I Have An Xbox One... Deal With It

It happened. It's over with. It's also just beginning. The thing that many believe to be the bane of my existence, the culmination of all that one might believe to be a vile and insidious amalgamation of plastic and bits within the sector of technology, the very fabric that defines the layout of evil in the form of silicon and die, is now within my grasp. That's right, I have an Xbox One... deal with it.

I was provided with the big black box by Cinema Blend as a way to cover the ever evolving landscape of home interactive entertainment. Being able to carry out definitive reports from within the line of enemy fire is the best way to get the most accurate reports out there... and that's exactly where we are, on the front line; facing down a horde of intangible unknowns waiting for a headline and a few paragraphs of witty snark to carry the gaming community through the day. We're there, we're here, and the Xbox One is right in the thick of it with us.

I'm sure many of you have a pile of questions, a lot of confusion rummaging through the bologna hewn sculpture called a brain, wondering about a number of things you might think will never get answered. Well, I'm here to answer them... and I'll do just that. I imagine most regular readers at Gaming Blend will ask the most blatant of questions...

Does this mean you're now a bona fide fanboy for Microsoft?

Do lesbian proctologists love their work? Does Ron Paul attending a Black Panther meeting make him forward thinking? Will you find Hitler posters at a bar mitzvah? Does a gay gynecologist find himself craving pie? Will you ever find a Republican house representative volunteering at a homeless shelter? Will Russian hackers ever get jobs and stop pirating? Oh heck no!

Do you like the Xbox One?

About as much as Geoff Keighley enjoyed getting the ever-living dignity gutted from his multi-layered torso and thrown onto the floor by Joel McHale at the 2013 Cringe Awards.

Is the Xbox One easy to use?

I'll put it this way: if a man had nothing but a schlong, a tongue and one eye, he could still find a way to turn on and operate the Xbox One.

Are there any games you're looking forward to playing on the Xbox One?

What was that question about Hitler posters at bat mitzvahs? Exactly.

Will we see you on Xbox Live?

About as frequently as a troubled young woman who accidentally ended up on 4Chan.

Will you be playing popular Xbox One games online?

Will Microsoft stop allowing the NSA to watch people have sex in front of Kinect? Will little kids scream less? Will parents start doing their jobs? I think that answers that question.

Have you sold out and become a Doritocrat?

I've always enjoyed eating crunchy Doritos™ and drinking Mountain Dew® on hot summer days. Now will someone tell the Dorito Pope to send me that $5? Taco Bell ain't cheap.

So what can we expect now that you have an Xbox One?

It's like I've just turned into Owen Wilson from Behind Enemy Lines... no surrender, no retreat. If someone says “You can't see the difference between 720p and 1080p!” I can say, “Yes you can” and put up a blurry screenshot of a jaggie game. If someone says “The load times aren't bad” I can sit and wait for nearly half an hour as a game loads and then say “If it were possible, my PC could get pregnant and have a kid faster than the Xbox One loads a game”.

Will you review Xbox One games?

It depends, will Xbox One games stop looking like the Minecraft engine accidentally ate Terraria and excreted 720p turds?

Is the Xbox One really as big and ugly as all the pictures make it look?

It's actually a lot sexier in real life, just like Sandra Bernhard.

So does this mean you're going to be less biased and write less hateful things about the Xbox One?

Just the opposite. You can expect even more biased articles and even more rosy-faced reactions from reputation management since I can just turn on the Xbox One and experience first-hand proof to come up with a story that will rustle Jimmies, hurt butts and wrinkle cheeks with incessant salt.

What now?

Prepare for more salty, butthurt Xbox fanboys with rustled Jimmies. Remember, I have an Xbox One now... #DealWithIt.