How to Recognize the Signs of Emotional Abuse

Humiliation, negating, and criticizing

Someone abusing you may use different tactics to undermine your self-esteem.

Examples include:

• Name-calling and derogatory nicknames: They may blatantly call you “stupid,” a “loser,” or use other insults. Maybe they use terms of “endearment” that actually highlight things you’re sensitive about — “my little nail biter” or “my chubby pumpkin” — and ignore your requests to stop.
• Character assassination: This typically involves the word “always.” You’re always late, wrong, screwing up, disagreeable, and so on. They might say these things to you, or use them to describe your behavior to others.
• Yelling: Screaming, yelling, and swearing can intimidate you and make you feel small and inconsequential. Maybe they never hit you, but they do pound their fist, throw things, or damage property.
• Public embarrassment: They pick fights, share your secrets, or make fun of your shortcomings in public.
• Dismissiveness: You share something important to you, and they reply with, “What? Who cares about that?” Body language like eye rolling, smirking, head shaking, and sighing help convey the same message.
• “Joking”: When you express discomfort with something they’ve said, they snap back, “Can’t you take a joke? Grow up.” You’re left feeling foolish and wondering whether you are, in fact, too sensitive.
• Belittling your accomplishments: They brush off your achievements, saying they don’t matter, or claim responsibility for your successes.

Control and shame

Abusive behavior relates to the desire to maintain power and control. Someone abusing you might attempt to manipulate you into doing what they want you to do, often by making you feel ashamed of your inadequacies.

They may try to control you by:

• Monitoring your whereabouts: They always want to know where you are and insist you respond to calls or texts immediately. They might show up at your work or school, just to check you did actually go there.
• Spying on you digitally: They demand your passwords, or insist you go password-free, and regularly check your internet history, emails, texts, and call log.
• Gaslighting: Someone abusing you may deny that specific events, arguments, or agreements ever happened. This tactic can leave you questioning your own memory, not to mention your mental health and well-being.
• Making all the decisions: This might involve closing a joint bank account and canceling doctor’s appointments. They may insist you withdraw from school and resign from work, or do so on your behalf. Or maybe they tell you what to wear, what to eat (and how much), or which friends you can spend time with.
• Giving direct orders: From “I don’t care what happened. You stay here until you get that client back, or you’re fired,” to “Stop taking the pill,” they expect you to do everything they say without question.
• Unpredictability: They explode for no clear reason, then suddenly shower you with affection. Or maybe their mood shifts from upbeat to angry with little warning, leaving you never sure what to expect.
• Stonewalling you: During a disagreement or conflict, they shut down, refusing to respond to your attempts to communicate.

Accusing, blaming, and denial

People who abuse others often try to create a hierarchy that puts them at the top and you at the bottom. This is also known as a power imbalance.

Examples might include:

• Goading and blaming: People who manipulate and abuse typically know just how to upset you. But once you do get upset, they pin the blame back on you — after all, it’s your fault for being so sensitive and incompetent.
• Jealousy: They accuse you of flirting or cheating, or say you’d spend all your time with them if you truly loved them.
• Using guilt: They might try to guilt-trip you into doing something by saying things like, “You owe me this. Look at all I’ve done for you,” in an attempt to get their way.
• Trivializing: When you explain how much something they said or did upset you and hurt your feelings, they accuse you of overreacting or misunderstanding the situation.
• Blaming you for their problems: When things go wrong, they always blame you. If only you’d been a more loving child, a more supportive partner, or a better parent, they might say, their life would be fantastic.

Emotional neglect and isolation

Someone abusing you will generally try to get you to prioritize their needs and neglect your own.

Often, they’ll also make an effort to isolate you by coming between you and your supportive loved ones — a step which, of course, leaves you more dependent on them.

Tactics they might use include:

• Dehumanizing you: They’ll intentionally look away when you’re talking or stare at something else when speaking to you in an effort to make you feel unimportant.
• Keeping you from socializing: Whenever you have plans to go out, they come up with a distraction or beg you not to go.
• Invalidating you: They might suggest or say straight out that your needs, boundaries, and desires don’t matter to them.
• Trying to come between you and your loved ones: They’ll tell friends or family members you don’t want to see them, or make excuses why you can’t attend events. Later, they might tell you that your loved ones don’t care about you or think there’s something wrong with you.
• Using the silent treatment: They might ignore your attempts at conversation in person, via text, or over the phone.
• Actively working to turn others against you: They might tell other people in your life, including co-workers, friends, and even your family, that you lie, have lost touch with reality, or have had an emotional breakdown.
• Interrupting: They might get in your face when you’re in the middle of an activity and take away your phone or anything else in your hands to let you know your attention should be on them.
• Disputing your feelings: No matter what feeling or emotion you express, they might insist you shouldn’t feel that way. For example, “You shouldn’t be angry over that,” or “What have you got to feel sad about?”

How to deal with emotional abuse

If you believe you’re experiencing emotional abuse, trust your instincts.

These tips offer a place to start:

• Don’t try to fix them: You may want to help, but it’s often difficult for abusive people to change their behavior without professional support. You can encourage them to work with a therapist, but they have to make the choice themselves.
• Avoid self-blame: Remember, you never deserve abuse, no matter what you’ve said or done. The only person responsible is the one engaging in abusive behavior.
• Prioritize your needs: Taking care of your physical and emotional needs can help you move forward to a place where you feel comfortable setting boundaries, reaching out for support, and leaving the abusive situation.
• Set personal boundaries: Decide how you’ll avoid responding to manipulation or getting pulled into arguments. Express those limits to the person using abuse tactics and stick to them. You might say, for example, “If you call me names, I’ll go home,” or, “If you start teasing me in public, I’ll leave.”
• Build a support network: It might feel frightening to open up about what you’ve experienced, but reaching out to loved ones and a supportive therapist can go a long way toward helping you get the support you need to heal.
• Give yourself time to heal: Take space to focus on your needs and recovery. This might involve rediscovering your sense of self, creating a new self-care routine, and talking with a therapist who can offer guidance with recovery.

Leaving an abusive relationship

Leaving an abusive relationship often proves more challenging if you’re married, have children, or have shared assets. If that’s your situation, a good next step involves seeking legal assistance.

A domestic violence advocate or mental health professional can also help you develop an exit plan to leave the relationship safely.

The following resources can also help you come up with a plan:

• DomesticShelters.org: Visit this website for educational information, a free hotline, and a searchable database of services in your area.
• Love Is Respect: This nonprofit organization offers teens and young adults a chance to chat online, call, or text with advocates.

The bottom line

Emotional abuse involves attempts to frighten, control, or isolate you. This type of abuse doesn’t involve physical violence, though it might involve threats of violence directed toward you or your loved ones. It’s characterized by a person’s words, actions, and the consistency of these behaviors.

If you believe you’re experiencing emotional abuse, trust your instincts. A domestic violence advocate or mental health professional can also help you develop an exit plan to leave the relationship safely.

If you fear immediate physical violence, get to a safe place if you can. You can also call 911 or your local emergency services for help.