Adventures of the Big 12: The BBQ

The strong scent of barbecue floats in the air as Big 12 officials and members socialize in a courtyard. A stage stands in the center, and a "Welcome Members" banner hangs over it, while red and white balloons are scattered all over. Stevie Ray Vaughn music plays in the background...

Commissioner Bob Bowlsby walks up to the center of the stage, picks up his microphone, and begins addressing the crowd...

Bowlsby: Good afternoon, everyone. It's great to be here amongst such esteemed institutions. This past year was a great year for the conference, and I'd like to take a couple of minutes to recognize a few of the major achievements we witnessed this past year.

But, first, I need to thank one of our newest members, West Virginia, for agreeing to cater this event. Everyone give a warm, "Thank you," to our friend from Morgantown.

West Virginia: Thank you, everybody. I hope you enjoy it. Everything should be ready in about ten minutes.

Bowlsby: Excellent. Thank you, sir. Now, back to recognitions. First, to Kansas State, I'd like to congratulate you on winning three conference championships in the past year. It's not every day one of the small budget schools, that shares a small state with a non-existent recruiting base, Gumps their way into a "Triple Crown". So, kudos.

To everyone else, I'd like for you to take a good, long hard look at yourselves because this guy is now your gold standard, which means that unless you'd like to start playing your games on CBS College Sports with the rest of Conference U.S.Who Gives a Shit?, stop being a bunch of ass-hats and start winning something.

Kansas: Hey, I won a women's track title!

Oklahoma: Uh, softball, bro.

Bowlsby: Point taken. Let me rephrase. Stop being a bunch of ass-hats and win something people give a shit about.

Kansas: Not cool.

Bowlsby: Not cool is blowing a #1 seed for the eighty billionth time. Tragic is bragging about women's track, dork.

Oklahoma makes a gesture to respond and Bowlsby looks him right in the eye...

Bowlsby: Cotton Bowl. Johnny Football. Shut the fuck up.

Oklahoma starts to get red faced and his eyes begin to water...

Bowlsby: You know, I had a really nice speech prepared for you guys, and it only took me thirty seconds before you pissed me off enough to let "Bad Bob" out. I can totally understand why you all drove Beebe to the nut house after dealing with your shit for the past year. I'm a serious administrator for Christ sakes, and I'm stuck here making you guys money you don't deserve. I mean...what in the hell is he doing?

Bowlsby points to Texas Tech adjusting his hair using an empty serving tray, humming, and slightly gyrating...

Texas: Well, ever since he hired Kliff Kingsbury, he started acting...strange.

Bowlsby: I see that. You didn't answer my question. What is he doing?

Texas: He's "Getting his swag on".

Bowlsby: I don't understand what that means.

Kansas State: Well, it means that he only speaks using hash tag language and, for the past few months, he's responded to every question with a line from Robin Thicke's song Blurred Lines.

Bowlsby: Every question?

Texas: Every question.

Bowlsby: Tech, what are you doing?

Tech: MAYBE I'M GOING DEAF. MAYBE I'M GOING BLIND. MAYBE I'M OUT OF MY MIND.

Bowlsby: What do you plan on doing today?

Tech: TALK ABOUT GETTING BLASTED

Oklahoma: What were you thinking when Tommy Tubberville dumped you guys right around signing day?

Tech: WHAT RHYMES WITH HUG ME?

Bowlsby: Jesus, I've seen enough.

Tech: #comeatmebro

Bowlsby: Alright, well, speaking of Robin Thicke, Texas has been kind enough to get Robin to come perform for us this afternoon and...

Texas: Eh hem.

Bowlsby: Yes?

Texas walks up to the stage and whispers in Bowlsby's ear. Bowlsby looks pissed and covers the mic with his hand but can be heard...

Bowlsby: What do you mean he's not coming? Why in the Hell would you book Alan Thicke? What's he going to do? A monologue from Growing Pains? You know this is just like that Notre Dame shit all over again...

Bowlsby uncovers the mic...

Bowlsby: Alright, guys. We're apparently not getting Robin Thicke. You'll get Alan Thicke later after he gets done, I don't know, being Canadian. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to hop on the private jet and head to Birmingham. As a part of the Sugar Bowl agreement, I'm to bring Slive three sacrificial virgins before the start of each season so he can bathe in their blood and steal their essence or whatever freaky ass voodoo shit he does. Try not to embarrass yourselves, or me, any more than normal today.

Bowlsby walks off the stage and heads to the car...

Oklahoma State: He was cranky, yo.

Oklahoma: Eh, last year didn't end well. Bad bowl season, bad NCAA tournament, and no teams in the College World Series.

Kansas State: And it doesn't help that the new guys didn't have very good years, either.

TCU: Hey, it's not my fault. I was very up front about the atrocious basketball program.

Kansas State: (Looks at Kansas...) Well, not THAT atrocious...

Kansas: Screw you. We won the Big 12!

Kansas State: Kiss the ring, bitch.

Texas: Guys, I thought we were past all of this bickering. We're still healing, remember?

TCU: Yeah, this makes me uncomfortable...

Oklahoma: Listen, noob, go sit in the corner, with your argyle sweater, and read a Restoration Hardware catalog while the big boys talk.

TCU: That's really insensitive. Plus, the lamps are cool. Fun story. I got this end table there once made out of...

Texas slaps TCU in the face...

Texas: You deserved every bit of that. Now go sit down.

TCU: Alright, alright!

Tech: #harshbro

Texas slaps Tech in the face...

Tech: CAUSE NOW YOU WINNING

Oklahoma slaps Tech in the face...

Oklahoma: Goddammit, stop it.

Tech: #ouch

Oklahoma State: Man, everyone just calm down!

Texas: You're right. I'm sorry. Maybe we're all just hungry. West Virginia, how is that food coming along?

West Virginia: Good. It should be ready. I hope you all enjoy it.

West Virginia puts on heaping amounts of barbecue onto everyone's plates, and it all looks great...

Oklahoma State: This is sweet, man. This is really choice.

Oklahoma: I have to say that I'm really impressed. We have outstanding barbecue in Big 12 country, but this is some of the best I've ever had. What is your secret?

West Virginia: Well, I don't want to give away all of my secrets, but I'm really generous with brown sugar. And I have a rub to die for. Also, the tires I used to cook it on were really, really high quality. And the squirrels and opossum were really great cuts of meat this year.

Kansas State: (Stops eating and looks at West Virginia...) Squirrel and opossum?

West Virginia: Oh, yeah. There were so many of them running across the highways this year, we didn't even have to go hunting. We just got the shovels out and...

A mass spitting sound is heard across the courtyard...

West Virginia: What? You're telling me that you guys don't eat squirrel and opossum? Next thing you know, you'll be telling me that you don't cook over used furniture, auto parts, and other forms of scrap metal.

Texas: Of course we don't cook over used furniture! What is wrong with you?

West Virginia: I just don't get you Midwesterners...

Kansas State: The gap between us isn't just geography, is it, bro?

West Virginia: (Sigh) I guess not. I guess the janitor over there will go get it.

Iowa State: For the last fucking time, I'm not the Goddamn janitor! I'm a member of this conference!

Iowa State storms out...

Texas: Hey, has anyone seen Baylor?

Oklahoma: I talked to him last week. He said that he was gaining funds to build his new mega-church.

Texas: I thought it was a football stadium?

Oklahoma: He said that was a ploy to get money to build the church. He said it's real purpose is to host Michael W. Smith concerts and Promise Keepers rallies. He also hopes to, and I quote, "Make a place so nice Joel Osteen will ask you for your money there."

Tech: THAT MAN IS NOT YOUR MAKER

Texas: I really wish you'd stop that.

Tech: GO AHEAD, GET AT ME

All of a sudden, an audible gasp is heard from the dispersed crowd as a man walks towards the group...

Texas A&M: Hi.

Texas: What are you doing here? How did you get in here? Where are your pants?

Texas A&M is wearing a nice maroon Adidas polo shirt, Adidas shoes, and no pants...

Texas A&M: I was invited to the members party. I brought my member.

Oklahoma: I'm so glad you're gone.

Texas A&M: I beat you at football.

Oklahoma State: Oh, snap.

Oklahoma: YOU SON OF A BITCH!

Oklahoma charges A&M, Texas and Oklahoma State go to restrain him...

Kansas State: You know, the more things change, the more they stay the same.

TCU: All of this still makes me really uncomfortable.

Kansas: Buck up, pansy. This is nothing. A few years ago, I tried stabbing Missouri with a fork.

TCU: Why would you try stabbing him with a fork!?!

Kansas: Because they handed out plastic knives.

A group of guys wearing jean shorts walk into the party...

Florida: There he is!

Alabama: Someone go get him!

Ole Miss: Hell, no. H. E. L. L. N. O. The last time I chased him, he put his dick all over me.

Georgia: Stop being such a prude. You guys act like you've never enjoyed the company of a naked man before.

The group stops to look at him...

Georgia: Don't judge. You go out camping, rafting, or whatever. You set up camp. You sing ABBA songs. You drink some Wild Turkey...

Alabama: I don't want to know where this is going.

Georgia: All I'm saying is that this is all normal where I come from.

BANG!! A loud musket shot rings out in the air and everyone looks to the source of the noise...

West Virginia: Enough! I didn't fly halfway across the Goddamn continent, cook perfectly nice roadkill barbecue, and then sit here and watch you jackasses fight all day long. You know, where I come from, we settle our disputes amicably and with respect for fellow schools.

Texas: Tell me again how that worked out for you.

West Virginia: I ended up here.

Auburn: Roadkill barbecue? What kind, specifically?

West Virginia: Squirrel and opossum.

Auburn: That's what I'm taking about! Hook me up with some of that.

Texas: Speaking of hooking up, look over there...

Texas Tech is doing his best Robin Thicke impression while Texas A&M twerks violently in front of him...

Tech: TALKIN' BOUT THEM BLURRED LINES

Georgia: Well, that's just the cutest thing I ever saw...

Alan Thicke: This is what I call a party!