Connecting the Dots: It comes to us all

John Bos

John Bos

By JOHN BOS

Published: 12-13-2024 2:44 PM

Modified: 12-13-2024 4:10 PM

Dear Readers and Friends,

This is my last “Connecting the Dots” column. My time has come. It’s kind of a life review time. I am surrounded and supported by my family and an old friend of 60-plus years. Also, I feel support from members of my writing group, my local men’s group, and members of my Living Fully, Aging Gracefully, Befriending Death group. Befriending Death turns out to be hard work.

I am leaving at a time when our country has sunk into the swamp pit that we have been told we will be pulled out of by the next president.

There is my resume life and today I want to tell you about my other life with the groups I have just mentioned. I cannot complete my column because it is exhausting to write, so I am turning it over to my fantastic sister, Winnie, who has served as the editor of all my earlier columns. I have loved the freedom to express myself to you all and for your responses.

Winnie: On Sunday, Dec. 1, sitting by my side in his home, John was surrounded by our brother, Peter, sister-in-law, Sissel, his dear friend, Jack, and his local men’s group. There were a dozen of us, including John, and the air was full of love and warmth. It was a time of sharing, sharing our love and gratitude, and as things unfolded, we all felt like we were holding John’s memorial service. Unlike a memorial, however, he was very present.

John began: My therapist of 20 years has been trying to get me to accept the truth that I have done some good things in my life. I have this capacity for self-negating. And now I find that all of you here and so many emails are evidence that I’ve done a few good things. Our Men’s Group has been a blessing beyond comprehension, from John D. coming to pick me up when I’ve fallen down; to Peter taking me to the dentist, to Howard, to Dan, the best pea soup-maker — I’m filled with a grace that I didn’t know could exist. I’m accepting the fact that I’ve brought a couple of things to our group that have been helpful. It was a phenomenal thing putting this group together. The good news is that I’m not afraid of dying. It’s more work to stay alive now. I would love to go to sleep after you all leave and not wake up. It’s all a new experience, as I approached this thing of dying in light of the societal ignorance about dying. Dan and I were in the same writing group for many years, and we would write about that.

My greatest blessing in my life has been my sister. For some reason we connected deeply across the decade between us. Then later in my life, I was able to do some work with my brother Pete despite geographic distance. He has made it possible for me to live here in this home. I don’t know how people get through life without that kind of help.

Jack and I go back to college and God almighty we’ve shared so much “stuff.”

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Brother Peter: Winnie told me years ago while working with hospice, that the greatest fear a person has when dying is pain and loneliness. John has had no pain, and the men in this group have made it possible for John not to be lonely. Not too many people have such love and support. It’s good for you all to know that … (long pause) ... (tearfully) so John, no pain, no loneliness, right? (John nods.)

Winnie: So growing up with these two guys, and of course, also with Chuck, our other brother who died 19 years ago, well, they were an “item” – 5, 7 and almost 10 years older than I. Mother called them “The boys!” I was not close with them until later. You know we all had jobs, families, busy with kids and were living in different geographic locations. When Mom died, I was 40 and John was 49.

John: “We were sitting on a hill behind the hospital in Leesburg, Virginia after the successful surgery, then went home and later got the call that Mom died suddenly of post-op complications. It was after that that we became really close for the past 40 years. We’ve talked a lot about what is life, why is it the way it is, why do people suffer, how to forgive and how to love.

Winnie: I’ve always been his editor for his articles. I told him recently that in the past few months, I might find a typo, but the content would flow out in almost perfect form, which was not the case in the beginning. When I was moving back to the Midwest almost 11 years ago to be near my only grandchild, I mentioned to our dear friend (and dentist!) Marty that some were asking me, “How can you move away from your brother?” John was 77 at the time. Marty said, “Oh, don’t worry about John. He’ll reinvent himself the way he always has.” And he did. That’s when he began writing. Well, really you began writing 20 years ago which was the gift from Pam Roberts at Cancer Connection after your first bout of cancer.

John: That was a gift. Then Pam went on to lead the Monday morning writing group that Dan and I have been part of for so long.

James: Speaking of Pam, I worked with John and her and others on making this book, “Words to Live By,” which if you haven’t seen it, it’s a collection of poems by people who passed through the doors of Cancer Connection and other poets. All the photographs were taken by a member of the Men’s Group at Cancer Connection. I did a lot of the work to design; the poets all gave their permission, but John is the one who pushed it over the finish line. It took seven years with the pandemic in between. You just kept at it.

And also there’s another book, about the Temenos Men’s Group which John and I were a part of. We met at Temenos Retreat Center twice a year and John took pictures with his phone. He captured these little vignettes of life, the feel of the people and the place. John, you had a great eye and great heart to capture those moments in pictures. They’re very intimate.

John: Temenos was a place of silence and introspection and deep, deep sharing. I was also gifted to be in a mix of people in the Living Fully, Aging Gracefully, Befriending Death group. We all shared our love, fear, emotions, being together in that kind of mix in the world in which we live. It was a deep gift.

James: You are deeply loved by all of us, and you inspired us by your life.

Ken: As William Blake wrote:

“The cistern contains.

The fountain overflows.”

John, you have been a fountain to the world, to people, to the arts, to all of us. We thank you.

John: So I leave being a leader on how to approach death. I know it’s different for everyone.

Dan: There’s another group that you’ve been important to. That’s the Monday morning writing group. We used to share rants. The last few years you stopped ranting. It was more kind of a calm wisdom that came through. I think I can speak for the whole group: We’re going to miss you.

Peter S.: We’re so thankful to you, John, and all you’ve done to make this Men’s Group happen. A lot of men don’t do this. Men don’t sit around and talk about our feelings. Feelings? My wife is a former psychotherapist. She says, “You didn’t know what feelings are, Peter. You’re learning.”

John: Well, I feel embraced by you all in a way that I never thought possible. And now, the time is coming when I have to take a nap again.

And I love you all for being (pause) … each of you and all of you! It’s amazing that eight bozos can come together.

Much laughter

John: OK I have to say goodnight to everybody now.

John Bos, who died on Dec. 11, began writing his Connecting the Dots column in 2010 for the West County Independent in Shelburne Falls, moving to the Greenfield Recorder in June 2021, thanks to former editor, Joan Livingston. He has attempted to make sense of everything that is going on. He has asked his sister, Winnie Ganshaw, who has served as his editor, to complete his thoughts today. As always, comments are invited, now at [email protected].