My Diary

So the past month has been full of the scariest experiences, mentally. Right now I'm struggling with emotional numbness more than ever and I feel like I've lost my sense of self. I joined some meet-up groups and went to a couple recently. One online and one offline. I have an online one today in less than 30 mins. I really shouldn't have planned 3 meet-up days in a row. At the time I didn't even realize I planned it like that.

When I went to yesterday's meet-up, I realized I feel even more like an actor while talking to people than I did before. I can answer questions they ask me but I don't have anything to say myself. I don't feel the will to say anything. Maybe it's because I'm so stuck in my head and disconnected. My bf told me to just be myself and say what I want, but how am I supposed to do that when I feel like a robot and don't know who I am. I've been trying different ways to get out of this but it just seems to get worse. I don't even feel therapy is helping. What scares me is the thought of never being able to return to my former self. How I was before all these surreal panic attacks.

Anyway here is a pic from yesterday (I'm the one in front on the right):

It's been a while since I've updated here... I got diagnosed with hypothyroidism yesterday. My energy levels plummeted a few days before and I could barely walk. After a couple days of being told it was all in my head, I was finally prompted to go to the doctor, specifically to check my thyroid. They said it was underactive, but not majorly. I'll sleep well but then feel like I get no sleep at all. I feel completely numb right now and like I can't fully wake up. It's scaring me because idk if it's from my thyroid or the DPDR and idk what to do about it. I feel scared and helpless. I was put on a very low dose of medication, but need to follow up with a primary care doctor to get it adjusted accordingly. I was told to see an endocrinologist specifically. I don't even know how I'm going to do that when I don't have insurance. All I know is that the emotional numbness is wrecking me right now. Knowing that something physical might be causing it and that I have no control over it at the moment really makes me feel hopeless.

I listened to Perfume's Spinning World in full today and I was not disappointed. It got me so excited I ended up going on a Capsule spree because it made me want to listen to Future Wave again. I get goosebumps everytime I listen to Future Wave, I love it so much I actually teared up listening to it today. I did that while cleaning a bunch of stuff in my room and the bathroom. Now I feel drained. Not because of the cleaning but because the music made me so over-excited that I crashed. Feel like I drank too much caffeine -_-