Rating Qualities
9
Applicable
Well Structured
Insider's Take
Turn Enemies into Allies
The Art of Peace in the Workplace (Conflict Resolution
for Leaders, Managers, and Anyone Stuck in the Middle)
Judy Ringer | Career Press © 2019
Workplace conflict saps employee energy, loyalty, morale and productivity. Unfortunately, most
managers lack dispute resolution training. Conflict management expert and aikido master Judy
Ringer explains that this Japanese martial art and its mind-body principles can guide managers in
handling disputes. She carefully details her step-by-step conflict resolution system as she teaches
managers how to use this elegant approach to restore workplace peace. Her philosophy and
methods are equally effective in handling disagreements between employees or between friends or
family members.
Take-Aways
• Workplace conflicts can inflict heavy costs on organizations and employees.
• Managers have a basic responsibility to defuse employee conflicts; Aikido principles can help.
• The aikido approach to conflict resolution has three essential tenets which support four phases
of facilitation:
• One: “Bowing in” requires the proper mind-set, attitude and skills to start helping employees
reconcile.
• Two: “Entering and blending” calls for helping opposing parties develop communication
skills in individual sessions.
• In Phase 2, use the five P’s to set a “new path” forward: “pain, pleasure, purpose, performance
and productivity, and personal power.”
• Three: “Redirecting” moves the parties into joint sessions during which they learn together how
to resolve their differences.
• Four: “Bowing out” happens after reconciliation, when coaches and managers step back and
create an individualized support system to avoid future conflicts.
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Summary
Workplace conflicts can inflict heavy costs on organizations and employees.
Workplace conflict harms productivity, loyalty, morale and energy. Managers who need to deal
with disputes often feel stymied or lack conflict resolution training. Yet, this problem merits
their attention. The typical American employee wastes close to three hours weekly dealing with
workplace conflicts.
“Although intervening in conflict is not for the faint of heart, it comes with the job if
you’re a manager, supervisor or leader.”
A 2008 study says 85% of workers experience some conflict – a problem that squandered $359
billion in aggregate hourly wages, even then. But conflict resolution can be difficult since it
requires acknowledging alternative viewpoints and seeking reconciliation. The martial art
of Aikido offers a path forward.
Managers have a basic responsibility to defuse employee conflicts; Aikido principles
can help.
The principles of the Japanese martial art of aikido offer an effective basis for
conflict resolution skills. Aikido derives from judo and jujutsu but it doesn’t focus on
defeating an opponent. Aikido helps you form a partnership with your attacker. Helpful aikido
terms for addressing conflict include:
• Ki – The Japanese word for “energy, power” and “life force.”
• “On the mat” – Aikidoists work on “springy mats” because they fall often. Coaching sessions
serve as a “metaphorical mat” where disputants learn to settle differences amicably.
• “Attack” – Think of an attack as energy that moves in your direction. Experienced aikidoists
see an attack as “a gift of energy.”
• “Centered presence” – When you are centered and present, you are “confident, flexible,
focused, calm and prepared.”
“Aikido etiquette revolves around the bow, which represents gratitude and respect.”
Aikidoists don’t try to repel attack energy; they attempt to flow with it. When people are
in conflict, their energy constricts. Your goal is to liberate this energy and help direct it
productively. Aikido practitioners see opponents as partners in a form of dance. You want
disputants to develop this mind-set, so each person steps outside his or her point of view and tries
to appreciate the other person’s viewpoint. This is a central trait of conflict resolution.
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The aikido approach to conflict resolution has three essential tenets which support
four phases of facilitation.
Managers must not be reactive. They should try to connect positively with those around them. To
that purpose, Aikido’s three essential tenets are:
1. “Entering” – You move “off the line of attack” and align with the energy of the attacker.
Aikido’s first move is to enter and locate the attacker’s energy.
2. “Blending” – Aikidoists contribute their own energy to “incoming energy” to align and
harmonize with it.
3. “Redirecting” – You want to ensure that no one gets hurt. Resistance transforms to
connection as opponents become partners.
“Your first goals are to learn and fully understand the conflict stories as well as sense the
possibilities for resolution.”
The four phases of this conflict resolution system provide a practical handbook for managers:
One: “Bowing in” requires the proper mind-set, attitude and skills to start helping
employees reconcile.
The goal is to help the parties put aside their differences and resume a shared working
relationship. They need a “wider perspective” about the dispute and should become partners in
creating their unique solution. However, the bowing-in stage is too early to unite them.
“Make sure the individual experiences the difference between being centered and
uncentered, because this provides a reference point they can return to at any time.”
Before you can help the disputants, you must bow in and begin by working on yourself. Consider
how your physical and mental behavior might affect the disputants. Examine your motives for
helping them reconcile. Check your assumptions and attitudes.
A manager’s attitude about an office conflict affects its eventual resolution. Show confidence
that the parties can resolve their differences. Don’t be judgmental. Never take sides. As a “multi-
partial third party” – as opposed to an “impartial, neutral facilitator” – enable the participants to
communicate their stories.
“Until the parties feel heard, they can’t begin to think about moving off their positions.”
Develop your centered presence and communication and problem-solving skills. Leverage a
learning mind-set to build your facilitation and leadership abilities.
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Two: “Entering and blending” calls for helping opposing
parties develop communication skills in individual sessions.
Meet separately with the individual parties and help them develop the skills and understanding
to interact positively. Tap into their points of view to identify what each one wants and
needs. Learn how the dispute affects each party.
“When conflict is reframed as a normal part of life that can be skillfully managed and
transformed, relationships mend and team members learn to discuss and resolve issues
rather than avoid them.”
Individually, ask questions, affirm each person’s “positive intent” and redirect what you learn
toward an eventual “sustainable resolution.” Help the parties develop self-insight and learn to deal
with others, show compassion, communicate and ease conflict. Help them make their jobs more
satisfying, since happy employees are less likely to have conflicts.
“Although the skills to manage conflict are not always intuitive or obvious in the
workplace, they exist and can be learned.”
In “conflict coaching,” teach disputants about aikido concepts based on mind-body
principles. Once they master these skills, they hopefully will be ready to meet respectfully to
re-establish a solid working relationship. Encourage them to learn more about themselves,
their behavior and learning styles, and how they handle conflict. You can assist by having HR
administer professional self-assessment instruments.
“An awareness of how you are managing your energy is vital in helping others manage
conflict.”
Learn both parties’ stories and attitudes about the dispute. Often, telling personal stories can
eliminate heat from office and home disputes. Hold two to four individual, one-hour sessions with
each person. Assign homework that reinforces what the participants learned. Use the sessions
to be sure the parties are willing and able to understand each other, resolve their conflict, and are
ready to establish a viable working relationship.
“If the parties decide they want to involve others, the method can be as simple as a few
personal conversations, an email or a presentation at a team meeting.”
Ask each party six questions about his or her commitment to a resolution:
1. “On a scale of 1 to 10, how important is it to your work/team/organization that you and your
co-worker resolve this conflict?”
2. “On a scale of 1 to 10, how optimistic are you about resolving the conflict?” Why?
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3. “On a scale of 1 to 10, what is your willingness to resolve these issues? What is your
commitment to this process?”
4. “What are you most eager to learn as we go forward?”
5. “What are you most concerned/anxious/hopeful about?”
6. “What would help you personally?”
“Your greatest asset is the quality of your being: centered presence, personal power and
clarity of purpose. Everything else is secondary.”
As you ask these questions, redirect the answers toward a sustainable resolution. Use open-ended
questions such as, “How did this begin?” Validate participants’ responses by saying, for example,
“It makes sense you might feel that way.”
In this phase, the parties prepare for eventual “connection.” They must engage and not resist. They
can’t resolve their differences without a firm commitment to work together.
In Phase two, use the five P’s to set a “new path” forward: “pain, pleasure, purpose,
performance and productivity, and personal power.”
As you ask each party to work on a resolution, they each will want to know, “What’s in it for me?”
To answer this question, ask them to consider the 5 P’s:
1. Pain – Continuation of the dispute will be bad for both parties. Clarify their options.
2. Pleasure – Explore the benefits of an amicable resolution. Imagine the “best
possible outcome.”
3. Purpose – Connect each person’s career goals and life mission with the company’s goals,
mission and vision. Ask each party about his or her role going forward.
4. “Performance and productivity” – Make sure the parties understand that this dispute-
resolution mentoring process is the company’s vote of confidence in them.
5. “Personal power” – The skills both parties develop in this process will benefit them at work
and in life. They can come to see conflict “as a gift and a teacher.”
“You can help resolve employee conflict with conscious intention and some key skills,
which are translatable and transferable.”
Document each session with detailed notes. Send separate summaries to each party.
This information will enable you to plan the next sessions.
Three: “Redirecting” moves the parties into joint sessions during which they learn
together how to resolve their differences.
Now, gather the participants to help them redirect their energy from confrontation to
reconciliation and find common ground. In Phase 3’s joint sessions, they can discuss what they
experienced and learned so far and plan positive dealings in the future. For the joint sessions,
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establish rapport by moving toward reconciliation and conflict resolution, and by discussing past
problematic scenarios and how to avoid them. The crucial first joint session sets the stage. Because
it’s so important, don’t attempt any actual problem solving during this session.
“If the parties are not motivated to change, they won’t.”
Hold the first joint session in a neutral location like a restaurant. Start by talking aspects of life
the participants may share. Discussing food, family and hobbies can reveal their humanity and
establish common ground. Coach the parties to make introductory efforts to break the ice by
saying something like:
• “I have something I’d like to discuss that I think will help us work together.”
• “I’d like to talk about [this issue] with you, but first I’d like…your point of view.”
• “I need your help with what just happened. Do you have a few minutes to talk?”
“Conflict is a restriction of energy. Your task is to free up that energy for more productive
and purposeful use – for your people, your team, and your organization or company.”
During the joint sessions, participants should discuss how they will resolve existing challenges and
handle future interactions. Cover a “six-step checklist”:
1. “Center” – In advance, consider the conversations to follow. Help participants
realign themselves.
2. “Purpose” – Spell out the reasons and goals of each joint session.
3. “Inquiry” – Help the parties maintain an “open and curious mind-set.” They should ask
intelligent questions to determine each other’s points of view.
4. “Acknowledgement” – Both parties need know that they’ve been heard.
5. “Advocacy” – Each party should state his or her point of view in a direct, open and respectful
fashion.
6. “Solutions” – Be alert for possible solutions to the disagreement. Seize them when they
appear, and follow up on them.
After the joint sessions, participants should prepare to implement their new “alignment,
agreement and commonality,” discuss possible future areas of conflict and share ideas on how
to manage potential problems.
Four: “Bowing out” happens after reconciliation, when coaches and managers step
back and create an individualized support system to avoid future conflicts.
Now the former disputants are learning, as aikidoists would put it, “to dance together in a new,
more cooperative way.” Now that they’ve developed workable solutions, you should bow out
as coach. Before you do, you have the option of creating a “final letter of agreement” covering
how everyone will work together productively so conflict doesn’t recur.
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The parties should make a mutual commitment to:
• Strive to maintain a healthy work relationship, even if future issues develop.
• Exhibit emotions only constructively.
• Listen to one another willingly and respectfully.
• Meet away from the office monthly for a year for a “relationship check-in.”
• Handle any conflicts face-to-face, being ready to forgive and by being willing to acknowledge
the other person’s positive intent.
With their new aikido mind-sets and positive attitudes – and armed with new conflict resolution
skills – they shouldn’t regress. To help them to avoid future disagreements:
1. Set up a review process – Regularly determine if the new habits and relationship are well
rooted.
2. Develop a support system for the future – This can include joint meetings in 60 to 90
days, check-ins and periodic emails.
Thank everyone and gracefully step away. Be ready for the next employee disagreement.
Wherever people gather and interact, they will experience occasional internal feuds.
About the Author
Judy Ringer, the founder of Power & Presence Training, is an international speaker, coach,
seminar leader and consultant and holds a third-degree black belt in aikido. She also wrote
Unlikely Teachers: Finding the Hidden Gifts in Daily Conflict. Ringer has 25 years’ experience as
a coach and trainer, and more than 25 years as an accomplished aikido practitioner.
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