Shame: Binding Affect, Ego State

Contamination, and Relational Repair

William F. Cornell
Abstract of the self' (p. 34). Fossum and Mason (1986)
This article considers the etiology of shame described the experience of shame as follows:
from developmental, environmental, and in- Shame is an inner sense of being com-
terpersonal perspectives. Shame is distin- pletely diminished or insufficient as a
guished from the other primary affective states person. It is the self judging the self. A
of guilt, anxiety, and depression. Central moment of shame may be a humiliation
treatment issues addressed include ego state so painful or an indignity so profound that
decontamination, the quality of the ther- one feels that one has been robbed of his
apeutic relationship, and the use of group or her dignity, exposed as basically in-
treatment. adequate, bad or worthy of rejection. A
pervasive sense of shame is the ongoing
The systematic consideration of shame is premise that one is fundamentally bad,
relatively recent in the psychoanalytic and defective, unworthy, not fully valid as a
psychotherapeutic literature, rarer still in the human being. (p. 5)
literature of transactional analysis (English, In drawing upon Laing's (1960) concept of
1975). Freud's was a theory and therapy of the the implosion of the self in the schizoid ex-
ego, with the ego as moderator of conflicts be- perience, H. B. Lewis (1971) further described
tween the id and the superego, that is, between the bodily and affective experience of shame
instinctual drives and external demands. For in these terms:
this reason, classical Freudian theory and The body gestures and attitude include
technique do not deal very effectively with head bowed, eyes closed, body curved in
preoedipal and shame-based issues. on itself, making the person as small as
In its early years, transactional analysis possible. At the same time that it seeks
theory was also limited in this regard. Berne to disappear, the self may be dealing with
gave us a theory and therapy of the ego, of guilt an excess of autonomic stimulation,
and anxiety. The original script matrix and blushing or sweating or diffuse rage, ex-
early script theory was based on Freudian perienced as a "flood" of sensations.
oedipal concepts. In more recent years, the TA Shame is thus regarded by adults as a
literature has begun to reflect efforts to relate primitive reaction, in which body func-
TA theory to an understanding of early tions have gone out of control. (p. 37)
developmental processes, character defenses, H. B. Lewis became interested in the study
and the limits of script theory. This article is of shame after she observed several patients in
a contribution to that effort, with the theoretical psychoanalysis (or who were resuming analysis
understanding and treatment of shame as its after breaks of several years) who seemed to
focal point. have turned the insight achieved in therapy
Within the psychoanalytic literature, Erikson against themselves. Writing in the language of
(1950) discussed the phenomenon of shame the time, she observed that these patients seem
within a developmental perspective, and H. B. to have turned their therapeutic understanding
Lewis (1971) examined the experience of into a new superego and became again self-
shame from both analytical and phenomeno- critical rather than more autonomous. She
logical frames of reference. She observed that suspected that something fundamental was
"shame is about self; guilt is about the activity overlooked in the analytic process, speculating:

Vol. 24. No.2. April 1994 139

WILLIAM F. CORNELL

Shame, by its nature is contagious. functions of the neocortex. Simply and

Moreover, just as shame has an intrinsic elegantly summarized by Nathanson (1992, p.
tendency to encourage hiding, so there 50), .•Affect is biology; emotion is biography."
is a tendency for the observer of In his discussion of the nature of shame,
another's shame to turn away from it. Kaufman (1988) referred to the binding affect
The patient's shame vis-a-vis the analyst of shame. There are several basic, primitive
also evokes guilt on the analyst's part for feeling states that I refer to as binding affects-
his inevitable role in the patient's pain- guilt, anxiety, depression, and shame. These
ful feelings. (1971, pp. 15-16) fundamental affective states are not simply
When I read the opening chapter of H. B. emotions but affective conditions that can bind
Lewis's book and her wonderings about the and often obscure more clearly differentiated
sometimes negative impact of therapy upon the feelings. Healthy emotions enrich one's think-
client's sense of self, I was reminded of com- ing and motivate action; binding affects do not.
ments offered by one of my colleagues in her Binding affective states tend to immobilize the
review of my initial draft of this manuscript: individual and elicit primary patterns of
I don't think you emphasized enough the psychological and interpersonal defense. The
silence of shame. The silence keeps the more distinct feelings (such as anger, sadness,
person from telling anyone that they feel fear, excitement, love, lust, and desire) get lost
shamed, or why and when one feels within the power of these more compelling af-
shamed or embarrassed ... one fective states.
becomes more careful, withdrawn and The evolution of psychotherapy since Freud's
covered. You would think that with work at the turn of the century can be viewed
growing trust, communication and as the evolution of the theoretical understand-
closeness between therapist and client, ing and increasingly effective treatment of these
some of these issues would finally sur- pathological affective states. Central in Freud's
face. Not so. If I were to move into a original theory and technique was the ex-
transference relationship with a therapist, perience of guilt and anxiety; this was based
he/she becomes more dangerous, more on the premise of the primacy of instinctual
able to damage and shame me. (Lynn drives and his evolving therapy rooted in the
Hawker, personal communication, conflictual model. Freud's work centered on
December 1989) the experience of guilt in the face of unaccept-
It is, perhaps, because shame is rooted in the able drives, wishes, fantasies, and their con-
experience of such a profound failure of self sequent behaviors. He rarely used the word
conjoined with a fundamental and almost in- "shame" and never articulated a theory of
describable failure in primary relationships that shame. Psychodynamic therapists operating
it has been so often overlooked in the from a classical Freudian perspective deal with
therapeutic literature. oedipal and post-oedipal issues quite
effectively.
Binding Affect and Psychotherapy: A Probably more than any other single theorist
Historical Perspective since Freud, Wilhelm Reich described the role
Nathanson (1993), in his elaboration of of anxiety in the development of certain neurotic
Tompkins's (1987) studies on affect, describes and characterological defenses. He developed
the biological function of affect as to provide techniques of directlyconfronting characterologi-
an amplifier to internal states, propelling them cal and bodily defenses so as to evoke withinthe
into the interpersonal sphere for attention and therapy session the anxieties underlying the in-
modulation. Tompkins identifies nine innate af- dividual's defensive style. From Reich's
fects, of which shame is one, each of which perspective, anxiety represented the experience
serves a specific physiological/psychological of falling apart in the face of environmen-
function. These innate affects are conceptual- tal/parental judgment and hostility or the feel-
ized as impulses in traditional psychoanalytic ing of being unable to tolerate and contain the
theory. The subcortical affect system responds body's energy, excitement, and desire. Follow-
to environmental stimuli and stress as a kind ing Freud's methodology, Reich's work was
of alert system that directs the cognitive based on drive theory. However, he differed

140 Transactional Analysis Journal

SHAME: BINDING AFFECT, EGO STATE CONTAMINATION, AND RELATIONAL REPAIR

from Freud in placing primary emphasis on the self occurs in a relational context. Earlier
experience of anxiety, as well as guilt, thus add- psychoanalytic speculation (H. B. Lewis, 1971;
ing significantly to the psychodynamic Piers & Singer, 1953) about the etiology of
literature. shame stressed the intrapsychic conflict be-
Depression, as a primary and binding affect, tween the ego and the ego-ideal (as distinct
has to do with the central issues of attachment from the superego). In contrast, contemporary
to and loss of others. Post-Freudian theorists theorists stress the early (and recurrent) failure
began to focus on the experience and meaning of primary relationships and the lack of paren-
of depression. However, it was the influence tal mirroring and empathic attunement.
of women analysts that first began to move Nathanson (1987), for example, redefined
analytic theory from a drive/conflict model to Spitz's conceptualization of stranger anxiety as
a deficit/relational model. Klein, A. Reich, a manifestation of early shame. Likewise,
Jacobson, and Mahler were central to this shift. Kaufman (1988) placed the enduring and bind-
Their work, along with that of Bowlby, Win- ing impact of shame in the experience of self-
nicott, Fairbairn, and Guntrip begin to shift failure accompanied by "breaking of the
analytic theory and much of psychodynamic interpersonal bridge" (p. 11).
technique toward object relations. Within this To summarize:
perspective, an understanding of depression and I. At the core of guilt is the loss or impair-
shame have emerged, one that considers the self ment of drives-desire, aggression, libido.
and others, as well as the ego. It is the ex- 2. At the core of anxiety is the loss or im-
perience of loss and the inability to address or pairment of structure (external or internal).
correct that loss that is at the heart of 3. At the heart of depression is the loss of
psychological depression. Even research that the other and impairment of object constancy.
addresses primarily the biological elements of 4. At the heart of shame is the loss of the self
depression acknowledges the centrality of loss and impairment of identity and cohesion.
as a triggering mechanism in the onset of In the theory and treatment of the binding af-
depression (McGrath, Keita, Strickland, & fects of depression and shame there is a fun-
Russo, 1990; Shrout et aI., 1989). damental shift from the intrapsychic to the
Shame, on the other hand, has at its core the interpersonal, and as a result therapy becomes
experience of a loss of self. Goldberg (1991) profoundly relational.
carefully distinguished between shame and
guilt. Echoing H. B. Lewis, he distinguished Shame and Developmental Vulnerability
simply and elegantly between the moral and Alonso and Rutan (1988) conceptualized
ethical imperatives of, on the one hand, shame shame as "a point of developmental
("How could I have done that?') and on the vulnerability" (p. 6). They stressed the re-
other, guilt ("How could I have done that?") gressive pull of shame, so that when feeling
(p. 47). And Kaufman (1988) described the ex- ashamed a person not only experiences a sense
perience of shame this way: of personal failure in the present, but the weight
To feel shame is to feel seen in a pain- and judgment of the bottomless shaming of
fully diminished sense. The self feels ex- childhood.
posed to itself and to anyone else present. In his developmental structure, Erikson
Shame is an impotence-making ex- (1950) placed the continuum of autonomy ver-
perience because it feels as though there sus shame and doubt as the second developmen-
is no way to relieve the matter. There is tal phase or task, following trust versus mistrust
no way to restore the balance of things. and preceding initiative versus guilt. It is in
One has simply failed as a human being. Erikson's second stage that issues related to the
No single action is seen as wrong and young child's experience of boundaries, dif-
hence repairable, so there is nothing I can ferentiation, and early mastery begin to
do to make up for it. This is the im- emerge. This is the stage in which the child is
potence of shame. The binding affect of highly susceptible to boundary confusion, in-
shame involves the whole self. (p. 8) trusion, and failure. Erikson (1950) described
Although the heart of shame is the experience the need of the young child in this second
of an impaired, failed self, this failure of the developmental phase as follows:

Vol. 24. No.2. April 1994 141

WILLIAM F. CORNELL

For if denied the gradual and well-guided To the extent that shame originates in the
experience of the autonomy of free earliest stage of development itself, in-
choice (or if, indeed, weakened by an ini- dividuals maintain a lifelong vulnerability
tial loss of trust) the child will turn to profound, if temporary, regression
against himself all his urge to upon experiencing the feeling. This
discriminate and to manipulate. He will regression leads to isolation and the
overmanipulate himself, he will develop withdrawal to the schizoid position in
a precocious conscience. Instead of tak- which it was first experienced. (p. 6)
ing possession of things in order to test
them by purposeful repetition, he will Shame and Powerlessness
become obsessed by his own Reijzer (1988) presented a forceful commen-
repetitiveness. By such obsessiveness, of tary and critique of the conceptualization of
course, he then learns to repossess the en- shame presented by Alonso and Rutan (1988).
vironment and to gain power by stubborn According to Reijzer:
and minute control, where he could not Most distinctive to the occurrence to
find large-scale mutual regulation. Such shame is that it is always present in vic-
hollow victory is the infantile model for tims: that is the powerless, the witnesses
a compulsion neurosis. It is also the in- of the process, the children of alcoholics
fantile source of later attempts in adult (Owen, Rosenberg, & Barkley, 1985),
life to govern by the letter, rather than women with a history of incest (Herman
by the spirit. (p. 252) & Schatzow, 1984), and battered women
Erikson made an important point: Parents (E. Lewis, 1983).... Had Alonso and
who use punitive control and shame to shape Rutan been European, war victims and
and manage their children may well foster a the poor would probably have figured in
deep sense of worthlessness and submissiveness their story, too. Those traumatizations in
in their children. They may also, contrary to particular, that are also socially and
their desire to assert control, find themselves politically determined, and the extent to
with a child who becomes defiantly, which the pathology of the victim shows
belligerently "shameless" (1950, p. 253). Such parallel, makes me think that shame can
children, who defy shame, will likely originate in all stages of development.
perpetuate the cycle of shame with their own (pp. 17-18)
children. They will turn blame and scorn on Kaufman (1988) also stressed the experience
their own children so as to avoid any sense of of victimization and loss of control of one's
failure when faced with the difficulties of par- environment as central in what he calls shame-
enting and to wall off the experience of sham- based syndromes. He identified four primar-
ing from their own childhood. ily shame-based syndromes: physical abuse,
Within Erikson's framework the long-term sexual abuse, addictive disorders, and eating
consequences of early childhood shame become disorders.
apparent. His pairing of shame and doubt in op- Incest and rape are two distinct types of
position to autonomy speaks to the interference sexual abuse which activate intense inner
or disruption of the early experiences of states of powerlessness, personal viola-
autonomy that foster a developing and coherent tion, and humiliation. In the midst of
sense of self. This, in turn, undermines the shame one feels to blame. Childhood in-
subsequent development of initiative, that is, cest generates intense and crippling
the capacity to act, to be competent, and thus shame which can and all too often does
to evolve effective and sustained ego function. culminate in a profound splitting of self.
In the contemporaryanalytic literature, the self The experience of violation and
psychologists emphasize the centrality of shame helplessness itself is disowned and the
and the experience of the disintegration of a self withdraws deeper inside itself to
coherent sense of self, forcing a reliance on escape their agony of exposure. (p. 162)
primitive levels of defense and a likely process Nathanson (1991) also identified the fun-
of withdrawal and hiding. Alonso and Rutan damentallink between sexual abuse and shame.
(1988) spoke vividly about this aspect of shame: Kaufman (1988) emphasized the experience of

142 Transactional Analysis Journal

SHAME: BINDING AFFECT, EGO STATE AND RELATIONAL REPAIR

powerlessness in addiction: "a profound, often beyond a failure of empathic attunement or mir-
discouraging sense of powerlessness over the roring; it is as though the child is of no
addiction" (p. 162). Fossum and Mason (1986), significance or interest to the parent beyond the
in their descriptions of shame-based families, and child's meeting the parent's narcissistic wishes
Root (1992) offered descriptions of the impact and fantasies. With a number of my clients I
of trauma on personality formation, underscor- have encountered a pervasive sense of "There
ing the relationship between powerlessness, is something wrong with me, there has always
shame, and an inhibited sense of self. They been something wrong with me." One client
deemphasized the developmental focus in the put it perhaps most succinctly when she said,
understanding of shame and centered instead "I have never known what it's like to be among
on the experience of victimization, which can my own kind. " The experience seems to be one
occur at any developmental stage. of growing up being largely irrelevant to one
I find both perspectives relevant. The or both parents. The result is a childhood and
developmental stage as described by Erikson adolescence in which there is no felt recogni-
is a time of particular psychological and in- tion from the outside of how the person ex-
terpersonal vulnerability to shame. It is also, periences himself or herself on the inside.
in fact, possible for people at any phase of life These are people who often move deeply into
to be overwhelmed and shattered by traumatic a world of fantasy, books, and private ways of
circumstances. The loss of control, the sense thinking and feeling about life. A sense of
of something being wrong with one's self, is coherence and safety in the self is maintained
internalized, and the individual becomes literal- only through privacy. They internalize a sense
ly ashamed of himself or herself. of being of no particular interest to anyone, but
often have an intense interest in the world and
Shame, Invisibility, and Silence in others, although there is no expectation of
I have, on a number of occasions, noticed that interest being reciprocated. The long-term,
another fundamental pattern that seems to foster cumulative effect of such a childhood seems to
a profound and pervasive sense of shame. It is be the erosion and collapse of the self, with the
not anchored at any particular developmental persistent sense that there must be something
phase, nor is it a result of traumatic or chronic wrong with oneself.
victimization in the sense of overt violence,
coercion, or abuse. It is more the result of a Ego State Decontamination
chronic pattern of what does not occur between Shame is, in its essence, an inhibition of the
parents and a young child, rather than what development of the self or a rupture of the self.
does. Several clinicians addressing shame have It is the kind of wound that in many ways
focused on the importance of the eyes in the precedes formation of consistentego function and
experience of shame. Fenichel (1945) referred is so pervasive that it affects all ego state func-
to the eyes as the organ of shame. H. B. Lewis, tions and floods the capacities of the Adult ego
Nathanson, Goldberg, Erikson, and Kaufman state. Shame becomes reality rather than being
each have described the experience of not want- experienced as a feeling about one's self. Ego
ing to be seen, of wishing to hide the feeling state decontamination is a central and recurrent
of being exposed or overexposed. There are therapeutic endeavor in the resolution of shame.
also many visual metaphors used to refer to the There are several themes in the treatment of
experience of being shamed and also the effort shame that emerge and reemerge over the
to escape from shame, for example, "I can't course of therapy. These themes typically
look you in the eye," or "I can't stand the sight reflect a pervasive, dual contamination of the
of you. " There is a certain irony in the fact that Adult ego state. Shame overwhelms and
although those who live with profound levels distorts the observing and autonomous func-
of shame wish to hide from the sight of others, tions of the Adult, as shaming experiences
shame seems to be based in the experience of restrict the affection range of the child, becom-
never being seen, of not being able to attract ing internalized as PI' whereas shaming at-
the interest, the gaze, the attention of others. titudes become introjected as Pz in a message
Shame is, in a basic sense, the experience of that can become profoundly self-limiting. The
not being seen. This parental failure goes far identification of these areas of contamination

Vol. 24, No.2, April 1994 143

WILLIAM F. CORNELL

are a primary responsibility of the therapist in therapist needs to demonstrate both verbally
the treatment of shame. and behaviorally that, "You can count on me
One common area of contamination is the and the group, depend on me without giving
client's inability to distinguish between respon- yourself over to me or abandoning your own
sibility and the experience of choice, on the one sense of self and competence."
hand, and blame and the pressure to be in con- I have found Kaufman's (1988) attitude
trol (of one's self or of others) on the other. toward the therapeutic relationship particularly
The therapist needs to identify patterns of blame wise in this regard:
(whether against self or others) and controlling The client must also begin to matter some
behaviors and attitudes, while at the same time to the therapist. And for the necessary
teaching and supporting personal choice and restoring to occur, their relationship must
autonomy. be real, honest and mutually wanted.
Another important area of decontamination Security within a relationship fosters
is the distinction between appeasement and ac- growth. The heightened anxiety attendant
quiescence, on the one hand, and conflict and upon self-exploration, that confronting of
individuation on the other. Shame-bound in- one's dynamic conflicts, can be ex-
dividuals commonly anticipate that situations perienced, understood and finally
involving conflict will result in their becoming mastered only within a secure relation-
targets for anger and humiliation, so potential ship. It is the active approaching of those
conflict is frequently met with avoidance or ap- conflicts by therapist and client together
peasement. Shame-bound individuals have in- which engenders that anxiety; this mutual
corporated frequent spoken and unspoken confrontation of conflict in tum further
messages that "If there's a problem here, it's deepens their relationship.
because of you," and "If the problem is to be Dependence upon the therapist will
fixed, you're the one to get fixed." Corrective often follow. And depending can be per-
decontamination defines conflict as evidence of mitted without its being encouraged. It
individuation and as opportunities for self- is the permitting of dependence and iden-
expression, negotiation, and problem solving. tification as these become needed by a
The therapist confronts avoidance and appease- client which provides essential support,
ment while supporting anger, self-expression, strength, and healing for a wounded or
and conflict resolution. precarious self. Letting oneself be known
A third area of contamination is healthy at moments when the self of a client is
closeness and dependence versus the pressure in such distress permits the needed restor-
either to fuse or isolate. It is a common belief ing experience of identification to come
in shame-based families that sameness equals about. One does not do anything to bring
closeness and understanding. Shame-based it about. One simply permits it to hap-
families tend to be insular and quite socially in- pen to itself.
ept, with internal family functioning dominated And while we permit such dependence
by rigid rules and their intense enforcement. and identification as our client might ac-
Children in these families, both when they are tually need, always we encourage and
young and later as adults, tend to be ill at ease foster the eventual differentiation of the
and awkward outside of the family structure. self. By siding with differentiation we
This social awkwardness, in tum, becomes lend our therapeutic weight to eventual
something else about which to feel ashamed. separation, to gaining increasing
It is a difficult therapeutic endeavor to sup- mastery. (pp. 120-121)
port a healthy level of dependency with the Perhaps the fundamental contamination in the
therapist or the group without the shame-bound face of shame is the fusion of one's self and
individual feeling that he or she must fuse with one's behavior, that is, "I am what I do." Self
one or the other. Dependency and reliability and ego do not differentiate. Without the con-
must repeatedly be differentiated from fusion sistent, positive internalized experience of self,
and symbiosis, and independence and the shame-bound individual tends to constantly
autonomy must be repeatedly differentiated seek and often earn literal evidence of self-
from isolation and self-containment. The worth and selfhood through performance.

144 Transactional Analysis Journal

SHAME: BINDING AFFECT, EGO STATE CONTAMINATION, AND RELATIONAL REPAIR

Relational Repair accustomed to the rigidity of roles within the

The therapeutic work and the therapeutic family. It can be eye-opening to observe the
relationship must be freed from any particular therapist acknowledging each group member
expectation or outcome. The therapist attends as an individual. Treatment contracts are
carefully and consistently, and offers the time, different from one member to another, treat-
attention, and safety to enable clients to ment strategies are different, and the therapist
gradually stop earning their keep, proving their offers different forms of relationship to meet
worth, and instead to begin to find a voice and the treatment needs of each individual client.
a place. It is quiet work, more often marked The very nature of group treatment and its
by the depth of understanding than the intensi- quality of relatedness is an exquisite contradic-
ty of expression. Through the quality of tion to the style of relationships to which
relatedness between therapist and client, the ego most shame-based individuals have grown
gradually comes to serve the self rather than accustomed.
substitute for it.
Within a context of broadening a client's Conclusion
frame of reference and interrupting the nar- The gradual internalization of the therapeutic
rowness of family expectations, group relationship is at the heart of the resolution of
treatment-particularly when used in conjunc- shame. In the treatment of shame the therapist
tion with individual therapy-can be powerful offers first and foremost his or her willingness
in addressing issues of shame. The simple act to self-scrutinize and be honest, a willingness
of membership in and speaking of one's self to acknowledge and actively repair difficulties
in a group violates the prime rule of most and ruptures in the therapeutic relationship. In
shame-based families. Separate from the con- work with shame-bound individuals there is no
tent of an individual's personal therapy within factor more singularly important than the
the group, the experience of being listened to therapist's willingness to sustain a responsive
by a group of people, being confronted with and responsible relationship with the client.
respect, and being advised from an informed
and compassionate understanding are power- William Cornell. M.A., is a Teaching and
fully corrective experiences. Alonso and Rutan Supervising Transactional Analyst (clinical) in
(1988) observed, "While most of the difficult private practice in Pittsburgh and Gibsonia,
conflicts that plague human beings are intra- Pennsylvania. Please send reprint requests to
psychic in origin, some of the more tenacious William Cornell, R.D. #5. Box 515, Gibsonia.
characterological problems are best unraveled PA. 15044, USA.
in the interpersonal field" (p. 7). They wrote
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146 Transactional Analysis Journal