Some tips to help you stop people-pleasing include showing kindness when you mean it, putting yourself first, and learning to set boundaries, among others.

People-pleasing might not sound all that bad. After all, what’s wrong with being nice to people and trying to help them out or make them happy?

But people-pleasing generally goes beyond simple kindness. It involves “editing or altering words and behaviors for the sake of another person’s feelings or reactions,” explains Erika Myers, a therapist in Bend, OR.

You might go out of your way to do things for the people in your life, based on what you assume they want or need. You give up your time and energy to get them to like you.

Myers says this is how people-pleasing can cause trouble. “The urge to please others can be damaging to ourselves and, potentially, to our relationships when we allow other people’s wants to have more importance than our own needs,” Myers says.

Still not sure if you’re a people pleaser or just extremely kind to others?

Here’s a look at some telltale signs of people-pleasing.

  • You have low self-esteem.
  • You’re afraid of rejection.
  • It’s hard for you to say “no.”
  • You need others to like you.
  • You apologize or accept fault when you aren’t to blame.
  • You’re quick to agree, even when you don’t really agree.
  • You struggle with knowing how you really feel.
  • You’re a giver.
  • You don’t have any free time.
  • Arguments and conflicts deeply affect you.

People-pleasing isn’t inherently negative, according to Myers. “Part of having relationships with others involves taking their wants, needs, and feelings into account.” These tendencies often come from a place of concern and affection.

But trying to earn the regard of others usually means you neglect your own needs and feelings. In a way, you’re putting on an act. You’re doing what you think people want so they like you. You might only pretend to enjoy helping, since this is part of keeping people happy.

This isn’t exactly honest, and over time, people-pleasing can hurt you and your relationships. Here’s how it may negatively affect you:

  • You develop resentment toward others.
  • You find that people take advantage of you.
  • Your relationships stop satisfying you.
  • You experience stress and burnout.
  • Your partners or friends become frustrated with you.

If you want to break the pattern of people-pleasing, recognizing how these behaviors show up in your life is a good first step. Increasing awareness around the ways you tend to people-please can help you start making changes.

Show kindness when you mean it

It’s perfectly fine — and even a good thing — to practice kindness. But kindness doesn’t come from a desire to earn approval, and it generally doesn’t involve any motive beyond wanting to make things better for someone else.

Before you offer help, consider your intentions and how the act will make you feel. Does the opportunity to help someone else bring you joy? Or will you feel resentful if the act isn’t returned?

Practice putting yourself first

You need energy and emotional resources to help others. If you don’t take care of yourself, you won’t be capable of doing anything for anyone else. Putting your own needs first isn’t selfish — it’s healthy.

“It’s OK to be a giving, caring person,” Myers says. “It’s also important, however, to honor and tend to our own needs.”

Keep in mind that needs can involve things like offering your opinion in a work meeting, getting comfortable with your emotions and feelings, and asking for what you need in your relationship.

Learn to set boundaries

According to Myers, developing healthy boundaries is an important step in overcoming people-pleasing behaviors.

The next time someone asks for help, or you’re tempted to intervene, consider:

  • How you feel about the action: Is it something you want to do, or are you dreading it?
  • Whether you have time to see to your own needs first: Will you have to sacrifice limited free time or skip out on a necessary chore?
  • How helping will make you feel: Will it make you feel happy or resentful?

Wait until you’re asked for help

No matter what the problem is, you’re always ready with a solution. You volunteer for housekeeping tasks at work and jump in with suggestions when a friend mentions any kind of problem.

Next time, challenge yourself to wait until someone explicitly asks for help.

If your partner goes off on a rant about how awful their boss is, for example, show how much you care by listening instead of listing off tips to deal with the situation. They may want empathy and validation more than anything else.

Talk with a therapist

It’s not always easy to break long-standing patterns by yourself, especially ones that form in childhood or as a result of trauma.

A therapist can help you explore what’s behind your need to keep people happy. Even if there doesn’t seem to be a clear cause, they can offer guidance on coping strategies to help you address specific ways you tend to people-please.

Here are five affordable therapy options to get you started.

People-pleasing might sound like a nice thing, but it doesn’t do you or your loved ones any favors. If you feel exhausted from trying to keep everyone happy, consider talking with a therapist about how you can make yourself happy first.

Crystal Raypole has previously worked as a writer and editor for GoodTherapy. Her fields of interest include Asian languages and literature, Japanese translation, cooking, natural sciences, sex positivity, and mental health. In particular, she’s committed to helping decrease stigma around mental health issues.