How To Spot and Avoid Secondhand Stress

How to Spot and Avoid Secondhand Stress

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How to Spot and Avoid

Secondhand Stress
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Secondhand stress is a real but often unacknowledged source of stress in our lives. It
is caused by being exposed to other stressed peopleyes, stress is contagious, just
like the common cold, only you're less likely to blame it on someone else! In this
article, you'll learn how to spot secondhand stress and how to start immunizing
yourself against it more effectively.
Steps
Treat stress like a contagious disease. When someone else is

stressed, unless you've already created strong personal boundaries and
are able to stay alert to the external source of what is upsetting you, it's very
easy to let someone else's anxiety or sense of urgency increase your own inner
feelings of stress. Secondhand stress is an unconscious absorption of
negative emotions, thought to be precipitated by firing of the "mirror neurons" in
our brain that try hard to keep us in sync with those around us.[1]
Notice how you feel when someone around you is pacing, glancing
about rapidly, acting impatiently, toe-tapping, snapping at you, or
similar potentially negative actions. Note how long it takes for you to
feel as anxious or impatient as them; for many people, it's not long at
all.
It's also possible that the pheromones in the sweat of an anxious and
impatient person may cause you to react likewise.[1]
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Identify the people in your life who are "sick" with stress. It's usually
emitted by those people closest to you, in terms of relationships and time
spent together. Thus, it tends to be your spouse/partner, children, work
colleagues and supervisors and anyone else you spend a lot of time with, such
as close friends or even neighbors.
In many cases, women tend to be more susceptible to secondhand
stress, feeling obliged to be constantly available to care for people
and to soothe other's pain. Regardless of gender, this desire to be
there for others even when you're feeling stretched yourself can open
you up to taking on people's burdens and negative feelings too. The
more empathic a person is, the more likely they will suffer secondhand
stress.
Recognize the situations in which secondhand stress can occur.

There are lots of times when you can unconsciously take on board
another's stress but some of the more common situations include:

A colleague, boss or client pressures you about a deadline that he or
she perceives as urgent. You don't believe it to be as urgent as this
person insists but by the time you've heard his or her stress about it,
you've joined the club.
Your boss, colleague, spouse, friend, etc., is really stressed about an
upcoming event and continuously seeks your advice and reassurance
about it. Eventually, despite knowing that it's all under control your end,
you find it stressful too.

Your workplace is a hive of woes and moaning about potential job
losses, pay cuts or downsizing, and the rumors grow daily. It's hard to
stay above this type of generalized workplace stress and you soon
find yourself succumbing to the secondhand stress.
You're about to have a baby and you're perfectly fine about it until your
mother, sisters and previously pregnant friends start on with their
horror stories about what can go wrong. Suddenly, their worries
become yours too. This isn't just a pregnancy issue thoughit can
apply to anyone about to experience a life-changing event, such as
having surgery, buying a new home, adopting a child, supporting a
loved one in prison, when adult offspring return to the "empty nest",
etc.
A boss or supervisor is behaving tensely, uptight and irritable; to top it
off, she's not giving away much but is trying to "soldier on." It's hard not
to absorb the stress oozing from someone you perceive as a role
model and whose single command can redirect all of your efforts.
You work or socialize with someone who is always stressed out and
high strung. No matter how positive you feel before meeting this
person, he or she sends you downward the moment you're near them,
every time. This always sour-and-down personality type will transfer
negative emotions easily, if you don't realize what's really happening at
a conscious levelnamely, that you're taking on board this person's
stress and negative outlook.
You're on a call desk, such as for IT problems. Every call is
considered by each caller to be urgent and a "must-be-fixed" now
situation. The secondhand stress from taking on board other people's
sense of urgency can be overwhelming if you don't learn to manage it
well.
If you're working in constant real emergency situations (such as being
an emergency worker, paramedic, etc.), your entire job is a
recognized source of bringing on secondhand stress, something a
good workplace should already have recognized and has programs in
place to assist you.
Take charge of your own emotions. Once you can recognize the
times in your life when stress seems to be catching, you can begin to stop
yourself from falling victim to absorbing other people's stress.

Realize that secondhand stress tends to linger. It can be worse than
stress caused by your own feelings because you truly feel you don't
have control over it and often don't understand its source. However,
this is part of the key to copinglet go of any idea of "controlling" the
stress source. The perpetrator of the secondhand stress is beyond
your control but your response to their stress is always something you
can control.
Distract yourself and place a visual or physical reaction barrier
between you and the stress. Focus on something other than the
person sending out their own stress signals. Focus on your breathing,
deeply inhaling and exhaling to a count of 10. Pinch the palm of your
hand to remind yourself to remain focused on the problem as solvable,
not on the person as tension causing. Focus on a favorite color. Focus
on a mind's eye picture of a beautiful natural place you cherish.
Notice yourself mimicking stressful stances, attitudes and body
language. Are you scrunching up your shoulders just like the stressful
colleague? Are you screwing up your forehead with worry just like your
spouse? Take a moment to notice how tense your body is and make a
conscious choice to relax every part of it and shake off those negative
vibes.
Be an atmosphere changer. When secondhand stress starts coming

your way, try avoid catching it anymore. Here are some suggestions to
help distance yourself while still being compassionate and engaged:

If it's someone complaining about things, tell them something positive
about themselves or the situation.
If they're worried about meeting a deadline, suggest spending time
together to plot out a way to reassure the worrier. You could offer to
show this person how you prioritize pressing tasks.
If they're worried something won't be satisfactory, offer to read through
their work, check their calculations, test their theories, critique their
efforts, or show them how. Don't accept worrying as a reason for
staying negative. Remember that action is always the antidote to worry
and feeling down.
If the person isn't reassured or buoyed up by your attempts to see

the more positive side to things, take a break. There's no need to
hang around a negative atmosphere soaking up even more of it.

Suggest that you make a cup of coffee or tea for you both.
If it's hard to get away, tell the person you need to visit the bathroom.
Take a walk outside if possible, or just to a different part of the
building, to clear your head and shake off those blues that descended
on you from elsewhere. Physical exercise is proven to beat stress,
provided you actually do some.[1]
If you're in a work or volunteer situation, rather than a personal

one, turn to workplace or volunteer guides, manuals and training.
If it's the style of job or volunteer work you're doing, such as answering constant
problem calls or tending to emergencies, your workplace or volunteer
organization should have training for coping with secondhand stress. Manuals
will often give you step-by-step approaches to dealing with the more difficult
people you'll encounter in lifemake sure you are comfortable with using these
self-defense strategies to protect yourself while still helping other people. If
there isn't anything in place already, ask for it or get a band of
coworkers/volunteers together to ask as a group.
If it's a situation where the stress involves injuries and perhaps even
death, such as for doctors, nurses, emergency workers and police,
ask your organization to ensure that you get both adequate stress
support and debriefing opportunities. Your situation is unique and very
hard to deal with alone.
Acknowledge and accept what you can't change. You won't always
be able to put a positive shine on a situation or personal issue and you
won't always be able/want to be out of the presence of a stressful person or

situation. In this case, you'll need to armor yourself mentally and be prepared to
remain positive and to not allow the stressful person's outlook to color yours.
You also need to be prepared to talk honestly:
Stop trying to protect and comfort someone who is a source of stress
when this increases your own stress. Sometimes you'll need to call it
like it is, as it's quite possible the person bringing the stress home
from work or spreading it around work, doesn't even realize the impact
that he or she is having on others. Tell the person in question about the
impact his or her stress is having on you. Use "I" statements but don't
avoid it; the other person needs to understand how harmful this has
become to you.
Try kindness. React with compassion rather than irritation or
aggression. Knowing that your own tetchy feelings derive from theirs,
make a decision to treat the stressed person with kindness (and a few
smiles). It may work enough to calm them down but even if it doesn't, it
will help you to distance yourself from their stress and to also be kind
to yourself.
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Tips
Plan a minimum weekly thing that keeps you happy and is totally unrelated to
the situation or person stressing you. It might be a movie a week, a visit with
friends, dinner in a different restaurant, an afternoon spent at the library
reading new book acquisitions, a day strolling around a historic part of
townwhatever you choose, make it your sacred happy time.
Get away from stressful situations as often as possible. If the stressful
person is close to you, consider taking him or her away tooweekend
hikes and cabin stays by the sea, overseas vacations, weekends spent out
of internet or phone reach, spa days, etc. are all ways to unwind and let your
real feelings have a chance to come to the fore.
Practice meditation or mindfulness. These can help to build up your
resilience against stressful people and situations.
Children can suffer from secondhand stress, especially if you pile
expectations to achieve on them and have too many after-school activities
added to their schedule. If a child is living life in your fast lane, slow down
and let your child be a child instead; adult responsibilities will come soon
enough.
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Warnings
Some of the side effects of secondhand stress include raised blood

pressure, impaired digestion, insomnia, depression, fatigue, tension and
poor memory.
Beware of "friendships" that consist of nothing more than the other person
telling you all their woes, troubles and problems. The more negative their
talk, the more wary you should be. Ultimately, absorbing all this negativity will
make you feel bad about yourself and not just worried about your friend.
When the stress is due to injustice, discrimination and other impersonal
social ills, taking action is a good response. If you can get involved in
activism about the person's cause, you may be able to do a lot of good.
Most of all it will break the sense of helplessness you may feel about being
able to comfort that loved one or friend. Taking real action on their behalf or
helping them connect with support and activist groups is a good response.
Then take care of yourself and remind yourself that you're not a member of
the affected group, don't feel guilty about taking care of your feelings before
charging in to help change the world.
If secondhand stress raises your awareness of issues in your own life,

thinking them through and taking appropriate action is the way to handle it. If
your second hand stress source is talking about an abusive situation that
parallels your own, your stress isn't entirely second hand. Look honestly at
yourself and others to see where stress is coming from. Sorting out multiple
stress sources makes it much easier to handle all of them - one at a time.
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1.01.11.2
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/health-and-
fitness/health/conditions/why-i-feel-your-pain-secondhand-stress-and-how-itspreads/article585781/
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2058988/Beware-workplacewhinger-Passive-stress-contagious-cold-study-reveals.html research
source, quoting Professor Elaine Hatfield, a University of Hawaii
psychologist who found workplace stress to be contagious.

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How to Spot and Avoid Secondhand Stress

How to Spot and Avoid

Treat stress like a contagious disease. When someone else is

spent together. Thus, it tends to be your spouse/partner, children, work

Recognize the situations in which secondhand stress can occur.

another's stress but some of the more common situations include:

you find it stressful too.

yourself from falling victim to absorbing other people's stress.

Be an atmosphere changer. When secondhand stress starts coming

help distance yourself while still being compassionate and engaged:

If the person isn't reassured or buoyed up by your attempts to see

hang around a negative atmosphere soaking up even more of it.

If you're in a work or volunteer situation, rather than a personal

won't always be able/want to be out of the presence of a stressful person or

We could really use your help!

Can you tell us

Can you tell us

Can you tell us

Can you tell us

Some of the side effects of secondhand stress include raised blood

If secondhand stress raises your awareness of issues in your own life,

Deal With Stress

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