After a string of scrappy, self-released EPs, last June SZA dropped her first major-label album, the alt-R&B record Ctrl. It’s all twentysomething angst and insecurities, stunningly rendered in the St. Louis–born and New Jersey–raised singer’s four-octave range, with a heart of neo-soul and pop—part Erykah Badu, a dash of Björk. Just six months after its release, SZA had unanimous praise, a video directed by Solange, a track with Kendrick Lamar for Black Panther. She even killed it on SNL. If the charts didn’t already prove SZA was a star, the five Grammy nominations—including Best New Artist—solidified it.
Then she was shut out for every single award.
After losing, SZA was frustrated, “mad as hell.†The Internet was pissed off on her behalf, especially because she lost Best New Artist to Alessia Cara. The reaction, meant to defend SZA, only made her feel worse about the whole thing. “You feel like you’re really falling short and you fucking failed [your fans],†she says. A month out, she’s still getting over it. The experience was humbling, and now she’s just grateful that her ego is back in check. After all, SZA didn’t make Ctrl for the Grammys. For her, “this is something much bigger than me and a fucking trophy.†She’s just being honest.
GQ called SZA to ask how she’s holding up.
GQ: You said your Grammy nominations were the most surreal thing that’s happened to you in your career, so tell me about your first experience. You brought your mom and grandmother to the ceremony, which was really sweet.
SZA: Definitely surviving the red carpet was wild. Like, standing still, not flinching and making weird faces.
Did you guys party afterwards?
No, we definitely went back [to the hotel]. I smoked a bunch of blunts, showed Granny the penthouse I was staying in. My mom hung for a bit and then she went to bed! So that was cool.
People were pretty up in arms that you weren’t the biggest winner of the night. How did you feel coming out of that?
I felt a shift. Like, I came a really long-ass way. I didn’t imagine this album doing much anyway. I was so grateful to even have been honored by being nominated and having so many people fuck with my music. I feel like at some point you start to get sucked up into the accolades and you’re like, Oh, this is what this is about, and this is what quantifies my success or me as an artist or a human being.
We reached a billion streams on Spotify. The United States fucks with my songs. We’re changing little girls’ lives across the world, and we didn’t even know what we were doing when we started. This is something much bigger than me and a fucking trophy. I’m appreciative of the opportunity. But shit happens.
Do you feel like your loss at the Grammys was not necessarily a wake-up call, but a reintroduction to why you got into making music in the first place?
Kind of! Afterward I felt really free and light. It was super weird. I felt like I had all this weight off my shoulders. For certain things, maybe it’s worth really giving a fuck, but I still think it’s always worth giving a fuck. It’s just learning how to process the lesson, the opportunity, the gift of the moment, rather than just letting your ego dictate what it all means. That was hard, but it was a really beautiful lesson. I’m super grateful.
Did you write any speeches?
I did not! I have a weird theory that had I written a speech, things would have went differently.
Are you serious?
Yeah, but I think things were supposed to go the way they went. I did have a weird inkling to write a speech several times, and usually my inklings are popping! I’m learning myself and learning how to listen to myself. I didn’t make my album with the Grammys in mind, and I’m definitely not gonna make my second one with the Grammys in mind. I’m just gonna make really good fucking music and just try to touch people.
I’m sure you’re happy to have some time off after the Grammys and before your Championship tour this summer. After working so hard for a year, does it feel weird to have free time?
When I first started touring, opening for Jhené Aiko, I was really tired. I was throwing up and I had pneumonia. My body just wasn’t used to working. But then, the second tour, I ended up losing a gang of weight because I really think the lifestyle of moving, moving, moving really distracted me from eating. And I tend to eat when I’m just bored or have shit on my mind. This time it was just like a whole new level of conditioning. I was like, No, you’re the headliner. You have to give more energy in your show. And you can’t be tired and cranky. When I first started, I was really fucking cranky. That shit was hard.
It’s learning to adjust to a new lifestyle.
Right! It took me eight months to stop screaming, “This isn’t fair!†Just in terms of like, Oh, I’m sleepy. Around month four or five, I started not being sleepy. I could just get up and go at any time, even three o’clock in the morning. Now I’m up as fuck!
Do you feel like you are in a battle with your ego?
Yeah, of course! I don’t think of the ego in terms of who I am to other people. I think of it in terms of who I am to myself and when I take shit personally. Shit like the Grammys. I can have an attitude and really take that shit an ugly-ass way and get caught up in the wrong moment and miss everything about it. Miss the whole blessing in it. But you gotta identify the ego so that you can get over it.
Then it’s the tricky part where you have fans working from their ego. Some of them are super entitled and angry, and it starts to make you feel like you’re really falling short and you fucking failed them. It starts to get weird. It’s like, Is this my ego? Do I need to be a savior?
You'd think having all of these people excessively posting or vocalizing their support for you after losing would be uplifting and flattering. But on the receiving end, that’s difficult to take.
You know, I never looked at the Internet [after the Grammys]. I never looked at anything anyone ever said after that online—not once. The only time I ever heard about it was in person, when someone walked up to me and was like, “You were robbed†or whatever the fuck. I was like, “I feel you.†My home girl actually showed me Alessia [Cara]’s post and I thought, This is really crazy.
I just didn’t know how to take it. I didn’t say anything, I didn’t post, because I’ve never had to deal with anything I really believed in wholeheartedly, or invested in, and went through something that publicly before. I wanted to be honest as fuck, and if today I’m just mad as hell, I don’t want to say something that reflects me being mad as hell. But I definitely feel blessed now. I also don’t feel compelled to explain myself.
If anything, I feel compelled to express that I really, really fuck with Alessia Cara. She’s beautiful as fuck, her voice is like water, it’s like milk, I think it’s gorgeous. It has so much dimension, and she deserves every accolade that she gets. And people can’t be mad. I don’t give a fuck when her album came out! She sounds great right now! So, like, it’s over. You have to just move over and be grateful for the shit that did happen in your favor.
That’s refreshing—there are so many people who would just say it was an honor to be nominated and keep it moving, but not say how upset they were!
It’s just fucking weird! Everything about this is gratis for me, because I didn’t expect any of this shit to happen. I was unpopular my whole life. In high school, in fucking elementary school, in middle school, in college, and even the workplace. There’s a story that God is writing, and I’m here for it.
That’s a beautiful and mature way to think of it.
Aw, I was mad as hell for a little while, girl. Don’t trip!
Interview has been edited and condensed.