Actually, such a study should be of interest mainly to
manufacturers of horsewhips. Most people who want to read
about such things are like the little old lady at the zoo who
asked the guard whether the hippopotamus was a male or a
female, to which the man replied: 'Madam, that should be of
interest only to another hippopotamus.'*
Soft theories, which are usually based on the question 'How
many people do so and so?' are of value to administrators,
politicians, economists, and businessmen. Hard theories, which
say 'Human beings are so constructed that unless something
prevents it, they will invariably do such and such', are much
more useful to scientists. Soft theories are made for the most
part by dependent thinkers, thinkers who are thinking for the
benefit of someone else. Hard theories are made by inde-
pendent thinkers, who like to discover things for the sake of
discovery. In the long run, however, they prove more useful
than soft theories do. So in the sections that follow, we will try
to stick to hard facts and avoid soft facts whenever possible.

b. PHYSICAL CONTACT AND PHYSICAL HEALTH

If baby rats are not handled by their mothers or by human

hands, they do not develop as well as they should, and many
of them get sick and die. The same applies to human babies
who are not picked up. They need to be held and patted.1 In
fact any human being who is not stroked with cheerful words
or gentle hands will shrivel up and die inside. Dr Harry Har-
low and his friends studied baby monkeys who were taken
from their mothers at birth and given a terry-cloth towel to rub
up against instead.z They proved that monkey babies are de-
signed by nature for physical contact with others of their kind.
If they are deprived of that, when they grow up they cannot
* E W: Do you know any jokes in which the woman doesn't end up look-
ing stupid?
EB: Yes. See page 77 {Chapter 3, section b).
Sex and Well-being or Preventive Intimacy 187
have sexual relations the way other monkeys do, and if one
does get pregnant, her baby is likely to die because she will
neglect or mistreat it. Some human parents do that too: ignore
their babies or beat them up, even injure or kill them. Such
parents were usually victims themselves as children, sons and
daughters of non-touching shells of humanity, or of sad and
angry sacks. 3 We can say all this briefly as follows: If any
person is not stroked by his own kind, his mind shrivels and
his humanity dries out.
There are two groups of people who suffer this way. In
every city there are thousands of girls who go to work every
morning and travel home each night to spend nearly all of
their spare time alone in their rooms or apartments, with noth-
ing to do and no one to talk to or fight with. In a typical case,
Sally has no dates; she may have a few friends who are not too
enthusiastic about her; they invite her to dinner once every
two months to meet a young lawyer from Kansas or Maine. In
between, she may try going to movies or concerts, but she goes
alone and lives the life of a loner. After a while she loses
interest in cooking for herself, and eventually in eating. Then
her skin begins to go bad and her legs start to shrink from lack
of nourishment. Her muscles get weak and her stomach sags.
It is not the lack of social activity that causes these bad effects,
but it is the lack of social activity which leads to her loss of
appetite, and that is what causes the body decay. Between her
lack of social stimulation and her physical weakness she gets
depressed and loses her drive and energy. This may lead her to
take drugs. Often these are amphetamines or pep pills, which
further depress her appetite and make things worse.
In her case, as in most cases, drugs are instead of people,
and the circle will spiral downhill and can only be turned up by
social contacts. Thus she starts out living a lonely life, and
through loss of appetite and other things that happen to
loners, she ends up in bad physical shape. The end result may
be just as bad if she overeats instead of losing her appetite. In
one case she uses drugs instead of people, and in the other
food instead of people. In both cases she becomes less and less
188 Sex and People
attractive and less likely to find someone who will supply the
recognition and stroking she needs.
Another group that suffer in the same way are older men
who lead lonely lives, such as night watchmen who live in
cheap hotels. Many of them end up in an equally sad condi-
tion, which may be called night-watchman's disease. They too,
from lack of social life, lose interest in eating. There is no one
to cook for them and no one for them to cook for. Their
bodies shrivel from bad nutrition and lack of vitamins, and
their resistance to pneumonia and other infections is lowered.
Their brains may shrivel, too, causing slow thinking, confu-
sion, and sometimes delirium.
Lobar pneumonia itself is a good example of how important
social contact is. Nowadays this ancient lung disease can usu-
ally be conquered with penicillin and similar medications. But
before those remedies were devised, it had a very high death
rate, something like 33 per cent. City hospitals used to be full
of lonely people suffering from pneumonia in the middle of
winter. Often there were so many of them that they filled up
all the beds on the wards and the overflow lay on mattresses in
the corridors, and it was very difficult to save them all from
dying. Many house surgeons in those days were convinced that
patients who just lay there, with no one from the outside car-
ing about them, had a higher death rate than those who had
visitors.' Whether this lowered resistance was due simply to
the lack of contact or to the loner's diseases (malnutrition and
alcoholism) which result from that, the evidence is that people-
hunger meant the difference between life and death, and a cool
hand on the brow or a friendly squeeze was a powerful aid to
the serum that was being injected. This is a specific example of
something which also applies to many less common diseases as
well, especially to the condition known as marasmus in in-
fants.
Social and physical contacts, or lack of them, also affect the
way people tread the world they live in. An experienced ob-
server can pick out loners just by the way they walk down the
street and look at other people and the things around them.
Sex and Well-being or Preventive Intimacy 189
Nor does this have to do with 'extraverts' and 'introverts'.
Many extraverts are really loners and many introverts can
form lasting and intimate relationships. Sometimes a loner can
be diagnosed by the way he talks on the telephone. My friend
Dr Horseley, for example, says that he can tell almost in-
stantly, when a strange psychiatrist calls him, whether this col-
league does group treatment or confines his practice to in-
dividual therapy, sometimes just by the way the caller says
Hello, or in other cases after the first two or three sentences.
The examples given above are meant to show that physical
contact is necessary to produce healthy, vigorous and alert
children, and that social contact is necessary in later life to
sustain the,se qualities. Infection and malnutrition are the great
killers of the world, and physical contact helps to prevent and
conquer both if there is any choice in the matter. The friendly
touch of a human hand can spread its benevolent influence to
every part of the body and awaken the desire to fight and eat
and live. Even where disease and starvation seem beyond help,
everybody knows what help means. It means the friendly ap-
proach of another human being bearing balms and medication
and boxes of food. Once recovery begins, baskets decorated
with loving care are even better.

C. THE SIX HUNGERS

Just as the human body has a hunger for food and vitamins
and will waste away without them, so the nervous system has a
hunger for sensations and will fall apart if they are taken
away. This is well known to the political police of many coun-
tries, and also to prisoners who have been put in solitary con-
finement. It was a great surprise when this fact first came to
light during the Trotskyite trials in Russia in the 1930s. Most
people thought that the Trotskyites who 'confessed' to crimes
must have been severely tortured to make them swear to false-
hoods. But all that is necessary to make a person 'confess' to
almost anything is to keep him in solitary confinement long
190 Sex and People
enough, either with a bright light that is always lit or in com-
plete darkness. Monotony is the key word: no human contact,
no change in surroundings (not even sunrise and sunset), and
the same food from the same dreary tubs in the same grim
bowls every day. Under such conditions the nervous system
decays and the mind with it. The craving for sensations grows
so great that the victim will do almost anything merely for a
cigarette or a few words with another hwnan being, no matter
how evil.
A baby who is not picked up is in a similar plight. He lies in
his prison crib hour after hour, day after day, with no change
or stimulation except when he is fed, and this gradually leads
to physical and mental breakdown. This happens because there
is a special part of the brain, the 'arousal system', that must be
stimulated regularly to maintain good health. 5 If it is not
stimulated, deterioration results. This can be seen in a mild
degree in 'sensory-deprivation experiments', where people are
hired merely to stay in a cell with their eyes covered to prevent
looking, and their arms and hands covered to prevent touch-
ing. Few can stand more than forty-eight hours of this, and
many of them begin to have hallucinations and delusions, very
much as they might under the influence of a drug.6
Most people have a hunger for hum~n contact, at least of
sight and sound, and in most cases also for touch or stroking.
Again we see that such contact may actually makif the differ-
ence between physical and mental health or breakdown, and
even between life and death.
Of all the forms of sensation the one preferred by most
human beings is contact with another human skin. This pro-
vides not only touch, but also warmth or heat of a special kind.
The human skin is the best known emitter and absorber of
infra-red rays. 7 In fact people who study infra-red rays use
hwnan skin as a standard, just as diamonds are used as a
standard for hardness. Infra-red rays are heat waves, and can
easily be photographed with special film, or 'seen' with special
lenses such as snipers use to see enemy soldiers in the dark.
The infra-red rays given off by the human body have a certain
Sex and Well-being or Preventive Intimacy 191
wavelength - just the right wavelength to have the best possible
effect on other human skins. That is why babies respond so
well to physical contact with their mothers, and why mothers
in tum love to feel the warmth of their infants. There is some-
thing close to sexual pleasure in all this, and part of sexual
pleasure is to receive infra-red rays from another person.
Actually, any living thing with a temperature of 98.6 degrees
probably gives off the right infra-red rays, and that is one
reason why anything with a temperature of 98.6 degrees - an
animal, a child, or a person of the same sex, as well as a
person of the opposite sex - can become a sexual object under
certain conditions.
The humii.n nervous system is so constructed that verbal re-
cognition can partly take the place of physkal contact or
stroking. That means that having people say Hello to you can
keep your spinal cord from shrivelling up almost as well as
physical stroking, but it is never quite as satisfactory, and the
hunger for physical stroking is still there, although it may be
repressed. It is interesting to observe that in this country some
bottle-fed babies never feel their mother's skin directly, but ever
and always only through her clothes. The warmth does get
through, but probably not as pleasantly as from the bare skin.
Thus for the baby it is something like the old saying about
'taking a bath with your socks on', only in this case he takes
his infra-red bath with his mother's blouse on.
There is even more specialization than that. The baby not
only wants the warmth of another body next to his, but above
all he wants his mouth stroked, and nursing mothers like to
have their breasts stroked by the baby's mouth. When the nurs-
ing period is over, these desires may subside in the baby until
after puberty, but then there is hunger again for closer contact
of certain parts of the body, and these become grown-up sexual
cravings.
If we take all of these things together, we can call them
hungers, and sex is the most exciting way to satisfy all of them
at once. (A) Stimulus hunger, for sensory stimulation of sight
and sound and touch, with smell and taste as a bonus for
192 Sex and People
gourmets. (B) Recognition hunger, for a special kind of
warmth and contact in deeds or words. (C) Contact hunger,
for physical stroking, although some people settle for pain, or
even come to prefer it. (D) Sexual hunger, to penetrate and be
penetrated, which gratifies the other hungers while it happens.
Thus sex hunger may start anywhere along the line. A sex-
hungry girl who lives as a loner in a little room with not even a
picture on the wall will get none of the gratifications. In large
cities, there are a certain number who live this way by choice.
They cannot afford the slightest luxury or relaxation because
they are in therapy. They keep only enough of their earnings
for low-grade food and gas and oil and give all the rest to their
therapists while they slowly 'make progress' year after year to
a melancholy menopause. Others have hobbies that keep their
senses awake (A), but recognition, contact and penetration
with love are out of their reach. Still other men and women
have sensory stimulation (A) and recognition (B) at work or at
play, but veer away from contact or penetration, perhaps in
favour of 'causes' instead. These are the ones who surprise
people when they commit sexual betrayals or crimes, nearly
always of a cowardly nature. The half-virgins of both sexes
like stimulation (A), recognition (B), and contact (C), but avoid
penetration - from fear or on questionable principles which do
not keep them from being crudely seductive and teasing until
the last moment, when they cry 'Rapo! I've scored again,' and
the crestfallen partner goes home to a lonely bed. People who
find their proper mates can have all the hungers satisfied - (A),
(B), (C), and (D).
One of the great problems in life is how to structure one's
time, and this gives rise to a fifth kind of hunger. There are 24
hours each day, 168 hours a week, 52 weeks every year, and 50
or 100 years to look forward to. All this time has to be filled or
'structured'. Structure-hunger is more widespread and almost
as damaging as malnutrition or malaria. When it becomes
acute, it turns into incident-hunger, which causes many people
to get into trouble and make trouble just to relieve their bore-
dom,8 and that is one reason why they play hard and destruc-
Sex and Well-being or Preventive Intimacy 193
tive games. (Another is so that they won't have time to stop
and think.) This sixth hunger, incident-hunger, was far better
understood by old-time poets, philosophers, and men of action
than it is by modern social scientists, since it is poor fodder for
either computers or government grants. Isaac Watts said it:
'Satan finds some mischief still for idle hands to do.' Military
officers, sea captains, and others skilled in authority have not
only always understood it as well as Watts and Kierkegaard9
did, but they also know what to do about it: 'Keep the troops
busy (no matter how) or they'll lose their morale and their
respect for you to boot.' '
Even people with the strongest drive occasionally feel acute
structure-hunger, and it is chronic for most of the world with
their over-~nd-over lives and repeating scripts. Long-term
structuring is the least pressing and is taken care of by choos-
ing a career. Shorter periods can be filled in by setting up
something to look forward to: graduation, next vacation, good
promotion, recreation. The most difficult problem for most
people is what to do right now or today, if there is leisure or
unstructured time. There must be somebody to do something
with, or alternatively, some interesting way to pass the time by
ignoring other people: meditation, masturbation, defecation,
and intoxication are all good ways to loaf and invite your soul
- to shrivel up, unless you are one of the great ones who can
profit from such activities.
But if you stop to think, you yourself can create the ve!Y
people who will keep you busy all the time without any initia-
tive on your part, and manufacture incidents galore. They will
see to it that you have enough to do today and tomorrow, and
168 hours this week and 52 weeks next year, and you will feel
in the long run, if you have any goodwill at all about it, that
every minute of it was worth while. All you need to do to
acquire these built-in time structurers is have sex once a year
on the right day according to the calendar, with a willing mate.
Babies are the greatest remedies for structure- and incident-
hunger ever devised.
d. SEX AND ETHICS

I have tried to give some hard facts that should impress hard·
headed as well as soft-hearted people. Physical contact is nee·
essary for physical development and health, and is often life-
saving. It is also necessary for mental development and health,
and is often sanity-saving. And sexual contact is the simplest,
pleasantest, most constructive, and most satisfying way of ap-
peasing the six basic hungers of the human mind (or nervous
system, if you wish). There is therefore no good reason (al-
though there are several bad ones) why other people should
meddle with sexual activities between consenting grown-ups,
and such meddling is a poor basis for an ethical system. Its
result in this country has been that sex is largely illegal, and
violence is not. Sex is banned from the news-stands in most
places where murder is freely sold, and from television where
violence is freely seen: not only violence between consenting
adults, as in Westerns, but unprovoked mayhem that sells can-
cer sticks and soap. An ardent teenager can learn from every
corner store and in any living room new and better ways of
charnel killing or wounding, but there is no one to tell him new
and better ways of carnal love.
It is the other way round in places like Denmark, where
anyone over twelve, I am told, can watch a sexy movie, but no
one under sixteen can watch a violent one. So in this country
children are allowed to see hate but not love, while in Den-
mark it is vice versa. Of course decent children with decent
parents in both countries will behave decently anyway, and I
am only talking about where the official sanctions or sancti-
monies lie.
Somewhere there has to be a simple and sensible system of
values, and I propose one that is not only simple, but also I
think makes some sort of sense. Furthermore, it can be judged
from one set of pretty reliable figures, so that different coun-
tries can be compared, and bar-room arguments can be settled
with a wet thumb in the right book. It is based on the single
Sex and Well-being or Preventive Intimacy 195
idea that if anything in life is significant and worth while, it is
the love between mother and child. It assumes that mothers
(and fathers and uncles and grandparents too) want their
babies to live. Although this is not always so, it is as hard a fact
as anything that can· be said about human desires. The pro-
posed ethical system is therefore based on one item which
comes out of that. Here is my proposition. The goodness or
badness of any society shall henceforth be judged by its infant
mortality rate. If that is low, the society is good; if it is high,
the society is bad. In between there are grey areas for those
who don't like black and white. (The infant mortality rate is
the number of deaths of children under one year per 1,000 live
births.)10 [Link] mortality rate is really a matter of national
management and is decided by the prejudices of each govern-
ment and where it puts its money (or as it is usually said in the
words of the people in charge and their donzels, by political
and economic policy). We therefore say our ethic again to take
account of that. We consider the total infant mortality rate
from all causes (disease, starvation, ignorance, and murder,
whether in peace or war), in all the territories controlled by a
government. If that rate is low, the system is a good one; if it
is high, it is bad. The reason I am down on India, for example,
is that while some of its people sit around sucking their
psyches and kowtowing to their cows, babies are dying like flies
around them. Therefore that system is a bad one.* By using
this approach, all problems of sexual ethics can be solved by
asking only one question : which decision will result in fewer
deaths among babies born alive? It is not a question of making
babies; almost anybody can do that. The real test is to keep
them going after their first cry, and that takes careful thought,
good governing, and decent concern for things that count. It is
doubtful that it is going to be taken care of by what Amaryllis
calls 'smut-smellers' and 'shootniks'.

*Note that this is a reductive system, which simply states that for what-
ever reasons, a system works well or badly. There may be all kinds of
reasons, but the ailing infant and his mother are not likely to be impressed
by them.
e. SEX AND AESTHETICS

It is also possible to set up a 'one-item aesthetic system' by

proposing that nice pictures should have good frames and that
art galleries should be clean and well built. This does away
with the error that a beautiful inside excuses an ugly exterior,
with its final challenge that Truth and Beauty should crouch in
the garbage can and we should all go and look for them there.
Picture frames can be disdained as merely gilded squares, and
so can the people who build art galleries, but it takes both to set
off Leonardo and Renoir to best advantage. True, the paintings
can exist without them, but enjoyment goes beyond mere exist-
ence, and a good light is better than a dark alley to see how a
man handles his palette. No painting can even exist in dark-
ness, if existence means to live in the world of people. (This is
Bishop Berkeley's paradox again.)
This principle can be applied to human behaviour; for ex-
ample, juvenile delinquency, whatever that includes. In some
cases, delinquency is a matter of morality if it increases or
threatens to increase the infant-mortality rate. But in other
cases it is merely unpretty, and reprehensible because of that.
Evil is bad because it makes messes. This approach appeals to
many of the 'juveniles' themselves. They may be more willing
to listen if you say that what they do is not pretty than if you
say that it is wicked. The wickedness may not be visible, and
may in fact be just a figment ·to the growing mind, while
bloody litter on the sidewalk is very real, and is there for all to
see.
Having now set up an ethical principle and an aesthetic
principle, both based on visible results, we are ready to consider
whether sexual intimacy, which is good for the body beautiful,
is less good for the body politic. Intimate couples usually love
and care for children and respond to beauty in themselves and
their surroundings. In this way they help decrease the infant-
mortality rate, which is moral (according to our proposed
ethical system), and they also want to keep things beautiful,
Sex and Well-being or Preventive Intimacy 197
which is aesthetic. Thus they contribute to both the health and
the beauty of society at large. And beyond that, since they
receive so much, they can give more. Being game-free, they do
not try to exploit anyone, prove anything, or make anybody
sorry, and, having each other in natural closeness, they do not
need alcohol or other chemicals that may damage children's
minds or bodies and leave unpretty sights for them to see. All
this shows, I hope, that from both the moral and the aesthetic
points of view, sexual intimacy is the most desirable way for
society as for the individual, for satisfying the yearnings of the
human soul and mind. We have only to beware of pseudo-
intimacy, which masks anger, fear, and hurt and guilt with
sweet words, or drowns them in acids and alcohols, only to
have them surface the next morning or the next year to spread
their foetid vapours through the house.
Thus marriage, in common or in canon law, can be-
come a true sacrament if it is not bruised or abused by clumsy
handling and phoney dandling, or by the threats and ex-
hortations of muddling fiddlers, moral meddlers, and venal
pedlars.

f. SEX AND INTIMACY

I have talked above about sexual intimacy because intimacy

without sex, outside the family, is rare. Every couple has
sexual desires, which they will discover if they are intimate in
any other way; if they do not reveal them, they are withhold-
ing that much of themselves, so that the intimacy is not com-
plete. Some couples can have partial intimacy while looking
forward to its fulfilment later; for example, engaged couples
waiting for the marriage bed. Others seem unlikely candidates,
such as a homosexual man and a homosexual woman; for a
long time such a pair may confine themselves to talking about
important intimate subjects, such as their hopes, their fears,
and their telephone bills. But if they keep it up, they too are
likely sooner or later to find themselves in bed with each other,
198 Sex and People
trading infra-red rays and exploring each others bodies, even
though they may not have actual intercourse.
Real intimacy takes place between real people, and usually
progresses more or less quickly to sex. First comes the thrill of
discovery: 'Someone I can really talk to', 'I've been waiting so
long and I'm really excited I found you.' The breathless talkies,
which may go on for twenty-four hours at a stretch, as each
one pours out bis life's savings of opinions, feelings, and
aspirations, sooner or later give way to the smiling lookies as
'really talking' is replaced by 'really seeing' the other person.
The lookies lead inevitably to the toucbies, and after a period
of entranced stroking, the feelies begin to take over and the
bands move downwards and inwards. Unless the proceedings
are postponed or terminated at this point, the desire to explore
warmer places wells up as the warmies come to life, and after
that there bas to be a decision as to whether the cuffies will
have their way.
At each of these stages there is the risk of Parental interfer-
ence.
You're not supposed to talk that way,
You're not supposed to stare,
You're not supposed to touch him so,
You must not feel her there,
And certainly, my dear young thing,
Of that you must beware!
Talking, looking, touching, feeling,
What an evil pair!
These warnings have to be overcome gently and without
rancour, since defiance or outright rebellion will be followed in
due time by the guilties and the morning after, which will sully
the joy and slash the canvas of intimacy. But in most cases,
once two people 'really talk' to each other or 'really look' at
each other, they are tempted to plunge into the great adventure
of a candid, game-free relationship, in which orders from
headquarters are likely to be reinforced by orders from hind-
quarters. Then one or the other is going to say: 'Why spend
our lives with an at least when we can have a wow?' If they
Sex and Well-being or Preventive Intimacy 199
are both level-headed, read from right or read from left, both
ways WoW spells WoW. But if things get topsy-turvy, it reads
MoM from either side. If their venture is prudent and success-
ful, however, at an appropriate time there will be a baby, who
will show them all the valuables they had hidden in the pockets
of their genes. And what could be more moral and aesthetic
than that?

g. SEX AND MARRIAGE

The marriage licence is a service provided by society to take

care of the parental interference referred to above by replacing
it with the Parental blessing, and it often succeeds at that. But
a marriage licence no more makes a good spouse than a
driver's licence makes a good driver. Good spouses and good
drivers are both made by Parental instructions contained in the
script. A winner will make a good spouse and a good driver,
and a loser will be poor at both because he does not have
permission to do well at either. There are, of course, many
splits here, good spouses who are poor drivers, and vice versa.
Most of these, I think, turn out to be non-winners, who either
plod and shrink, or zoom and crash.
Since the licence in favourable cases eliminates the guilties,
married people have the best chance for continued intimacy,
although informal ball and sockets often do better than welded
ball and chains. Either way, if the intimacy works, the couple
can be spotted by the way they walk down the street. Their
eyes sparkle and their steps are springy, and their children, if
they have any, will be laughing merrily much of the time. The
lady should be congratulated on looking so well, and the
gentleman on the good job he has done. My friend Dr Horse-
ley relates the case of a troubled marriage that improved to the
point of real intimacy, as was easily apparent when the couple
was together. He asked them: 'Do I have your permission to
say that intimacy such as yours makes people's eyes sparkle
and their steps springy?' To which they replied : 'You cert-
200 Sex and People
ainly may, and you can add that it makes the children happier
too.' The children may not know what is happening when such
a change occurs, but they know that something is different,
and they react in a very favourable way.
While the physical and mental effects of sex and intimacy
have a great deal to do with this happy condition, there is
another element at work as well, and that is a sense of free-
dom. This is shown by the fact that some newly divorced
people show the same spring and sparkle after they are re-
leased from the bonds of their matrimony. This is one manifes-
tation of the age-old conflict between security and freedom.
When a marriage is based on love and security, its restrictions
are cheerfully accepted and even enjoyed. But when it is an
obligation and a damper on the free spirit of humanity, its
bondage is cheerfully given up in favour of something more
important than sex and more invigorating than apathy, and
that is liberty. There is a simple question to test the import-
ance of sex vs liberty. How would a person choose between
staying in a prison with conjugal visits and taking a sexless
parole?

h. SEX AND RESEARCH

Very little research has been done on sex and well-being. The
best-known figures are those that show that married people can
expect to live longer than single ones. The only systematic
work on the subject was published in German in 1904, and is
full of pre-Nazi exhortations to keep the race pure and forbid
sexual intercourse (even with contraceptives) to anyone with
any physical defect.11 The anti-sexual attitudes of those times
and places are still to be found in this country, although· some
research is permitted under protest, with many people_ hoping
it will make the whole subject look even more Awful than it
did before. Research intended to find out whether sex is bene-
ficial or harmful to the human race would arouse opposition in
many quarters, but a determined investigator might be able to
Sex and Well-being or Preventive Intimacy 201
carry it through. I would propose the following studies as a
beginning:
1) I have already mentioned (Chapter 1, e) the {'roject of
keeping health and sex records on a large group of college
students of both sexes. It would then be a simple matter to
compare physical health with frequency, regularity, and qual-
ity of sexual activity, if any.
(2) Take 1,000 female teachers in a number of school sys-
tems. Half wear sexy clothes and half wear conservative
clothes. Then compare the scholastic achievement scores and
IQs of all their classes. Since the teachers would be volunteers,
we would really be comparing sexy teachers with conservative
ones. This stµdy might show that sexy-looking teachers raised
the IQs of their pupils, while conservative ones lowered
achievement scores. Or it might be the other way round. Or it
might be that sexiness has no effect at all. Nobody knows until
somebody tries it.* This is merely one of the more practical
projects of the many that an agile mind could devise to test the
connection between sex and well-being.

1. SEX AND WELL-BEING

At this point we are ready to consider the specific conditions

that sexual intimacy can prevent, alleviate, or cure. We will
rely for the most part on the clinical experience of Dr Horse-
ley, who cautions us that specialists in other fields than psy-
chiatry might well disagree with him on many of the things he
11ays. In fact the mere list of these conditions has caused many
of his medical colleagues to raise their eyebrows, and some of
them even to purse their lips. And no wonder, for here is what
he includes: high back pain, low back pain, obesity, fluid reten-
tion, bladder trouble, stomach ulcer, stomach cancer, high
blood pressure, haemorrhoids; palpitation, shakiness, sweating
•Some of the variables in such an experiment, besides Sexy-Conservative
and IQ-Achievement, would be Over-achievers-Under-achievers, age and
sex of pupils.
202 Sex and People
and nightmares; asthma, eczema and hives; alcoholism and
drug addiction; insomnia; flat feet, dull eyes, and all manner
of other affiictions.12 It sounds like an ad for a patent -medi-
cine, but fortunately no one can get a patent on this mixture of
nature's elixirs, which has more healing powers than all the
mineral waters of Europe, all the trees of the tropics, and all
the herbs of China.
(1) Back pains: First, says Dr Horseley, while the saying
'Stroking keeps the spinal cord from shrivelling up'13 is just a
manner of speaking, in some ways it is literally true. For
example, good sex keeps the spine lined up right, and vice
versa; or as Amaryllis puts it, 'Stiff necks, cold sex.' There are
a certain number of women who wear surgical collars as a
splint against recurring neck pains. Such pains are notoriously
unpredictable. Even if the X-rays show signs that there is
something wrong with the cartilages between the vertebrae, the
complaints come and go without much change in these abnor-
malities. In his experience, a permanent cure often follows a
congenial marriage or a robust affair, and the collar is never
worn again. The same applies to low back pain, which is one
of the commonest complaints among people with unsatis-
factory sex lives. This condition is seen in the greatest concen-
tration in the U.S. Army, where it is frequently referred for
psychiatric consultation, which is generally not the case out-
side. The sexual remedy in civilian life should not be too vigor-
ous, for on the other side there is the condition known as
'bride's back', which comes from overindulgence. Nor should it
be halfhearted or perfunctory, since an unsatisfactory orgasm
may aggravate the discomfort or bring on a recurrence after it
has gone away. For that reason, the local remedy may not
work for the military, and they seem to do better if they can go
home.
Now, love as a cure for pains in the back, from the neck
down to the sacrum, is not available to everyone, and many
would consider the suggestion unacceptable or even repugnant.
In such cases the patient will search for some cause in his
everyday activities. He and his doctor may decide, for ex-
Sex and Well-being or Preventive Intimacy 203
ample, that the pain is a result of mowing his lawn. It may be
that he has mowed this same lawn every day for years, but it is
always possible that the grass was especially long on the day he
got the pain.
But the facts are that the sex organs in both men and women
become so engorged if sexual excitement is not released by a
well-developed orgasm that they may exceed the structural
safety factor of the muscles and ligaments of the lower spine,
just as an excessive load may exceed the safety factor of an
automobile's suspension system and cause an awful racket
when it goes over a bump. The excited uterus, for example,
may triple its normal size and weight and stay that way for an
hour or more, but after a satisfactory orgasm it will return to
normal ·in fiv~ or ten minutes. If we add to the weight of the
blood-laden uterus the congestion of all the other pelvic or-
gans, it is not surprising that a small and normally harmless
twist can throw the already strained back out of joint. The
same applies to the male sex. It is advisable, therefore, for
people who are not going to have physiologically effective
orgasms to eitl\er shun sexual stimulation of mind or body
altogether, or else get with it one way or another. Jn making
up their minds, they should remember Amaryllis' epigram:
'Sexually frigid is intellectually rigid.' She explains it this way:
'It doesn't mean that frigid people can't learn, but that they're
not flexible in applying what they learn.'*
(2) Overweight. Most women in Western countries consider
overweight repellent to the opposite sex, but in some Oriental
harems, the fatter the better, and even in this country plump
women can usually find mates who like them that way. Never-
theless, women in search of marriage, love, intimacy, or just
plain sex try to stay slim, and medical men consider this
healthy because thin people on the whole have lower blood

•The word 'frigid' is sometimes used in a general deprecatory rather than

a specific physiological sense to mean 'having an intolerant attitude towards
sex'. This would include people who are prudish and hypocritical (and
with holding anorgasmic women) as well as those who are actually coldly
repulsing or frigid.
204 Sex and People
pressure and live longer than fat ones. In this indirect way,
sex, or sexual desire, can prevent high blood pressure and its
unwholesome consequences, and possibly prolong life.
Overweight, when it does occur, is of two types: obesity and
fluid retention. According to the Don't Look at Me Theory,
which is well known among obese women, one object of over-
eating is to prevent men from making passes at them, or to
repel their husbands. This means that when they are ready for
intimacy, they are more likely to slim up, and in that round-
about way, sex can be regarded as a cure for obesity. Some-
times the relationship is more direct. A woman who loses a
lover or husband will often begin to stuff herself, trading a man
for a bag of groceries. On the other hand, a lonely woman who
finds a mate may start to diet and take off weight.
Fluid retention is more variable than obesity and may cause
quite large changes in weight from one day to the next. Some
women who get angry at night find that they have gained the
next morning, and this anger is closely related to their sexual
activities. In these cases, a sweet-flowing sex life makes smooth-
flowing kidneys, and the weight changes are watered away.1'
The bladder is also toned up. 15
(3) Stomach trouble. On the man's side, many a husband
knows how sex can prevent cancer. He knows that it is his
wife, or rather his choice of wife, and his responses to her, that
make his stomach churn and the acid squirt. I;Ie also knows
that if it churns often enough and fiercely enough, he may end
up with an ulcer, and that it is not a very long churn from an
ulcer to cancer in serious cases. So he pops executive mints to
keep the acid down, and hopes for what script analysts call an
At Least: for example, at least he might get high blood pres-
sure before he gets cancer, and die a pleasanter death. But he
will tell you that a good sex life would prevent the whole
disaster: churning, acid, mints, and ulcer, and the cancer or
stroke at the end of the line. And in many cases, all these
things he says could be true.
(4) Haemorrhoids, oddly enough, can also result from sex-
ual frustration. They are strongly encouraged by spending too
Sex and Well-being or Preventive Intimacy 205
much time in the bathroom. Now, people with a good sex life
would rather spend an hour romping in the bedroom than
reading in the bathroom, and in this way sex can be regarded
as a preventive against piles. On the other hand, from this
point of view, illiteracy might be a simpler solution.
(5) Anxiety symptoms. Freud's first theory about anxiety
said that it was caused by simple sexual frustration. 16 He later
made it more complicated, but his first equation seems to hold
true in many cases. This means that palpitation, shakiness,
sweating, and nightmares, if they are not caused by some
physical or chemical disorder such as thyroid disease, may
result from dammed-up sexual excitement. This may be simply
due to lack ,of available partners, but it may also come from
lack of real intimacy, so that sex, if it is indulged in at all, is
not properly completed or is mere copulation, without the
health-giving closeness and freedom that tones up the body
and wards off such maladies.
In some cases, lack of opportunity, or lack of response to
sexual stimulation due to anger and other complications, may
result in chronic, alarming, and sometimes disabling breath-
lessness, weakness, and tightness in the chest, giving the feeling
of an impending 'heart attack'. This condition is known med-
ically as neurocirculatory asthenia, and among soldiers and
Australians as 'the rare Hawaiian disease lakanuki'. It is often
treated with large doses of tranquillizers and sleeping pills that
reduce the person's efficiency and sociability, and this sets up a
vicious circle.
(6) Allergic reactions. Good sex is good prevention for
asthma, eczema, and hives. But bad sex may aggravate them.
The same goes for arthritis and 'rheumatiz' in older people,
and for trichomonas infection, which often causes 'the whites•
in women. This condition is particularly common in those who
are unresponsive (perhaps intuitively) to their husbands, who
may be innocent carriers of the organism.
(7) Since alcohol and drugs are instead of people, good sex is
a sovereign remedy for these addictions. They can cause death
in many ways, :ranging from cirrhosis of the liver to over-
206 Sex and People
shooting with heroin, setting fire to a mattress or sweating it
out in the stinking hell of a badly run jail. Cigarette smoking
belongs here too; sexual frustration and marital tension may
lead to harder, faster, and deeper smoking and hasten. the onset
of lung cancer.
(8) Good sex is a cure for insomnia. On the mental side, it is
something pleasant to think about in bed, and refreshing
thoughts should bring refreshing sleep. Even if you don't fall
asleep, blissful thoughts make lying awake more cosy, and
more restful to boot. It should be more agreeable to think of
rolling in the golden hay of sunrise with rosy-fingered Aurora
as she colours the dawning sky than to toss and worry about
all the people you hate, or why you can't make more money,
or how guilty you should feel about something you've done or
haven't done, or how scared to be of someone you have to deal
with when the sun is really up. (Don't think you're going to
shock Aurora with your lusty play. Astraeus and Tithonus and
Cephalus were there before you, and she is the reason Orion is
always smiling in the sky.)
It is the four-year-old in a person that tosses around in bed,
taking advantage of the enormous muscles at his disposal. And
nothing soothes a tired or worried four-year-old like cuddling
up to Mother, unless he is sulking or she pushes him away; the
same goes for a little girl and her father. In this particular
case, outcest is even more effective than incest. ,
Biologically, good sex is nature's sleeping pill, and should
automatically lead into a healthy drowse that falls into a
sound night's sleep. This may even be stated as a rule: If after
enough bedtime sex a lover doesn't feel sleepy, then something
is wrong with the sex. If he actually feels twitchy instead, then
something is very wrong. But if it goes right, then in the morn-
ing it will be a cure for flat feet and dull eyes, if you remember
the springy step and sparkling look of the well-cuffed couple.
(9) Beyond all the conditions mentioned above, there are
probably hundreds of thousands of cases seen by doctors every
year where physical symptoms in various parts of the body
result directly or indirectly from sexual 'problems'. Tracking
Sex and Well-being or Preventive Intimacy 207
this down is an interesting field of medical detective work, but
in most cases it would probably not help much in the immedi-
ate treatment of the symptoms. Every once in a while, though,
it does pay off in the most surprising way. For example, con-
sider the case of Mrs Woble, who suffered from 'tennis elbow',
which is about as far away from sex as you can get. Since she
did not play tennis, she was at a loss to account for her condi-
tion, which almost paralysed her right arm. It was aggravated
by the fact that she bumped her sore elbow several times a day
passing through doorways or reaching for things. Her ortho-
paedic surgeon treated it in the usual way by novocaine injec-
tions, ultrasound and rest. But every time she bumped it, she
undid the efl;ects of the treatment. He suggested that she keep
it in a sling, which she was reluctant to do because that kept
her from taking care of her housework. Furthermore, when
she did wear the sling on her right arm, she began to bump her
left elbow.
One of her knowing friends told her it it was all due to
masochism, and another avid reader said it was hostility, but
neither of them could explain why it settled where it did. Her
housemaid, closer to the truth, said she thought it would go
away if Mrs Woble hit the right person real hard, but ventured
no opinion as to who that person was. Then-her psychiatrist
noticed one day that she walked differently than she had be-
fore, that is, with her arms tensed up and her elbows slightly
bent akimbo, as though she really was trying to keep from
hitting somebody. They both knew who that somebody was: it
was her husband, whom she was furious at and blamed for her
sexual frustration. Her 'tennis elbow' came about as follows.
Since she had begun to stiffen up her arms and keep her elbows
slightly bent, she was two or three inches wider than she was in
her normal state and with her arms relaxed. (Normal width,
20". Angry width, 23". Width of many doorways, 29".) But
when she walked through a doorway, she did not make allow-
ance for the fact that she stuck out a little on each side, and
therefore banged her elbow every so often. Only after the sex-
ual problem was settled, and she went back to her normal
208 Sex and People
diameter, could the orthopaedic treatment start to take effect.
It should be clear from this list of conditions that sex is
closely connected with well-being and is biologically healthy
and desirable, and so we can speak of preventive intimacy as
an important public health measure. Under certain conditions,
however, it may do more harm than good, and a certain
amount of caution has to be exercised, just as in swimming or
riding a bicycle. There are always sharks and oil slicks to
watch out for. These are similar to the dangers mentioned by
Miss Wilde, the young lady in the limerick in Chapter I. She
feared she might get an unwanted pregnancy, or venereal
disease, or be denounced from the pulpit, or forced to hide her
cleavage under a big red A, and those are things that can
always happen.
Sex may also interfere with other activities. Many athletes
try to abstain during the playing season or when their big
events are coming up. There used to be a legend that the mem-
bers of the Oxford and Cambridge rowing teams would go to
any lengths to prevent an ejaculation, even a wet dream, while
they were in training for the big race, and inflicted all sorts of
unpleasant prevention on themselves to avoid such accidents.
Some movie producers try to prevent their stars from having
affairs during a filming for fear that it might impair their act-
ing ability in the love scenes. 'If they're balling all night, how
can they look as though they want to ball some more the next
morning in front of the camera?' as one man put it plaintively.
And some Old Masters felt that they did their best work in a
state of temporary virginity.
Worst of all, it is a fact that sexual intercourse or even
masturbation can occasionally be fatal for men with coronary
heart disease or hardening of the arteries, by causing a heart
attack or a stroke of apoplexy. This commonly occurs away
from home, in a motel or the apartment of a lady friend,
usually after a heavy meal and lots of drink. These tragic end-
ings are much feared by madams of brothels, since they are
almost sure to get busted, and badly, if there is a death in the
house and the coroner is called in. The medical examiners who
Sex and Well-being or Preventive Intimacy 209
do the autopsies in such cases recommend that coronary pati-
ents limit their sexual attentions to their wives, in familiar
surroundings, and on an empty stomach. 17
On the other hand, there is the curious fact that Oriental
potentates, who have unlimited opportunites for sexual gratifi-
cation, often outlive their contemporaries (provided they are
not assassinated), and there is no doubt that many older people
are rejuvenated when they take a younger mate. Thus the
Fountains of Youth, so ardently sought in Florida and other
exotic places, may be right under our noses (approximately 2'
6" down). Since it is well established that married people, on
the average, live far longer than single ones,18 the prevention
of ageing may lie not in some rare drug or mineral but in an
active sex lif~. Thus my young friend Amaryllis may be more
philanthropic than saucy when she wishes her elders 'Long life
and good cuffing', for the two do seem to go together.
A more specific question for older men is whether sexual
activity prevents prostate operations. There is no firm evidence
that sexual frustration causes enlargement of the prostate, but
it does make the symptoms worse by causing congestion. 1~
Dog owners run into this during rutting season when their
frustrated males get so uncomfortable that they have to be
taken to the vet for injections at $35 a throw. Thus good sex
may alleviate the symptoms and so avert a serious and very
upsetting surgical procedure in humans. An allied question is
whether it prevents cancer of the cervix in women, and the
answer is no. 20 If it proves to be true, as some have said, that
the viruses causing such conditions hide in the male's foreskin,
then a small sacrifice on the part of the husband might be
worthwhile, and he will be amply repaid by having an interest-
ing conversation piece thereafter.
And now a practical hint about the dentist's chair. Novo-
caine injections are often requested by timorous people for
simple fillings. The victim is then left for the rest of the day
with a concrete jaw on one side, and sometimes when the
novocaine wears off he suffers more pain than the original
drilling would have caused. In order to avoid the injection, he
210 Sex and People
should try Nature's anaesthetic first, and that is sexual fan-
tasies. In order for this to work, the more the drill hurts, the
sexier his fantasies have to get. If his imagination is responsive
enough, he may go through the whole procedure without feel-
ing any pain at all, and in fact he may come to regard his
dental work as a festive occasion. That is a right-now on-the-
spot way in which sex can contribute to well-being. Unfortu-
nately this does not work as well for the lower jaw as it does
for the less sensitive uppers. But it may work for other pains
besides dental, although that remains to be seen.
In closing this chapter, I would like to mention the key word
that prevents intimacy and all the well-being it can bring. This
is not a four-letter word; it has three: b-u-t. 'But' prevents
more loving than any other word in the English language, with
'if only' running second. Intimacy is very much a matter of
experiencing and enjoying what is here and now. 'But' repudi-
ates here and now, and 'if only' moves it somewhere else or
puts it off till later. 'But' means apprehension for the future,
and 'if only' means regret for the past. Good sex contributes to
well-being because it is right now. Living right now is seeing
the trees and hearing the birds sing, and it is necessary to see
the trees and hear the birds and know that the sun is out, in
order to see people's faces and hear their spirits sing and know
that the sun of their warmth is there; and that is the way to
attain intimacy. That bright here and now of the open universe
out there is what should be, before going indoors and living in
the closed here and now of each other. For those things to
happen, it is first necessary to have a clear mind to forget for
the time being all forms of tedious shuffle: shuffling papers
and shuffling people and shuffling things in your head. That is
why I asked you a long time ago whether you heard a bird sing
today, and reminded you that it isn't time that is passing, but
you who are passing through time - non-stop. And my last
word is to repeat what I said there about that. Stop! And begin
over again with the first word, which is Hi!
With this word, we bring these contemplations to a close.
For those who want more, there follow some short discussions,
Sex and Well-being or Preventive Intimacy 211
some wise sayings, and a brief appendix for behavioural scien-
tists. But for most people, it might be better to stop here.

Notes and References

1. On rats see Levine, S.: 'Stimulation in Infancy'. Scientific

American 202: 80-86, May 1960. Also 'Infantile Experience and
Resistance to Psychological Stress'. Science 126: 405, 30 August
1957. On babies, see Spitz, R.: 'Hospitalism: Genesis of Psychiatric
Conditions in Early Childhood'. Psychoanalytic Study of the Child
1: 53-74, 1945.
2. On monkeys, see Harlow, H. F., and Harlow, M. K.: 'Social
Deprivation \n Monkeys'. Scientific American 207: 136-46, Novem-
ber 1962.
3. Parents of 'battered children' were often battered children
themselves. (Personal communication, Ellen Berne, Bellevue Hos-
pital, New York City.) Cf. Silver, L. B., Dublin, C. C., and Lourie,
R. S.: 'Does Violence Breed Violence? Contributions from a
Study of the Child Abuse Syndrome'. American Journal of Psychi-
atry 126:404-7, September 1969.
4. The 1940 or 'pre-penicillin' edition of Cecil's Textbook of
Medicine (W. B. Saunders Company, Philadelphia) gives the fatality
rate in large city hospitals of Europe and America as in the neigh-
bourhood of 30 per cent, in Bellevue Hospital ranging from 30 to
almost 50 per cent, and states: 'The fatality rate in private practice
is distinctly lower than that in hospitals. This is due of course to
the fact that mild cases are treated at home, while severe ones are
sent to hospital.' It was Cecil himself who made this statement,
but I think the differential mortality could also be interpreted
according to the thesis offered in the text. Patients in private prac-
tice were obviously getting more personal attention than the patients
in the corridors of Bellevue. The death rate of alcoholics was 56
per cent. Cecil goes on to say that the patient's station in life is
significant. 'Patients in the higher walks of life, being well fed and
clothed, and usually in good physical condition, are a better risk
than those who are poor, underfed, and ill clothed.' But the 'well
fed and clothed' patients are more likely to have and be allowed
to receive visitors than the 'underfed and ill clothed' patients lying
in the corridors, so there is nothing here to challenge the interns'
212 Sex and People
conviction that personal visitors increased the survival rate. But it
was not fashionable in those days to make serious studie5 of such
matters.
5. French, J. D.: 'The Reticular Formation'. Scientific American
196: 54-60, May 1957.
6. Brownfield, C. A.: Isolation: Clinical and Experimental Ap-
proaches. Random House, New York, 1965.
7. Barnes, R. B.: 'Thermography of the Human Body'. Science
140:87~77, 24 May 1963.

8. Heron, W.: 'The Pathology of Boredom'. Scientific American

196: 52--6, January 1957.
9. Kierkegaard, S.: Fear and Trembling and Sickness Unto Death.
Anchor Books, New York, 1954.
10. According to the United Nations Demographic Yearbook for
1966, the infant mortality rate in Monaco and the Ryukyu Islands
is 10 per 1,000 live births. In Canada and the United States, it is
23. In the Republic of South Africa, it is 29 for whites, and 136
for 'coloured', the highest in the 'civilized' world except for India,
where it is estimated at 146. For a further discussion of this ethical
system, see my 'manifesto' in Transactional Analysis Bulletin
8: 7-8, January 1969.
(In 1967 the lowest rate in the world was - surprisingly - in
Papua [4.3, non-indigenous population]. The figure for the Ryukyu
Islands excludes US personnel stationed in the area, but is faulty
because it also includes live-born infants dying before registration
of birth. UN Demographic Yearbook, 1968.)
11. Senator, H., and Kaminer, S.: Health and Disease in Rela-
tion to Marriage and the Married State. Allied Book Company,
New York, 1929. Two volumes, translated by J. Dulberg from the
German original of 1904.
12. Kinsey et al. talk about health affecting sexual activity, but
have little to say about the reverse. Senator and Kaminer have over
1,200 pages on the relationship between sex, marriage, and disease,
but their conclusions, as noted, are prejudiced and unreliable. Most
interesting are the statistics they give for mortality rates in Sweden,
1881-90 (Vol. 1, p. 19). In almost every age group from 20 to 90
the death rate for single people of both sexes was significantly
higher than for married people. At many levels it was almost
double. The rate for widowed and divorced people was just about
Sex and Well-being or Preventive Intimacy 213
half-way between. In those days 'single', especially for women,
probably meant little or no sex, or at best, for a large population,
infrequent and unsatisfactory sex; and widowed or divorced meant
a period of regular sex, followed by infrequent or no sex. Accord-
ing to these assumptions, more sex meant more life, and less sex
meant more death, sometimes twice as much, so that, broadly speak-
ing, sexual abstinence was a fatal disease. (Just as a curiosity, the
lowest death rate was 4.64/ 1000 for married men of 20, and the
highest, 318.97/1000, was for bereft men of 90.)
In the absence, then, of hard research, we must fall back on
soft clinical impressions for the ensuing discussion.
13. Berne, E.: Transactional Analysis in Psychotherapy.
14. For psychiatric aspects of urological phenomena see: Smith,
D. R., and .Auerbach, A.: 'Functional Diseases', in Encyclopedia
of Urology, Springer Verlag, Berlin, 1960, Volume XII.
15. Smith, D. R.: 'Psychosomatic "Cystitis"'. Transactions of
American Association of Genito-Urinary Surgeons 53: 113-16, 1961.
This paper gives 18 references on the subject, including some on
water and electrolyte excretion.
16. Freud, S.: Complete Introductory Lectures on Psychoanalysis.
Penguin Books, Harmondsworth, 1973.
17. Symposium: 'Sudden Death during Coitus - Fact or Fiction?'
Human Sexuality 3: 22-6, June 1969.
18. Senator, H., and Kaminer, S.: op. cit.
19. Finkle, A. L.: 'The Relationship of Sexual Habits to Benign
Prostatic Hypertrophy'. Human Sexuality 2: 24--5, October 1967.
20. Time, 11 November 1969.
Part Three
Afterplay
7
Questions

a. QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

Although the lectures upon which this book is based were open
to the public, the people who came were mostly connected with
the University of California. They included (roughly in order
of age and sophistication) students f,om Berkeley and Santa
Cruz, younger technicians from the medical school, medical
students, graduate students in the social and medical sciences,
secretaries, and faculty members from Berkeley, Santa Cruz,
and the Medical School in San Francisco. They asked
many questions after each lecture, some of which may also
have occurred to the readers of this book. The answers given
here are not always quite the same as the ones originally
given.

QUESTION: What is the basic meaning of what you have

said? What have you really told us?
ANSWER: I don't think there is any basic meaning. I'm
used to thinking with a question in mind, and if there was such
a thing as 'the sexual question', I would try to answer it. But
there isn't. The question in my mind was: 'Is it possible to give
five lectures about sex without merely repeating all the trivial
or solemn or acrobatic or statistical things that many people
say on such occasions?' I hope I've succeeded to some extent.
I may have repeated some of them, but I don't think I've been
hemmed in by them. What I've really told you are my thoughts
about the subject after fifty-odd years of living and thirty-five
years of practising psychiatry, during which I've listened to
several thousand people talking in detail about their sexual
joys and sorrows. The main advantages I've had were my
training in anatomy, physiology, psychiatry, and psycho-
218 Afterplay
analysis, and the privilege of asking them any hardheaded
questions that occurred to me.
Perhaps I would settle for calling these lect:ures instructive
and thought-provoking essays rather than basic messages. But
I wouldn't be entirely happy about it, since I prefer being basic.
I think the most basic thing I said was that the feeling of
autonomy is largely an illusion, and that if we do want to live
our own lives, free of corruption, we should stop, look, and
listen, and think.
QUESTION: When you speak on this subject, do you always
find a predominance of women in the audience, the way it is
here?
ANSWER: I've never spoken on the subject before, so I
don't know. The way to test it would be to see what happened
with a female lecturer. Margaret Mead gave these lectures
some years ago. Did she have a predominance of men in the
audience?
DR Luc I A: It is possible that women are more fearful.
Their information on the subject is more 'amateur', and they
would like to know more about safety. The men seem to be
scot-free, while the women have to bear the burden of this
sublime relationship.
QUESTION: How can you account for so many laughs
from all of us on such a serious subject?
ANSWER: I'm sure I could have been so dismal about it
that nobody would have dared to laugh without my permis-
sion. But since sex is supposed to be fun, I don't see why a
lecture about it shouldn't be fun too.
QUESTION: What about perversions?
ANSWER: I'm not sure they should be called that unless
they're very nasty and hurt or humiliate people, because that's
a nasty word as it .is commonly used by righteous people.
Freud suggested 'displacements' and the dictionary defines a
perversion as an aberration, and I would prefer those words in
most cases. Animals are full of aberrations, from paramecia up
through porcupines and man, and they seem to be ready for
anything any time, although most of them prefer to fertilize a
Questions 219
heterosexual mate according to the standard operating pro-
cedure of their kind. So we should not suppose that human
beings are different because they don't have a stereotyped sex
life.
QUESTION: You imply that the real purpose of sex is im-
pregnation. If so, what about immediate gratification and the
'Wow'?
ANSWER: It's reassuring to know that it's there for pro-
creation, but most human sex is done for the Wow, and animal
sex, too, since animals probably don't know about impreg-
nation. If human beings didn't make it more complicated than
fertilization requires, there wouldn't be much to talk about.
People would, just do it for the immediate gratification, and
impregnation would follow naturally when circumstances were
right.
QUESTION: But that's why we have a population explosion
- because some people don't know that sex leads to impreg-
nation. So isn't it necessary to discuss it with them?
ANSWER: I don't believe anybody is that stupid, really.
Anthropologists used to say that some people didn't know the
connection, but I've travelled in lots of countries, including
New Guinea, and I just don't believe it. There's something else
going on. As some people say: 'If we could only send our
bright young people over there to explain to them that sex has
something to do with babies, they would use their contracep-
tives.' But it doesn't work. It's not ignorance that keeps people
from using contraceptives, and I don't believe it's poverty
either, because even if you give contraceotives away, people
won't use them if they're not inclined to. So it's neither ignor-
ance nor poverty, it's something else, something more deep-
seated. Maybe poor benighted people want to be immortal, too.
QUESTION: Do you think talking about sex is exploiting
it?
ANSWER: Maybe, but it doesn't work too well. It isn't true
that sex sells more products than anything else does. There are
an awful lot of cornflakes sold nowadays without sex, and
there are lots of other products sold without it too. I'm sure
220 Afterplay
that they outnumber the products that sex does sell. Phoney
sex ads sell phoney products, like chromy cars and soap operas.
I think the answer to the question is that you can exploit
phoney people but you can't exploit real ones.
QUESTION: How do you link economics with sex? Sex is
closely tied up with the family, and the family is an economic
unit. Is this true relationship, this economic sex?
ANSWER: I don't believe the family is an economic unit,
although it can be used as one. I don't believe real people get
married for economic reasons, although they may include
them or get married in spite of them. I have a prejudice against
the idea of the family as an economic unit; it is used by Engels,
for one, as a false premise to lead to false conclusions and
false actions. It's like the idea of culture, which to me is an
academic term that has little value except to administrators,
money-makers, and economists, and to those who want re-
search grants, but not to any living people. As far as the in-
dividual is concerned, culture is for jerks. The majority, which
is 51 per cent of people, can do pretty much as they like within
the law, and if they choose to do as everybody efae does, that's
a good way to avoid responsibility, and that's what I mean by a
jerk. And laws are not culture, because they can be made by
politicians, or even by one politician, and reversed by politi-
cians, or even by one politician. Culture in my estimation is
just an old suit of clothes that can be changed, overnight, as
shown by Hitler and Stalin and Ataturk, and the people in
Margaret Mead's village. I don't see any reason to take an old
suit of clothes seriously just because most people look serious
about it. Culture is the Emperor's old clothes, the perpetuated
errors of previous generations.
QUESTION: Why are bedroom people winners and bath-
room people losers?
ANSWER: Let's take the clearest possible situation, because
what you see there can apply to other situations. The simplest
way to study winners and losers is to play poker with them.
There is no problem there in telling which is which, no ques-
tionnaires and no research and no doubts. You only have to
Questions 221
know one thing: what they have in their pockets when they
get outside the door. Now if you're an experienced poker
player you can tell within three hands usually whether a new-
comer is a winner or a loser. He may win all three, but you still
know he's a loser, or he may lose all three and you still know
he's a winner. Here's how you tell a loser: First, he thinks
poker is a game of luck. So if he gets bad cards he gets mad
and says: 'My luck's not with me tonight.' Maybe he even
slams his cards on the table. Secondly, he If Only's and I
Shoulda's. 'If only I had stayed in,' 'If only I had gone out,' 'I
shoulda drawn three insteada two,' and so forth. Thirdly, after
the hand is finished he wants to do it over, and says : 'Let me
see the next card that I woulda got if only I'd got the next card
insteada this card.' The winners may say the same things to
be good fellows, or to con the other players, but they don't
really mean it. They know that if they lost the hand, they
played it wrong or got bad cards, that's all there is to it,
and cursing won't help. They can wait for the next hand to do
better.
A winner is a person who sets out to do something he decides
to do and gets it done if it's possible; if he doesn't get it right
the first time, he gets it right the next time. He knows that
everybody makes mistakes - except winners. He doesn't let his
Child or his Parent impair his judgement. That's why poker is
a man's game. If there's a woman in the game, all the men are
in trouble from their Child or their Parent - if they have a
Parent. What would your father say if he saw you winning
money from a woman? Even worse, what would your psy-
chiatrist say if you came and told him you had won from a
woman? You would have to spend your winnings analysing
why you did it before you could relax. So only scoundrels who
are not going to psychiatrists can win in a poker game with
women.
Another mark of a probable loser is that he uses a lot of
bathroom talk. A winner may use it occasionally, but not in
every hand. The biggest loser I ever knew, who wanted to
throw everything into the pot, including his wife and daughters
222 Afterplay
and the family ranch, talked that way all through the game,
although he was very proper at other times.
So a loser cries: 'My luck is out, if only and I shoulda.' A
winner says, 'I won't let that happen again,' and doesn't. Of
course a loser wins occasionally, but he makes sure not to keep
it, and a winner loses occasionally but he makes sure he gets it
back.
QUESTION: What's the difference between ego states and
roles?
ANSWER: An ego state is a natural phenomenon, and a
role is put on. A person can play many roles without changing
his ego state. For example, a person in a Child ego state can
play the role of either a parent, an adult, or a child. Children do
that when they play house. One:-:plays mother, one plays doc-
tor and the other plays the little girl, but all of them are in the
Child ego state. Grown-ups can do that too when they play
charades.
QUESTION: Can transactional analysis shed any light on
the occurrence of great love with great antipathy?
ANSWER: Only to analyse which ego states are involved
and how the transactions got started. Thus the Parent may
have a great affection and the Child a great antipathy based on
jealousy. Oi: the Child may love the Child in another person
and hate the Parent. Or the Child ego state itself may alternate
between the two, just as real children do. Transactionally, it
starts with Mother's ambivalence: giving food and taking it
away, pushing for bowel movements and throwing them away,
kissing the child and pushing him away. There's an enormous
psychoanalytic literature which tries to explain the origins in
early life of such ambivalence.
QUESTION: How aware do you think most people are of
which ego state they are in at any particular moment?
ANSWER: Unless they've had training or therapy in trans-
actional analysis, or thought a great deal about it, they aren't
. aware at all. So there are about three billion people in the
world who have no awareness of which ego state they are in,
and maybe a half a million who have. If the three billion be-
Questions 223
came aware overnight, then everything would get better to-
morrow morning. An easy way to do it is to listen to what's
going on in your head, and then you'll hear your three ego
states talking to each other. If everybody did stop to listen to
their own heads, they would all become beautiful people and
spread the goodies around, and that would solve a great many
of the world's problems right there.
Parent, Adult, and Child ego states were first systematically
studied by transactional analysis, and they're its foundation
stones and its mark. Whatever deals with ego states is trans-
actional analysis, and whatever overlooks them is not. So
that's why an acquaintance with that particular discipline is
necessary in,order to be aware of one's own ego states.
QUESTION: What about people who realize that they're
playing a role?
ANSWER: Realizing that you are playing a role is itself a
role. I hate that kind of talk, a paradox that swallows itself
until it disappears, but in this case it's true.
QUESTION: How do you get over playing games?
ANSWER: The first rule is to spend your time spotting your
own games instead of other people's. The second rule is to try
not playing long enough so your favourite players will realize
you have stopped and they may stop too. Then see what hap-
pens. If things go well, you'll get your reward in good pay-offs
instead of bad ones. For instance, a couple who play Uproar
and get their pay-offs through anger may discover that sex is
more fun than anger, which may be hard for them to believe
until it actually happens.
QUESTION: How can you say that kids know more about
human relations than grown-ups do when we're learning more
and more about it all the time?
ANSWER: What you're learning is more and more words
about it all the time, but kids can still spot a faker faster than a
grown-up can. Grown-ups don't have permission to look at
people or talk straight to them, but kids do have up to a certain
age. So they look right at you and you can't hide from them.
Grown-ups never look at each other for more than a few sec-
224 Afterplay
onds, except under special conditions such as playing I Can
Outstare You, or when they're in love, or in certain profes-
sional situations such as psychotherapy. If you follow your
own eye movements at any social gathering, or watch other
people's eyes, you'll see that's true. But if you want to know
about people you've got to look at them, and kids are still
allowed to do that. That's one answer.
QUESTION: What did you mean by preventive intimacy?
ANSWER: Intimacy properly handled may prevent cervical
collars, low back pain, stomach cancer, haemorrhoids, and dull
eyes. That's what I meant.
QUESTION: How long does it take a spinal cord to shrivel
up?
ANSWER: Quite a long time. At first there is a hunger for
stroking, and that goes on and on: in a baby for weeks, in a
grown-up maybe for years. Then comes a point where the per-
son gets irritable, and instead of receiving strokes gratefully he
tries,_ to avoid them and won't receive them or 'let them in'.
After that point is reached, he starts downhill, either naked on
roller skates or fighting all the way.
QUESTION: What do you have to say about strong sexual
mores and mental illness?
ANSWER: Let me tell you an anecdote about that. People
go to Tahiti and say: 'Isn't it nice, sexual freedom, and look
how healthy they are:• I know a very good reporter who went
to Thailand and said the same thing. Well, if you want to
know about mental health, you find out first about mental ill-
ness, and the mental hospital is the place to do that. Now, if
you go down the street a mile from sexual freedom in Papeete,
you'll find the mental hospital there. And in that hospital
you'll find about the same percentage of mentally ill people
and exactly the same mental illnesses as in any other place in the
world, including New York and California. And if you stand
in the dandy dance hall in Bangkok and look across the river,
you'll see the mental hospital there. And in that hospital are
the same percentage of mentally ill people suffering from
exactly the same mental illnesses as anywhere else.
Questions 225
If you really want to be fooled you can go to any small
island in the Fijis, like Rotuma, and you'll find no mental
illness there at all, and isn't that nice? But if you go to the
mental hospital in Suva, you'll find all the mentally ill people
from Rotuma, because that is where they were shipped. And
the same goes for wild New Guinea and exuberant Africa
and puritan Russia and China. So the answer to that question
is that sexual mores in my experience have very little direct
bearing on mental illness. Sexual conscience can get people
upset, but that's an individual matter. As a matter of fact, the
word 'mores' I think only applies to very small societies such
as villages, and is often misused, or at least used to avoid
finding out what's really going on, which is individual parental
programming.
QUESTION: If your spinal cord is going to shrivel up with-
out sensory stimulation, why not use hallucinogenic drugs?
ANSWER: Because then you may shrivel up your brain in-
stead of your spinal cord. Ovid knew that 2,000 years ago.
Also the stimulation should come from outside. Many people
who come down from a heavy marijuana habit will agree to
that. Drugs are instead of people.
QUESTION: You described the satisfied female. What mani-
festations do you see in the satisfied male?
ANSWER: His step is springy, his eyes sparkle, and his chil-
dren laugh merrily.
QUESTION: How about going to a chiropractor to keep
your spinal cord from shrivelling up?
ANSWER: I don't like chiropractors. H. L. Mencken said
they should be encouraged, because in a welfare state the only
method of natural selection left is chiropractors, so he fav-
oured letting the people who want to go to them.
QUESTION: How do you explain the bounce and spring of
a man who doesn't have a girl friend?
ANSWER: I don't know, but imagine what he would be like
if he did have a girl friend.
QUESTION: Jn most of what you say you must be kidding.
Are you ever serious?
226 Afterplay
ANSWER: All my kidding is serious if you can read it right
QUESTION: Aren't you rather arrogant?
ANSWER: I act arrogant only when I feel humble because
I'm not sure what I'm talking about. It's more fun to be that
way. It's more fun for me to come on arrogant than humble,
and it's more fun for the listener, because then he feels free to
criticize. After all, you can't criticize a humble man. You
either bow your head or crucify him, and I'm not ready for
either of those.
QUESTION: You 'put down' a lot of books. What books do
you recommend?
ANSWER: See the following section.

b. A SELECTED LIST OF BOOKS

Interestingly enough, the best sex b'ook, as valid for San Fran-
cisco and London as for ancient Rome, was written 2,000
years ago. It deals not with special titillations but with practi-
cal problems of everyday life: where to go to meet girls, how
to start a conversation with them, how to keep them interested,
and how to get by with limited funds. And beyond that, it deals
with something that may be even more important: how to fall
out of love with them if you're rejected. It also has a section on
how to be sociable rather than athletic in bed, ,and one for
women on how to improve their appearance.
The Art of Love, by Publius Ovidius Naso (43 B.c.E.-18 A.D.),
called Ovid. Written 1 B.C.E. Translated by Rolfe Humphries.
Indiana University Press, Bloomington, 1957. Paperback.
Regarding drugs, Ovid says:
'Philtres are senseless, too, and dangerous; girls have gone ·
crazy, given a dose in disguise; philtres can damage the brain.
Let unholy things be taboo. If you want her to love you, be a
lovable man; a face and figure won't do ... That's not enough,
you will find; add some distinction of mind.' Which seems like
very sound advice.
Next in line are the works of Havelock Ellis, which tell in a
Questions 227
readable and poignant way the many variations of sexual be-
haviour and the different factors that affect it. His case his- 1
tories, many of them autobiographical, are as touching as Vic-
torian novels, and his comments are learned, fascinating, and
reliable. He is human, not solemn or pedantic, and he has the
added advantage of being educational and intellectually stimu-
lating, since he cites many classical and medieval writers.
Studies in the Psychology of Sex, by Havelock Ellis. Written
in 1898-1908. Seven volumes conveniently bound in two vol-
umes by Random House, New York, 1940.
For those who are interested in the early development of the
sexual instincts, Freud's book on this subject closely followed
and drew from the work of Ellis, so that Freud's boldness set
Europe in ~n uproar just as Ellis's had done to England. It is
difficult reading, however, with words like 'phylogenetic' and
'ontogenetic', and the translations tend to be clumsy in their
attempts to stick to the precise meaning and flavour of the
original. But it is worth exploring to see what was going on in
those days when sex and psychoanalysis were still unpopular
subjects with most people.
Three Essays on the Theory of Sexuality, by Sigmund
Freud. Written in 1905. Published as Three Contributions to
the Theory of Sex. E. P. Dutton & Company, New York.
Paperback, Hogarth Press, London, 1962.
In order to get a clearer idea of the psychoanalytic approach
to sex, Ferenczi's essays are much easier reading.
Sex and Psycho-Analysis, by Sandor Ferenczi. Written 1906-
1914. Dover Publications, New York, 1957. Paperback.
This book also contains papers on other psychoanalytic sub-
jects, but the articles on impotence, masturbation, male homo-
sexuality, and especially the one on obscene words, give a good
view of psychoanalytic thinking on these matters.
So much for older works. Those who need reassurance or
justification, or want to satisfy their curiosity about the habits
of their betters or worsers, will want to look through the two
chief works of Kinsey and his associates :
Sexual Behavior in the Human Male, by Alfred C. Kinsey,
228 Afterplay
Wardell B. Pomeroy, and Clyde E. Martin. W. B. Saunders
Company, Philadelphia and London, 1948, and Sexual Be-
havior in the Human Female, by the same authors plus Paul
H. Gebhard, from the same publisher, 1953.
The most valuable and important parts of these books, how-
ever, are the first 153 pages (Part I) of the book on males, and
the first 97 pages (Part I) of the book on females. These sec-
tions describe the methods and problems involved in this type
of research, and show how unreliable most numerical studies
of sexual matters are. Kinsey's group interviewed 12,000
people and plans eventually to interview 88,000 more. They
show clearly why statistical studies of smaller numbers are of
little value, and help to nourish a healthy attitude of scepticism
in the reader so that he will hopefully lose confidence in statis-
tics about fewer than 1,000 people. This will keep him from
entertaining erroneous beliefs which he might get from reading
other statistics about sex based on small numbers of people.
But it should disillusion him only about over-eager statis-
ticians and their computers, however, and not about serious
thinkers, who can deal very ably with smaller numbers or draw
valid conclusions from a single case. In order to get a broader
understanding of wha,t is going on with sex nowadays, he
might want to know about sexual customs and practices in vari-
ous parts of the world and among higher animals, as well as
the physiological factors that influence sexual behaviour. For
that he should read:
Patterns of Sexual Behaviour, by Clellan S. Ford and Frank
A. Beach. From lectures delivered in 1949. Eyre & Spottis-
woode, London, 1955.
This book deals with sexual behaviour in 190 human soci-
eties and a large number of primate and other mammalian
groups.
A fascinating book about the sex lives of animals all the way
up the scale from the simplest cells through worms, insects,
fish. birds, and us people, has been translated from the Ger-
man.
The Sex Life of the Animals, by Herbert Wendt. Translated
Questions 229
by Richard and Clara Winston. First published in 1962. Simon
& Schuster, New York, 1965.
This is by far the most readable book on the subject, and here
is where you will learn that although snails look dull, they
have more fun than anybody because they are hermaphrodites
and have simultaneous double sex (which may be called 138,
165, or 192, depending on how you look at it).
Then there is a book which summarizes a lot of the findings
about human sex, together with a lot of other 'scientifically
established' facts about human social behaviour and human
behaviour in general.
Human Behavior, an Inventory of Scientific Findings, by
Bernard Berelson and Gary A. Steiner. Harcourt, Brace &
World, New York, 1964.
Some of the findings are pretty dull, but there are a few
surprises, and it is nice to have everything in one place.
The main thing about all these books is that they are re-
liable, and anyone who reads them can be as sure of his ground
as it is possible to be in the present stage of our knowledge.
They were all written by conscientious people of superior
knowledge and intelligence, and some of them are quite
lively.
The more clinical details of what happens during sexual
intercourse should be of interest only to gynaecologists,
urologists, anatomists, physiologists, endocrinologists, zoolo-
gists, and pyschiatrists, ·since they are the people best equipped
to evaluate them. But a lot of other people would like to
know about them too, for good or bad reasons. They are
graphically described in:
Human Sexual Response, by William H. Masters and Vir-
ginia E. Johnson. Churchill, London, 1966. .
If you don't know what the origins and insertions of the
Ischiocavernosus muscle are, or what a bilateral salpingo-
oophorectomy is, you will not really understand what these
authors are saying.
None of the above books, however, will really tell you what's
happening to you sexually, or what you can or should do
230 Afterplay
about it, if anything. What you need for that are some practi-
cal manuals. There are large numbers of these, many of them
pretentious, sentimental, or sensational, and some of them in-
accurate. The best plan is to choose books by reliable people,
not all of whom may turn you on, but who will at least give
you the correct answers where there are any. Starting with the
sexual interests and development of childhood and adoles-
cence, there are two good books: one about just sex, the other
about how early sexuality fits into the life course of the in-
dividual in his society.
The Normal Sex Interests of Children, by Frances Bruce
Strain. Appleton-Century-Crofts, New York, 1948.
This is a rather elementary book, mainly slanted towards
schoolteachers.
Childhood and Society, by Erik H. Erikson. Published 1950.
Revised edition, London, Penguin Books, 1969.
This gives a revised theory of infantile sexuality that is more
understandable and useful than that of Freud, who was the
pioneer in this field. But Erikson goes much farther than in-
fancy and shows how sexuality, among other items, fits into
the sense of identity and the eight stages cf psychological de-
velopment in man, with particular emphasis on youth.
For girls, there is a very sensitive book by an experienced
psychoanalyst :
The Psychology of Women, by Helene Deutsch.. Volume I.
Girlhood. Grune & Stratton, New York, 1944. Volume II,
Motherhood, is equally valuable.
Unfortunately, there are no books of equal calibre for Boy-
hood and Fatherhood. Sorry about that. A book edited by
Hanns Reich, Children and Their Fathers (Fountain Press,
London, 1965) may be helpful, though.
Interestingly enough, there are more books about contract
bridge than about contraception. Probably the best book on
this subject:
Birth Control with Love, by Alan Guttmacher. Revised edi-
tion Collier-Macmillan, New York, 1969.
Dr Guttmacher is a man of impeccable qualifications in his
Questions 231
speciality of obstetrics and gynaecology (Johns Hopkins, Mount
Sinai Hospital, Harvard), and from him you can be sure that
you are getting the best and last word on the subject. He in-
cludes a section on impregnation and birth.
A marriage manual by a husband and wife who were con-
cerned for many years about problems of fertility, contracep-
tion, and the enjoyment of marriage is called:
A Marriage Manual, by Hannah and Abraham Stone (re-
vised edition). Simon & Schuster, New York, 1952.
This is recommended because the Stones are both reliable
and experienced people of sound scientific background.
Square swingers can keep up with the latest developments in
their fields through the girls' magazine, Cosmopolitan, and the
boys' maga'zine, Playboy. Older people can find useful though
slightly prissy information in:
Everything You Always Wanted to Know about Sex, by
David Reuben, M.D. David McKay Company, New York,
1969.
If you have questions which are too far out to be answered
by any of the titles given above, you may find what you want
in Dr Schoenfeld's interesting collection of questions and an-
swers from the old Berkeley Barb.
Dr Hip Pocrates, by Eugene Schoenfeld. Penguin Books,
Harmondsworth, 1973.
Anyone who has read carefully this short list of fewer than
20 books can consider that he or she is exceptionally well in-
formed in the field of sex - historically, theoretically, and
practically.
And a final word, on the subject of pornography. This comes
in three varieties.
(1) Literary realism (Joyce's Ulysses, Roth's Portnoy's Com-
plaint). This includes books worth reading for themselves,
which happen to contain sexual scenes.
(2) Erotica (found nowadays in reputable bookstores). These
come as paperbacks with well-designed jackets and evocative
titles. Their purpose is erotic stimulation of a reasonably
healthy variety, buried with at least a pretence of style in some
232 Afterplay
sort of plausible plot. Evergreen magazine belongs about half
way between (1) and (2).
(3) Filth (found in cigar stores that sell racing forms). This
comes in paperbacks with plain covers and titles that are either
common street slang or low-grade puns. They are often proc-
toscopic and are usually bummers.
8
A Man of the World

Both Cyprian St Cyr, mentioned in the Foreword, and his

friend Dr Horseley pride themselves upon being men of the
world. Some of their paragraphs and short sayings are worth
recording here. But these are like after-dinner mints, to be
taken a few at a time, and not all at once.

1
a. LOVE AND MARRIAGE

What happens is more interesting than how things are made,

and how things grow is more interesting than what happens.
Thus a mystery story tells how a plot is constructed, while a
novel tells what really happened. But a Russian novel tells how
people grow, and that is why Tolstoy and Dostoyevsky are the
men to beat. In the same way, sexual intercourse is more in-
teresting than sex organs, and the growth of an orgasm more
gripping than sexual intercourse.

*
Stendhal tells us of the crystallization of love in a French
and romantic way, where men and women have no freedom
from watchers, and deception is the order of the day. The
Song of Solomon tells us how a king can love a slave. But in
our times and places, where selection is the problem, and not
deception or confinement, it goes differently. Let a man visit
an art gallery every Sunday, and this is what will happen.
First, he sees her for the first time, standing and moving,
and he thinks, 'Maybe this is it.' That feeling already makes life
worth while, and if he has too many doubts he should go no
farther than to glimpse her face, so that he can regret it
sweetly for the rest of his life.
234 Afterplay
But if he dares the possible disappointment of talking to her,
he may end up knowing, 'This could be it.'
After that, when he is alone, he starts to dream about seeing
her again.
When he does see her again, he wants to be with her all the
time.
He starts being with her all the time, and then he need no
longer have dreams, for his life has become one.
Then come the first quarrels, the partings and reunions, for
they cannot bear it long apart, and the only question is which
will stop sulking first.
Then they move in with each other, married or unmarried,
and between lovings they quarrel about money.
Twenty years later they are inseparable. Their love has
been tamed into an affection that will unite them till the
grave.
When at long last one goes to the grave, the other soon
follows.

*
~ These, then, are the states of sexual bliss.
~ First, looking and hoping sweet hopes.
~ Then seeing and testing in delicious anticipation.
~ Then the conquest with its glorious sighs.
~ After that comes certainty and confidence, with its smug
feelings of superiority when other·· men throw her admiring
glances, or even more perceptive strangers bow to her or tip
their hats in her direction.
The final stage of paradise, unknown even to Dante, is when
there is not only certainty, but a guarantee from what has gone
on previously, of the highest possible degree of sensuousness,
response, and surrender, the attainment of the unattainable.
This guarantee gives such an ineffable splendour of anticipa-
tion to whatever goes before, the dinner, the concert, or the
starlight by the sea, that even the admiring glances of other
men become irrelevant, and the whole evening is like a warm
and gentle flight towards the interior of a golden magnet where
A Man of the World 235
you will be borne high over the earth on blue flames of
pleasure.

•
Marriage is six days of excitement, and the world's record
for sex.
Five more weeks of getting to know each other, fencing,
lunging, and pulling back, finding each other's weaknesses, and
then the games begin.
After six months, each one has made a decision. The honey-
moon is over, and marriage or divorce begins - until further
notice.
..
When a man meets a married couple, he too often thinks,
'What could she do for me?' instead of 'What is she doing for
him?' If they have love, why look for beauty, brains, or sex, or
the sordid pleasantries of money?

*
Middle-class husbands are like appliances. They come with a
manual of instructions which you are supposed to read before
you instal them. They are guaranteed by the Church and Good
Housekeeping, but the guarantee is void if you don't follow the
instructions. There are maintenance manuals on every news-
stand telling you how to keep them oiled properly. And when
you have worn one out, madam, you can turn him in for a
good price at the courthouse, after which you can stop worry-
ing and send your clothes to the laundry. Then you will have
plenty of free tiine on your hands, which you can use to sit
around the house and bite your nails.
Middle-class wives are also like appliances. They come with
a manual of instructions you are supposed to read before you
instal them. They are guaranteed by the Church and Good
Housekeeping, but the guarantee is void if you don't follow the
instructions. There are maintenance manuals on every news-
stand, telling you how to keep them oiled properly. The differ-
236 Afterplay
ence is that instead of your wearing her out, sir, she wears you
out, and instead of your turning her in and getting part of
your money back, she turns you in and you have to keep up
the payments. What kind of washing machine is that? No
wonder some men prefer the laundromat.

•
The best age for a bachelor is thirty-nine. He is neither too
old for the interesting young ones, nor too young for the in-
teresting old ones. It may come as a surprise - an unwelcome
or even a distasteful one - to people under thirty to learn that
some of the sexiest women are fifty. As anyone who reads a
novel by an under-thirty can see, sex between people over forty
is considered improper and in bad taste. But the over-forties
know that the young are too cocky and forget that a mile run
covers more· ground than four 220-yard sprints.

•
To every action there can be an equally happy reaction. Mr
Tolstoy had his roof built by Zenith Builders and his ceiling
painted by Superior Paint Company, and used deodorants
while listening to his hi-fi. Was he really happier than Mr
Shortstoy, who had his foundation laid by Nadir Concrete and
his floor varnished by Inferior Paint Company, and used odor-
ants while listening to his low-fi? Does a dwarf ,giant ham-
burger really taste better than a giant dwarf hamburger, as the
industry would have us believe?

•
What you agree on is easy. Find out what you disagree on,
what his demands will be, and what he will do if you don't
meet them. You don't really know him until you've seen him
angry.

•
In a divorce you are attending your own funeral with your
lawyer officiating. There is really nothing you can do. Let him
A Man of the World 237
take charge, and play it cool like a good corpse should. It will
be easier for you to come back to life after the wake is over.

"'
A woman sitting in a short skirt must perpetually classify
men out of the corner of her eye, and that is her hell. There
are those who avert their gazes when they talk to her. These
are scared or hard to get. There are those who look boldly at
her thighs, the frankly sexual; and those who steal looks slyly,
the dirty young men. There are those who look only at her
face, the ones who don't need her. Then there are the ones
who look first at her face and then at her thighs, and for them
she is a person first and a sexual object after that.
Those who look away can be seduced, the bold used, the sly
humiliated, the respectful respected, and the last loved. All this
is noted by her and decided without a word or even a glance in
return, and she has known it all since childhood if she is a real
woman. If she puts her coat over her knees, then she is waiting
for something or somebody, or trying to make up her mind
about some trouble; in that case she does not need nor want his
glances, and the man has known this since childhood if he is a
real man.

"'
Women and their mysterious ways. Griping and nagging
and then knitting you a sweater and cooking your favourite
chicken. Saying they will not stay with you another day, and
then if you say, 'My, you look beautiful this morning!' they
will stay with you forever. But once you are truly bound to-
gether by children, all this is less important, and then what?

"'
The most common game played by women runs as follows.:
'Do you promise not to kiss me?'
'I promise.'
She wins either way. If he kisses her, he has broken his word
and is no better than all the others. If he doesn't, she can say to
238 Afterplay
herself. 'That wishy-washy eunuch didn't even try to kiss
me.'

•
The man who is loved by a woman is lucky indeed, but the
one to be envied is he who loves, however little he gets in
return. How much greater is Dante gazing at Beatrice than
Beatrice walking by him in apparent disdain.

•
If all else fails, here is a cantrap that will always work.
'The thrice multiplied panegyrics of all the lovers of eternity
would but half describe your charms. The ten thousand joys of
a thousand perfumed nights rolled into a doeskin bag would be
but a mulberry compared to the Arcadian pomegranate of
pleasure which could be kissed in one fleeting moment from
your lips.'
If she doesn't appreciate that, she won't appreciate anything
else you have to offer, and you are better off without her. If
she laughs (appreciatively) you are at least half-way there. But
then the other half is up to you, and you will have to come up
with something better for an encore. That is the way it is With
all cantraps.

•
An orgasm is like a rocket ride. First the ascent, then the
blackout, and after that the burst of light as the golden apple
turns into the golden sun and azure skies with the white clouds
below. Then there is a glorious descent with a slow parachute
until the earth appears below, streams and meadows or a city
street. You slowly touch and bounce up again, invisible to the
tranquil cattle by the stream or the busy passers-by. Then you
slowly touch once more, and then the afterglow and the deep
refreshing sleep. It is Maireja the nectar of ecstasy that comes
from Adhumbla or Sabala, the magic cow that gives you e\1efY-
thing you want, which bursts into your mind like Tchintamani,
A Man of the World 239
the glowing jewel of all wishes. But, say the elders, all this is
for us, since you might appreciate it too much.

b. SHORT SA YIN GS

The sooner you make new friends, the sooner you'll have old
ones.
•
The obstetricians say that menstruation is the weeping of a
disappointed uterus.•
•
Knowing that Santa Claus is just Father is the beginning of
wisdom. Knowing that your husband is just Santa Claus, so
that you don't expect him to be real or there every night, is the
end.
•
Real apples have worms, so you want golden ones. Well, do
you like golden worms?
•
Your body is your friend. Don't treat it like an enemy.

•
If you can't see what's in front of your eyes, find out what's
behind them, as Amaryllis used to say.

•
If you take away the big words and the solemn face, there is
still plenty left, so there is no need to be scared.

•
•Ew: Garbage!
240 Afterplay
Be willing to happen to somebody, and somebody will hap-
pen to you.

•
The trouble with a disagreeable wife is that she makes you
angry. The trouble with an agreeable wife is that she makes
you think instead.

•
With drugs you experience everything and understand noth-
ing.

•
Some people look for anxiety like pigs look for truffles.

•
His mind was filled with hate and sex because he had no
love.

•
There are no problems, only indecisions.

•
It is harder to give up failure than success.

•
The pube is the eternal triangle.

•
If you don't know which girl to choose, let someone else
choose, and then choose the same one.

•
He tied a bunch of carrots to his head so he would have
something to look forward to. He always did the right thing:
he was even born on Labour Day.
•
A Man of the World 241
According to the words of Bhagavant, women enchain men
in eight ways: Dancing, Singing, Playing, Laughing, Weeping,
and by their Appearance, their Touch, and their Questions.

•
Venereal disease is sordid because it is always second-hand.
There is no such thing as a brand-new crab. Even if you
acquire it in the highest quarters, and wear it like a badge of
honour, its genealogy will soon disillusion you as it plunges to
the most ignoble depths.

*
[Link] had his soul turned to stone by Medusa's head
will be Medusa's slave for life.

*
Women look at the trees, and men look at the forest. Men
build, and women furnish.

*
Where there is a hare and a tortoise, it is best to be a winning
hare.

*
The most disastrous attitude for a woman is: I need a man,
but you're not good enough. Either don't be that anxious, or
take what comes.

*
It is easy to tell the courting couple from the married one.
The courting couple keep their faces taut while they listen to
each other, and answer 'You .. .' The married couple are re-
laxed, and answer 'I ... ' not from ego but from uneasiness or
ease.

*
Filial obedience. Her mother told her to be careful and wear
242 Afterplay
her rubbers so she wouldn't get her feet wet. She also told her
to drop dead. So like a good girl, she wore her rubbers when
she dropped off the bridge.

*
Freud knew the answers. If you don't understand something
about sex, don't say it's awful or mysterious. Look it up in
Freud.

*
The reason so much is written about sex is that it was in-
vented to happen and not to be described. Thus you can safely
remember what went before, but in remembering an orgasm
you spoil it. Those who want to remember don't really have
one. A remembered orgasm is like a pie with a slice out of it,
which someone has put aside to take home for a souvenir.

*
No man is a hero to his wife's psychiatrist.

*
Men like to be more masculine than the person they are
with. So do some women.

*
Dating bureaus offer dehydrated friendships. Add a little
moisture and you have plastic sex. Manufactured sex is not as
good as the home-made variety.

*
Here are some colours of different people's orgasms: cham-
pagne, all colours and white and grey afterwards, red and blue,
green, beige and blue, red, blue and gold. Some people never
make it because they are trying for plaid.

*
A Man of the World 243
Some men are like snowmen. You build up an image of
them and then it melts away.

•
Since fighting and sex didn't mix too well, they gave up
sex.

•
Both are in trouble if she interrupts love-making to pull
some hairs out of his chest and tell him her troubles. She is
neurotic, and he has married one.

•
'I'd like to lay her' (with the implication that she wouldn't
let him) is blaming her for his own unattractiveness or im-
potence.

•
Uneasy women treat life like a boxing match. They lead
with their breasts, their bottoms, their vaginas, or their brains,
and always they feint.

•
A man's working effectiveness often depends on the phases
of his wife's menstrual cycle.

•
In a car you remember incidents. On foot, you are part of
them. A car is passing through; walking is being there. That is
the difference between sex and loving.

•
Havelock Ellis confirmed: If you want to know next year's
styles in women's clothes, look at this year's prostitutes.

•
Something not all women know about clothes and men.
244 Afterplay
When a skirt conceals two or more different colours, such as
stockings, legs, and other things, sex begins where the colour
changes, and grows where it changes again.

*
Unadorned spaghetti tastes pretty much the same all over.
It's the sauce that makes the difference.

*
Romance is when a woman has woman-power over a man,
and to the delight of both of them, becomes more important to
him than other things.

*
Never return early, because good-bye is a promise that you
won't.

*
Some men become impotent because they are overwhelmed
by sheer overwork; others, because they are underwhelmed by
sheer underwork.

*
One sign that a man's youth is going is hair growing out of
his ears. A more reliable one is when he talks about money
instead of women at the lunch table.

*
Sex should be a treat for all the senses: sight, sound, smell,
taste, temperature, and touch. Don't knock it until you try it.
It's like money. If you don't have it, you're likely to be un-
happy until you do. But once you have it, what you do with it
is much more important than how much you have, and how
you use it reveals what kind of person you are.
A Man of the World 245

C. THE SAD ONES

Men drifted into her vagina and out again, without her getting
to know them or them her.
After her trip to Kinseyland, she settled down on the Island
of Monogamy.
Alive, millions claimed her every day. Dead, her body lay in
the morgue unclaimed for many days.

*
Life is simple. All you have to do is figure out the most
probable outcomes of various courses of conduct, and then
pick the most attractive or the least troublesome. Only if you
want certainty does it become difficult, because that you cannot
have. Sometimes it amounts to deciding which of the things
you don't want to do you should go ahead with. For example,
each day a man may have to decide whether he would rather
have his testicles cut off or his brain washed.

*
It is easier to sell people death than life, hence insurance
salesmen can be more honest than those .who sell encyclo-.
pedias.

*
What to do about death? Finish everything and then wait
for it like a rotting log? Or leave some things unfinished and
die with regrets? The art of living is to walk the earth like a
· prince, scattering apples wherever you go. The art of dying is
to finish your own apple just at the right moment to say, 'I am
content, the rest are for you to enjoy at my wake.'

d. FINAL RAP

Irresponsible love is an ego trip. If you love mankind but don't

dig real cats and chicks, you're loving from your own con-
246 Afterplay
tainer. Loving responsibility is real rapping. You've got to get
out of the love bag and torque in to the real world of loving.
There's plenty of balling on a violence trip, but it doesn't
cancel out. If you're freaked out, a groovy smile is only a
toothpaste ad. You've got to flip in to look and love what's
really there, and that's what's beautiful. What you do after the
ball is over is what counts.
A star is the glowing light inside the other person, dis-
' tantly seen, brave soul's tiny flame, too bright to approach with-
out great courage and integrity. Each person lives alone in
inner space, and intimacy is out there. Intimacy is outer space,
and if that's where you are, you don't say 'Cuff you!' to a
star.
Appendix:
The Classification of Human Relationships

a. INTRODUCTION

Structural analysis - the analysis of the human personality

into Parent, Adult, and Child ego states - offers a consistent
theoretical basis for classifying human relationships, both
logically and empirically.
Psychoanalytic theory deals with mechanisms and drives
and clarifies the nature of transference relationships, but it
does not offer a systematic classification which can be applied
outside of the treatment situation. Anthropological classifica-
tions deal with formal, contractual, and blood relations within
the clan, gens, or tribe. The legal classification is a pragmatic
one, designed to clarify matters of rights, injunctions, and sanc-
tions. None of these offers a consistent, convincing, or com-
prehensive classification of informal relations as they occur in
daily living, nor is any of them psychologically cogent and
precise enough to have predictive value in such situations. Pre·
diction is one of the chief aims and values of the structural
and transactional approach.
In the text of this book (Chapter 4), we have dealt reduct-
ively with observed phenomena, reducing complex sets of ob-
servations to simple diagrams. An a priori logical approach
enables us to set up a consistent and systematic set of models
with which living transactions can be compared. The discus-
sion here will be confined to dyadic relationships, those be-
tween two people, although the theory is amply generous
enough to include more if desired. When the number of in-
dividuals involved is great enough to form a party, group, or
organization, new elements appear, and such social aggrega-
tions (strictly speaking, aggregations of more than two people)
248 Appendix
have been dealt with in a previous work.* The present classifi-
cation, therefore, is intended to fill in the gap between indi-
vidual psychology and the psychology of groups by dealing
with two-handed relationships.

b. TYPES OF RELATIONSHIPS

I. Simple Direct Relationships. Simple direct relatibnships are

those which involve only one active ego state in each person.
An inspection of Figure 15 (which is the same as Figure 2)
shows that there are nine such relationships possible, and that

The Relationship Diagram

Figure 15

*The Structure and Dynamics of Organizations and Groups. J.B. Lippin-

cott Company, Philadelphia, 1963, and Grove Press, New York, 1966. This
has also been published in German by Rowohlt Verlag, Hamburg, 1969.
The Classification of Human Relationships 249
they are of two types : those in which the vectors go straight
across, and those in which they are slanted.
A relationship in which the vectors go straight across is
called a Symmetrical Relationship. Here each party exhibits the
same ego state, so that they are on an equal basis, with a
bilaterally reciprocal contract.
One in which the vectors are slanted is called an Asym-
metrical Relationship. Here each party exhibits a different ego
state, so that they are not on an equal basis, and the contract is
skewed. It is evident from the diagram that there are three
possible symmetrical relationships (1, 5, 9) and six possible
asymetrical ones (2, 3, 4, 6, 7, 8).
A family offers easily understood illustrations of both types.
Schematicilly at least, the two parents are in a symmetrical
relationship with each other, and in an asymmetrical relation-
ship with their children. This .statement offers an immediate
yield on the hypothesis that if both clauses are not true in a
given case, 'something is wrong', and it supplies a basic posi-
tion from which to pursue investigation. Note that the equality
is not a social or occupational one, but a psychological or
transactional one. The same position can also be used to in-
vestigate secondary questions, such as : under what conditions
is it beneficial for a husband and wife to have an asymmetrical
relationship? Under what conditions is it deleterious for par-
ents and children to have a symmetrical relationship?
For a clearer understanding, let us now survey the diagrams
in Figure 16, which represent the nine possible simple rela-
tionships between family members.

a .. BETWEEN HUSBAND (H) AND WIFE (W.)

SYMMETRICAL RELATIONSHIPS (S)
1. (P-P). This represents two parents · functioning as
parents. (Parents)
5. (A-A). This represents the same individuals as husband
and wife, solving a practical problem. (Spouses)
H w H w
Parenta(S) Spousea(S)
Figure 16 (1) P·P Figure 16 (5) A·A

H w H w
Lovera(S) Bolater(A)
Figure 16 (9) C·C Figure 16 (2) P-A

S=Symmetrical A=Asymmetrical
0
w
0
H w
Comforter (A) Teacher(A)
Figure 16 (3) P·C Figure 16 (6) A·C

p 0 p 0

Co-workers (S) Playmates (S)

Figure 18 (5) A·A Figure 18 (9) C·C
d·:> (L) 91. eJn61:1
(y) IS!JIB!'l:>~si ,Pll'IO,

:>·Y (9) 91. eJn61:1 :>·d (&) 91. eJnll1:1

(y) JOS!APY (y) :>!llJO
The Classification of Human Relationships 253
9. (C-C). This represents them as lovers or playmates.
(Lovers)

ASYMMETRICAL RELATIONSHIPS (A)

2. (P-A). This represents the husband encouraging the
wife in a practical task. (Bolster-Worker)
3. (P-C). This represents the husband comforting the
wife. (Comforter-Bothered)
6. (A-C). This represents the husband teaching the wife
a new task which she is afraid of or resents. (Teacher-
Pupil)
The remaining three vectors (4, 7, 8) are the in-
vetses of these.

b. BETWEEN PARENTS (P) AND OFFSPRING (0)

SYMMETRICAL RELATIONSHIPS (S)
5. (A-A). This represents a child and a parent working
as equals. (Co-workers)
9. (C-C). This represents a parent playing with a child
at the child's level. (Playmates)
1. (P-P). May also occur, as in families where the oldest
child replaces an absent parent.

ASYMMETRICAL RELATIONSHIPS (A)

3. (P-C). This represents a parent encouraging, criticizing,
or disciplining an offspring. (Parent-Child)
6. (A-C). This represents a parent advising or teaching a
child. (Teacher-Pupil)
7. (C-P). This represents a troubled parent asking com-
fort from a child. (Bothered-Comforter)
2. (P-A). Is the same as between husband and wife.
The other two relationships (4, 8) are rare or
anomalous.

Two children can have any of the nine possible relationships

254 Appendix
with each other, three symmetrical (which may in this case be
called twin relationships) and six asymmetrical (which may in
this case be called older-younger sibling relationships).
Thus, in all, the following sets of simple dyadic relationships
are possible in a family with two children: 9 between husband
and wife; 9 between father and each child; 9 between mother
and each child; and 9 between the two children; a total of 36
possibilities, each easily recognizable, and each with a different
implication. Triadic or three-handed relationships in such a
family can be analysed just as systematically and rigorously
and profitably, the difficulties being purely schematic. The
same applies to quadratic relationships.
This gives the complete array of simple relationships, which
can be easily transferred to social relations outside the family.
II. Simple Indirect Relationships. A simple indirect relation-
ship is one in which only a single active ego state is exhibited
by each party, but this exhibition is preceded by an internal
dialogue involving another ego state. Examples of this have
been given in the text under Respect, Admiration, and Lech-
ery. In respect, there is first an internal dialogue between the
Child and Adult before the Adult behaviour is released; in
admiration, there is a consultation between the Adult and the
Child before the Child is released; and in lechery, a head trans-
action between Parent and Child, by-passing the Adult and
urging the Child to go ahead. These are represented in the
diagrams in Figure 17. Such situations are techni~ally called
'programming'. Figure 17A represents a Child-programmed
Adult, Figure 17B an Adult-programmed Child, and Figure
17C a Parent-programmed Child.
III. Compound Relationships. A compound relationship is
one which requires more than two active ego states to sustain
it. These are the more intimate and enduring relations of
human living. Family relationships must be compound if they
are to survive. In the family analysis given above, we have
broken down what are actually, over any long period, com-
pound relationships into a series of simple ones which might
exist for brief periods.
The Classification of Human Relationships 255
Companionship, friendship, and intimacy are compound re-
lationships which have been described in the text. The
ego states of the two parties will shift under the impact of
varying circumstances, so that in the long run all six of
them will be exhibited at one time or another. Compound
relationships may also be direct, or indirect with internal
consultation.

C. DISCUSSION

To illustrate the value of this classification, two examples of

predictive statements can be offered.
A. Simple relationships, both direct and indirect, tend to pro-
ceed smoothly until exhausted. People at parties can deplore
together (P-P,1), compare together (A-A,5), flirt together (C--C,
9), or console (P--C,3). They can do any of these smoothly and
indefinitely until the active ego states are exhausted, and then
the participants separate. Over a longer period, people can
work together in an office (A-A,5) smoothly and without inci-
dent, year after year, but they are usually glad each evening
when quitting time comes. Incidents occur only when the re-
lationship becomes compound by the intrusion of some ego
state other than the contractual Adult-Adult ones.
The following example is instructive. A 'leaderless group'
met weekly for well-motivated intellectual discussion. Things
went smoothly for about a year, but then the members began to
get restive, although they wanted the meetings to continue.
The transactional consultant they came to saw little possibility
of the group surviving under the current simple Adult-to-Adult
contract. He first recommended that they find a strong leader,
but they didn't want to do that. He then suggested that they
turn it into an 'encounter' group, which meant changing the
contract so as to permit exhibitions of Parental and Child ego
states. This changed the relationships of the members from
simple to compound, and the group survived for another year
until new types of difficulties arose from the 'encounters', as
8
Child-programmed Adult Adult-programmed Child
Respect Admiration
Flgure17A Flgure17B

Parent-programmed Child
Lechery
Figure17C
The Classification of Human Relationships 257
anticipated. These finally convinced the members that a strong
leader was needed.
The basic transactional principle here may be stated as fol-
lows: In a simple relationship there is no possibility of crossed
or ulterior transactions, since those require more than two
active ego states. Hence communication will proceed smoothly
and indefinitely unless and until exhaustion occurs. Exhaus-
tion can be prevented by permitting the participation of fresh
ego states to form a compound relationship. But that usually
leads to games, which must then be dealt with.
B. Compound relationships tend to create misunderstand-
ings, crossed transactions, and games, all resulting in 'inci-
dents', but they survive better because there are more gratifica-
tions than' in simple relationships. The transactional principle
is : In a compound relationship, communication may be dis-
turbed repeatedly, but it is usually resumed because of the
many pay-offs available.
To recapitulate, a simple direct relationship involves only
two active ego states. A simple indirect relationship involves in
addition one or more latent ego states. Either of these may be
either symmetrical or asymmetrical. A compound relationship
involves more than two active ego states, and may also be
symmetrical or asymmetrical. For example, companionship
and friendship are compound symmetrical relationships, while
the Roger-Susan relation described on page 131 was a com-
pound asymmetrical relationship. The variables, then, are:

Simple Symmetrical Direct

Compound Asymmetrical Indirect

A simple, symmetrical, direct relationship is the simplest

and straightest. A compound, asymmetrical, indirect relation-
ship is the most complex and offers the most opportunities for
games and other forms of ulterior transactions.
Index

Acceptance, 124 Ananga Ranga, 34

Acquaintances, 98-9, 133 Anxiety, 205
Admiration, 108-10 Apes, 184 n.
Adolescents, sex education, Aphrodisiacs, 59
32-4 Arachne, 151
Adult ego state, 94 Arousal system, 190
admiration and, 108 Art of Love, The, 226
classification of, 247 ff. Asymmetrical relationships,
committees and, 101 ff. 249 ff.
companions and, 122-3 Autonomy, illusions of, 177 ff.
co-workers and, 100 Awfuls, 185
diagrams, 94, 97, 101, 102, committee members and,
104, 109, 123, 124, 132, 102-3
248,250
erection and, 61 Baboon Game, 159-60 161,
friends and, 123-4 165
intimacy and, 125 ff. Bachelors, 236
love and, 129-30 Back pains, 202-3
obscenity and, 23 Badger Game, 173
psychology of sex act and, Bathroom people, 220--21
68-9 Baucis, 151-2
respect and, 105 ff. Beach, F. A., 228
sex education and, 32 Bedroom people, 220--21
36-7 Berelson, Bernard, 229
Aesthetics, sex and, 196 ff. Berkeley Barb, 14, 116, 231
Affection, 110 ff. Billy and Betty, 30
After scripts, 151, 153, 154 Biology
Alcoholism, 165, 205 parental programming and,
Allergy, 205 180--81
Always scripts, 150--51, 152, 153 of sex, 70 ff.
Amaryllis, 22, 26, 29n., 35, 60, tricks of Nature, 155 ff.
70, 195,202, 203, 209 Birth Control and Love, 230--31
Anal intercourse, 87 Breast feeding, 191
260 Index
Breasts, female exploitation of, Copulation, 44-5
81 as word, 19-20
Buttocks, female exploitation of Cosmopolitan, 231
81 Counterthrust, female, 65
Buzz off, Buster, 162, 167 Co-workers, 99-100, 131
Cuff, 22
Calderone, Mary, 14
Cancer, 111-12, 138 n.-139 n., Damocles, 151
204, 209 Damp words, 21
Child image, See Primal ego. Delinquency, juvenile, 196
Childhood and Society, 230 Dental work, 209-10
Children. See also Infant. De Sade, Marquis, 122, 171,
obscenity and, 24 174-5
-parent, legal sex and, 136 Deutsch, Helene, 230
parents' relationships to, 253, Deviations, sexual, 86 ff.
programming of, 144 ff. Direct relationships, simple,
sex education of, 31-2 248 ff.
Chiropractors, 225 Disease, sex and, 201 ff.
Cinderella, 179 Divorce, sexual games and, 170--71
Client-supplier, legal sex and, Dr Hip Pocrates, 231
137-8 Don't Look at Me, 204
Clitoris, 65, 67, 80--81 Dopa, 59 n.
distention in, 59-60 Drama Triangle, 163
Coitus Dreams, 56
interruptus, 154 Drive, male sexual, 64, 155
as word, 19-20 Drug-taking, 187, 205, 226
Cold dry words, 19-21 Dry
Commitment, 107 games, 175
Committees, 101 ff., 133 words, 19-21
Communication, verbal, 20 Duty, sex as, 46
Companionship, 122-3, 131 Dyadic relationships, 247 ff.
Compressor venae dorsalis penis,
57 EB, 15
Con, 162 Economics, sex and, 220
Concern, 111 Education, sex, 31 ff.
Confinement, 189-90 Egg, 49, 71
Conjugation, 44 Ego states, 93-5. See also
as word, 19-20 Adult, Parent, and Primal
Contact, physical, health and, ego states.
186 ff. awareness of, 222
Cops and Robbers, 169 classification of, 247 ff.
Index 261
relationships and, 96-8 Games, 83, 141 ff., 165 ff.
v. role, 222 avoidance of, 223
simple direct relationship and, definition of, 160 ff.
248 ff. 'not', 162
Ejaculation, 63, 64, 66-7, 80 sexual, 165 ff.
Ellis, Havelock, 14, 115-16, why people play, 174-6
226-7 Gebhard, P. H., 228
Enslavement, 177 Genes, 49, 179
Erection of penis, 56 ff. Genitals. See Sex organs.
74n.-76n. Gimbel, Jake, 13, 14
Erikson, Erik, 230 Gimmick, 162
Evergreen, 15 Golden Book of Love, 36
Everything You Always Wanted Grace in speech, 25-6
to Know About Sex, 231 Grasp, female, 65, 81
EW ('emancipated woman'), 15 Grievance committees, 103
Exploitation, sexual, 77 ff., 219- Group, leaderless, 255
20 Guardian-ward, legal sex and,
136-7
Fassett, W., 182 n. Guttmacher, Alan, 230--31
Father, admiration and, 109
Female. See also Wife. Haemorrhoids, 204-5
beginning of sex act in, 59-60 Hair. See Long hair.
orgasm, 65, 67, 71 Hallucinogens, 225
exploitation of, 83-6 Hard theories, 185-6
psychology of sex and, 68-70 Hardy, Thomas, 168
sex organs, 55 ff. Harlow, Harry, 186
Ferenczi, Sandor, 227 Health, physical contact and,
Fertilization, 46 186 ff.
Fetisheras, 115 Heart disease, 208
Fetishism, 114-16, 118 Hen Game, 156, 160-61
Fission, binary, 45 Hercules, 151
Fluid retention, 204 Hip Pocrates, Dr, 231
Food, turn-ons and, 120 Homosexuality, 79
FOOJY, 170 Horseley, R., 20, 34-5, 61, 189,
Force, sexual, 155 199,201-2,233
Ford, C. S., 228 Houston's muscle, 57-60
Freedom, 177 ff. How Was It, 172-3
Freud, Sigmund, 56, 227 Human Behavior, an Inventory
Friendship, 123-5, 131 of Scientific Findings, 229
Frigidity, 85, 203 n. Human relationships, 93 ff.,
Frustration, 205 247 ff.
262 Index
Human Sexuality, 14 Jameson, Twiggs, 30
Human Sexual Response, The, Jason, 151
229 Jonson, V. E., 229
Hungers, 189 ff.
Husband. See also Male. Kalyanamalla, 34
middle-class, 235 Kama-Sutra, 34
respect and, 108 Karpman Triangle, 163
turn-ori and, 121 Kinsey, A. C., 227
-wife
legal sex and, 136 Laughter, 160
relationships, 249, 253 masters and, 177
Hyperloiphia, 65 Lawyers, words used by, 21
Leaderless, group, 255
I Can Do Better, 173 Lechery, 121-2
If Only, 168-9, 221 Legal relationships, 135 ff.
Images. See also Adult, Parent, Legislation, 15
and Primal ego states. Legman, G., 36
obscenity and, 23-4 Let's Make Mother Sorry, 166,
I'm Only Trying to Help You, 171-2
162, 172 Letters to My Wife's Maid, 16
Impotence, 59, 155 Lloyd, Francis E., 182 n.
Impregnation, 46, 71-2, 219 Loneliness, 187-8
Imprinting, 113 Long hair
Incest, 136 prejudice against, 88
Incident-hunger, 193 respect and, 106
Indirect relationships, simple, Losers v. winners, 149-50, 176,
254 220-21
Infant. See also Children Love, 129-30
mortality rate, 195, 212 n. irresponsible, 245-6
physical contact and, 186, marriage and, sayings on,
190-91 233 ff.
trust of mother and, 107 obscenity and, 30-31
Infra-red rays, 190-91 LSD, 130
Insomnia, 206 Lubrication, vaginal, 64-5
Intimacy, 125 ff. Lucia, Salvatore P., 13, 14
games and, 169
preventive, 185 ff. Making Someone Sorry, 172
sex and, 197-9 Male. See also Husband.
Irresponsible love, 245-6 beginning of sex act in, 56 ff.
lschiocavemosus theory, 75 n. orgasm, 66-8, 71
power, 60_ff.

..
Index 263
psychology of sex and, 68-70 Note Pad (or Book), 154, 169
sex organs, 55 ff. Not Ready Yet, 170
Mao Tse-tung, 148 Novocaine, 209
Marriage
classification of, 134-5 Obesity, 204
Jove and, sayings on, 233 ff. Obscenity, 21 ff.
sex and, 199-200 Odours, 116-17, 119, 139 n.
turn-ons and, 120--21 Official Sex Manual, 15, 30
Marriage Manual, A, 231 Offspring. See Children.
Martin, C. E., 228 Only If, 210
Master Open End script, 151-2, 153, 154
Jaughtt:Jr and, 177 Organist and organa, 119
-servant, legal sex and, 137 Orgasm, 50, 238
Masters, W. H., 229 exploitation of, 83-6
Masturbation, 78, 81 female, 65, 67, 71, 84-5
Mating, 21, 45 male, 66-7, 71
Medical Aspects of Human scripts and, 153
Sexuality, 14 Outlet, sex as, 47
Mental illness, sexual mores and, Over and Over scripts, 151, 153,
224 154
Minerva, 151 Overweight, 203-4
Miniskirts, 237 Ovid, 226
Monkeys, contact and, 186-7
Mother. See also Female; Wife. Parent
admiration and, 109 -child, legal sex and, 136
-cuffers, 27-8 offspring relationships to,
fetishism and, 118 253-4
games to hurt, 171 programming by, 144 ff.
infant contact with, 190--91 autonomy and, 179 ff.
infant's trust and, 107 games and, 176
Murgatroyd, Mr and Mrs, 77-8 sex education and, 31 ff.
Parent ego state, 93, 247 ff.
Nature's tricks, 155 ff. admiration and, 108
Nefzawi, Shaykh, 35 affection and, 110
Nepenthe, 181 n.-182 n. classification of, 247 ff.
Nervous system hungers, 189 ff. committees and, 101 ff.
Nesting drive, 50 companions and, 122-3
Never scripts, 150, 151-2, 153 co-workers and, 100
Noble, Ruth Crosby, 183n. diagrams, 94, 97, 101, 102,
Normal Sex Interests of 104, 109, 123, 124, 132,
Children, The, 230 248,250
264 Index
Parent ego state-continued Potency, 60, 155
friends and, 123, 124-5 Preventive intimacy, 185 ff.
intimacy and, 125 ff., 198 Primal ego state (child ego state),
lechery and, 121-2 24, 95
love and, 129-30; hate v., acquaintances and, 98
222 admiration and, 108
Making Someone Sorry and, affection and, 110 ff.
172 classifying relationships and,
sex education and, 32, 37-8 131-3, 247 ff.
Pastimes, 83 committees and, 101 ff.
Patient companions and, 123
sex with, 138 co-workers and, 100
switch, 165 diagrams, 94, 97, 101, 102,
Patterns of Sexual Behavior, 228 104, 109, 123, 124, 132,
Pay-off, 162, 167 248,250
Pederasty, 35 friends and, 123-4
Penis, 23, 55 intimacy and, 125 ff.
erection of, 56 ff., 74 n.-76 n. lechery and, 121-2
exploitation of, 77-9 love and, 129-30, hate v., 222
images of, 69 obscenity and, 24
orgasm and, 67 penile erection and, 58, 61
Perfumed Gardens, 35-6 potency and, 58, 61
Persona, 98-9 psychology of sex and, 68-70
Personality, 93 ff. respect and, 105 ff.
Perversion, 86 ff., 218 role v., 222
'Peyronie's pride', 62 sex education and, 32, 34, 37
Phallus, 23. See also Penis. turn-on in sex and, 113 ff.
Phenotypes, 179 Prisons, 54
Philemon, 151-2 Profusion, female, 64
Philosophy in a Bedroom, 122, Programming, parental, 144 ff.
171 autonomy and, 178 ff.
Physical contact and health, games and, 176
186 ff. Prostate, 67, 72, 209
Playboy, 231 Prostitution, 85, 128, 172
Pneumonia, social contact and, Psychology of sex, 68-70
188 Psychology of Women. The, 230
Pomeroy, W; B., 228
Pornography, 23, 28 Rape, 86, 88, 170
Positionis t and positura, 119 Rapo, 159, 166 ff.
Postponement, 85-6 Recognition hunger, 192
Potato Sandwich, 174 Refrigerator Door, 154, 169
Index· 265
Relationships Sensation. forms of, 190 ff.
asymmetrical, 249 ff. Sensory deprivation, 190
classification of, 130 ff., 247 ff. Servant-master, legal sex and,
compound, 254-5 137
diagram, 96-8 Sex
legal, 135 ff. act, 55 ff.
simple direct, 248 ff. as battle, 73-4
simple indirect, 254 female power and, 64-6
symmetrical, 249 ff. legal relationships of, 135 ff.
Released orgasm, 85--6 male power and, 60 ff.
Reliability, 107 aesthetics and, 196-7
Relief, sex and, 47 biology of, 70 ff.
Religion, sex and, 52-4 definition of, 44--6
Reproduction as purpose of sex, deviations in, 86 ff.
44--6 ·' as duty, 46
Research, sex, 51-2, 200-201 economics and, 220
Respect, 105 ff., 133-4 education, 31 ff.
Reuben, David, 231 adult, 36-7
Rhomboid of Michaelis, 55 advanced; 34--6
Rituals, 82 intermediate, 32-4
acquaintances and, 98 junior type, 31-2
Role playing, 222, 223 ethics and, 194-5
exploitation of, 77 ff., 219-20
Sacred sex, 53-4 games and, 165 ff.
Sade, Marquis de, 122, 170, 174 hunger, 191-2
St Cyr, Cyprian, 16, 233 intercourse, as word, 19-20
Sandwich, 173 intimacy and, 197-9
Santa Claus, Mr and Mrs, 154 marriage and, 199-200
Sayings, 233 ff. · necessity of, 43
Scatology, 23, 27-8 organs, 55 ff.
Schoenfeld, Eugene, 15, 231 exploitation of, 77 ff.
Science, sex and, 51-2, 200-201 irr time-structuring, 81-3
Scripts, lifetime, 148 ff. psychology 0f, 68-70
autonomy and, 178 ff. purpose of, 48 ff.
games and, 176 as relief, 47
payoff, 161 religion and, 52-4
Seal Game, 158, 161 research, 51-2,200-201
Seeing, intimacy and, 127-8 science and, 51-2, 200-201
See What You Made Me Do, terminclogy, 19 ff., 45
167 unio!l, 19-20, 45
Semen, 71, 72 Sex and Psycho-Analysis, 221
266 Index
Sex Information and Education Talking about sex, 19 ff.
Council of the United Tantalus, 151, 157
States (SIECUS), 14 Telephone Call, 169
Sex Life of the Animals, The, Tennis elbow, 207-8
228-9 That Was a Good One, 173
Sexual Behavior in the Human Three Essays on the Theory of
Male and Female, 227-8 Sexuality, 227
Short sayings, 239 ff. Three-handed games, 169 ff.
SIECUS, 14 . Thrust, male power and, 62-4
SINA, 184n. Time-structuring, 141 ff., 150--51
Sisyphus, 151 hunger and, 192
Skin contact, 190--91 sex organs in, 81-3
Smell, 116-17, 119, 139 n. Toy Gun, 167-8
Social contact, health and, 186 ff. Transactional analysis, 53, 100,
Soft theories, 185-6 128n, 131, 222, 257
Sorry About That, 170 formula for games, 161-2
Spanish fly, 59 Trash Can, 26-7
Sperm, 49, 71, 72 Tribe, 14
Spinalcord,202,224,225 Trustworthiness, 105-7
Steal One, 173 Turn-on in relationships, 113 ff.
Steiner, G. A., 229 Two-people relationships, 165 ff.
Stendhal, 233 247
Stickleback Game, 157-8,
160-61, 165 Ulcers, 204
Stimulus hunger, 191-2 Underground papers, 15
Stomach trouble, 204 Untilscripts, 150--51, 153, 154, 175
Stone, Hannah and Abraham, Urquhart, Thomas, 29
231 Uterus, 203
Strain, F. B., 230
Structural analysis, 247 Vagina, 23, 55
Structure-hunger, 193 exploitation of, 79-81
Studies in the Psychology of Sex, grasping of, 65, 18
227 images of, 69
Suicide rates, 182 n. lubrication of, 64-5
Sun Tzu, 177 Vatsayana, 34
Supplier-client, legal sex and, Verbal communication, 20
137-8 Vision, intimacy and, 128
Swerk, 22 Visual turn-on, 117-18
Switch, 162 Vocabulary, sexual, 19 ff.
Symmetrical relationships, 249 ff. Voice turn-on, 118-19
Synesthesia, 69 Vulva, 23
Index 261
Ward-guardian, legal sex and, turn-on and, 121
136-7 Winners v. losers, 149-50, 176,
Warm words, 21 220-21
Weckerle, Josef, 35--6 Withdrawal, 82
Well-being, sex and, 201 ff. Withholding, 85
Wendt, Herbert, 228 Wonder, 108
Wet Words, sexual, 19 ff.
games, 175
words, 19
Yes But, 168-9
Who Needs You, 173
Yohimbine, 59
Wife, See also Female.
You Show Me Yours •.. , 174
husband's relationships to,
249, 253
legal sex with, 136 Zeitschri/t fiir Sexualwissenschaft,
middle-class, 235--6 14