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Look, you don’t have to wait for a special occasion to treat yourself – just because it’s October doesn’t mean you have to wait ’til the big C word for a present.
No people, many of us are looking for Christmas to cum come early this year and what better gift to find under the tree (or covers) than the key to a not-so-silent night. Yup, we’re talking sex toys.
Fortunately, I’ve selfless tested my way through hundreds of sex toys over the years (I know, it’s a real low point of the job) and trust me when I say not all vibrators are created equally.
So listen up, because these are the 10 best toys to buy yourself if you’ve been very, very good lately (or gift to someone else).
Yes, it looks a bit like an ear cleaner but when I say this is the best sex toy I tried in the entirety of 2023, I'm not exaggerating. This truly is the hill I'm willing to die on (while having the best orgasms of my life).
Here's the gist – the LELO DOT is a clitoral pinpoint vibrator (which is why it looks like that) and is used externally. Traditional vibrators may numb the area around the clitoris but, thanks to DOT's soft and bendable tip, you can experiment with different angles without overstimulating one area.
And by being able to pinpoint different areas... well, hello multiple orgasms.
I have a rotation of fave sex toys in my drawer(s), but LELO DOT will always have a special place in my heart (and pants).
Crafted by mothers, The Whisperer has been created specifically to help people reconnect with their bodies and sexuality after the unique and extraordinary experience of childbirth.
For full disclosure: I’m not a new parent nor have I ever had a child, but I can find a LOT of vibes too intense for me (I’m sensitive, what can I say).
Before even turning on The Whisperer I was so taken aback by how soft and squishy it is – it’s described as a ‘lipstick vibrator’ but normally they’re rock hard, this compact silicone toy is anything but. Talk about being gentle on your delicate parts.
Don’t let its squishy exterior and quietness fool you however, it can still pack a punch depending on which setting you use and how hard you apply the vibe to your clitoris.
Alongside new parents and those with sensitivity issues, The Whisperer would be perfect for anyone new to using vibrators as well. It’s anything but intimidating (and super aesthetically pleasing).
No, no, this is exactly what you think it is.
You'll be hard pushed to find a vulva-owner who hasn't enjoyed the pleasure a shower head can bring – but Womanizer decided to choose violence and create a shower head specifically designed for masturbating with.
A collaboration between bathroom fitting experts Hansgrohe and pleasure pioneers Womanizer, this beauty is a 2-in-1 shower head and water massager for clitoral stimulation. It's subtle enough that house guests will assume it's just a regular shower head... but you know the truth, don't you?
Simply click between settings using a single button control to choose between an opulent shower or an intense water-driven orgasmic stimulation – god it's great fun.
The only con? You'll struggle to get out the shower. Sorry.
I love So Divine. The brand believe sex toys should be fun for everyone and that there's nothing shameful about self-care, which is why you’ll find their products in mainstream outlets such as Tesco and Boots.
Out of all the toys I tried over this year, their G-Spot Vibrator was a serious go-to. It does exactly what you want, it is easy to use and internal pinpointed pleasure is a breeze to achieve.
The vibrator is also another perfect beginner-friendly option that comes with a budget price point.
Other thrusting dildos on the market can be pretty cumbersome and clunky – but not Yarrow.
Honestly it's smooth motion will stop you from texting the person you shouldn't after a night out – it's truly doing god's work out here.
It even comes with a soft, subtle and flexible clitoral vibrator – honestly, what else do you need?
TNLC company plants a tree for every vibrator purchased, so you're actually helping the world by having an orgasm with one of their toys – how selfless!
And let's be real – this is probably the most beautiful sex toy we've ever seen. The Namii's wireless charging base also serves as a mood lamp and no one will blame you for putting it on display.
Its shape is also designed for hands-free pleasure – you're encouraged to wedge it between your thighs, which leaves your hands-free for other fun (with or without a partner).
What we really love about Biird as a brand though? All of their toys come with instructions as to how anyone, regardless of gender, can enjoy their toys. Fun for everyone!
We're dubbing this toy the best 'eco-wank' of 2023. Let us explain.
Love Not War are an award-winning brand who create all of their eco-friendly vibrators in their custom built, green powered factory using recycled drink cans, with just four 330ml cans providing enough aluminium to produce one toy.
And as for the toy itself, well, it certainly packs a punch. All of the brand's products are rechargeable and come in two parts, the base and the head, meaning that the base is interchangeable with all of the heads in the range.
We tried out the base 'Power Of Love' and the 'Amore' head – and as they put it on their website: "When the vibe hits your clit and the climax won’t quit, that’s AMORE."
The head was also probably the softest silicone we've come across – 10/10 recommend for the eco-warrior who loves a wank in your life.
Apart from being ridiculously pretty, the Iroha Midori is one of the softest, squishiest toys we've ever come across.
Don't expect hardcore pinpointed pleasure with this gentle toy, but this baby is the ultimate beginner-friendly vibrator and is an all-round people pleaser. Orgasms are 'broader' and the toy is perfect for those of you who like something to grind against to reach climax.
It's proper quality back to basics masturbating – three speed settings, four patterns, job done.
And in probably one of the oddest sentences we've written about a sex toy – it has a dust repelling coating and honestly, what a joy. Don't expect any hair or lint stuck to it, even if it's accidentally left under your duvet.
That ‘U’ shape is designed to cradle and not penetrate – its layering technology surrounds the clitoris with deep ripples of vibration but not directly, unlike the way you’d use a bullet for example.
The crucial part of using The U is that it takes time – this won’t be one of your usual speedy wham bam thank you ma’am type of orgasms, it’s a process.
Because of this, you really have to commit to taking time for yourself and put more thought into your ‘self-care’ – good things come to those who wait and yup, Ann Summers aren’t messing about with what this delivers.
It’s not often that we have the opportunity to learn more about our bodies and The U offers this – and once you’ve sussed out what works for you, expect a ‘wave’ type orgasm which engulfs the entire vulva.
Fun fact: the founder behind the sex toy is actress Charlie Brooks, who is best-known for her role as Janine in Eastenders.
You might think this looks like a regular schmegular sex toy, but oh dear reader, how wrong you are.
Why? Because the shaft and clit stimulator of the Hot Lover toy by Satisfyer heat up.
And don't expect any lukewarm results – its temperature-raising function provides an intense stimulation experience.
The two powerful motors can also be controlled independently of each other using the control panel on the vibrator or the app... which means you leave the controls of the vibrator up to someone else as well.
Talk about cozying up...